Reddit reviews Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving

Yeah, this became quite the wall of text, it's ok to not attempt it in all one sitting, you won't hurt my feelings.

Advice:

Learning your body: start by getting a hand mirror and prop yourself up on a couple of pillows, bend and spread your knees (have you ever had a gyno exam? There's a reason women are placed in that position and it's not for their comfort, it's to help the doc examine things). Here's an ok diagram of the external anatomy, and an actual picture from the Wikipedia article for "Vulva." You'll see the external or outer labia (labia majora) with a cleft between them and probably some degree of the inner labia sticking out between the cleft. However much inner labia you have sticking out is completely fine and healthy, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Spread the plumper outer labia and the inner labia (labia minora) will be there. Typically they'll be closed together, these are what you wipe between after you pee because the inner labia can hold on to the final bits of urine. And of course, you wipe front to back to avoid bringing bacteria from your anal area to your vagina or urethra. Now pulling an Inception, we're going to go another layer deeper: spread your inner labia. Try using one hand and an upside down "Spock sign" motion to spread the inner labia if you're down to one hand because you're holding the mirror in the other. Here's an example from GoneWild NSFW. I probably could've found a better picture, but I knew there'd be an example there. At the top where your two inner labia meet, is where your clitoris is. Depending on your arousal level at the time, it may be retracted under your clitoral hood. It swells and will stick out more when aroused. Some clits are smaller, some clits are larger, no matter how big or small it is, it's fine and healthy, just like your labia; and again, don't let anybody tell you something's wrong with you because your clit is bigger or smaller than some subjective measure that doesn't actually mean anything. Trace your eyes down and your urethra will be there somewhere, but you can easily miss it. If you come to a larger opening and then the texture of the skin becomes more "skin like", that's fine. The urethral opening can be really hard to find, but that's where you pee from. The larger hole is your vagina (also called the birth canal), with your labia spread, it should probably be open to a slight degree. This is where you insert things like fingers, tampons, penises, sex toys. This is also where the baby comes out of during a vaginal birth. Around the opening is where you may have a hymen to some degree (go to the youtube channel for Laci Greene and look for her hymen video for a much better explanation than I can give right now). Then down past that you get to your anus/asshole, and that's where you poop out of. You can also get sexual pleasure from there too, but let's save that for another day, shall we? So that's the quick and dirty of external female anatomy. Questions, comments, concerns?

Your urges and desires are natural, almost everyone has them to some degree. Try not to panic too much or feel too bad about them, but some days will be easier than others and some tasks/topics/etc will be harder to get through than others. But try to not beat yourself up too much about them, ok?

You've just discovered a way to make yourself feel ridiculously good, try not to get too fixated on it. You don't need to try all the things right now.

There's not really a "wrong" way to explore your body, for the most part. If you're wanting to orgasm and you're trying to by rubbing the back of your hand, I can almost guarantee that you're not going to get there that way. But if it feels good, go for it. Don't worry about what position is "normal" to masturbate in, try on your belly, back, side; left hand or right; grind on your pillow or straddle the nose of a teddy bear. Try different things, but don't get too goal fixated besides learning different things that feel good.

Sex positive: Briefly, the philosphy

Books: If you had to only restrict yourself to one thing, I'd be partial to I Love Female Orgasm, but Betty Dodson would be a close second, but I don't have her book.

I Love Female Orgasm I really like this one, it covers a lot of things, especially for first timers.

Betty Dodson

Guide to Getting It On Very extensive, covers all different things of sex, not really what you're looking for now, but just for future reference too.


InterWebs:

Scarleteen And their article "Is Masturbation ok? (Yep.)" might specifically help you out

Laci Greene Has a lot of good info and good topics. Her energy and editing style is kind of grating to me, but I get through

Sexplanations Dr. Lindsey Doe teaches and is a clinical sexologist.

/r/Sex Faq's Lot of good general information, some of the "First Time" information would be good for you too, probably.

Charlie Glickman Awesome guy

Carol Queen's recommended reading

Podcasts:

Sex is Fun podcasts Very expansive and a lot of "deviant" sexual behaviors talked about, might be more than you're looking for, but also something that might be a good reference for later. But there is a lot of talk about female pleasure and masturbation.

