Reddit reviews On Death and Dying: What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy and Their Own Families

I'd say this is a perfectly normal reaction, especially if you have never seen a dead person before. Also, it's completely normal for caregivers of all levels to feel this kind of grief.

I volunteer in hospice every weekend, so I periodically (usually at least 1 per shift, sometimes 2) see the bodies go by. I have to admit that since my shift is only once a week, I don't typically even "know" the people being wheeled out. I'm sure that makes it a little harder for you, given that you had some part of their care. People who volunteer multiple shifts a week and primarily sit with patients often have to take "breaks" because they get so weighed down with the pain.

For me, the most difficult part is always the families. Nobody responds to grief quite the same. I don't feel pain so much for the person as I do for those they left behind.

How do I "cope"? Since I am primarily at the front desk providing family support, I find the best thing is just listening and letting yourself be with them in the moment. I don't talk a lot, but I do a whole lot of listening. It's especially hard for me personally when a young person dies and I see their family (we don't see a whole lot of under 20's, but I frequently see early 30's and on), because that is just SO hard.

I think coping is just getting used to it. You have to accept that sometimes you will "feel". Sometimes you might not. Neither one is wrong, as long as it doesn't consume you or impair you ability to function. I think I take the most comfort in knowing that so many families and patients have a wonderful experience in our facility. I know people are dying on THEIR own terms (for the most part, sadly things still happen) in hospice.

Most people (maybe others have other experiences) who know they are about to die are oddly at peace with it. If you ever have the chance to be in/hear/talk about those moments, there is something peaceful about that. I guess some people could take this as sad, but I think it's a beautiful thing when someone is so content with their life.

A lot of my acceptance of death came from watching my own stepmom (46 when she died) go through cancer that started in her bile duct and spread, ultimately killing her 9 months later. I don't think death will ever be "easy" for me, but witnessing the bravery of those that are dying has completely changed my view. It's as natural as being born.

Have you read any books by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross? I have read a few of her books (I bought them when I found out my stepmom was terminal) and my favorite is this one:

https://www.amazon.com/Death-Dying-Doctors-Nurses-Families/dp/1476775540

It's an easy read and helped prepare me emotionally. Before my stepmom, I had only ever lost grandparents who were ready to go (not that it wasn't sad that I lost them, but hopefully you know what I mean. I tend to be less "shocked" when the elderly die).

Leave it to the experts like Kubler-Ross. This book might help, from there you can find similar titles that offer structured advice focused on both patients and families.
"Elisabeth authored twenty-four books in thirty-six languages and brought comfort to millions of people coping with their own deaths or the death of a loved one. Her greatest professional legacy includes teaching the practice of humane care for the dying and the importance of sharing unconditional love."

I think it’d an important topic to think about in a daily basis - not in a weepy fearful way, but just to appreciate the time left here on earth. When my dad passed, it hit me hard and I realized how much I had squandered my life being miserable, tense, and angry. I think death helps break you out of your shell. I do imagine myself near death every so often, and it helps take me out of the worries and concerns I have during the day.

Here’s a solid book on the topic:

https://www.amazon.com/Death-Dying-Doctors-Nurses-Families/dp/1476775540

And of course the classic by Viktor Frankl:

https://www.amazon.com/Mans-Search-Meaning-Viktor-Frankl/dp/080701429X

And if Alan Watts is up your alley:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=M7KRgluYeps

Sorry to have misunderstood you. My 4 year old has been getting up at the butt-crack of dawn for the last few days, and since I'm always running on an energy deficit because of my MS, now my reading comprehension has taken a bit of a hit. He's back in school today, so he should be pretty worn out, and I'll get some freaking sleep.

On Death and Dying is the number one resource that I recommend. If books on grief had a gold standard, this would be it.

Healing After Loss is another good one that I often recommended.

I wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye is one I wish I'd had during my brief time doing grief counseling, because almost all of my patients lost someone suddenly and tragically.

How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies is another old one that's still relevant)

Getting to the Other Side of Grief is one that is specific to losing a spouse.

I personally used The Grief Recovery Handbook and I recommend it so often I should really put it on business cards, but your friend might do better with the workbook that goes with I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye.

A Grief Workbook for Skeptics is brand new and I haven't had a chance to flip though it at the library, but it's nice to see a book address the grieving process for atheists/agnostics. Not that the other books I recommended are religious-y, but atheists (like my husband) do have different grief needs than theists, and it's good to see those getting addressed.

Incidentally, I'm not a social worker anymore. I quit this morning. Not my job, I quit my career. I have MS, and it has finally come to the point that I can't work in any capacity, whether as a social worker or a dog walker or one of those people who dress up in banana suits and stand on busy streets spinning signs to get you to go buy a cellphone or something. I'll be applying for disability tomorrow. So henceforth, take my opinions as that of a former social worker.

Please give my condolences to your friend. They say that losing a child is the worst kind of grief imaginable. And it was (and sometimes is) pretty fucking horrible. But despite going through that, and two traumatic pregnancy losses, the thought of losing a spouse is terrifying to me. I can't wrap my brain around how I could function after that, and I'm saddened to hear that your friend has to live that nightmare. I hope one or more of these books is helpful. The only thing I think I can contribute is something someone once told me after my son died, when I was drowning in grief and wanted to know when it would go away. It never goes away, but one day you wake up and find that you don't mind carrying it with you anymore. It becomes a part of who you are. If you think that your friend would be helped by hearing that, pass it along, but if not just tell them that I'm sorry for their loss.

On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is the most prominent example that comes to mind.

This is a research-ish based book based on the author's experience working in hospice settings. Not sure what you mean exactly by the "theory" of death and dying, but this covers the experience/emotions terminal patients go through at end of life.

The absolute best reference on the tone scale was written by Ruth Minshull in How To Choose Your People. The writing is interesting and entertaining, there are lots of useful examples, and I got far more out of the book than from all the LRH materials.

In the 70s her books were sold in the CofS, but -- for reasons I don't want to go into at the moment -- they had a falling out. You can only find used copies now or look for it online.

Another useful reference on the topic -- unaffiliated with Scn -- is On Death and Dying. Dr Elisabeth Kübler-Ross found that people facing imminent death went through specific stages: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This is essentially going downward through the tone scale.