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u/AnxietyArmadillo · 1 pointr/Advice

I know this might sound like a sarcastic response but: "No more mr. nice guy" Some of this advice was good and some was hopelessly out dated.

The important thing is that you must learn to pursue your own interests and be your own person, Respect women and try to understand their world experience and how it differs from yours, and do not make 'covert contracts' with women in your head. Example: 'If I'm nice to women, Women will want to hang around and eventually sleep with me.' One of the biggest hallmarks of the 'nice guy' is he's nice when he expects something in return for that niceness, and then becomes an asshole when that doesn't work out. Because that's not how people work. Attention from women isn't payment for being nice, and if you set yourself up with expectations like that You're going to be disappointed and frustrated, and that leads to asshole-ish behavior. Never take a woman's lack of interest in you personally. It's just how it is, and eventually you find women who will be into you if you just keep on being you.

After that, it's all just basic etiquette and learning social conventions. All relationships between people are proportional. Don't ever rush them because you like someone, basically don't be too nice. Don't insist on being allowed to be nice. Don't pay for girls stuff, don't insist on carrying their bags, Don't insist on fixing the squeaky door on your neighbors apartment down the hall. Insistently being nice comes off as creepy because women are keyed up to think you expect something in return, and if you're honest with yourself you probably are expecting something in return.

A whole generation of misguided moms trained a lot of young men that if they're 'nice' to girls they'll find a girlfriend. And that was terrible advice.

That's all assuming that the person who called you a 'nice guy' was serious and not just using it as a generic insult.

u/with_his_what_not · 4 pointsr/Advice

The feelings / behavior you're describing is classic introvert stuff.

There's a really common misconception that introverted means shy or socially awkward or anti-social, but it's really not that way at all. Introverts can be, and often are, more social than extroverts.. it's just that we're wired differently and will have more aptitude for socialising in different formats than todays popular customs.

There's loads of books which I'm sure you'd find invaluable, but /r/introvert is probably a better place to start.. the discussion there might be a little intense for the moment but I think you will find the sidebar full of useful interesting stuff.

Reading the book I linked above was a particularly enjoyable experience for me. It basically made me a lot more comfortable in my own skin.. I don't mean less anxious or whatever.. I just mean that I realised I'd kindof been taught that certain desires (like a desire for solitude) was somehow wrong, but after learning more about what it means to be an introvert I learned to embrace that part of myself. It was very rewarding.

u/Vintner42 · 2 pointsr/Advice

No problem! You are right, the book is more geared toward men, but it is still a good book for women to read. I believe you will still get some value out of it. Another book I have heard of, but haven't read yet, is "The disease to please". It is written by a psychologist who was noticing the people pleasing syndrome in both men and women. It may be a good resource for you as well.

Regardless, what I have learned is it is a process and not just a quick and easy fix. You have taken the first step by identifying what your feelings are and how you would like to correct them. I wish you luck on your journey!

u/sandra_nz · 1 pointr/Advice

Congratulations on the great progress you've made so far. My husband has struggled with similar problems and I know it isn't easy.

My husband got a lot of benefit from a book called The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome.

You might think at first glance that it's not the book for you, you might not even consider yourself to be a "people-pleaser", but a lot of people who have been bullied do become people-pleasers as a way of 'keeping the peace' or trying to prevent any unpleasantness from occurring/escalating. But you need to learn how to cope with unpleasant situations, and to learn that they don't have to ruin your whole day. The book has some really good tips for this.

And, it sounds so cliche, but it will get much better with time and practice.

The other thing to do is to become more observant of how others behave. Try to do your own mini-analysis, e.g. What did that guy do when he completely stuffed up and let the other side win? He laughed, said sorry to his team mates, and congratulated the other side. I probably would have been mortified and want to leave straight away, but he was able to laugh it off. I should try that next time.

u/BrianW1983 · 1 pointr/Advice

Can you talk to a free career counselor with your county government or a local community college that can help give you options?

You gotta relax and think long term. Your main job is to be a good Father and it sounds like your succeeding at that. That's huge!

For stress relief, instead of smoking weed, try meditation with the free "Insight Timer" meditation app.

For depression, go to your library and get the classic book "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns. It's a classic.

Good luck and keep me updated.

u/LuckyTheLurker · 1 pointr/Advice

Best all around relationship book IMO is likely:
John Gottman PHD, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Don't let the title fool you it is good for more than just marriages.

Also check out these authors:

  • David Schnarch - crucible approach
  • Midori - BDSM books mostly but if you're having difficulty with boundaries the BDSM consent model may be helpful.
  • Emily Nagoski - a lot on intimacy and desire as well as expressing your needs.
  • Gary Chapman - love languages, explains how different people communicate love for one another.

