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I think the best place you can start is educating yourself? The only way to know "for sure" is with a formal diagnosis. It's also the only suggested way to confirm it. Laymen just aren't capable. I think it's important to understand there is a difference between having a higher level of narcissism, and being NPD.


This is a book I got when I was better trying to understand my experience, I'm like your ex. Not sure if I'm an empathy, but I'm definitely here to try to understand and be more empathetic to NPD's in a way.
It really helped, maybe it could help you too! https://www.amazon.ca/Sheeps-Clothing-Understanding-Dealing-Manipulative/dp/1935166301/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=in+sheep%27s+clothing&qid=1573032957&sr=8-1


In terms of fixing things, the best advice I can give is don't. Don't try to fix yourself. Maybe try to become accepting of yourself first. You can't change your personality, but maybe by accepting yourself, and your behavior it can be a starting off point to change behaviors in yourself YOU'D like to see yourself no longer do, or do differently. There's nothing wrong with being your own person, so starting off with who you want to be and now with how you think the world feels you should be might be a good starting point? Good luck!

Unfortunatley it does take some time to sort it out, so it's important to wait it out in the beginning and not jump right in. Because the display of charisma and confidence is classic to a narcissist, it won't always be obvious right away. Actually, research shows it takes about 4 months of dating for the narcissist's red flags to start popping up.

So, for one, take your time getting to know them. See how they interact with others and if it's any different when you're alone (also classic image management, they will later try to gaslight you with this and say you're the ONLY person that's every claimed negative treatment from them).

Ask about their relationship history. Mostly short-term? why? any divorces? why? what happened? Did they learn anything? Obviously, these don't all have to come out at once, but any information you can pick up on through observation, experience, disclosure or lack thereof will be helpful for you as you determine.

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I've also been reading The Narcissist Next Door: An Intimate Look at Narcissistic Culture and i'ts been really helpful.

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It may also be helpful to look at your characteristics and see if they align with the type of people that tend to be attractive to or attracted to narcissists. I'm not implying anything but there is some research about that as well.

This is a fascinating read as I came here because I have a narcissist in the family and I'm looking for tools to communicate boundaries without destroying the relationship. I tried and got rage and silence. You gave me some insight.

Anyway, I've been looking at some books on the topic and was just curious if you have tried reading as much as you can. One I remember sounded promising but it was more for narcissists than those affected by them. It is called Rethinking Narcissism in case you haven't exhausted that avenue.

Good luck in your quest. If you have it in you to notice these things about yourself, I have to believe you can overcome or control them.

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

http://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837

Love this book. I’ve read it a couple times now.

Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists

https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837