Reddit Reddit reviews The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence

We found 143 Reddit comments about The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

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143 Reddit comments about The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence:

u/Fey_fox · 776 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Your sister is in heavy denial about the abuse she's been suffering.

This isn't your fault. All the police were doing is investigating a situation. They heard enough when approaching the scene to feel like the situation was dangerous enough to pull out their weapons. What you said may have given them concern, but to be concerned enough to pull a firearm is another matter entirely. They only supposed to do that when there's a danger to themselves or others. Your sister's husband was dumb enough to raise a gun to a cop. Doesn't matter if it was loaded it not, no cop is going to wait to find out because waiting can cost a life, theirs or an innocent. I'm wondering if he was trying to commit suicide by cop. Anyone who knows anything about guns and the law is that once you raise a gun to a cop they will shoot.

You may have saved your sister's & her son's life, even if she won't thank you for it. As for her inlaws, I doubt they can make a lawsuit stick. All you did was ask the police to check on your sister. What happened as a result of that is not your fault. It sounds to me like everyone involved is mentally sick, and it's sad all around. I think maybe there couldn't have been a good outcome, just degrees of bad.

This whole situation reminds me of a book called The Gift of Fear. That book may help you come to some sort of understanding of why this may of happened, & honestly I think this book should be required reading for young folks.

I'm sorry this happened. Good luck to you and your family.

u/FlatusGiganticus · 563 pointsr/JusticeServed

> What a creepy little fucker. He gave me bad vibes the minute I met him. Goes to show that your intuition about people is right sometimes.

The Gift of Fear

Read it. Dead serious. It will change your perspective on your gut instincts.

u/CackalackyCat · 384 pointsr/AskWomen

Don't ever compromise your safety -- even to avoid appearing rude or unfriendly -- if your gut instinct tells you it's a sketchy situation. Good people will understand, and even if they don't, who gives a shit, safety is more important. Example: An otherwise friendly, well-dressed, articulate man knocks on your door and says he needs to borrow money for gas or use your phone, but you feel uncomfortable, etc.

Good book on this topic

u/ineedanusername-o · 240 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL


  • she kidnapped your child and this "school" allowed it to happen
  • this "school" was incompetent, complicit, and negligent in allowing someone NOT registered to pick up your child
  • I found it hilarious once you said that you're going to the board SUDDENLY the principal was no longer "busy"
  • a R/O is MUST at this point, no more fucking around
  • a police report MUST be filed, it's time to build some paper trail or add to the paper trail
  • if you haven't already, LAWYER UP! it's time to bring EVERYONE from the teachers to the principal to the school district to whoever into that court room and drag their asses through the fucking fire
  • consider relocating completely and radio silence for EVERYONE until your family feels safe (or maybe not even then). pretend you're in the witness relocation program

    your MIL is reaching for power and control. you know the stories. you know how these cunts play the game. she's already shown you that she gives ZERO FUCKS ABOUT YOUR CHILD AND MORE ABOUT BEING THE ONE IN POWER AND CONTROL

    you haven't yet, read The gift of fear


u/sethra007 · 229 pointsr/childfree

Two-and-a-half years?! I'm very sorry, u/exquisitelyexhausted but that's stalking behavior.

Start keeping records of his attempts to contact you. His showing up at your gym is not a good sign--in fact, it's a sign that he may be escalating. Please read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker for more on this sort of behavior and the steps you can take.

u/CassandraCubed · 213 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

That is a very fast and nasty escalation -- and one that could have put you in more danger of being attacked by someone else.

Please be sure to let your boss know about this right away. As you said, you can't prove it was her, but is is pretty likely that it was. It would be wise to change your schedule. Given that your boss has already had to report your Nmonster to the police, your boss will likely want to help you do that. It would also be good to get a picture of your Nmom to the appropriate security folks at work so that they know the miscreant when they see her.

Given this incident, you would be wise to consider getting more protections for yourself in place.

You may also find this book useful The Gift of Fear.

Please take this escalation seriously and get your protections in place. One of the things that happens with ACONs is that our "Normal Meters" get broken and / or seriously skewed by decades of mistreatment by our NParents. Your buddy is freaked out for a reason. The other posters here are scared for you for a reason. If your nmom has escalated this fast and this maliciously, things aren't likely to quiet down.

Sending hugs (if you want them).

Edit: word

u/tinfrog · 166 pointsr/Parenting

Gather as much evidence about this as possible. If the school tries to hang your daughter over the incident, you use this against them. Go after them for neglecting to take action or being complicit in putting your daughter in emotional turmoil that lead to the whole thing. If necessary, lawyer up and see what the lawyer says you can get away with.

