Reddit reviews Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women

I was able to orgasm with a vibrator and a lot of time, but never could get off with a guy until my (future) husband and I got seriously experimental about it. I'm very glad we did. It has made a HUGE difference! If you want to make an effort to change this, I encourage you to keep exploring alternatives.

That's important, because women who have trouble having orgasms differ so much in terms of what works that it's really hard to give specific advice, except this: don't stop trying new things just because the first ten don't work!

Fortunately, most of the things you will want to try are interesting and enjoyable, even if they don't work the first time, so the journey can be fun even if it takes a while.

This is a good place to start:

• How Women Can Become (More) Orgasmic.
  
  It has a bunch of links to other resources, including this classic book, which I recommend:
  
  
• Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women, revised edition
  
  It's out of print, but Amazon usually has used copies for under $10, shipping included. It's a classic for a reason. It has helped many, many women have their first orgasms and their first partnered orgasms.
  
  If you're like most people, you both came into your relationship with a set of preconceived ideas about what "having sex" consists of, in terms of the sequence of steps, the techniques, and the amount of time devoted to each part of the process. You've tried that and it hasn't worked, and you've tried a lot of variations on those themes without success. But you haven't explored all or even most of the possibilities, so don't give up now.
  
  A good example of that is the website OMG Yes!!!, where you can learn many variations on about a dozen basic ways for your partner to stimulate your vulva and clitoris with his fingers. (It's $39, but definitely worth it.) I recommend exploring it first and experimenting on yourself, and then you can show him what you'd like him to try.
  
  I also recommend the book She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, by Ian Kerner. It will help a great deal with the "stalling out" problem.
  
  More generally, I would urge you to:
  
  

1. Read all the relevant parts of A Beginner's Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex, especially the sections called "Focus on Her" and "Troubleshooting."
   
   
2. Get an inexpensive folding massage table. (Under $100 on Amazon, the best investment in good sex you'll ever make.)
   
   
3. Do sensate focus therapy together for at least three months. (This is the program described in the second half of "Becoming Orgasmic".]
   
   
4. Read the relevant articles from the SO30 Wiki for tips on oral and manual technique and advice on increasing sexual arousal during foreplay.
   
   
5. Adopt a longer, more sensual script for sex that includes a lot more cuddling, deep kissing, erotic massage, and foreplay before PIV, and follow that script at least half the time.
   
   
6. Specifically, learn sensual/erotic/tantric massage and do it a LOT.
   
   
7. Try an air-pulse type vibrator (e.g., Womanizer Pro40 or Satisfyer P2) and a regular vibrator with a different strength/pitch. (I.e., if the one you have is high-pitched and buzzy, get a deep rumbly one like the Magic Wand, or vice versa.) Try out each one during PIV. Reverse Cowgirl is the best if having him watch you is a problem. If not, Regular Cowgirl and Butterfly are also great. (Butterfly involves you lying at the foot of the massage table with your legs up and he stands facing you. Lots of room for a Wand!)
   
   
8. Try to create the most relaxing possible situation, a time and place where you are super relaxed. Get some good hard exercise, go dancing, sign up for a spa day, go to the beach or the park and spend some time communing with nature. Have a glass of wine, meditate, spend an hour with a litter of 14-week old puppies. Do whatever it is that works for you to get you really relaxed. Then take a long shower or bath and let your SO give you a great full-body massage that gradually incorporates fingers, oral, and your favorite vibrator.
   
   
9. If you have access to a trusted source, MDMA can do wonders.
   
   Good luck! ❤️💕

How old is she? Because a surprising number of women have their first orgasms in their 20s and 30s.

A few women never have an orgasm, but it's not clear whether that's because they really can't, or because they just never received the right kind of stimuli. In almost all cases, however, this is something a woman can learn how to do if she is willing to try, and to be patient.

The standard sex therapy for this is Sensate Focus Therapy, which the two of you can do with a therapist, or do on your own. I strongly recommend starting with the book Becoming Orgasmic, but you can also find SFT instructions online.

I also recommend getting a good, strong vibrator, like the classic Magic Wand, a pulsating shower head extension, and a good, inexpensive, folding massage table.

This article ...

• How Women Can Become (More) Orgasmic
  
  ... has recommendations and links to a lot of other good sources of information. It's part of a collection that has many other articles that may be useful in your situation:
  
  
• A Beginner's Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex.
  
  These threads duplicate some of what I wrote here, but they also have many other good answers and links to additional resources:
  
  
• Never had an orgasm
  
  
• Question re: women that had their 1st orgasm "late" in life
  
  Final tip: Find things to do that are enjoyable for both of you, and focus on increasing the amount of pleasure you both receive. Don't rush the process, don't create goals or expectations, and don't put pressure on her to orgasm, which will just slow her down. That first orgasm is most likely to happen when she is feeling relaxed, happy, safe, and loved. More pleasure, less pressure!
  
  I hope this helps and everything works out!

I have never had an orgasm, and I've seen a sex therapist about it. It was overall a positive experience, however not very helpful for me. So, here's a bit of the information I gathered from my sessions with her:

Books to read: Becoming Orgasmic and For Yourself. I found these books mostly relate to how to get over moral issues, if that's what is stopping you. Lots of exercises about getting comfortable with your body, touching yourself, and incorporating a partner.

As another user recommended, the Hitachi Magic Wand. Seriously. If you're buying a vibrator get this one.

Practice and Time. My therapist recommended scheduling an hour a day to masturbate (and not right before bed, when you're tired). Every day. Just focusing on pleasure and not the end goal.

