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I'm based out of the US so I can't really offer up too much help finding a PT across the pond but I can help you out with some exercises and stretches you could try.

You can try to treat it at home but you will most definitely have the best progress and personalized help if you go see a pelvic floor PT so I highly recommend checking that out!

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Some things you could try to increase your progress on your own are deep breathing and pelvic floor relaxation exercises that could help you, but I would still recommend going to see a PT on your own and get personalized help.

These are some exercises that my PT gave me helped me a lot and may help you while you figure out your next steps.

Don't feel like you have to do all of these exercises every single set you do throughout the day. Make a 5 min routine out of some breathing, stretching, and pelvic floor relaxation and do a set 2-3 times per day.

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Yoga poses that focus on stretching out the pelvic floor-

happy baby
supine pigeon (do for both legs)
supine butterfly
goddess pose

Try to do some of of these 2-3 times a day, for one minute each.

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Deep breathing: Lie with hips and knees bent. Allow body's muscles to relax. Place hands on belly. Inhale slowly and deeply for 3-4 seconds, so hands move up. Then take 3-4 seconds to exhale.

You can also imagine bushing your breath out of body through the pelvic floor, relaxing it each exhale. Can be done sitting or standing if you need to.

Repeat 20 times.

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Pelvic floor exercises- (You really want to focus on getting your pelvic muscles to really relax. It almost feels like relaxing to go to the bathroom so is a little weird at first. That is definitely the exercise you want more than regular kegels, which are supposed to strengthen your muscles. You are currently trying to do the opposite.) -

Pelvic floor muscle relaxation: Lie on back with feet flat, knees bent.

Start each repetition with a 3 second contraction of the pelvic muscles, then let go of the contraction, then try a VERY GENTLE forced relaxation WHILE BREATHING.

Maintain the relaxation for 5 seconds, then just rest for 10 seconds.

Elevator exercises: "Your vagina is a muscular tube, with the sections arranged like rings one on top of another. Imagine each section as a different “floor” of a building, and that you are moving an elevator up and down by tensing each section, getting progressively higher. Start by slowly bringing the elevator up to the second floor and holding for a second, then move up to the third, and so on, until you get to the fifth floor. Hold. Now bring the elevator down, floor-by-floor, “resting” at each floor, to the first floor (the starting point). Then make a trip to the basement, where your pelvic floor is completely relaxed."
(From this site )

• I wouldn't do any kegels to strengthen, only ones that let you relax and increase control
  
  Try to also be aware periodically throughout the day if your pelvic floor muscles are tight and clenched or relaxed in a natural position. If they are contracted and tight try and relax your muscles every time you notice. Deep breathing or relaxation kegels might be helpful here.
  
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  You may also want to try a set of vaginal dilators. There's a wide variety online so I would check out the sets in vaginismus.com as well as Amazon and other places online to see which works best for you, your exercise routine, and your wallet.
  
  I would recommend waiting to start using these until after you have seen and discussed it with a PT but that's not always an option for everyone.
  
  You'll want to be laying on your back somewhere quite you can relax, like a bedroom or bathroom in the tub. Clean the dilators before and after each use with warm soapy water. Always use lots of water based lube (NOT Vaseline or petroleum) when inserting m, and you may want to do this after a set of stretching and breathing exercises. Start with the smallest size dilator and gently insert it at the same angle you would a tampon- angled back toward your tailbone not straight up into your body. When it's fully inserted try to do some kegels and pelvic floor relaxation exercises, as well as deep slow breathing. You may also want to angle the dilators and hold firm but gentle pressure in "problem areas. You can also make slow, "sweeping", circular motions from the side to side and back and front walls of your vagina. You may be fine with just holding it still as well. When totally comfortable with and able to easily insert and remove the size you are currently using try the next size up.
  
  A little discomfort is ok but pain means stop! DON'T try to force a dilator in if it won't go in- the pain certainly won't help and you could actually injure yourself. Go slow- sometimes pausing and deep breathing are all you need to make things a little easier. Don't try to skip a size while dilating, they are graduated sizes for a good reason! And if you are able to get a larger size in but the pain is too great/uncomfortable it just means that your body isn't quite ready for that yet and that you should still use the smaller size down and that's totally fine! Everyone progresses at different speeds.
  
  Use your dilators about 3-4 times a week for 10-15 minutes a dilation session total (not 10-15 minutes per dilator if you are using multiple sizes a session).
  
