Reddit reviews Adult Children of Abusive Parents: A Healing Program for Those Who Have Been Physically, Sexually, or Emotionally Abused

Ooh, this is the post I've been waiting for! I've found bibliotherapy to be very helpful in my healing.

For understanding abuse: Understanding the Borderline Mother

This NPD website

For healing yourself: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Adult Children of Abusive Parents





And, what you were really asking for: Full Catastrophe Living

Complex PTSD



You wrote:
>Still, I can't maintain a positive or calm feeling state for more than a few minutes, I feel constant anxiety, I am easily provoked, I get easily upset or angry, and I stay upset for hours or days to come, despite all the work I've put in.

This sounds familiar. What I've learned is that it's hard to build new neural pathways when you're stuck in the old feelings of panic. Re-wiring the brain means practicing being in a state of calmness, and the more time you spend there, the easier it will be to get back. So anything that makes you feel calm, even momentarily, is something you should practice. It's ok if you can only feel it for a short time!

My therapist used to tell me, "Get yourself calm, by ANY MEANS NECESSARY!" I think he was suggesting I get high. ;-) What worked for me was to a little meditation, yoga, and spiritual practice, and a lot of locking myself in my house alone with all the blinds drawn. It was the only way I could feel safe for a long time. I wonder if all the activities you've been doing are, paradoxically, stressing you out more? Maybe giving yourself permission to do less would help?

Hope my super long post is helpful! Good luck, OP.

With the standard caveats about how not everyone needs what other people need...I see a psychologist (not a psychiatrist), so it's talk therapy and not meds, where the psychological orientation is "interpersonal" (i.e. her goal is to be a functioning interpersonal relationship of mine). I interviewed several with the question "how do you help someone with these problems" and made sure I liked what I heard.

I'm also in a therapy group where all of the members get to try out having feelings with each other and see how they react to each other and how other people react to them. It's pretty hard to sniff out one of those locally, but it's a really valuable way to work on interpersonal stuff.

Books on relationship stuff: You can look at John Gottman's books (here is a cheat sheet) for thoughts on marriage. For stuff like "OMFG my parents taught me nothing" I also used to look at books like this one as well. But I really feel like therapy is the best place for it. It's like going to a personal trainer vs. trying to learn how to work out by yourself at home -- you could probably figure it out on your own, but it's a lot faster if someone shows you the ropes.

Hmm...well, therapy was an enormous help for me. But I know not everyone has insurance that covers it. I also dealt with severe physical abuse, so maybe the books I read won't work for you.

However...I recommend this:
http://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1439129436/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_2/175-5751338-3289757?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_r=1SHX5JYKVB1D1XTKMJZM&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_p=1944687542&pf_rd_i=0688140718

http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=pd_sim_14_4?ie=UTF8&dpID=51p3IsmSqxL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR107%2C160_&refRID=0GAX75MV0QW96MAX79QS

These are not books I have read. The one I did read was "Adult Children of Abusive Parents". http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Abusive-Parents-Emotionally/dp/0345363884

That covers a lot of narcissistic issues as well, so while abuse doesn't seem to be an issue (although, when you do your soul-searching, you might uncover some truths that your parents maybe were emotionally abusive to you) it could be a very helpful book.

On those links on Amazon, if you scroll down it will show you similar books. Peruse them. Some are crap, others are very good. In every book, there will be info you will disagree with, or info that does not apply to you. That's ok. Focus on the info that resonates with you and applies to you.

And I warn you, it might be a painful experience, and things that happened a long time ago that did not make sense at the time, may suddenly make sense now that you can see their motivation behind their actions.

Best of all, however, is if you follow through, do the soul searching and most importantly, establish and stick with parameters that are right for you (and nobody else can say what is right for you) you will feel liberated. The guilt will be gone. You'll be able to throw off this huge weight you've been burdened with for so long that you likely don't even realize you've been carrying this stress around. I can tell just by what little you have shared that you harbor extreme guilt and worry that you are doing the 'wrong' thing and owe them more and are not being fair to your parents. All of which reflects that they have been very successful at emotionally manipulating you for their very selfish, narcissistic reasons.

Hope this helps!

Edit: I re-read your question of "what can you do" for the feeling bad that breaking away from your parents brings?

Time. Time, and sticking to your guns. I remember the first time I informed my parents of certain parameters by writing to them. I was ready to go out and buy a nice card, and my friend stopped me and said simply use a page of regular binder paper. I felt like I was committing some crime. As time passed and the initial shock was over, I slowly realized that placing parameters and refusing to allow myself to be emotionally manipulated was wonderful! You will stop feeling guilty and 'bad'. You will think, 'why did I not do this earlier'? You will develop confidence and realize you are doing the absolute right, moral and correct thing.

And, you may be sad and hurt, and even angry that your parents did what they did for so long.

So, be kind to yourself, accept that this is a process that won't change over night, and trust the process.