We found 29 Reddit comments about Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
This is a great question!
The most important part of this is the idea of "okay to ask for help".
The truth is, this has more to do with who you're asking than it has to do with you.
ADHD is difficult to come to terms with because its effects are so hard to pinpoint; they're mixed in with all of the other confounding factors that make life a struggle for everybody.
This is unfortunate because you can never completely blame ADHD for anything--there's always the possibility that you could "just try harder" to make The Thing happen.
On the other hand... no one can ever completely blame you, either! Because there's always the possibility that your executive faculties are just not running at full capacity, and absolutely nothing you do will make The Thing happen on a faster timeline.
So, how do you manage this balance? What do you do when there's never a straight answer?
In short: you have to learn the boundaries of each person in your life, how much they're willing to help (whether "help" means "listening to me bitch and moan" or "coming over to help me stay focused"), and whether they feel like you're leaning on them too hard.
You have to learn to have those awkward uncomfortable conversations where you put your emotions on the line intentionally, because it's actually safer to do it this way than wait until people blow up on you and say "UGH, JUST TRY HARDER!"
I say a lot of things like:
> I feel like I've been bugging you a lot lately. I just want you to know that if you ever need some space, you can just say "Hey, my plate is full--think you'll be OK without me on this one?"
> Yo, is it cool if I vent about my productivity a sec? (afterward) Phew, all right. I feel a little better, thanks. How are you?
> I really appreciate how much you've been willing to help me out with my struggles lately. Is there anything I can do to help you out in return?
> Hey, I'm really sorry I went MIA yesterday. I should have let you know I was having an off day. Are we cool?
If you're looking for reading material, I suggest:
A starting point that worked for me was picking up a copy of Anger from the local library, reading through it and kind of thinking about it one chapter at a time. Alternatively, a lot of the advice is somewhat similar to what can be found in the Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. And in the end both of them boil down to essentially the same message as the OP; being angry at someone hurts you and not them, everyone makes mistakes, sometimes grave ones, and dwelling on them accomplishes nothing except to increase and spread your pain. People who hurt you often do so because they are acting out their own pain and anger in some way, and doing the same only repeats the cycle pointlessly. That doesn't mean you have to forgive them (although it's nice if you can find your way to that); it's more about giving you tools to move on with your life and leave your anger behind. I think Anger presented the ideas in a way best arranged to provoke reflection and adjustment of my outlook (which makes sense, since it was written by a Buddhist monk). In the most general sense, the way to make use of these tools is by reflecting on them and consciously choosing to put them into action. And it doesn't happen all at once - I still struggle sometimes when I am reminded of the things that I used to be angry about, but now I have the tools to get on with my life and not let dwelling on those things consume me or lead me to behavior that I will regret later.
If you don’t have any serious trauma driving this, I found this book helpful.
Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames https://www.amazon.com/dp/1573229377/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_WyD2BbP60W1DX
I disagree with most of the people giving answers here, but I guess that's okay.
Your kids are always going to be in contact with people who don't agree with your points of view. Your job as a parent is to teach them how to navigate those waters in a healthy way. You might also want to check out a Jewish or black or Asian parenting subreddit--how do they teach their kids to deal with ignorant comments? I remember some Jewish friends just telling their kids something like, "Some people believe/do (this or that), but in our house, we believe (this or that). We still care about and love people, even if they do things differently than we do."
Your kids are old enough to understand that they can love Grandpa even though he believes stuff that your family doesn't believe. Encourage them to come to you if Grandma or Grandpa ever say or do anything that confuses them or they don't understand. (oops, just read your already did that--bravo)
Sit down and ask yourself, "why does it bug you so much that your Dad made that comment?" Since I am also coming from a fundamentalist Christian background, I would guess it is
His book on anger was a Godsend when I was going through a tough time professionally. I would highly recommend it to anyone who is frustrated with a situation that they cannot change. Thank you for the positive feedback!
Nhat (one of the great modern Buddhist authors) wrote a book specifically on this topic. I recommend it.
Two year olds at bedtime are such a challenge - I can't imagine the stress of having 2. My son is 2 also and we just brought home his baby sister so everything is even more difficult because he's adjusting.
It sounds like you are well aware that this yelling/ anger thing is an ongoing issue you have struggled with. If at all possible I would take time to work on this yourself because you are in for a rough couple of years. I'm sure other aspects of your life would improve if you were to get your anger under control.