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  The most important thing is going to be making your exercise routine something that you keep up with every day. My tip for you is to set up daily reminders/alarms on your phone to remind you to do your PT. I personally had one reminder right when I woke up, one for when I got home, and one for before bed. It really helped me stay on track.
  
  That and the app PT Timer- it's an excellent resource for keeping track of exercise times and how you're keeping up with your daily routine. You can enter in your personal PT exercise routine and the timings you need to do. It can be a little tricky to figure out at first but totally worth it!
  
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  Please know that you are not alone and that we are all rooting for you!

First, I am sorry that happened to you. What a shit doctor and piece of human trash.

Yes, it is entirely possible your pelvic muscles responded to this trauma by tightening up in general and specifically when something comes near them, a.k.a. by developing vaginismus. It’s their way of ‘protecting’ themselves.

And it makes sense that you wouldn’t want to go to a obgyn to diagnose something caused by another obgyn. Personally I found my obgyn to be muuuch less understanding of pelvic pain and the intricacies involved in it than my physical therapist. The physical therapist didn’t do any internal work for the first few sessions; she wanted to get to know me and my background first. All that is to say that I found physical therapy to be so much better than the gyno’s office. But if you aren’t interested I think you can definitely do a lot of good work towards recovery on your own. And if it turns out you don’t have vaginismus I don’t think you’d have done any damage to your pelvic floor by self-treating for the condition, since treatment for vaginismus is meant to be gentle. The ‘worst’ thing that could happen is that you’re more in tune with your pelvic floor.

Okay. Recommendations.

My PT recommended this workbook and accompanying journal: Completely Overcome Vaginismus. Neither of us were fans of the title (way to set the bar intimidatingly high!) but the content is super helpful. It has diagrams of your pelvic muscles, an overview of the condition, gradual steps to take towards recovery. Each chapter builds off the last. It’s geared more towards couples which is a bit annoying - there are way more single women working on recovery from pelvic pain than the world seems to realize. But aside from that I think it’s worth your while to get.

Dilators. Get yourself a good dilator set. You mentioned you can’t insert a tampon. The smallest dilator is usually a bit bigger than a tampon. My PT said to start with a Q-tip and work my way up to a tampon/finger (whichever is less intimidating), then the first dilator, etc. without pressuring myself or giving myself a timeline to live up to.

I got this set. I like it because it’s also a vibrator! Which brings me to my next recommendation: orgasms. Orgasming is a great way to relax your pelvic muscles, which helps with insertion when you’re ready. You mentioned that you’re not interested in sex, which is a really understandable response to your experience. I think it could be beneficial for you to gradually work on learning what does and doesn’t bring you pleasure. And when you orgasm you’re telling your muscles and your mind that something other than pain is possible from touch.

Before dilation I manually massage my pelvic muscles. I got into the routine I learned at pelvic therapy in this post - check it out if you’re interested. You basically start up by your clitoris and super gently massage the muscles that extend down from your clitoris towards your perinium, first going in the same direction as the muscle tissue (vertical) and then, if you want, working gently against the muscle tissue (horizontally) while still moving down.

FemFusioin Fitness on YouTube has a nice pelvic floor stretching routine that is geared towards people with pelvic pain/disorders. When I do it. it really helps me to release built-up tension that I haven't even necessarily notice I’ve been holding on to. I modify some of the stretches to be less intense though, because the whole point is to be gentle with yourself.

Finding ways to relax the muscles around your pelvis, particularly the gluteal muscles and abdominal muscles, is really helpful because that gives your pelvic muscles the space to relax, too. Tension can often creep from one muscle group to another. Yoga is great if you’re into that. Also my physical therapist told me to stick a tennis ball in an old pair of tights, stand with my back against the wall and my feet really close to the wall (super important), and use the tennis ball to massage my butt muscles by pushing the tennis ball into the wall. (The tights are to keep the ball from falling). Don’t push too hard though - a light touch goes a long way!

There are definitely other things that are helpful to do at home, and if I think of any more I’ll add them here. I think the fact that you’ve recognized vaginismus is the likely name for your pain shows that you are in tune with your body, and that’s the best first step towards recovering.