    If you PM me with more details I can suggest additional reading suggestions.
u/mclb223 · 24 pointsr/Advice

Please trust your gut feelings. If he gives you bad vibes, there's a chance your instincts are trying to tell you something.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is an amazing read that's all about this, following your instincts and listening to the messages your subconscious mind can send you. I highly recommend it, it can put your mind at ease in terms of how to evaluate your own feelings (it's VERY easy to develop a habit of diminishing our feelings by thinking we are overreacting--but we shouldn't do that to ourselves!).

u/Tall_for_a_Jockey · 3 pointsr/Advice

/r/socialskills + this book should help. To the extent that Social interaction is uncomfortable, /r/socialskills should help. But everybody has their limits in social settings, and there is nothing wrong with coming across as someone who lacks confidence. Instead of working with your girlfriend to change who she is, it would probably be helpful to accept and appreciate that most people--even those who are loud and proud--are not really good at communicating, and that the world has far too many good listeners.

u/dsmith1067 · 1 pointr/Advice

There's a book I recommend...

The Elements of Style by Strunk & White It's a very useful reference and probably a good place to start.

Cheers and good luck!

u/tallerThanYouAre · 1 pointr/Advice

Buy this book now. If you can't afford it, I will buy you a copy myself.

It's a leading and EFFECTIVE (and SIMPLE) process for stabilizing depressive issues and related symptoms. Supported by work at Stanford University and the University of Pennsylvania for over 30 years.

This can help. Please give it a try. Please.

Edit: changed url to newer version

u/Aqualion9 · 1 pointr/Advice

I have a cat that loves to play. Here are some of the things she has: da bird cat toy, circuit , a cat tree (armarkat), and some stuffed toys I made for her

Edit: For the circuit, you can make it as long as you want, and it doesn't have to be in a circle. Also, cats like boxes.

u/delicate_flower · 1 pointr/Advice

As lousy as things seem, your situation has the potential to be really positive.

1- Put all your affairs in order. Go through all your possessions, get rid of everything that's not essential, except for a few things with sentimental value. Living Will, Designation of Health Surrogate, Last Will and Testament, burial/cremation arrangements.

2- Examine your values. What's important to you? If tomorrow were your last day on earth, how would you spend it? If you had 1 month or 1 year, what would you hope to accomplish?

3- Explore and contemplate on the following:

u/Kara_S · 2 pointsr/Advice

Your question is, "what do I want to be?" then?

That is a life long quest. Most people have more than one career in their life times.

If you're not sure where your interests lie, you could try doing some personality / aptitude testing. Your school counselling office probably offers it.

One book I found helpful when I was at a cross-roads in terms of career paths was Do What You Are -- it helps you figure out what your Myers Briggs personality type is and then has examples of people in the different types who have different careers, how their career plays to their strengths, etc. It's probably in your library or it's on Amazon ( ) (I have no affiliate links).

The other book some people like for this is What Color is Your Parachute? but I haven't tried it myself. It's commonly available and probably at your local library or used book store.

u/Dave-Steel- · 1 pointr/Advice

This is a great book for finding work that would go well with your personality type. Most libraries would have it.

u/5ummerbreeze · 1 pointr/Advice

You have given him multiple chances to change. He isn't. You have no control over that. And you have little control what someone chooses to do with their life.

Whether you did the right or wrong thing by leaving him is really up to you. Most people will tell you that you have to take care of yourself, but that's your own choice.

Do you want to continue to live as you are with him in order to keep him away from suicide? That's the only question you need to answer. Is taking responsibility for his life worth accepting his abuse and the sadness and pain you've been going through?

If it is, you have your answer. Again, it's your own life to use how you see fit.

If not, thats completely ok and acceptable. It's not wrong to leave a friend, boyfriend, spouse, or family member who is hurting you. It's not your responsibility to stay with them if they are damaging you- and make no mistake, his abuse is damaging you.

It's ok to leave to save yourself. It's ok to leave to find someone who will make you thrive, who will lift you up, rather than pull you down and smother you.

If you choose to leave, you have another 2 basic options.

First, you can completely cut ties and go. Maybe this will be the wake up he needs. Maybe it won't. Maybe he'll find another girl and treat her the same, maybe not. It's not your responsibility any longer, and you will never be to blame for his choices.

Second, you can be willing to remain his friend. And try to help him.

You can tell him that the only way you will consider being with him again, since he is so desperate to keep you, is he has to get help. Tell him he needs to stop making excuses that counselors and psychologists wont work, and he needs to get help.

Whatever you choose, you need to make sure he knows and understands this:

The way he treats you in unacceptable. It is disrespectful. It is inappropriate. Tell him what he did wrong, and especially that he would promise to get help and change, but you feel he didn't. Tell him that he is breaking promises doing that, which makes his word untrustworthy.

