Reddit reviews Boundaries in Marriage
We found 4 Reddit comments about Boundaries in Marriage. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
Reddit reviews Boundaries in MarriageWe found 4 Reddit comments about Boundaries in Marriage. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
This article talks about Biblical leadership.... one thing to note is that men are not commanded to take leadership, but merely to be willing to lead. It is women’s responsibility to submit to the God-given authority of their husband. Your commands include to love your wife, to choose what is best for her, and to be willing and able to lead her and your family. She is the one commanded to submit to your authority.
It is godly to not want to seize authority over your wife. But it is not godly to allow her to take leadership over you, nor is it godly of her to be insubordinate to you. That’s the main difference.
As to the shopping/ finances. It seems a lot of it is online shopping. Could you treat her shopping addiction like a porn addiction? Therapy, structure (a budget!), and limited access to the internet. If she agrees to do something and then doesn’t hold onto that promise, her word is worth nothing. She needs to rebuild your trust in her through time, truth, and right action. I STRONGLY suggest reading (and implementing!) Boundaries in Marriage
Further research—I haven’t watched it, but it’s John Piper
Can you follow this link?
How long have you guys been married for?
I can only help from personal experience. And I could be right/close or I might not be right at all regarding your wife.
I've been married 5 years and still think about my exes at times. I loved them but I knew they weren't people I wanted to marry and spend my life with. I think I struggle with /r/limerence and perhaps your wife does too. Thoughts, dreams at night still include exes even though I don't want them to!
The fact that your wife is looking into exes (this deeply, to the point of separation,) etc... and dragging you around for this ride of hers is totally unfair and mean!
I am hoping that this is something she can get out of her system ASAP. She needs to learn about "love" versus "emotions" possibly. It's a lesson I have been learning over the last 1-2 years for myself. It takes time, but I am trying to be happy/content with the wonderful life I have. "Grass is greener where you water it" type deal.
Your wife possibly hasn't closed the book on her past, but PERHAPS you'd be willing to walk this journey WITH her. You seem to truly love her and seem committed to your marriage. (I am in awe of that, as your love and commitment is inspiring.) Your wife could possibly just have baggage. Baggage that she wants to naturally hide from you, because her baggage has to do with.. exes... and "what ifs" regarding them. What if you provide an environment for her that she doesn't have to hide from you and work through her thoughts alone and she can open up to you?
We have to get her to see that:
I suggest, like the other 2 posters, that you continue counseling (so you both can learn and grow together during this season.) She should get whatever is going on with her OUT on the TABLE, dig deep, get nitty-gritty! Even though it hurts! And it could hurt you too, a lot. Try not to let it, try not to take it personally. It's a war within her mind and heart. You seem to be a great guy. She just has to get over this hump, educate herself, and TRY with you. Put in some effort on her end!
If she is willing to TRY with you, I suggest you stay. Give it a year? with no.. "side-guy behavior" if that is what you want from her.
My husband and I got this baggage of mine out on the table about 3 years ago. I even fell for a new dude (who I'm still limerent with, but we stopped talking and I know he'd be horrible for me... I just struggle with limerence...) But my husband and I had to TALK about it. I had to tell my husband "what I was getting from the other guy that I wasn't at home, etc." Those topics were hard for my husband to hear, but he listened and he still listens when I have a tough day now, 3 years later. Limerence STAYS with a person.. it's terrible and I don't wish it on anyone, especially people who are married.
Anyway, He's been my friend THROUGH this. I love him even that much more for it, and we've been doing so great in the last 1-2 years!
Resources for Couples:
> This was turned around on men in the 90's and 00's.
You've yet to show any indication of that.
>Again, I'm not talking about idealizing someone
Then how is this relevant? I'm talking about behavior that Cyralea claims is BP advice, to idealize/pedestalize your partner, to constantly bend over backwards for them, was not seen as helpful marital advice (except perhaps half a century ago to women).
If you are also claiming that behavior is BP advice, then show it.
>Boundaries in Marriage
I don't have access to the book, but reading reviews and quotes from it doesn't seem to match up with your description
>"There is a huge difference between causing someone pain and causing someone harm. Refusing to rescue someone may be painful for them, but it does not do them any harm. In fact, when we rescue them or appease them, we allow them to continue harming us or harm themselves, merely to get them temporarily out of pain. In reality, rescuing a person often results in enabling them and a continued perpetuation of the problem as the result."
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Marriage-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/1480554995#customerReviews
This doesn't at all sound like they want men to bend over backwards and appease women.
I think that is a good decision. If you have time, possibly read Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken". You have probably read this before or come across someone talking about it. It is a good illustration about choice. The poem is somewhat ambiguous for the most part and seems to leave the reader up to their own interpretation. But Frost's intention is that after carefully reading it and re-reading you will realize that choice is choice. That sometimes one choice is not necessarily demonstrably better than another, despite how they may seem. That poem has very special meaning to me for a few reasons. First, my original inclination was that he meant the road less taken was obviously the better road. Spoiler, not the case. Second, because his more cleverly plaid out poem illustrates that sometimes it is not the choice that is important, but the journey. That whichever choice you make, you are still on a journey and consistently concentrating on regret is not a great recipe for success. (for reference: https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2015/09/11/the-most-misread-poem-in-america/)
Now, on to tips for what you may do. Your dilemma seems very similar to that of introvert/extrovert relationships. In the sense that you don't need as much interaction as your partner does. I would suggest looking up tips relating to this phenomenom for introvert-extrovert pairings. Here is a link to get your started on ideas:
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/love-matters/2018/05/15-ways-to-blossom-if-youre-in-an-introvert-extrovert-relationship/
Also, learning someone's love language and how to speak in it can make a massive improvement. It can help you maximize your time and interactions with those you love by learning to communicate effectively with them. Here is a link to learn more about that (caution the site has a bit of shameless self promotion, but it is very highly respected):
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Learning about how to recognize, set, communicate and respect boundaries in a relationship. Boundaries are important, they help us define how we interact with ourselves, loved ones, and the world in general. Understanding our boundaries and properly communicating them to those around us can help reduce anxiety, social miscues, pointless arguments, etc. I particularly enjoyed the books by Dr Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It is often written as more of a story / learning experience and uses many practical examples to illustrate the points being made.
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Relationships-Knowing-Protecting-Enjoying/dp/155874259X
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control-ebook/dp/B06XFKNB2Y
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Marriage-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/1480554995
Hopefully these suggestions can help get you started. I would also discuss these with your counselor and get his opinion/suggestions. See what he makes of all of this. Understand also that part of a therapist/counselor's job is to listen and get to know you. They need to establish a baseline, to learn to decipher what you are saying and not saying, to get a sense of your interaction with others, etc. So a lot of sessions are typically spent coaxing you to talk and open up more so they can become more informed about you specifically. After all, we are often very complex and yet simple at the same time. There is general advice that can typically be given, but you don't really need an expert for that. What you need is someone who can see and understand the complexity, and not just the first or second layers. And this individual has to do this in minimal time as you may only get a few visits from your insurance. But they are there to help you and they do want to see your best interests met, that is their job. So don't be shy to give them specific scenarios and occassionally ask for a specific opinion. They are more apt to give you specific advice more quickly for individual events or cases.