One message that I really try to remember is - My Condition DOES NOT define me! I am more then my condition. And so are you <3
There are days when I feel depressed, and that is okay. Having vaginismus is hard, and it is okay to fall apart sometimes. As long as you know there ARE so many good things about you. Your worth goes further then your ability to have penetrative sex. My therapist tries to switch my perspective. Instead of
"My body sucks, I am worthless.." think: "I have been through so much, I am taking steps to get better, I am a Badass!" You will get through this! Continue to focus on pleasure with your boyfriend, rather then penetration. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself, and be patient. Enjoy what you can do now. Sex is more then PIV.

Below I put a link for a book that I read that really helped me. There are lot's of tips for both the mental and physical side of pelvic pain. I personally found the info in here so informative. How to address your feelings, How to get help for experts, How to mend your relationships with others and yourself, How to move forward (It covers more the just vaginismus but the info is still very good)

https://www.amazon.ca/Healing-Painful-Sex-Confronting-Diagnosing-ebook/dp/B006R6Z0ZG/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1485717403&sr=8-8&keywords=healing+pelvic+pain

My therapist also recommends focusing on self care. I try really hard to treat my body & mind well. Get lot's of sleep, eat healthy, meditate, exercise (I personally use long distance running & yoga as a major stress relief) Do something that makes you feel good once a week: paint your nails, have a bath, buy a new outfit. Do something for YOU!

I have been in physical therapy for over a year. I also had to have surgery. With lots of hard work now I can insert tampons and dilator 4 (The biggest one of my set-bigger then penis sized) Hopefully soon I can have sex. I am not giving up hope! I hope you won't either! My boyfriend and I have been together for 6.5 years and I know he is a great guy because he loves me for me. Not my ability to have penetrative sex.

About the oral, I'm not sure exactly what it is about the cum that puts you off, but if it's the taste then I highly recommend getting oral gel!
I just got this one recently:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B006973REO/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_3VrKDb1C604QF
and it's honestly even better than I thought.
I was fine without it, but some days I just couldn't stomach the thought at all... This really helped it be more bearable!
Technique-wise, you can glob some on it and your hand that stays at the base, do a quick rub, then from there oral. Anytime the taste is dwindling you can just do another quick rub with your hand. This way you don't have to reach for the bottle every time. :)
Hope that all helps! ^^

Here are few sets I found from amazon (might have to copy and paste it because I don’t think it’ll show up as a link)

VIBIO Active Dilators Set for Vaginismus Kegel Exerciser Top Physician Recommended with 8oz Water Based Personal Lubricant https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07QXLY7SZ/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_U6IoDb3FXW6DB

This is the intiMD set. They’re only $29.95 they actually sell these at the physical therapy clinic I volunteer at that specializes in pelvic health


Berman Dilators for Vaginismus. Berman Intimate Dilatator kit. Intimate Accessories Dilator Set + Free lube (Sample) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07H3G8659/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_c9IoDb7MASCJ3

These are the Berman Dilators and these cost only $26.49.

https://www.amazon.com/Vaginal-Dilator-Vaginismus-Sclerosus-Dyspareunia/dp/B00EUZYON0

These are femmax and they’re only $26.50.

If you want silicone dilators here are a few that are under $50:

These are the ones that I use and I recommend them for beginners. They are slightly less girthy than your standard dilator set but I think that’s good for warming yourself up for something wider, if you’re intimated by dilator sets that have super girthy sizes. As I will say that you do have to insert the dilator in pretty deep to get the stretch that you need though. If your guy is larger than the largest dilator in this set then maybe get a set with bigger sizes.

https://www.amazon.com/CalExotics-Inspire-Silicone-Dilator-Pink/dp/B01CYQCNUW

I couldn’t find any other silicone sets that were less than $50. For some reason the silicone sets tend to be more expensive. Hopefully this is helpful.



Oh yes and there’s also the iconic vaginismus.com set that’s $44.95. That is seemingly way less than what it was when I was starting out though lol. Here’s the website url

https://vaginismus.com/products/vaginal-trainer-set/

I purchased my dilators from my PT clinic but you can get them on amazon - they’re the CalExotics 5 piece silicone dilator kit. They’re very smooth and they’re not too stiff, I found benefit in the slight curve they have as it aids with smooth insertion, and the first one is very very small which was a big help for me. ( also they’re pink which to me makes them more inviting to look at which always helps :) ) if these are available in your area I’d definitely recommend.

dilator set

Getting back into the habit of working on progress is rough. Just think of it like exercising, though. You're not taking steps back - you're just prepping the muscles by starting at a slower pace to not over strain your muscles. [but it still freakin' blows getting back to momentum.]


