Reddit reviews The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation

This seems to be a fairly dysfunctional social interaction tbh. I can understand why you are frustrated. EVERYONE is involved and really the only people who should be involved in this are you and your neice. You are dealing with not only one, but TWO middle men. I would refuse to discuss it with either your mom or sister until you speak to your niece. They are getting all worked up when nobody even knows what you did that was so offense.

Next week you should sit your neice down, one-on-one, and apologize if you have offended her, but firmly set a boundary that if she is upset she should come to you immediately before she speaks to anyone else. Say something about how it just gets everyone upset when it might just be a simple misunderstanding. If she is high maintenance and refuses to do what you request, then I would just not worry about it too much and maybe try to limit social interaction with her.

Obviously I am only looking at a snapshot of your situation, but would you say your family is fairly codependent? If so there is a great book you should read that would probably help you, even with your depression.
https://www.amazon.com/New-Codependency-Guidance-Todays-Generation-ebook/dp/B001NLL7SO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1526487485&sr=8-1&keywords=the+new+codependency+by+melody+beattie

My last relationship was not too unlike what you're describing - we were only dating and didn't have children, but a number of eerily similar patterns developed. This is my story:

When we first started dating, everything was awesome. We got along very well and saw eye-to-eye on many topics. But things started to degrade after we moved in together our second year together.

I, too, walked on eggshells around her. There were a number of times that she expected me to know what she wanted, apparently by reading her mind. She said she valued communication, but anytime I told her something she didn't want to hear, she would turn it around on me and somehow make it my fault. I would avoid confronting her about various behaviors that hurt me because I knew the ensuing argument would go nowhere, until we reached a critical mass and everything came out anyway. Things would be okay for a little while, but it wasn't long until the pattern repeated itself.

The way that I came to realize that she was abusive was by going to a therapist for depression and anxiety. In the process of talking with my therapist and reading some recommended books, I realized that she was abusive. A strange thing happened when I came to that realization - I felt relief. I knew that I couldn't make her happy, and that was through no fault of my own. I saw that there was light at the end of the tunnel, and that light wasn't a train coming to mow me down.

The five stages of grief can apply to anything that involves loss. They don't have to happen in order, and stages can be revisited. Loss can include the loss of the honeymoon phase, where everything seemed so wonderful. After our relationship had ended, I realized that I had spent about two of our three years together in the denial phase, with a smattering of guilty anger, bargaining, and a lot of depression.

One of the big flags to me towards the end of our relationship that something was wrong was that when she wasn't around, I'd feel like I needed to end our relationship, and that nothing good would come from us staying together, but when she was within arms' reach that everything felt like it was going to be okay and we could work things out. This duality shows that something isn't right - there are conflicting feelings at play about the same person depending on their proximity.

Now to address things that you brought up specifically:

An 8/10 matchup on the site you listed is pretty high. One of the major traits in a narcissist is manipulation. They behave in certain ways to get their desired response out of those around them. Silent treatment is manipulation - it hangs blame over your head, and tries to force you to interact with her. Threatening separation is manipulation - it tries to guilt you into staying in the relationship and that things can be worked out, keeping you within the reaches of the manipulator.

See also the asymmetric standard for handling issues - if she brings up an old issue with you, you're expected to be held responsible for it, but if you do the same to her, she dismisses it. This happened to me too. This is not how a healthy relationship should function.

We also had the work issue when we broke up. She had only worked on and off the last two years of our relationship, with nothing long-term lined up. Towards the end of our relationship, we had agreed to get separate apartments because we realized that she had become heavily financially dependent on me. She has, as far as I know, managed to support herself. It may seem cruel, but it is not your responsibility to ensure her well being should you decide to separate. I did more than I intended to by getting roped into helping her move out, and that was plenty.

As for finding out whether you are misdiagnosing the issue, there's not really a way to be sure. I'm not a therapist; I can't say for certain that she does or does not have NPD. The only thing you can do is gather evidence to convince yourself beyond the shadow of a doubt in either direction. You could go my route - go to a therapist that specializes in depression and anxiety and has some knowledge of working with couples and troubled relationships to get a professional opinion. Ultimately though, the decision is up to you.

Here are some resources that I used that you may find useful:

• Parish Miller's Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers: While the title suggests that it's for mothers, it is easily generalized for narcissists of all providences. For instance, of the 24 traits listed, I was able to come up with many specific examples of her own behavior that embody 18 of those traits.
  
• You will start the golden child and become the scapegoat (can't link this because of subreddit rules): This is the top post in this sub, and describes how a relationship that started off pleasant can descend into a painful and manipulative one.
  
• Wikipedia page on emotional blackmail: This may not be as big of a factor for your relationship based on what you've shared, but this is the process of slowly getting you to do things in the relationship by foisting Fear onto you, forcing Obligations onto you, and Guilting you into doing what they want.
  
• Wikipedia page on psychological abuse: This is worth a read through. Keep in mind that not everything applies, but a lot of it may sound familiar.
  
• Wikipedia page on double binds: This is when someone openly make conflicting requirements that cannot be clarified. This sounds like what happened at the hibachi place - she said that she didn't want to change seats, but then blew up at you afterwards when you didn't, even though she perpetuated the situation herself. You couldn't know that's what she wanted because she didn't tell you, yet held you to an unspoken standard and used it against you.
  
• The Boundaries book: This was the book that made me realize that we were absolutely in an unhealthy relationship. I found out that this helped my aunt out of an abusive relationship, and after telling my therapist about it, she recommended it to at least another five people/couples and said that it's been eye opening for all of them. The book itself is sprinkled with Christian biblical references, but if that bothers you I hear that there's a secular version out there as well. One of the main things that sticks with me is this table, titled the Summary of Boundary Problems:
  
  | | CAN'T SAY | CAN'T HEAR |
  |---|---|---|
  | NO | The Compliant: Feels guilty and/or controlled by others; can't set boundaries | The Controller: Aggressively or manipulatively violates the boundaries of others |
  | YES | The Nonresponsive: Sets boundaries against responsibility to love | The Avoidant: Sets boundaries against receiving care of others |
  In my case, our relationship was between a compliant (me) and a controller (her).
  
  These other resources may not be as useful for you, as they're about codependent relationships, which are a whole other can of worms we were dealing with, but I list them here for completeness:
  
  
• Codependent No More: This is the popular go to book about codependency; where one or both people in a relationship become caretakers to the point of being destructive.
  
• The New Codependency: This is a followup by the same author many years later. It is very apparent that she has a much better handle on her codependency and general coping methods in this book, whereas the first book reads more as an exploration in what codependency is. If you decide to read only one of these two, this is the one I recommend.
  
  Finally, I'll offer one piece of advice while you mull things over. Write things down somewhere. This should help you organize your thoughts and lay everything out before you to make a decision on how to move forward, whether that's with or without your partner. I have over five pages of notes from the above websites alone, and probably several pages worth of highlights in those books on my kindle. Putting pen to paper also helps you realize the magnitude of various behaviors since we, being human, can only hold so much in our heads at once. This can have the effect of minimizing things or blowing them out of proportion, so it helps to have something concrete in front of you.
  
  I don't mean for this to come off as a "delete Facebook, hit the gym, and lawyer up" response. I'm just trying to give you the tools to make your own decisions, and it's colored by my own experiences. Take it with a grain of salt, and forge your own path, whether or not that winds up being similar to mine. I wish you the best.