Reddit reviews Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving

You are under no obligation to be used by her to bear children. It is just as bad for her to do that to you as it is if you were using her just for sexual gratification. So no, if she approached you for sex like that, don't have sex with her like that. That's rape. She is raping you. You are morally obligated to refuse to be used like that because to indulge her is to enable her vice.

As with therapy, she's not your parent. She is your wife. No one gets to say no to their spouse's needs. In marriage both spouse's needs have to be mutually considered as equal. You argue only how and when, never the what. So she doesn't just get to tell you to tolerate the status quo. She gets to say "Hey, I don't know about this solution. How about this one instead?" Any "no, your needs get to be ignored" is a violation of the marital vows.

You both appear to be having some serious personal issues. While I don't like the term codependency and think attachment theory is more accurate, your enabling behavior is something you need to work on. You have to develop personal boundaries or you will struggle to have healthy relationships at all. She probably has some pretty deep wounds too regarding sex. (BTW, I've been in your shoes in this regard)

So the thing is, you can use this to work together to mutually heal, or she can continue to deny you have a problem and abandon you, while you get the actual help you need. But don't exclude her from the opportunity. You don't need to divorce her just yett. That's if you need to separate assets or seek an annullment. The first step is therapy, and it'll help you even if she abandons you and continues to say no to your needs.

I personally recommend the Pastorial Solutions Institute. https://www.catholiccounselors.com/
Telecounseling is absolutely great. It's a whole lot easier to make appointments. That said, therapy can be expensive.

If you want a more affordable option, check out Faithful Counseling. This is a group of Christian Counselors who do counseling through the larger Betterhelp.com app. The fees are a lot less expensive because of the lower overhead costs. I'd recommend betterhelp, but I think some Christian background would better considering your moral struggles with sex. https://www.faithfulcounseling.com

Regardless, you want to find a marriage friendly therapist who is trained in actual marriage therapy. They should be able to name the method they were taught. It needs to be post graduate. The type of method doesn't matter. And you need to find out their view on marriage. Most therapists take a neutral view on it. Believe it or not, they don't see their job as saving marriages. They see their jobs as helping people figure out their needs, communicate better, and become happier whether the marriage survives or not. It's a bit like going to a therapist who is neutral on suicide. You're depressed and having suicidal thoughts, and they might be like "Well, maybe it's legitimate. What's holding you back?" Marriage friendly therapist will better identify the hope and encourage you, while acknowledging that some marriages can't be saved. (In which case, you can seek your annullment with greater confidence)

If you do go with the Pastorial Institute, get Dr. Popcak's book (Holy Sex)[https://www.amazon.com/Holy-Sex-Toe-Curling-Mind-Blowing-Infallible/dp/0824524713]. Call it your Catholic guide to sexual morality in marriage if you're working with a Protestant therapist.

Another book to consider (though I haven't read it. I've read a related book) is the book ("Avoidant: How to Love or Leave a Dismissive Partner")[https://www.amazon.com/Avoidant-Love-Leave-Dismissive-Partner-ebook]

The big thing is that this isn't about love languages. Some people have insecure attachment styles. Some have anxious attachment styles that cause them to chase after and pander to the demands of their partner. If their partner has an anxious avoidant attachment style, this actually causes them to flee their partner.

Most Christian marriage books don't touch on these issues at all and give you HORRIBLE advice if you have attachment problems. The advice often makes the situation WORSE.

So therapy. Go. Because it's not just about leaving. It's about healing. Even if she decides she's not going or that she's going to leave you instead if you advocate for yourself, it makes it clearer what's happening. She's been saying no to her wedding vows constantly. You need to assert your needs and see if she'll actually say yes. That MEANS you've done all the OPPOSITE things you should be doing. You've been giving more when you should be GIVING LESS. Like it or not, all those people who say "Marriage isn't 50/50, it's 100/100" don't know what the heck that 50/50 is trying to correct in people. I mean, yes, give marriage 100% effort, but 50% is not effort. 50/50 s about making sure the relationship is one of reciprocal love.

Good luck. It worked for my husband and I.

