Reddit reviews Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Positively Forward

One of my close friends who is a revert had severe anger problems. The thing is he would go to the imam and learn from him everyday. The imam would literally sit down with him and council him everyday that he needs to keep his anger in check. From daily reminders to text messages and phone calls.

I think that easy anger is preperterated by anger and volient outbreaks at home. Children learn from their parents and sometimes our fathers are not the best examples for us because of how they react when they come home. Sometimes our fathers are like that, which causes us to have anger issues and react voliently very easily. In their defense I will say they most likely grew up in a very broken home and had to deal with many hardships.

Moving along to your situation. I personally believe that its the idle mind that allows you fanasize about what you want to do and what you are going to do if this person keeps rubbing you the wrong way. You doing tasbeeh should help just keep doing agstafar and walk away. Also try venting with someone about your anger. What you want to do to this person whos pissed you off and what not. Pick someone who is patient and won't get overburdern by you constantly venting.

Also if you don't mind spending a little money buy this book which might help you understand issues with your bad habits.

http://www.amazon.com/Changing-Good-Revolutionary-Overcoming-Positively/dp/038072572X

Lots of good input from obviously experienced people here. The five stages of recovery (from PTSD or any other "mental illness") are vital to understand in situations like this. If she is at the first of those stages, it may help considerably to look into the concept of "motivational enhancement" and to learn how it can be used by you to move her toward the second stage. For that, I strongly recommend this book, a classic from the '90s on the stages as they were seen at that time, as well as the process of moving people through them. I would also look this article over to get some more tools for tolerance in your own "toolbox." If and when she gets to stage two, I'll cautiously suggest attending ACA/DF meetings (because some of them are really out to lunch, while others are excellent) but strongly suggest getting their Big Red Book and reading it.

Compulsive hoarding is a notoriously difficult disorder to treat, largely because the illness renders a person incapable of seeing their behavior as a problem. Hoarding at its root seems to be an anxiety disorder. The hoarding helps to alleviate the anxiety, allowing the hoarder to draw tremendous comfort from his hoard. Attempts to talk to the hoarder about the problem intensifies his psychological pain and anxiety, which in turn deepens his mistrust, and so you usually get meltdowns, tantrums, and/or verbal abuse.

That said, there are things that can be done about a compulsive hoarder, but it requires a lot of patience and a willingness to take things very slowly.

Houshalter, if you don't mind doing a little reading and buying some books, I have some recommendations for you:

Get a copy of Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things by Gail Skeketee and Randy Frost. Read Stuff first. It's written by two leading researchers into compulsive hoarding disorder, and does an excellent job of explaining to the layman exactly what goes on inside a hoarder's head, why they act the way they do, and the different issues that can be at the root of the disorder.

Once you understand what might be going on with your hoarder, read Digging Out: Helping Your Loved One Manage Clutter, Hoarding, and Compulsive Acquiring by Michael Tompkins. Digging Out gives you an actual plan for working with a hoarder who's unwilling or unable to acknowledge that there's a problem. The book advocates working towards harm reduction--instead of approaching the situation with a "CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!" attitude, it focuses on maximizing your loved one's safety & comfort over discarding his or her things. (This doesn't mean that a clean-out's not possible, it's just not the #1 priority as you get started). Not all aspects of the plan may be useful to you--the book tends to focus on elderly hoarders--but some of it likely will.


Also a book called Changing for Good by Prochaska, Norcross and DiClemente may interest you. It discusses the Stages of Change Model, an important model developed I think in the early 1990s, that's been applied in numerous public health contexts. The authors' research indicates that people in different stages of change require different strategies to establish and maintain engagement. Precontemplation is the first stage, where the person does not view their "problem behavior" as a problem (this would seem to align with your hoarder), The authors also address the myth that the person has to "hit bottom" before they change, and suggest strategies for promoting and supporting change. The book also discusses the problem of trying to get people to take action before they're ready. Changing For Good is written mostly for self-changers, so if you're more concerned about someone ELSE changing, you may find it's not exactly what you need, . But I just wanted to mention it, because of the sections on Precontemplation.


Finally, get support for yourself. Take a look at www.childrenofhoarders.com. This is a fantastic website that provides support for people living with hoarders.

Seems like your brother has an inability to cope with adversity, which sets him up for failure at the slightest set back.

This is like an anxiety/depression spiral. He needs to hit rock bottom and commit himself to change THEN given help only in the form of therapy (i.e., directly paid for instead of given cash to get treatment) and strict external accountability

Good luck. Likely he rationalizes all this bad behavior by seeing himself as a victim. Does he blame your parents for his current situation or hold grudges about the past?

Practical ways to move his life forward:

1. Learn to exercise. Don't care how or what. Running is fine. Biking is fine. Lifting is the best (obviously) but more advanced. It is important to learn to manage stress, this is a good (literal) way.
   
2. Face addiction to video games/internet/media. This shit is real. It is escapism to avoid stress.
   
3. Eat a better diet, sleep better, get air (perhaps take a walk in the morning or evening) - understand the mental health is directly built on physical health. Make sure he is getting proper vitamins, especially Bs and D vitamins.
   
   One common distraction is the claim of "progress", which may be incrementalism-- or failure through low aspirations. For example, a person needs to lose weight therefore they switch to diet soda as "progress" but continue to eat highly processed sugars and make no effort to improve basic cardiovascular health. Or a man wants to get in shape and does 5 push ups every morning. That's great and all but real work is needed for real results.
   
   Just like making any real change, dedicated effort and commitment is required. I'm actually reading this book which has interesting theories on how change happens (from a therapy perspective). I don't have the copy handy, but if it sounds interesting to you I can PM you more details in a few days.
   
   ETA: do you think he's an alcoholic? The chances of comorbidity are high.