Reddit reviews Playful Parenting: An Exciting New Approach to Raising Children That Will Help You Nurture Close Connections, Solve Behavior Problems, and Encourage Confidence

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and The Explosive Child (the title is a bit misleading, I think it applies here!). Playful Parenting is also great IMO but less specifically applicable here.

You say you've "tried everything" but that's rather vague. The things you do mention don't seem to take her input into account at all (you are going to reorganize her room without her there; you are going to make up a schedule). Kids, like all people, are more inclined to participate in things they have input and interest in. "Here's your schedule, this is how you will do things" is going to generate resistance and be harder to enforce than "We need to be ready to walk out the door at 7:30 in the morning in order to get to school on time. Let's figure out what we need to do to achieve that."

Can you give an example of what you mean by misbehave, and what ages you are thinking of?

I think maybe sometimes I would use obviously ludicrous threats, like that I would tie them to the roof of the car, or put them on the roof of the house for the night. It was humorous, they knew it was empty, but it did communicate my annoyance or dissatisfaction with their behaviour.

We would rarely use real threats. Occasionally we would remove a child from a situation, for a while we would send them out of the room and ask them to come back in with a different attitude, or with an apology. If one of them hurt another we might leave the room along with the hurt child. But on the whole they are pretty well behaved.

There are a few books I've enjoyed reading:

Alfie Kohn's books: Punished by Rewards, and Unconditional Parenting.

Raising Happy Children

Playful Parenting

D.W. Winnicott's book: The Child, The Family, and the Outside World

For all you would be parents out there, I would suggest this book. Hands down the best book I ever read on parenting. Want your child to sit in their high chair for dinner? Show them their stuffed animal doing it. Want your child to overcome their fear of loud hand dryers. Pretend to dry your hands at home and make a game of it. Want your kid to stop pretending to play with guns? Pretend their gun sends love your way. Everything a child does and learns is through play. By demonstrating outcomes and behaviors you want your child to do / have through play, parenthood becomes easier. (all of the above are real stories from the book that the author, a therapist, walks through)

Another book that has a strikingly similar philosophy is Playful Parenting by Dr. Lawrence Cohen. It basically takes this approach to "discipline" and combines it with playful ways of helping kids work through their negative feelings.

Parents are responsible for their childrens behavior. This could be a blind spot preventing you from holding your own parents accountable. If you can't emotionally understand this you wont logically understand this following argument.

If a parent needs to get their children to do something or not to do something out of fear of punishment then it's not a relationship. It's dictatorship and you'll never get respect or compliance from your children when you act like you know what's best for them - and this is the reason why abuse escalates.

It's the parents responsibility to teach their children right and wrong by talking and listening to them, helping them understand, and ultimately modelling that behaviour themselves.

Before you have children, it's important to work on yourself because everything you experienced as a child from abusive parents thats lingering in your unconscious will come to the surface when you have your own children.

It seems you area already projecting some of this by thinking experimentation like smoking in the room or lying about homework is bad. Wouldn't it be better to foster a relationship where your children can you tell they tried a cigarette or don't want to do their homework? That way you can actually be involved in their lives.

If you raise your children correctly I wouldn't worry about most bad activities because you'll give them the skills to know better. The science shows that addictions, victim of bullying and peer pressure are all caused by child abuse and an unstable home. If you want to know more about this look up Gabor Mate (I have more resources).

Actually as children get older they become easier to parent when you raise them peacefully and being involved because you have built up a relationship.

Here are books I'd recommend:
Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby's Brain
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Love-Matters-Affection-Shapes/dp/1583918175

The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self http://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901

The Truth Will Set You Free: Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self http://www.amazon.com/Truth-Will-Set-You-Free/dp/0465045855[2]

For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence http://www.amazon.com/Your-Own-Good-Child-Rearing-Violence/dp/0374522693[3]

Stefan Molyneux: Real-Time Relationships: The Logic of Love http://www.freedomainradio.com/free/books/FDR_3_PDF_Real_Time_Relationships.pdf

On Truth: The Tyranny of Illusion http://board.freedomainradio.com/blogs/freedomain/archive/2008/09/11/book-on-truth-the-tyranny-of-illusion.aspx

Between Parent and Child: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication http://www.amazon.com/Between-Parent-Child-Revolutionized-Communication/dp/0609809881

Playful Parenting http://www.amazon.com/Playful-Parenting-Lawrence-J-Cohen/dp/0345442865

Unconditional Parenting http://www.amazon.com/Unconditional-Parenting-Moving-Rewards-Punishments/dp/0743487486

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves http://www.naomialdort.com/book.html

Parent Effectiveness Training http://www.amazon.com/Parent-Effectiveness-Training-Responsible-Children/dp/0609806939

The Philosophical Baby: What Children's Minds Tell Us About Truth, Love, and the Meaning of Life http://www.amazon.com/Philosophical-Baby-Childrens-Minds-Meaning/dp/0374231966

What's Going on in There? : How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Going-There-Brain-Develop/dp/0553378252

Becoming the Kind Father: A Son's Journey http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Kind-Father-Sons-Journey/dp/0865715823

Connection Parenting http://connectionparenting.com/connection-parenting-book.html

A play therapist named Lawrence Cohen wrote a great book, [Playful Parenting] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0345442865), that has a good discussion of this issue. He suggests some games and play strategies you can use to help your son work through his difficulty losing.

>[S]witch gears from playing the game to playing with these themes [of winning and losing]. For example, set up a game where they will always win, and pretend to be a ridiculous figure of a sore loser. Or brag about how great you are, then miss every shot -- whatever helps them laugh and release that feeling of life or death over the outcome of the game. Make up a game with a funny rule, like "No hitting me with this pillow," and then act goofy when they -- surprise -- hit you with it. "Waaah, you cheated!"

He also recommends a game he calls the "winning and losing game":

> This is a game where the focus is on playfully addressing the emotional layer underneath. It can be anything at all, as long as there is playful use of the ideas of winning and losing. For example, flip a coin, heads or tails; if you lose, go into a Shakespearean death scene because you lost...If you win, announce that you are the greatest coin flipper in the history of the universe, do a little victory dance, and then act real surprised when you lose the next toss.

Check out Playful Parenting:
https://smile.amazon.com/Playful-Parenting-Connections-Encourage-Confidence/dp/0345442865/ref=sr_1_3

The basic thesis is that at this age, you can get the kids to do what you want by making it fun for them. It's like Mary Poppins said:
> In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and - SNAP - the job's a game.

Playful Parenting by Cohen.

It's a great book about how important play is to kids and to parents. Using play to stay connected to my son and get him to behave feels like cheating sometimes. We have a great relationship, and he's really well behaved.

It also has great tips for using playtime to help circumvent and or conquer unnecessary fears in a toddler or young child.

http://www.amazon.com/Playful-Parenting-Lawrence-J-Cohen/dp/0345442865

I don't understand why parenting is made into a series of battles.