Reddit reviews God's Design for Man and Woman: A Biblical-Theological Survey

Here, just use my Christmas list:

NIV Zondervan Study Bible

The Goldsworthy Trilogy

Prayer: Experiencing Awe and Intimacy with God

Perspectives on Israel and the Church: 4 Views

Tough Topics

Tough Topics 2

God's Design for Man and Woman

Planet Narnia

Paul and the Law

Covenantal Apologetics

The Erosion of Inerrancy in Evangelicalism

There's plenty more I'd recommend (like anything from John Piper), but that's a decent start.

In situations of abuse and clear sin (infidelity and drunkenness come to mind from what you've written), I believe the first duty of everyone should be to provide safety for themselves and their children. Any person in a situation of abuse needs to get out of that situation and into a safe one, whether that means just physically leaving the location, a legal separation, a court case / jail time, or a legal divorce.

As to your actual question: respect in the Bible means something different than what many people believe. A lot of people seem to think that respecting one's husband or submitting to him means that a wife's opinions don't matter, and that she has to do whatever he says. That is a clear misinterpretation. One thing I've heard about submission is that it is using your gifts and talents to their full extent for the best interest of the person you are submitting to. Jesus submitted to God the Father by His ministry and death: it was not an easy road, but everything He did in life and death was to glorify God and to bring His kingdom on Earth. Likewise, the Church submits to Jesus by following His direction and bringing Him glory: not by stifling their talents or ignoring their desires, but by aligning their talents and desires to the things that further God's agenda and bring glory to Him. In the same vein, a wife does not stifle her talents or desires, but uses them for the sanctification of their husband (and salvation, if he is not yet saved).

There are at least 6 clear reasons to disobey a spouse / authority (or start a dialogue if possible, depending on severity), which can be summed up by the overarching question: How will this glorify God (or does it not glorify Him)? Specifically, we are to disobey any earthly authorities when commanded something that:

1. Violates a clear statement or principle in the Bible. Ex: Husband demands wife get drunk with him.
   
2. Compromises a wife's relationship with God. Ex: Husband demands wife to stop praying.
   
3. Violates a wife's conscience. Ex: Husband demands wife wear a g-string bikini if that violates her conscience of modesty.
   
4. Compromises the care, protection, or nurture of children or those in her responsibility. Ex: Husband demands wife leave her child in the car when it is hot outside.
   
5. Facilitates sin for anyone else (especially her husband). Ex. Husband demands wife purchase alcohol so he and his friends get drunk.
   
6. Is physical, sexual, or emotional abuse to her or her children. Ex. Husband forces wife to commit unwilling sex acts.
   
   I recommend picking up the book God's Design for Man and Woman for an overview of Bible passages to look at further, and I also recommend specifically reading Ephesians 5, because that covers pretty much all the issues here (drunkenness, evildoing, and not associating with evil deeds and instead exposing them for all to see and deal with).

That's a big question. I can recommend God's Design for Man and Woman: A Biblical-Theological Survey by Andreas J. Köstenberger.

One example: not every man is a good leader, but every man is tasked with leadership on some level. Not every woman is good at nurturing, but every woman is tasked with nurturing on some level.