Sorry if that's a bit jumbled, feel free to ask any questions.

http://www.amazon.ca/Becoming-Orgasmic-Sexual-Personal-Program/dp/0671761773

+

http://www.amazon.com/Vibratex-HV-250R-Hitachi-Magic-Massager/dp/B00005M1WE

Have you read Becoming Orgasmic?

Because it changed my life...

30 Female, not attractive, way more than 15 partners, and 2 long term and exceptionally healthy relationships...

http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Orgasmic-Sexual-Personal-Program/dp/0671761773 +http://www.amazon.com/The-Eroscillator-2-Deluxe-Massager/dp/B002T59P8C/ref=sr_1_1?s=hpc&srs=3027731011&ie=UTF8&qid=1450256082&sr=1-1. Changed/saved my life. Take it slow.

First, know that you are normal. As I discussed in this post today, one study in Canada suggests that almost half of all women may fantasize about dominating other people sexually.

>I want to consume as much as possible before I jump into anything.

Well, since you asked, my specialty just so happens to be in giving people way more reading material than they actually wanted...

• Start with Emily Nagoski's Come as You Are. It's written by a female sex researcher for women, though as a man, I still found it immensely helpful for understanding both my own and my wife's sexuality. Not about kink specifically, but all about self-discovery and self-acceptance, which sounds like what you're looking for right now.
  
• Next, Nancy Friday's Beyond My Control: Forbidden Fantasies in an Uncensored Age. I haven't actually read this one, but I have read her more well-known work, My Secret Garden. That was her original, ground-breaking study of women's sexual fantasies. However, I'm recommending Beyond My Control for you because it is more recent (2009) and deals extensively with female fantasies of domination, whereas most of the fantasies in Secret Garden revolve around female submission (a scandalous idea back when it was first published in 1973).
  
• Optional: Julia Heiman's Becoming Orgasmic. A fascinating read even if you already know how to orgasm. An excellent guide to self-exploration and a wonderful primer on female sexuality. The intended audience is women who have never achieved orgasm through masturbation or are trying to learn how to orgasm with their partner. I read it because I thought it would help me better understand my wife's sexuality and help me help her orgasm in my presence, but what I ended up learning from reading the book and talking to my wife is that she's currently not all that interested in orgasming in my presence...and that's OK. What I'm trying to say is I am not the intended audience but still found it immensely helpful. Nevertheless, it's an unconventional recommendation, so that's why I mark it as optional. But if you do decide to read it and think about gentle femdom while doing the suggested exercises, I think you will learn a lot about yourself.
  
• Optional: Easton & Hardy's The New Topping Book. I haven't read this one either, but I have read the submissive counterpart, The New Bottoming Book. It was a bit "old guard BDSM" for my tastes, if you know what I mean, but I list it here anyway because I see it recommended so often, which suggests it must be helpful to other people. The one thing the Bottoming Book did teach me is that one of the things I bring to the table as a submissive is responsiveness, so now I make it a point to moan like a whore whenever my wife is doing things to me. I can't speak to what the Topping Book may or may not teach you as a dom.
  
  Your post seems to imply that you are not currently in a relationship and want to focus on self-discovery before pursing one. Once you have come to a better understanding of what you want and are ready to pursue a relationship, I recommend the following two books:
  
  
• First, Emily Nagoski's A Scientific Guide to Successful Relationships. Read the whole thing, but know that Part 3 is the most helpful for learning how to communicate what you want with your future partner. The principles of staying over your own emotional center of gravity, self-assertion, and self-protection are worth their weight in gold.
  
• Next, Gary Chapman's The 5 Love Languages. It's not all about sex. This really surprised me, but Chapman's book improved my relationship with my wife and my sex life more than any of the other ones on this list. Some people are turned off by the author's Christian perspective, but his faith is not even made explicit until about halfway through the book, and there's a reason it has 12,674 reviews on Amazon (96% of them 4- or 5-star) and is still the #1 bestselling book on marriage on Amazon even though it was first published way back in 1992. Once you know what you want and how to communicate that to your future partner, you still need to know how to best communicate your love to that boy. It could be touch, it could be words of affirmation, it could be gifts, it could be quality time, and it could be acts of service or any mix of the above.

Well I'm glad I was able to help out.

If you want to and have the time/money/insurance to cover visits to a therapist it would be a great idea to do so but is by no means required.

I would suggest picking up this book or this book to read since they address a lot of the "issues" you are running into. Just remember they are not problems, just obstacles that you can overcome with the right information and practice.

What will make the biggest difference will be self exploration so that you get comfortable with your own body first. It will take time, it will take effort, and you will feel defeated at times, but you will make it to a more pleasurable state.

>if I feel anything, it's clitoral, and as soon as I recognize that and try to hone in on it, I lose it.

This is fairly normal, from what I know, when people aren't mentally ready for sex. You haven't had the chance to learn what you need because of the environment you grew up in and you have to remember it isn't your fault nor is it a problem. We all grow up in different areas of life at different rates. Make sure you are effectively communicating your struggle and plan to your boyfriend and make sure he makes the compromises he needs to so that you can make progress at your own pace.

If you want any other advice or suggestions feel free to ask. Reddit is a great place to come ask these kinds of thing but, keep in mind, if it revolves around a medical health issue, the doctor is the only one who can answer it accurately.

This seems like a very good book to start with:
https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Orgasmic-Sexual-Personal-Program/dp/0671761773/

As for a toy I'd recommend the Womanizer or Satisfyer (both work on the same principle of gentle suction and air vibration, the first is more expensive and more rumbly). I can't do manual stimulation either and those things just need to stay in place, they're amazing.