I used to be a very angry person. A lot of it was situational - I made a lot of changes to my life to make sure my emotional needs are being met, some of it was baggage from a traumatic childhood and other parts are just temperamental - I'm a sensitive person. I'm still not perfect but I'm a lot better and haven't yelled at my son unless he was at risk of hurting himself and I needed to catch his attention. Things that worked for me were therapy and mindfulness meditation.
With therapy, I'd find a therapist you click with who can help you improve your behavior right away - more of a cognitive behavioral approach - vs. old fashioned talk therapy where you deeply explore your issues. Once you get tools for dealing with your anger, a more in depth approach may help, but for now I'd focus on the short term. I found the mindfulness approaches outlined in the book Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames by zen peace monk Thich Nhat Hanh to be very helpful for helping me stay more calm in situations that might otherwise escalate to anger.
I use positive parenting approaches with my son that focus on teaching how to behave and manage emotions without punishing behavior. It has been very effective for us - my son is very well behaved (for a toddler!), is incredibly polite, and has a good starting grasp of understanding his emotions and empathy. I like this approach to parenting for me too because it avoids escalations and keeps me calm.
When things start to spiral I tell my son mama is going to take a few deep breaths and encourage him to join me. It helps both of us to calm down and de-escalate. It is a way of showing him that mama has emotions but uses tools to manage them without losing control. I started introducing the breathing at about 19 months and now at 24 months I can sometimes get him to take a few breaths when he is out of control. This returning to the breath thing comes from that Anger book and is a cornerstone of mindfulness.
In the short term, I would definitely apologize and spend extra quality time with your son to reinforce your connection. Also, even though it seems like your son is freaking out about nothing, to him, going to bed is a big deal. As a 2 year old he is starting to want more autonomy and control and being forced to wrap up the fun and be subject to bedtime routine (changing, brushing teeth, etc.) and forced to go to bed is really upsetting. With my son we give him a minute's notice before we start bedtime routine. If he isn't cooperating we count to three and pick him up playfully.
Good luck! If you really use this experience to make changes this could go from one of your lowest points to a catalyst for making the rest of your life better. It is possible to change.
Well, it's subjective as to what is 'good' but one book that I've found helpful is this one by Thich Nhat Hanh: Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames
These were along the same line as my thoughts. Especially with such a strong feeling as anger, and such a strong version of this strong feeling, I'm not sure that can ever be entirely "let go".
I would second any of Jon Kaba-Zinn's works. I would also recommend Thich Nhat Hanh's Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames.
I have found with the most potent and persistent of the feelings I'd rather not be having, I cannot just leave that feeling (high and mighty meditation masters: say what you will. I'm a human, not a master). That's part of why it is so potent and distressing; these feelings can fester and we can't "just let go" of them. I've had the most luck by:
-"paying attention on purpose in the present moment, non-judgmentally" (Kabat-Zinn)
-not trying to get rid of the feeling, but to put my energy into not reacting to it.
-Welcoming the feeling. Being kind and compassionate to it "Hello, anger, my old friend. Here you are again with me."
A quote that has spoke to me previously:
>This being human is a guest house.
>Every morning a new arrival,
>a joy, a depression, a meanness,
>as an unexpected visitor.
>Welcome and entertain them all!
Tl;dr: I've never had luck "just letting go" of the most severe feelings I have. I try to be present with the feeling without reacting, focus on my breaths, and it does eventually leave.
I am a big fan of Thich Nhat Hanh, he has a book I am working through now, called Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames. It's taking a mindfulness/meditation approach to anger. That takes work, but I've found it helpful. https://www.amazon.com/Anger-Cooling-Thich-Nhat-Hanh/dp/1573229377
In addition to some of the other things people have suggested, I recommend sitting down with your daughter and explaining to her that you grew up in a house where you were yelled at and belittled. Talk to her about how it made you feel. Then explain that you realize you are doing the same thing to her, and that you will be doing some things to fix it.
If you are the type to read up on things, I have two suggestions: "Anger" by Thich Nhat Hanh, and "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk"
From this ?
Have you used meditation for your own anger? I know of books like Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames.
The problem with "you should meditate" as a solution is that it doesn't directly address the anger quickly enough. Anger needs direct attention and focused techniques, both for in the moment and after an episode.
It takes a long time to learn how to apply meditation and mindfulness in the right way. I've personally witnessed meditation teachers with years under their belts have an anger meltdown, only because they've never actually focused on the anger itself as a problem worthy of attention. So I think it can become a distraction.