Sex Nerd Sandra And if you still consider yourself religious, here's Sandra's interview with Rev Bev who's got a different take on some of the religious issues. Like citing that the sin of Onan wasn't masturbation but disobeying God by pulling out (Coitus interruptus, not masturbation).

Sex with Emily a lot of information about a wide range of topics, look through it, a lot of talks about female pleasure and sex toys.

I have it on good authority that Sex For One by Betty Dodson is an excellent source: http://www.amazon.com/Sex-One-The-Joy-Selfloving/dp/0517886073/ref=pd_sim_b_1

Buy her a book called Sex for one by Betty Dodson. It is the only book I can honestly say is a LIFE CHANGER. The woman is a self-confidence Goddess.

I have my copy but I've had to re-buy it so many times from loaning it out and not getting it back ;)

I haven't actually read this book, but I read her very first book (well it was a self-published thing, Liberating Masturbation) and it was my first real education on the subject. Leading to a lifetime of good times I might add.

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-One-The-Joy-Selfloving/dp/0517886073

Betty Dodson.

Toys are great! and just doing whatever feels good is really great too. I highly recommend toys, I adore vibrators and always have. I recommend the Good Vibrations website for basic info on toys and vibrators.

I think orgasms vary a lot. Also, in my case, they have transformed and changed and developed a lot over the course of my life. I have like five different kinds now. So I'm pretty sure there's no right way.

Also, if you are feeling like you need to pee, grab a towel and let yourself. You may be needing to ejaculate, and if you hold that back it can kind of stop things from working the way they want to. Just give yourself permission to pee, don't worry about it.

Sometimes making masturbation goal oriented can make things more difficult. Experiment with different tools and techniques and try not to put too much pressure on yourself to orgasm. The magic wand can offer very intense stimulation and focuses on the clit. You may want a to try a variety of sex toys to see what you like.

Check out this guide which should help in selecting the sex toy right for you, or for more in depth information on sex toys you can also check out Good Vibrations. Hope this helps!

If you really want to study, you might also enjoy reading Betty Dodson's book, Sex for One.


San Francisco Sex Information (SFSI) provides free, confidential, accurate, non-judgmental information about sex and reproductive health. You can reach us by e-mail ([email protected]) or by phone (415-989-SFSI).

There are books. Maybe you could send her one?

I know this will sound like a "stock" answer, but if you have access to it I really can't recommend therapy enough. The trauma of leaving behind an entity like TSCC is real, deep, and lasting. A therapist, especially one who specializes in issues like faith transitions and sexuality, will be able to help guide you personally toward meeting your own goals.

You might check out /r/SexPositive and try searching or posting or even just subscribing there.

Now, admittedly, for the rest of this I just went down a Google rabbit hole for a bit so I can't say that I know for sure these are solid, but they may be good starting places.

God, Sex and Women of the Bible by Shoni Labowitz may be a good starting place because it returns to the material that was likely used in part to originally teach you these unhealthy attitudes and recasts them in a much more sex positive light.

Because it Feels Good by Debby Herbenick is a simple guide to a huge range of the questions someone who was never taught anything about sex may have. This might help because if you demystify it then it can become less of a boogeyman and more of a bodily function (which it is).

The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti is an academic approach, but basically it looks at the ways culture as a whole has fetishized virginity and caused a lot of women to struggle with their sexuality. So if it would help you to "pull back the curtain" so to speak to look at HOW all this negativity has been drilled into you, it might help.

Similarly, Sacred Pleasure: Sex, Myth, and the Politics of the Body by Riane Eisler takes a historical perspective on the issue, examining the ways in which female sexuality (and sex in general) has been used as a tool to oppress women - and what we can do about that now.

Some people find that starting with themselves can help, so if you think that may be easier than trying to approached partnered sex, Sex for One by Betty Dodson is a tried and true resource for awesome self-love (masturbation) sessions.

Also - for me the thing that has worked the most is surrounding myself with people who have helped me to slowly change over time. Loving partners who are willing to go slow (or go backwards) as well as friends who are willing to talk things out have been indispensable. If you ever need a friend, just PM me. I'm no expert, but I'm happy to listen. :-)

Sex For One

I've been married for 18 years.