Reddit reviews The Work

>This ties a bit into what you said about "thinking through" things and not "feeling through" them. In one sense I can't comprehend the meaning of this. I feel things, and I know when I'm feeling them. And while I am experiencing them, and in fact every waking moment of my life, I am also thinking about all kinds of related and unrelated stuff. That is who I am. There isn't another floor above this one. Even the part of me that thinks about the way I think, and learn, and might try or want to change them is still exactly that guy. I can recognize that sometimes (or usually) I am ignoring that guy, and that's where I identify parts. But if IFS is dead set on telling me that the most continuous and coherent voice of my self narrative is not who I am, and instead it's someone I have never encountered in my life ... welp, I'm off to greener pastures, because that's some mighty hateful shit to try to talk someone into.

I don't think that IFS is trying to talk you into anything. Instead it is offering you to experience yourself through a framework. There are other frameworks as well. Thinking through and feeling through are maybe not the best ways to say it. I am still exploring life as well :) I know people who when asked: "Where do you feel anger?" answer: "I don't know, I know when I am angry and that is enough for me" and then others who say for example something like: "I feel anger in my throat, it is hot and pulsating and it can spread to other parts of the body, my thinking changes when I am angry and I can release but sometimes it gets bottled up". One person is more in touch with their feelings. The other one might also be a bery rational, logic person. For me at least it doesn't feel like a floor above but more like a deeper level. Maybe like if you watch a movie on a laptop in bad quality and with bad speakers. And then you watch it in a theater. You see the same movie, same action, dialogue etc but it is also a different experience.
Only you can really know who you are in my opinion and IFS might be able to assist you in getting to know you better. It seems like there is some fear involved. With all the things happening in your live you at least know who you are because you have known yourself for all of your life. And then it seems like someone attacks that notion and says "Hey tarski, you are not tarski but xy". If that was true then what could you hold onto and so on. (Thats what fear might say). When you play a roleplay game if I may use that example (you have a post about a bard) aren't you then a little different than "normal" you. I havent played it much but according to my understanding and IFS maybe we could say you assume a part of a bard. You let it flood you and for the time of the game you are the bard. Now in your daily life maybe its more subtle but angrytarski might use different words compared to relaxedtarski for example.

>Luckily, I don't think that IFS, or at least my therapist, is so dogmatic. Unless an expert needs to disabuse this notion, I think IFS has room for a less extremist viewpoint on the process. And I don't mean to imply that you think that way either.

In my understanding it is a tool. You can use it as you like. If you can't assess what the theory calls the Self than maybe you already are or you don't want or need to and you can use the questions for self reflection (not about big SELF but you as you understand and know you, sometimes language can be tricky ;) ). I am very glad to hear that you like your therapist. I am pretty new to IFS so I am not dogmatic about it but it has helped me to put some things into words that I have experienced or looked for and could express but only clumsyly and always looking for someone who understands.

>But I'm still wondering what the response is when even your Self thinks a part is at best a creature that can be understood, but not loved. That it needs to be told not to do that anymore, but can't bring itself to feel overly sympathetic toward the path that part has taken. When telling a part that it's a good little boy, and was only ever trying to help you while it wrecked your life, is a statement you know to be false and in violation of the core of your being.

I am not sure that I understand this part correctly. Are you talking about you trying to understand parts of you and IFS in your understanding telling you to love a part and you can not bring yourself to do that because you think it did things very wrong and it doesn't deserve love. Or something in that direction?

 

I did not intend for this to become that long. But while reading through your comment I could also feel that it wouldn't be short if I wanted to try to express myself well. Or at least try to do that. There's no TLDR for that reason, feel free to ask anything, to tell me whatevery you might think or feel about it. I want to make one offer. There is a documentary I watched a while back. And among every movie (documentary or cinema or whatever) it moved me the most. It is about a high security prison in the US where the prisoners do group therpay and people from the outside can come in and participate. They don't use IFS if I remember correctly but they address suppressed emotions and with that you could say they access parts. It is at times very rough and emotional and because of that I am a bit concerned so please consider your emotional state if you decide to watch it or maybe watch with someone else. There are murderers and people we might just judge as bad people but during the documentary we get to know their whys and their internal lifes. That doesnt make them saints or their deeds good but for me at least I understood more. You can find it here for example (https://www.amazon.com/Work-James-McLeary/dp/B077GGWH8P), and if you want to watch it I am offering you to pay it for you since you said you are not in a good financial situation. Have a good day or night wherever you are <3

I just re-read your post again. More thoughts as I feel like I was your current gf earlier this year (not your actual current gf but I feel like me and my ex were literally in the same place and I’m going to tell you everything I wish someone had told him)...

1. You telling her what BP is isn’t really going to give her an idea of what it is. Mainly because it is so personal. There is no way you two can have a non-personal discussion about this disease. It is definitely one component and the more you can talk about your feelings and be open the better. But I don’t think you can expect her to “get it” just by that. What helped me was reading reddit honestly. I just read the stories of other people and was able to see the struggles they went through. It was less personal for me as I wasn’t thinking “oh my god this is my SO” I was thinking “oh shit, I get this disease more and how fucking hard it is”. I didn’t find reddit until after we broke up but I do think if I were to be in that relationship again now I would have a lot more empathy for him which would have helped us have more productive conservations about how I could be a better teammate for him. There are also lots of books that are helpful and I went to one friends/family support group which helped. All post breakup which I think is really sad as I wish I had had this knowledge earlier. I could see this being really scary for you- this is a scary disease and i could see it being easy to think that her knowing more could scare her off. But if that’s the case she isn’t really in the right place to be in a relationship either.
   
   
2. All my other advice just focuses on the fact that our society pushes this narrative that men can’t show emotion, can’t talk about emotions and shouldn’t feel emotions (unless they are macho ones) or else they are weak. This is so f’d up and harmful to men. It happens to all men. Watch the documentary called The Work - https://www.amazon.com/Work-James-McLeary/dp/B077GGWH8P. You can google and find it free online on their website. Some of what you are going through might have nothing to do with BP (I’m not saying this to minimize BP) but because guys don’t talk about feelings you might never know what is BP thoughts and what are just normal thoughts/issues because you are a 33 year old guy getting into what sounds like a healthy and great relationship for the first time! And it sounds like it is getting serious (hell yeah!) but good things in life are stressful!
   
   
3. Check out this blog - https://markmanson.net/ and read his posts on relationships. (It is ironic as the title of his book is about not giving a fck and I just told you you should give a fck but his message is different). I also liked his books. He does a good job of explaining his thoughts and so I think if you read some of this you’d see that you likely have some of the same worries, issues as he does. Not everything relates to BP (which I mean in a good way!)
   
   Sorry I just advice bombed you!