We just want to proceed with caution recommending it as a solution unless we have an explicit source to go by and steps to use.
Thich Nhat Hanh has a book entitled Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames.
But I'd recommend you also go beyond books, and visit a dharma center near you.
Anger is considered a poison in Buddhism, however it's a perfectly natural thing as well. If we didn't have anger, we would not as hard to survive and live when threatened and many other things. Was your feeling anger ok? I think so, your one year old and you do not deserve that, however nor did the whole building. So feeling anger that you were roused is a natural response. Good practice however can make even the initial response very slight or eliminate it.
Now I wouldn't say that anger or getting annoyed or whatever is the issue, the issue is hanging onto it. Your reflection on the fact a fire didn't place, you are safe, you even have the fire department there, are all valuable insights and these can be used to help you pacify your anger.
Good meditation and returning to your breath can help you. For instance if you feel your anger getting too much return to your breath and follow it. Maybe just 3 ins and outs, that may work, if it's longer do it longer. The issue is not that you get anger it's just that you have cultivated it to a degree that when it comes up it just needs a little bit of cause to feel the effect and it comes up fast. In Karmic terms you've become very skillful at manifesting this behavior and very likely to do it. I would recommend reading this book it is a very good one on Anger:
Additionally reflecting on the draw backs is important. Mainly I would see who is this anger effecting. When you realize that you are the one who is constantly being worked up and feeling negative, this can really help at least be able to say "this isn't good, I should stop it", which is a good first step.
Also cultivating metta is important and directly offsets ill will. You may want to try this meditation daily or practice it day to day in some way. Another good practice is gratitude, as you did. But doing it as a reflex. That is thinking of all the positives and not the negatives. Sure you are outside in the cold, but if it had been a fire, you could be in far worse shape, you can do this with any situation, really once you karmically build up the habit.
As someone with my own problems with CONSTANT LOWGRADE ANGER with occasional OUTBURSTS OF RAGE, I can't recommend Thich Nhat Hahn highly enough. He taught me how to slow down, breathe, and "take care" of my anger with love and understanding. Probably saved my relationship.
I still struggle with anger issues to this day. What helped me was the book Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames by Thich Nhat Hanh (a Buddhist monk from Vietnam).
Did you read the article by Thich Nhat Hanh on embracing anger? He has a whole book on the subject.
Better than book teaching is real live teaching, and lots of it, from a consistent and capable source. But sometimes we look for a go-between, something to tide us over until we find a good teaching situation.
There is a specific traditional practice for equanimity. All kinds of other practices tend to get at equanimity, because you need to put it into effect just to proceed in the practice: if you let things 'get to you' you can't attend well to the object and method of the meditation. So for example, sitting Zen will train equanimity, as well many other practices.
But there is a specific practice also, which is part of the Brahmaviharas, or "Divine Abidings". These are four aspects of original, awakened mind: Metta (Kindness or Warmheartedness), Karuna (Compassion), Mudita (Mutual Joy), and Upekkha (Equanimity). Because of the boundless nature of original mind and the four noted aspects, these are also called "The Four Immeasurables".
The first three Brahmaviharas are about loving connection; but without the fourth, equanimity, they can spill over into sticky, entangled attachment. So Upekkha or equanimity is necessary for the correct function of love.
All the Brahmavihara practices have similar forms. You generate the quality, deepen its expression in you, and then extend it boundlessly. Styles vary a bit, but the general form is the same. You can try Brahmavihara practice to specifically nurture equanimity.
But as I say, most practices, and in fact a proper training situation itself, will also train equanimity.
Here is a talk and guided meditation on Upekkha.
This podcast comprises an entire afternoon or day retreat on Upekkha, condensed into a 3-hour recording (with silent practice periods edited out).
These two and several other Brahmavihara talks and meditations can be found on this page at Dharmaseed.org.
Here's an entire 2-day practice seminar on Upekkha, by the well respected teacher Gil Fronsdal.
Here's a short article with a couple of source excerpts.
Two great teachers who come to mind as directly addressing anger in their teachings are Thich Nhat Hanh and Pema Chodron.
Of course, there are many other great teachers; and if you find a live teacher and ask them to help you with anger, just the act of asking a living representative of Dharma is itself a very significant act. You establish a connection to Dharma and to your teacher and to your practice by taking concrete steps like this. It is the kind of action that sink down below the level of your habit and plants seeds that will eventually overtake the negative patterns, if you keep planting and taking care of the seeds.
See Thich Nhat Hanh's Anger: Wisdom For Cooling The Flames.