I only use dilators, and switch between olive oil or Slippery Stuff for lubrication. Olive oil feels a little too thin at times, but I like the more natural option. Also a bullet vibrator to help relax before using dilators. Otherwise, no other tools to help out. Some other ladies have mentioned helpful books, hopefully they see your comment and link with the info.

I highly recommend these
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01CYQCNUW/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_awdb_t1_qz0CDbTXMVPX3


I just bought them and they are soooo soft and silicone seems the better option. You can pick your seller from the available ones. I picked Yes Shoppe because they had way better reviews. Just got them today so i’m barely starting with this part and excited to begin! Wish you the best of luck.

INSIST on the PT referral! lol do not leave without one!

Yes, this forum is amazing. I struggled with this 11 years ago and nothing like this existed, it was lonely and scary. When I saw this sub it was by accident, I typed something to the effect of "there should be a sub for this like r/vaginismus and it turned blue.

To be honest, reading through it I cried my eyes out and wrote a huge post about how incredible this sub is.

Keep your positive attitude and yes massage where and when and how you FEEL you need to, you are in this together and the body's language is sensation. Work with it.

I used https://www.vaginismus.com/products/vaginal-dilator-set/

AND

Slippery Stuff water based lube gel


AND

this, to get to the tricky spots when I was ready.

https://www.amazon.com/TheraWand-Improved-PelviWand-V/dp/B00C2AO2QY/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_3_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1498665214&sr=8-3-fkmr0&keywords=vaginal+dilator+set


I personally did not masturbate with them. For me keeping sexual pleasure separate was important, I would get too into the sexy part and lose focus on what my body was saying. For me, dilating was quiet relaxed time with my vagina, working together. I would be in bed with a show I had already seen on the tv and take my time.

I just sent you a PM, also PM me any time as you progress.

Since I got the motivation to start again a few days ago I've made a lot of progress. Along with dilating every night I plucked the courage to do a pain mapping exercise, through which a few things have become clearer. I also bought myself a vaginismus friendly bike seat ! I tried it out today and it's SO much better than what I spent the last 13 years sitting on.

Things are looking up, reading all your posts help tons.

Thanks! I am looking to learn from experiences on where vibrators help and your comments on dilators are helpful as well. I was recommended 'Dr. Laura Berman Intimate Basics- Dilator Set' if that helps.

this is what i used - http://www.amazon.com/Berman-Center-SE-9711-14-3-Dilator/dp/B00121B0H8
the plus is that you also have an awesome vibrator for other general purposes :)
They're easy to use, and i definitely recommend.
Don't know much about sleeping with one inside, sounds to me very uncomfortable.

I agree with getting something to stimulate you, and I myself have a combination vibrator and dilator that helps me out a lot. I don't use the sleeve, since it's not smooth and thus doesn't go in as easily for me at this stage, but sometimes while dilating, I turn on the vibrating function if it hurts a bit, and the sensation helps me loosen up. Might not be a good choice for your current situation, but maybe in the future as you progress, it'd come in handy.

Also, if you're in the States, here's the link for the American Association of Sexual Educators, Counselors and Therapists’ referral page. It might help you find someone for counseling.

Edit: Seems the AASECT site also has a few options for other countries as well, not just the US, but has a bit more of a wider variety for specific states.

Sorry about that! It's California Exotics Novelties Inspire Silicone Dilator Kit https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01CYQCNUW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_sMVzybGVPX8KV
It doesn't go up to a larger size but I think it's a good start since they're bendy and soft :)

The Wonder Down Under is a really amazing book. They touch on a variety of subjects about the female body, in a way that’s relatable and enjoyable to read. There’s even a (small) section on vaginismus. I highly recommend!

It sounds like you have the right attitude and your anhedonia helps you empathize, which is great. Nothing sexual is universal for any group of people, but I think it's pretty common for people in general to use alcohol to "loosen up" sexually. They call it a social lubricant for a reason. I find weed to be much more effective specifically for sex, though.

OH, speaking of lubricant, if she doesn't have any, buy some in case you ever attempt PIV. But be very careful about the ingredients. Propylene glycol in particular burns like a motherfucker for lots of women with pelvic pain. I recommend Slippery Stuff (and so does my pelvic pain doctor): http://www.amazon.com/Slippery-Stuff-Personal-Lubricant-Soluble/dp/B00009Q95R

And if she's into vibrators, it can be fun and really bonding to shop for one together online.

