Reddit reviews Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself

OK, go right now and download the e-book version on kindle of Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself by Shahida Arabi

While the author primarily wrote it from the perspective of getting out of romantic relationships with a Narcissist, it still will help you TREMENDOUSLY and she even says it's for all narcissists. It also has links at the end of every chapter if you want to drill down into the author's own research on any particular topic, so the whole book is almost like a college level course on setting boundaries, recognizing abusive behavior, and then disengaging from an abuser.

And yes, you are looking to disengage from an abuser. YES therapy is a GREAT idea. You've literally had 28 years of an unhealthy relationship with an abusive primary caregiver, not saying it will take another 28 years to UNDO all that you've been indoctrinated with and brainwashed about... but you will want to go for at least 8 sessions to start with. CAll your insurance company, get a bunch of referrals, and then call each one and do a preliminary screening - you want someone who specializes in adults recovering from childhood narcissistic abuse, and make very clear, you WANT to go No Contact - you are not there if the point of their practice is "to mend the rift" type of philosophy. The only tears you are looking to mend are in yourself, not save a toxic relationship with an abuser.

This:

>I want to tell her I don't want to pursue a relationship with her and basically formally excommunicate her.

Is what is known as No Contact. And Narcs, losing control of their Nsupply (that's what your relationship gives her) have VERY extreme reactions when their Nsupply is cut off. It IS their heroine, it is the blood the emotional vampire lives on. So before you do it, it's best to PREPARE to do it. To outmaneuver her and to make your ending contact on YOUR terms. As Maud D'ib once said, "He who can destroy a thing, controls a thing." (And you, on your own, can end this relationship. You don't require her agreement, cooperation, or even understanding.) However, when it comes to Narcissists getting put on No Contact, their standard reaction is usually, "Well, if I can't control a thing, I will DESTROY a thing." (The Thing being you, as N's objectify people and only see others as toys or dolls to play with and entertain and please themselves). So before you do initiate No Contact, you're going to want to MAKE contact with the people in your life who she acts as a gatekeeper for - aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends, etc. Luckily, you have a nice, fresh Thank You Note list for everybody. That's great. Plan to send out holiday cards this year, always keep them updated on your changes of address, and generally make sure you observe the social obligations of maintaining contact directly.

Finally.... plan your No Contact,a nd then do it. Read everything you can about it and N's reactions "Nrage" to No contact so you are mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, and LEGALLY prepared.

Start by being kind to yourself, and making sure YOUR basic needs are met as Priority #1... so no, you can't completely break down in front of your kids, and they depend on you, but honey as the mom of a 16 year old - your kids will be better off with YOU being genuinely better off, not slapping a Happy Face on misery. Go ahead and give yourself permission to call in a babysitter for regular blocks of time for you to be able to let your feelings out for the next few months, whether that's a good cry, or journalling, or in a therapists office or a workout or painting, what ever your healing process is, and if something isn't helping, find what does.

Your kids might adore your dad, but y'know what? They REALLY aren't as much of a big deal in the 5-minute-attention-span life of a little kid. So give yourself permission to not let yourself be twisted by fear, guilt, or obligation (F.O.G.) about the kids. Your father can also be on a time out while you take time to heal. You aren't in a place, mentally or emotionally, to be able to mentally picture, let alone communicate, what a healthy relationship with boundaries would look like so that he can be in your life WITHOUT you breaking NC with your Nmom,... but you will eventually be able to work that out. It can take as long as it takes, and that's OK.

Read Becoming the Narcissists' Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself Kindle Edition
by Shahida Arabi

Read Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts by Regena Thomashauer and let your Inner Bitch out to party more often. You'll be glad you did. So will your kids, your husband, and everyone else.

Read Elizabeth Gilbert's Big Magic, and find whatever creative thing you like to noodle away at as your art, and go do that - not for money, not for fame, but just because it fills up your spirit.

If you need to zone out in video games tending a garden or killing orcs or amassing yoru empire, that's ok, but watch hwo many hours you spend zone out being entertained, instead of learning anything new or creating something new yourself.

Eat good food, get more sleep, take your vitamins, make sure you break fresh air and sunshine in more often.

Unless you actually DO feel happier, stronger, and better on a diet, let yourself say "fuck it" about dieting for a while (sometimes people like to feel more in control and have something to depend on when everything else is going to hell, sometimes, you just need a brownie. Or a bottle of wine.)

Plan some nice thing for yourself each week, a little treat. Like an hour of guided meditation on YouTube, with a pretty candle lit, or take a bubble batha nd get a body massage from your husband (not sexual, just pampering), if you want a piece of chocolate, go ahead and buy the Ghirardelli, not the damn kiddie crap. Call a personal chef service and have them whip up a bunch of family friendly casseroles for your freezer so some nights you can just have a great meal with no damn work.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B01B01O3PA?ref=aw_sitb_digital-text


That's a really shit situation. I have zero experience with stalking, but the book in the link talks about it and might help some with your PTSD as well.

From Amazon:

Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism

If you have Kindle:

Narcissism: Surviving the Self-Involved - A Little Primer on Narcissism and Self-Care

This Kindle is a best-seller, so I don't know about availability:

Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself

No Contact : How to Beat the Narcissist

And some links:

https://ukiahcommunityblog.wordpress.com/2014/10/02/its-not-me-its-you-children-of-christian-narcissists/

That's not just for children of Christian narcissists...

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beautiful-minds/201103/do-narcissists-know-they-are-narcissists

http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/does-the-narcissist-know-what-he-or-she-is-doing/

Good luck.

This is a good book on the subject of dealing with traumas inflicted by narcissists: https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Narcissists-Nightmare-Narcissist-Supplying-ebook/dp/B01B01O3PA

And of course you'll also get a lot of validation and support from this forum.

Therapists can be a hit or miss proposition. Unless you can find one with a thorough understanding on narcissistic personality disorder, they may not be of much help, or even do more harm than good.

That's classic narcissism as is her recent behavior and claiming that her feelings and actions are out of her hands.

Here is a book suggestion Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01B01O3PA/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_pQuVBbTAZ9JY7

You can Google "narcissist divorce" to find a lot of books that could help you.