Finally, something I try to recommend to everyone are two cheap books from Amazon that have changed my life and thousands of others. They have opened my eyes to what I need in a partner, why I act and why others act the way they do in relationships, how to pick a partner that will provide a good relationship, how to spot a partner that will end in misery, and how to fix problems before they end the relationship.


Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love


The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert.

u/MarbleMonkeycat · 1 pointr/Advice

Friends. My future in being a living, thriving person that has a stable job. If you do find yourself with a revolver to your head or a noose just hanging in your room, try to convince yourself to not. if you do though try to think about any good times in your life . I just found out that this is a good book for depression

u/SterlingArcher80 · 1 pointr/Advice

Read this BOOK!! I know it might sound silly that reading a book could help you stop smoking, but if you really listen to the advice in this book it will change your mindset towards smoking. I smoked for 15 years and quit in under a month. I read it twice and I've never looked back. Good luck!

u/not_my_real_name_2 · 1 pointr/Advice

I highly recommend this book:
Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F---: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living A Good Life.

u/goofmaster2016 · 1 pointr/Advice

First advice is generalized advice which is to look at all the advice you get here and take it with a grain of salt since you will be dealing with the consequences. Read it all, think it all over (you don’t have to rush), discuss it with someone you trust, and make your own decision that is best for YOU. You are only responsible for your own circle of responsibility (your beliefs, thoughts, actions, feelings) and you can’t control anyone else. If you are freaking out, calm down and breathe and make decisions when you are calmer. Inhaling with your diaphragm for 4 seconds, holding for 7 seconds and exhaling for 8 seconds works for me but some do 4-4-4 so whatever is most comfortable for controlling your breathing. Make sure to eat healthy, drink water and get plenty of sleep, usually breathing exercises before sleep and not eating sugar after 6pm works for me when I’m stressed. I don't want to insult your intelligence with this, when stressed people forget about the basics which compounds decision making issues.

Now onto relationship advice, I strongly recommend DO NOT contact him. Everything about him screaming at you for him losing his job, crowding you at your car, and harassing you with cell phones, email and text mean that he doesn’t respect boundaries and he still wants to squirm his way into your life without any regard for your wellbeing. He’s very selfish in that train of thought, but sounds unstable as well so its not likely something you can reason out of him. I understand you don’t want to hurt him, but right now you being a part of his life is enabling destructive behavior and he will realize that feigning suicide is a way that he can reach you. Honestly, the ball is in his court regarding his own mental health and you will not be helpful to him.

I recommend against going straight to a restraining order because once you go there you’re really relying on the fact that he will be more scared of the police than infuriated or jilted. In addition, you are now involving the criminal justice system so you are putting a lot of faith in the hands of police/lawyers who will not be around at all hours even if they make this the top priority, and him doing this via email thousands of miles away will not make it.

That said here are some resources to help you make a better decision, please reply back or PM if you have any other questions:

This is the best for when someone is threatening suicide:

Some do’s and don’ts regarding thwarting stalkers:

$5 on amazon, Gift of Fear is one of the best books on this issue:

u/26space · 2 pointsr/Advice

there are a couple different ways to stop sucking your thumb. What I recommend is this clear "nail polish". It doesn't look like anything is on your nail and when you put it in your mouth it has a foul taste, discouraging the habit. Link:

In addition, it sounds like you have a fair amount of anxiety. Perhaps talking to your doctor about it may help.


u/garfnodie · 10 pointsr/Advice

You might look into a security bar like this one. I would imagine you could find then locally at a brick and mortal store if you don't want to wait for shipping.

u/t30ne · 1 pointr/Advice

I came here to suggest the Gift of Fear, too. Never discount your intuition. Don't let people discount your concern because you don't know empirically why you felt uneasy. That's your brain doing the detective work for you.

Seriously, if you're reading this, read this book. Everyone from teenage girls to VIP protective details can benefit from this guys experience and information.

u/JayKayVay · 1 pointr/Advice

I highly recommend Easyway.

I smoked 20-30 a day for 11 years - I suffered health issues including a severe chest infection and multiple minor strokes so I had to quit.

I couldn't quit, I tried: NRT (patches, lozenges, inhalator, gum - both independently and with the help of a nurse), hypnosis, drugs like zyban and chantax, herbal cigarettes, e-cigarettes, I tried cold turkey with every tip/trick going including mouthwash that made smoking taste horrible and taking up crocheting to keep my hands busy...the longest I went was three months on NRT patches, and I was miserable the whole time.

Easyway was recommended to me so I bought the book secondhand off of Amazon for a few £'s, it didn't work. I should stress I have ADHD so I struggle to read, but I still could see how many others it helped and even bought copies to give to friends who quit. So I decided to go to an Easyway talk instead, more expensive but with a full money back guarantee, I was a little sceptical and when I walked out I thought 'I'm just going to end up buying a pack of smokes on the way home'...I didn't. I've not smoked for 11 years, I've never had withdrawal or any cravings either.

