Reddit reviews The Psychology Behind The Cuckold Fetish: How It's Caused, What It Means About You, And How To Change
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Hey, I study fetishism full-time, recently published a book about the psychology behind the cuckold fetish (and how to change), and run a website with the same aim. A lot of what you're saying is true, and I thought I'd elaborate and hopefully help someone in need of this.
>I believe that starts with self hatred and inadequacy
Yes. The cuckold fetish forms as a way to eroticize deep-rooted fears of inadequacy. By creating a scenario where you are made to feel as inadequate as possible, the brain turns this pain into pleasure as a masochistic defense mechanism. It forms around bad feelings about yourself; fears of not being good enough, and fears of infidelity.
>I strongly belive that our culture's obsession with pornography has artificially increased the popularity of these genres.
Porn addiction and the cuckold fetish share a root cause - bad feelings about yourself. That's actually the root cause of most addictions. Porn becomes a way to escape from those feelings, or to 'release' them - indulge in fleeting pleasure at the expense of the long term.
They're also both ways to deal with unmet needs, for acceptance, love, belonging, and more.
>The male instigator of the fetish is often hurt too! I couldn't count how many times I saw someone say "I think I made a massive mistake". It turns out this bizarre fetish, when actualised, made them feel absolutely awful.
YES! This is the most heartbreaking thing. I get emails like this and often hear from women who are looking for a solution for their husbands fetish. The fears and emotional pain that the cuckold fetish eroticizes is the idea that their girlfriend/wife secretly wants to have sex with someone else; that they're secretly very promiscuous and longing for a bigger, better man.
These fears and feelings are also created by porn. Porn can change your world view, to see women as sex objects, not as people but as things that other men have had sex with and will have sex with, and generally to focus on everything sexual at the expense of everything else. As I noted in a blog post: An evaluation of the effects of porn found that: “Changes include diminished trust in intimate partners, the abandonment of hopes for sexual exclusivity with partners, [and] evaluation of promiscuity as the natural state... Cynical attitudes about love emerge.”
These cynical attitudes are the pain that the fetish eroticizes. Porn creates the fuel for the fire.
In these ways, porn can contribute to the cause of the cuckold fetish. But, it doesn't directly cause a cuckold fetish - that's still caused by subconscious fears/feelings of inadequacy. Stopping watching porn also doesn't change the fetish, which is a common myth i see - it just re-sensitises you to 'normal', more softcore things.