Thankfully, holy sex and hot sex aren't mutually exclusive. EDIT: This book is a good read for this sort of topic. I mean, it's got "toe-curling" right there in the title! But seriously, I've read it and it's really good.

First off, masturbation is immoral. It denies all the aspects of rightly ordered sex and seeks one's own pleasure at the expense of everything else. Neither one of you should be masturbating under any circumstances.

Second, rightly ordered sex according to Catholic teaching allows for foreplay, including manual and oral stimulation, prior to or following penetrative sex, provided it's all in the same context/occurrence. So your husband is wrong on that count, but it's the sort of deeply personal opinion that is difficult to change.

In situations like this, my wife always recommends Holy Sex by Greg Popcak. Reading that book or a similar Catholic source may help your husband change his mind. (I know not everyone agrees with Popcak on these points, but I think it's fairly in line with Catholic teaching.)

One other thing: You say that your husband wants penetrative sex frequently but refuses to participate in any effort to bring you to climax. This is contrary to Catholic ideals about sex and the principles of personhood. You are both complete persons and you are both participants in the marital act; if he's just having sex with you to his own climax and ignores your pleasure, he's doing very little different from masturbation.

It is a flawed understanding of human biology to assume that penetrative sex will have the same effect on everyone. The fact of the matter is that women typically need some kind of further stimulation to achieve climax, and some find it almost impossible to achieve climax through penetrative sex. This isn't their fault or something sinful; it's just a coincidence of biology.

Actually OP, there is a counselor who may be able to help you. Look for Gregory Popcak. He wrote this book

My husband and I have been following the Creighton method for the past year. It's been working perfectly for us so far. It does take a while to grow accustomed to your baseline as well as to remember to make observations so frequently -- but it's absolutely worth it. Charting has been a remarkable discovery process for us. It's significantly opened our communication and comfort with one another [an unexpected benefit!] and it's been an excellent indicator of my health and stress levels.

We've been extremely happy with our instructor (you'll need one). There's information about where to find them here: http://www.creightonmodel.com/teacherlocation.htm

If you are using the pill or any type of hormonal contraceptive, I'm fairly certain that it will throw off your charting. I'm not sure you will be able to obtain any useful information about what is happening with your cycle if it is being altered by artificial hormone. You will definitely want to bring that up with your instructor early on.

It is a rough road early on and it can be a bit overwhelming, but I would encourage you to stick with it and jump over those initial hurdles. Once you are comfortable with your cycle you will be so thankful that you stuck it out.

One book that we really enjoyed is Holy Sex by Gregory Popcak. There's quite a lot of information in there outside of NFP methods, but he gives a number of excellent reasons to live NFP. This might help your conversation with your husband more than presenting the different types of methods, because it provides solid reasons for WHY NFP is worth doing:
http://www.amazon.com/Holy-Sex-Toe-Curling-Mind-Blowing-Infallible/dp/0824524713/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1381956887&sr=8-1&keywords=holy+sex

This book would be a really good read for you, if you want to have a clearer understanding of the church's view of sexually.

https://www.amazon.com/Holy-Sex-Toe-Curling-Mind-Blowing-Infallible/dp/0824524713/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1480231316&sr=8-1&keywords=Dr+Greg+Popcak+holy+sex

I think you are mistaken in your impression that the Catholic Church demands that women become baby factories. Here's some food for thought.

Many a Catholic Theologian has called sex one of the greatest forms of prayer.

Blog post with good references

Also, try Theology of the Body, written by a guy you might know - JP2.

EWTN's response to the question

I also strongly recommend the book Holy Sex!. It's a well-done book about Catholic sex and sexuality, and it makes it very understandable.

Seriously read this book - alot of you said above is a misconception of what the Church Actually Teaches.

https://www.amazon.com/Holy-Sex-Toe-Curling-Mind-Blowing-Infallible/dp/0824524713

No not all contraception. Just "contraception" which inhibits the implantation of a fertilized embryo. Contraception which inhibits the joining of sperm and egg is allowed.

I am not using the legal defination of murder since the legal defination can change to anything anyone wants. I am using the ethical defination of unjust killing.

Nope. Feel free to check out this nice book on good sex.

I never said women are only meant to be mothers. I said women who have a child (a mother) cannot kill their child.