Sounds like it might be vulvodynia. I have it (and its cousin, vestibulodynia) along with my vaginismus, and it sucks hard.
Before you see the dermatologist, it might be worth it to try some of these things:

• If you haven't already, stop using ANYTHING scented anywhere near your vulva
  *use milder laundry detergent and body wash (but DO NOT scrub your vulva)
  
• sitz baths (you can try putting oatmeal, apple cider vinegar, or epsom salt in the bath, but plain water is just fine!)
  
• put your underwear through an extra rinse cycle
  
• spritz your vulva with water after urinating or showering
  
• minimize activities that may irritate your vulva, like shaving or bike riding
  None of these will cure you, but it might help a little. Check out r/vulvodynia if you have more questions. I also recommend the book When Sex Hurts if you want to read up before your appointment.

A lot of people love the Inspire set from CalExotics. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01CYQCNUW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_X7CvDbM6SR9MV

"Lite" size really made a difference for me. Also some tampons expand into a circle and some expand into a rectangle, but I can't remember which :/ I found the circle much better.
https://www.amazon.com/Tampax-Plastic-Absorbency-Unscented-Packaging/dp/B008ZAH0GY/ref=sr_1_2_s_it?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1498761439&sr=1-2&keywords=lite%2Btampons&th=1

OMG brilliant! I didn't even think about that, I'll ask my pt if she has a size in between! Thanks~ I use the Dr. Laura Berman Basic Dilator set So I'm so close! I don't want to lose my momentum now!

They're these ones.

I can't even imagine! Good luck to you dearie InterWebHug

If you can, get this helpful book: http://www.amazon.com/When-Sex-Hurts-Womans-Banishing/dp/0738213985. It describes a variety of conditions that cause chronic pain, their symptoms, and how to effectively talk about it with your doctor. Good luck!

Sorry the late reply! By tapered ends I mean the insertion end is narrower than the base of the dilator, like for these guys: https://www.amazon.com.au/Adultshop-SE-4805-05-3-Inspire-Silicone-Dilator/dp/B01CYQCNUW

All I meant by PT was physiotherapist, sorry :)

Is this within your price range? Amazon UK I was happy with my purchase

Here is the set I used! VIBIO Active Kegel Exerciser Set with Powered Handle and 4 Graduated Tips Physician Recommended for Bladder Control and Pelvic Floor Exercises + Discreet Storage Bag https://www.amazon.com/dp/B074BCFB8J/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_cTE2CbYZK02V0

Plastic set of 4:

https://www.amazon.com/Dr-Laura-Berman-Intimate-Basics/dp/B018KUTUA2
this says currently unavailable but this looks like the same thing:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B074BCFB8J/ref=dp_prsubs_1

Soulsource original site: https://soul-source-sd.myshopify.com/collections/silicone-vaginal-dilators

BUT THEY ARE CHEAPER HERE:

https://www.cmtmedical.com/product/soul-source-vaginal-dilators/

I recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Without-Pain-Self-Treatment-Deserve/dp/1631100084/ref=sr_1_5?keywords=vaginismus&qid=1554485645&s=books&sr=1-5

No prob!
CalExotics Inspire Silicone... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01CYQCNUW?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JDS9J4S/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_aeznub1PHAZAB

I've heard the Pure Romance ones are highly recommended, they are silicone. I tried to buy them today but there was something weird going on with there site, it kept bringing me back to the shopping page when I was trying to pay up. Embarrassing enough to have to buy them without having it pop up every five minutes to show your shopping cart and ask you to pay..grr.

I ended up buying the Dr. Berman ones as they start off small which is what you need to get started. It's a vibrator and has a rubber knobbly cover that you can put on top if you want. There are three four different sizes and it was $32. So way cheaper then the vaginismus.com ones (which I had before and they didn't work) and I figure for something I'll be using to train VG to cop the heck on it hopefully will do. Am going to do the q-tip trick that rendzina mentioned in her post. Then move on to the dilators.

Edit: Damn just saw the link to Dr. B's dilators on Amazon and they're just $17!

I think you really need to go talk to a gynecologist. In particular, the "deep inside" pain you are describing does not sound like vaginismus. You can also check out this book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001NJUPFW/

I read A Simple Guide to Vaginismus by Kenneth Kee recently and it suggests a connection between pain and vaginismus, doesn't have to be genital pain. Ignore the review, it's a very informative book.

According to the book any of those health issues you mention could have triggered it :/ No one really knows why.