Easyway has a 90% success rate, no willpower needed. I highly recommend just checking out the book, hell just look at the book reviews!

u/kaizer_pi · 2 pointsr/Advice

Highly recommend [](How to Become a Straight-A Student: The Unconventional Strategies Real College Students Use to Score High While Studying Less

u/Nicolettecapp · 2 pointsr/Advice

Here is the one I bought. It had a travel case so you can bring it with you when you stay at an airbnb or something like that . It works so good.

u/bluehawkins · 13 pointsr/Advice

Jesus Christ. Who are you, Winston Smith? Let go of that fatalist attitude. It won't get you anywhere, except more depressed. Regardless of when you die, there's nothing you can do about time passed, so where's the sense in fretting over it? In addition to the advice I posted separately, I recommend reading some literature on changing your mindset. "Feeling Good" by David Burns is a good one. It costs $6 on amazon.

u/ohmyword · 3 pointsr/Advice

Get Addalock - (1 Piece) for doors that don't have a dead bolt.

u/henrikc3 · 2 pointsr/Advice

Block her, and give yourself time to grow up and figure out yourself.

Also, book recommendation you might get benefit from. Helped me a lot getting out of similar situation:

ps. Giving her all the power is not a recipe for success.

u/fountainpenguy · 1 pointr/Advice

Read this book. How to Become a Straight A Student by Cal Newport. I linked to a PDF of the book, but you can purchase it here:

u/SeafoodDuder · 16 pointsr/Advice

Just sounds like a bunch of weak-minded bullies that have nothing else to do with their time. They probably picked on you because they thought you were alone. Please consider buying some Pepper Spray and keeping it in your purse. There's lots of crazy men and women out there.

u/XIIXOO · 1 pointr/Advice

get a revolver. if guns arent your thing, keep one of these on you and in every room :

u/gooberfaced · 1 pointr/Advice

Get Da Bird cat toy- my cats can't get enough of that one and they are 14 years old.
Lots of refill options for it, too.

u/moosemama2017 · 1 pointr/Advice

Addalock - (1 Piece ) Portable Door Lock, Travel Lock, AirBNB Lock, School Lockdown Lock
Buy this. It makes any door lock, it will keep him out.

u/bogartsdad · 2 pointsr/Advice

Talk to your local PD. Often they will have officers go around your house and give you suggestions for making your house more secure.

After my apartment was broken into (twice) I installed a couple of these (

u/Moxie1 · 1 pointr/Advice

You need something else to focus on. Your loss has become all you think about. This book helped me when I was in a similar situation. It was recommended to me by my therapist. It's been through several printings, so it's probably in the library.

u/thkuntze · 1 pointr/Advice

You could try one of the bitter nail biting products e.g. this.

u/Morkcheese · 1 pointr/Advice

i'm assuming you can't ask your landlord to change the locks - say you lost a copy of your keys or something?

a quick google search turned up this -

not sure how well it works though

u/WhackAMoleE · 1 pointr/Advice
  1. Buy and read The Elements of Style by Strunk and White.

  2. Omit needless words.

    (ps) Here is your post, with needless words omitted. I added nothing, only took your post and cut it down. Tell me what you think.

    > I've been drafting a fanfiction. I just can't do it. I'm not doing the characters justice. I don't have an idea why, but I know I can do something with the story. I can't seem to do it well. I'm new to writing, so my thoughts may be disoriented. I'm losing motivation. Anyone have/had these problems before?

u/-AJ · 1 pointr/Advice

Put Mavala Stop on your nails to make them taste horrendous.

u/haytkir · 6 pointsr/Advice

First: You NEED to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker:

Second: There are so many red flags here. Listen to your instincts. There is no reason to do anything more than to tell him that you are not interested in him and to stop contacting you. If he respects you he will apologize and leave you alone. Anything else is just reinforcement that this guy is bad news. Don't try to let him down easy, don't try to be polite. Be firm and direct.

It's time to unfriend and block him on Facebook and entirely STOP responding to any messages he sends you.

u/countofmoldycrisco · 2 pointsr/Advice

I still struggle with anger issues to this day. What helped me was the book Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames by Thich Nhat Hanh (a Buddhist monk from Vietnam).

  1. Imagine your anger as a little child. Embrace our anger. Visualize yourself hugging a small child who needs comfort. Your anger isn't wrong. Recognize that it's there. Don't ignore it. Feel it.

  2. Imagine the people who wronged you (your parents ... if you continue to have anger problems you will have to do this with others as well) as 5 year old children. Find pictures of your mother and father as small children. When you want to yell at them, or even hurt them, imagine them as 5 year children.

    These two methods help me see the humanity in the people who make me angry. I have been using these methods for years and while I still have a long way to go, I'm better now because I use these visualization strategies.

    Book I recommend on anger: