Reddit reviews The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming A Stepmother With Humor And Grace

1. counseling is absolutely an option. Just because you guys don’t have a certificate doesn’t mean you’re not eligible
   
   
2. you need to talk with your partner about boundaries. I read the book “the single girls guide to marrying a guy, his kids and his ex-wife”. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0451214196/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_9dxVDb13R6NA4
   
   You being an instant mom isn’t necessarily part of the package when you date or marry a guy with kids. The kids are HIS baggage, not yours. My fiancé would NEVER get upset with me for going out and getting drinks. In fact, he encourages it! He is a capable father and doesn’t need me to run his family.
   
   If your man can’t be a father, it’s HIS job to figure out how to do it, not to rope a girlfriend in to do it for him.
   
   
3. it’s never too late to leave a relationship. If the only reason you’re staying with someone is because it’s easier than leaving, that’s a BIG red flag. You are still young and you deserve a life that you’re excited about living

The first thing I recommend is reading up on stepparenting. Single Girl's Guide is a pretty good book for single gals with no kids, and Stepmotherhood and Stepmonster are both really great overviews of many common issues you might run into. I absolutely believe that reading these earlier rather than later can be a huge benefit, even if you're not technically a stepparent yet.

Blended families are challenging even when everyone gets along, but they can be rewarding too. Remember this is a long haul situation, and it can take years to work out all the kinks. You're coming in while the kids are young, which I think would make things easier.

General advice: don't parent your stepkids more than your boyfriend does. It's tempting to step in and provide discipline and rules and structure. I say don't bother, especially if the kids are only there a couple days a week. Accept that you're the Disneyland Dad house, make the most of it and know that your world will be total chaos while they're with you and will go back to normal when they're back at mom's. Also, if you run into problems, your partner needs to have your back and present a united front to the kids. That's crucial.

As for the difficult bio mom-- I recommend being respectful, but other than that don't worry about trying to get on her good side. If her mind's made up to hate you, you can't change that and you'll only make yourself crazy trying. Set clear boundaries on your family time together if she's intrusive (no phone calls during dinner, for example), and let it go otherwise.

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Link: The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man & His Kids

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Well my first step was to read a whole bunch of psychology papers from academic journals. Because of academic publishing I can't post those, and since I am not at my work computer, I don't have the titles handy.

For books, I started with the 5 Love Languages, Military Edition because my guy actually talked about it with me and it cracked me the heck up that this big strong man was throwing out terms like "words of affirmation" and "acts of service." It was a good read regardless.

I also read:

• Courage After Fire Which is coping strategies for challenges
  
  
• The Dance of Anger because I tend to respond to with anger and that is not conducive
  
  
• Single Girls Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids and His Ex Wife because the week he was deployed was the week before I was flying across the country to meet his youngest.
  
  I also went through a few traumatic events when I was 18 (raped, mugged at gunpoint, and domestic abuse in three months) and had some PTSD. So while our experiences are not similar, I have been in counseling and reading about PTSD for about 12 years. Between that and yoga teacher training (which includes a lot of eastern philosophy reading) I have an ok handle on the whole touchy feely thing. I just didn't have the military specifics.
  
  EDIT I just remembered to warn you to take this all with caution. I can be a good woman. I can be understanding and supportive and kind and in love, but I can't fix him or make him love me if he doesn't want to. If he needs to be alone, he needs to be alone and all I can do is accept that, offer my kindness when he wants it and treat myself well in the meantime. I can try to send presents and remind him that even if he says he is the only guy "without a family" that he isn't unloved. Treat yourself well too!

I came here to cautiously recommend therapy. My recommendation caused strain on our relationship. It turns out guys don't want you to send constant emails about every therapist within 20 miles who sees kids... If they go to therapy and you're privy to the info, read up on the diagnosis to see how you can help them thrive! I'd also spend less time parenting and more time reading up on step/parenting. Terrible twos often bleed into the threes. Reading was incredibly therapeutic for me.

Stepmonster - popular here, I'm a fan
Single Girl's Guide - never read, well reviewed
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen
The Whole-Brain Child
Subtle Art - best book ever

Jealousy wasn't too much of an issue for me, because I knew he didn't want to be with her. My thinking is, if he wanted to be with her, then he'd still be there. But he's with me instead. It didn't matter what she said to him, it mattered where he was and who he was with. If he tells you he wants to be with you - believe him.

You may want to do some reading on being a stepmom. I know you aren't technically one yet, but you're dealing with a lot of the same issues. I think this book will speak most directly to your situation. It helped me a lot in the earlier days of our relationship.

Also, there are some web boards that are for stepmoms. The one I like best (because I don't have biological children of my own) is Childless Stepmoms. It's specifically for women without biokids who are married to/in relationships with men with children. You'll find everyone from long-term veterans and petrified newbies there. It may help you to see other women who are dealing with similar issues.