Reddit reviews Problem of the Puer Aeternus, The

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I met my husband during freshman year of college and he was very much like this... the only difference is that he sorta had ambition / goals, but they were a pretty crazy starting point, akin to "I have to be a celebrity artist or it isn't worth me getting a job at all and I should go back and live with my parents". That was the more extreme side of it. But generally, when I asked him what he wanted for his future he would just talk about being an old man who was loved and well regarded by everyone and known for doing something great. But no practical idea of what that great thing would be and no attempt to actually do anything.

I'm not going to lie to you, it was hard. And I suspect the main reason we stayed together during some years was a combination of apathy and shared / familiar neurosis (we later discovered his parents were the exact same flavor of toxicity as my parents). Even when he really realized his problems and was self aware, much of the time he was paralyzed to pull himself out of it. And I stayed because a) I didn't want to give up on the "best of him" and b) he was too familiar a neurosis... we saw the world in the same ways and most people didn't experience things the way we did. Our childhood trauma / alienation was too similar and other people just didn't talk to each other the way we did.

So I did it. I did what everyone told me not to and I followed him into hell... and after burning away quite a few layers of stupid, youthful toxicity, we ended up coming out of it. We have a really strong relationship. And we're always improving (that's our motto essentially), and when one of us is falling back to old ways, the other is both sympathetic but also doesn't allow it to go on for too long.

We've been together 26 years and have a beautiful and successful 12 year old. And we hope to keep improving and growing.

But it really wasn't easy, and there were no guarantees. So I'm going to pose it the way famous writers and directors advise young people about going into their industry: if you can do anything else, do that. But I knew, this was who I wanted. I loved him and despite the scary woods he was lost in, he loved me. So we fought and it was worth it.

But expect everything you do to be delayed. We didn't get engaged until we'd been together 6 years (living together for 2). Didn't even try for kids until our early 30s and once we had our daughter he was in a crisis for much of the first couple years because how can he be a dad when he still feels like a 9 year old. So he wasn't helpful with the baby. He's an awesome dad with the preteen and he's getting better all the time.

At the end of the day, he put in the time and I put in the time and we succeeded. He's kicking butt in leadership at work, gives us as much of him as he can, and still puts in time working on his creative dream (it's just that needs to take a back seat to work and us sometimes). And our 40s have just been spectacular; we've built a great life together. So it can be done. But again, no guarantees.

Things I would suggest if you want to consider this path:

1. you guys need an agreement about talking truth. If he is absolutely determined to not stay in the relationship then you need to know now. Typical frightened male ambiguity is a different beast, but if he's sure it's a "no" then you need to move on.
   
   
2. Develop a language for problem resolution and taking care of business. It sounds unrelated, but if you can get this kind of really important adulting communication down, it makes all the personal stuff so much easier. We use the professional language of work, we have regular meetings every 2 weeks (we use the SCRUM process of project management for managing our "household"; this also includes social or personal things that come up).
   
   
3. Time box it all. Decide absolutely the longest that YOU willing to play this out with no guarantees. But don't tell him. It's not meant to be an ultimatum or pressure tactic (that won't be reliable or honest). This is for you; insurance. All he needs to know is that you are a human being who wants these things in life.
   
   
4. If you are up for some deep reading, check out the book: The Problem of the Puer Aeternus by Marie Louise von Franz because I know that's what I was dealing with and I suspect you're looking at a case of it.
   
   Very long story short, these are charismatic men whose development is frozen in adolescence. They seem exciting, but have very real problems with learning how to be adults and they very much resent the regularity of an occupation. It is a psychological journey to contend with it. The book discusses it in depth (sorry, it's not an easy self-help, but more like an academic lecture) and you can get an understanding of the nature of the problem and what kind of solution strategies can help.
   
   And if you are talking enough truth with him, he may eventually want to read it. It had a profound effect on my husband. He had already started down the path of trying to improve, but this really helped him understand why he saw things so differently from other men.

I came into this thread to suggest exactly this. To add on, a great book worth reading if you have Puer tendencies is Von Franz's book on the subject. My analyst suggested I might be overidentified with the Puer and recommended that book, it helped me a lot, although I still struggle with making commitments to things.