Reddit reviews Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy

Hi. I'm in a relationship with a woman who was repeatedly raped as a child as well.

She currently identifies as asexual, but also expresses a lot of curiosity about sex, so I am not certain that is going to be her lasting sexuality.

I strongly recommend that you do a lot of reading and learning about the effects of childhood trauma, especially on human sexuality.

Amazon: The Courage to Heal by Bass and Davis is a good place to start.

Amazon: The Sexual Healing Journey by Maltz is the best reference directly, and includes some beginning non-sexual steps to enable the survivor to begin reconnecting physically.

Amazon: Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy is a step-by-step guide to taking a survivor from severely uncomfortable all the way to intercourse. It is aimed at the therapist, but valuable reading for the partner as well.

Amazon: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Walker is another excellent reference, as it addresses specifically the type of PTSD brought on by repeat, inescapable trauma, especially during childhood.

I think your library should include each of these.

Also, as a veteran of a sexless marriage, currently in the divorce process, I strongly advise that you wait to marry this woman until after you and she are successfully having sex -- this is an important component of a marriage, and one that you and she need to know is going to be successful, healthy, and not re-traumatizing for her.

Yikes. I'm tempted to jump on the bandwagon and recommend leaving the guy, but acknowledging that we're only hearing one side of the story and that you seem invested in making things work, I will offer two book recommendations, though not without certain reservations.

1. Gary Chapman's The 5 Love Languages. There's a reason this is still Amazon's #1 best-selling book on marriage even though it was first published way back in 1992. It has 12,674 reviews and 95% of those are 4- or 5-star. I knew the basic concepts of the 5 love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch) for years before I read the book, but actually reading it made all the difference in my own marriage. This was a bit embarrassing, because I had assumed my salvation would come from all the liberal, science-based self help books I was reading, but this book helped me realize that for my wife, our problems had nothing to do with sex. Maybe your husband's primary love language is words of affirmation, and he needs to hear you say over and over again that he is a good lover...or that he is handsome, or a good provider, or good at his job, or whatever else it is that is most central to his identity. Maybe his love language is touch, and the particular type of touch he craves is one that he doesn't get when he's whipping you, tying you up, or fucking you silly. Maybe his love language is quality time, and you're going to have to start spending 7 hours a week rock climbing, painting models, or volunteering at the local food bank together (whatever he's into) in order to make things work. Maybe it's acts of service, and the problem is that while you want him to command you to do all the laundry, dishes, cooking and cleaning because you are submissive, he wants you to do these things automatically as a way of showing your love. Only you (or he) can say for sure. I hesitate to recommend this book because some people are really turned off by the author's Christian perspective. But I include it because the principles are solid regardless of your religious beliefs and because I know of no other self-help book that offers a possible pathway to saving a marriage when only one partner is fully invested in making things work. Chapter 12 deals with this explicitly but won't make sense unless you've read everything leading up to it.
   
2. Weiner and Avery-Clark's Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy. The book is expensive, its intended audience is professional sex therapists, and it includes an embarrassing number of typos for a published book. But it is the most up-to-date and thorough exploration of what has been the most widely prescribed (and chronically misunderstood) exercise in sex therapy for decades. I would not normally recommend that a couple with your level of baggage and resentment attempt to explore sensate focus without guidance from a licensed sex therapist, but you mention that finances are an issue. If you do decide to go this route, it would require a sacrifice from each of you. He would have to give up porn for at least a couple of weeks while you work through stages 1 & 2 together, and you would have to give up all masturbation and BDSM activities during the same time period. The exercises are all about being mindful and rebuilding non goal-oriented physical intimacy with one another, and that requires you to give up any alternative sexual outlets you have been using, at least initially.
   
   I wish the best for both of you.