Here are a couple of articles in the same vein.
See Pema Chodron's Don't Bite The Hook: Finding Freedom From Anger, Resentment, And Other Destructive Emotions.
Here's an article that gives a little taste of her teaching.
I recommend choosing one path and sticking with it for a while. You can try this and that to get an idea of what's available out there, but very soon get down to actually doing it. People look around, around, around, and only confuse themselves. They think they are looking for the "best situation for me"; but really they are just avoiding the doing part.
You don't pick your path as if you're at a fruit stand looking over the selection with disdain: "Hmmm... I don't know... this one has a spot on it...." That's picking-and-choosing mind; and in fact, we are not capable of judging before we have significant experience.
Your path chooses you. Your path unfolds as you do it. Then in the doing you find out what's working and what's important to you and all that. So get to the doing part sooner rather than later. Don't 'bite the hook' of books! Don't let them hook you and reel you in and flip you into the boat of conceptual, disengaged thinking. Stay swimming.
Perhaps a bit of mindfulness practice/meditation may help in this instance. I have found that practicing mindfulness has helped greatly with my anger/irritability.
The easiest way to get started would be a simple google search on 'mindfulness meditation.' I would also recommend Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh as well as The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. The later text can be torrented ;)
I do not sit down and meditate regularly, but I have found simply practicing awareness and focusing on the breath during times of anger/irritability has helped to lessen the effect. Good luck mate
Although it's not exactly what you asked for, you might like this article or even this book.
I am on the other side of this. My spouse of 20+ years found out 2 months ago that I was having an affair and we are still in a holding pattern. But absolutely get counseling for yourself, even if he won't go. I also recommend reading Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames https://www.amazon.com/dp/1573229377/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_CLbLDb9F60XKY No one can disarm anger better than a wise Buddhist monk. Peace.
Thich Nhat Hanh wrote a beautiful book on anger, and here is a free translation of a speech he gave titled "Five ways of putting an end to anger". The Buddha has a wonderful quote: "Grasping onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone else - you are the one who gets burned." Hope this helps!
That's going to help tremendously. If you're interested in Buddhism in general and want a great teacher (albeit one who is obviously Asian so doesn't always understand or incorporate a Western perspective on some things, that's normal): Thich Nhat Hanh. His books are fairly short, on specific topics. One of them deals with this emotion:
Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames (warning, obviously an Amazon link, this book is of course available in libraries)
Oh man, I could recommend so many.
Kung Fu and Taoism:
The Making of a Butterfly is one of my favorite books. It is about a white kid who starts learning Kung Fu out of a Chinese master's basement back in the 70s, well before Kung Fu was popularized in the West.
Chronicles of Tao by Deng Ming Dao is excellent, a narrative perspective of how Taoism intertwines with the life of a Kung Fu practitioner.
American Shaolin by Matthew Polly is an entertaining and illuminating story that disseminates a lot of the mysticism surrounding the Shaolin Temple.
The Crocodile and the Crane is a fun fictional book that is basically about Tai Chi saving the world from a zombie apocalypse.
My next goal is to tackle The Romance of the Three Kingdoms.
Of course, I highly recommend the Tao Te Ching and the Art of War as well.
Buddhism: I highly recommend anything Thich Nhat Hanh. Anger and Peace is Every Step are two of my favorites.
Karate and Japanese Arts:
Moving Toward Stillness by Dave Lowry is one of my favorite books, taken from his columns in Black Belt Magazine over the years. A really excellent study on Japanese arts and philosophy.
Miyamoto Musashi: His Life and Writings by Kenji Tokitsu is wonderful. It includes the Book of Five Rings as well as some of Musashi's other works, including many of his paintings.
The 47 Ronin, by John Allyn, a dramatization of the Genroku Ako Incident, is still quite poignant in 2016.
Sorry to hear that. Narcissists are a massive pain in the ass, especially when you're related to them.
I haven't read this, but my SO I mentioned read this and said it helped a ton: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Also, to help yourself with any anger you have towards her (and anyone for that matter) I recommend Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh. Shit's enlightening.
Thich Nhat Hanh as a whole book on anger
Here is an article by him in Shambala Sun
Here is a talk by him with a transcript on the subject.
No, it doesn't depend on anything. Anger is anger. You have control over your actions at all times, and there's never an excuse for breaking anything. I recommend you read this book. It helped me: http://www.amazon.com/Anger-Cooling-Thich-Nhat-Hanh/dp/1573229377