Normally I don't like these kinds of tactics but think of it as a form of Aikido :-) They're trying to cover their asses so you need to CYA.

About Krav Maga and your daugher's reaction. I haven't practiced Krav Maga itself but have similar other martial arts. Her reaction is exactly what's needed to keep herself safe from violence. The only thing is that she's a teenager and hasn't yet learned some other aspects, like de-escalation and avoiding a confrontation. These are two very important skills for survival and complementary to the fighting skills.

I encourage you and your daughter to read The Gift of Fear by Gavin Becker.

u/pearlhart · 108 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

But stranger danger is scare tactic and not really all that effective or accurate so it's not really taught anymore.

Most people will have to talk to strangers, and not all of them are the real enemy and it doesn't teach between the two. The move it towards teaching them which are a good choice and even towards trusting your gut and tricky people.

That said, I agree it's important to aware of people at any age. And that this has red flags, and it was important to pay attention to those as the OP did.

To that end, I think Gavin de Becker's work on fear should be more widely read, including The Gift of Fear.

u/becomingitgirl · 70 pointsr/relationship_advice

Please please read: The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence . A relationship is "good" until it's not. Just like how you can feel healthy until you go to the doctor and they tell you're sick. Use your best judgement. Be safe.


Reread your post. Can you see that he's trying to get his way regardless of your feelings? First he tried the "nice" way. I bet he also tried asking you for a baby. Then he tried telling you he wants a baby. Then he tried a guilt trip. Then he tried to dominate you. Then he HURT you and didn't let up until you agreed under force. OP, do not lie again. Do not say okay if you don't want a baby. You do not want to teach him (without meaning to) that he can get his way if he hurts you.


Here's an amazon link for the book: Maybe someone else knows where to get a free PDF?

u/mrrp · 62 pointsr/TalesFromRetail

>I asked him to leave me alone, he didn’t. So I made up some bs story that I left something behind and ran back into work.

You did well.

The Gift of Fear

u/stayyygold · 58 pointsr/politics

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is an amazing book and I highly recommend it to everyone, but especially women.

u/CatullusWasRight · 51 pointsr/relationships

Your story is starting to scare me. Please go get some pepper spray and/or a stun gun because I wouldn't put it past this crazy dude to try and attack you. He won't give two shits about a restraining order.

I also recommend reading this book.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker

Please stay safe and away from Jake!

u/IdyllMermaid · 51 pointsr/TheGirlSurvivalGuide

"Nothing happened", the word to finish that sentence is YET. while it's unknown exactly how the situation would of progressed if you hadn't left and gone to a safer location... if you feel it's dangerous that you are most likely right in your assessment. People are more perceptive than they realize.

Consider reading this book: The Gift of Fear

Maybe flippin' them off wasn't the smartest move, but they were already focused on harassing you. You are not responsible at all for their sinister behaviour.

It was better to run that to stay, you made the right choice.

There can be a pack mentality of men egging other men on, an action they may not initiate on their own, they will take part in, or turn a blind eye to, when they're together.

I've seen it in girls and women too (pack cruelty), more with verbal bullying, rarely physical violence.

u/robusto_esplendido · 51 pointsr/AskWomen

AH! I highly suggest The Gift of Fear for anyone looking to fine-tune their gut feeling. LOVE that book, and love knowing there's science behind those gut intuitions!

u/[deleted] · 36 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

I don't. I read The Gift of Fear when it came out in the late 90's, also around the time when I got my first apartment. I never opened the door without knowing who it was behind it.

One day, I was home sick from school and heard a knock at the door. I got up, looked out the peep hole, and didn't recognize the man, so I started to head back to the sofa. He knocked a second time and then I heard a key go into my lock and the lock turned. I rushed back to the door and held it closed and I yelled something like, "Who are you?" He said he was maintenance and needed to come in to look at something. I told him to go away, and he did. I called the office, pissed. They had not warned me at all and he wasn't entering for any emergency.

After that, even though nothing bad had happened, I felt like I wasn't secure. So, I bought a door jammer just so I knew that if I wasn't opening the door, no one else was either.

u/scarletsalander · 30 pointsr/running

There is a great book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker that nicely articulates why it is ALWAYS a good idea to listen to your gut reaction in these instances. Research supports the idea that when you feel squicked out by someone, there is usually good reason for it.

In general, I think people need better information about psychological and physical boundaries. I only learned about it in depth in therapy when I was processing my abuse history. I knew I had been hurt, but often couldn't explain why some of the emotional abuse in particular was so egregious until I had vocabulary related to boundary violations to describe it more accurately.

The fact that he grabbed your hand immediately, before even verbally announcing himself or saying hello, is a sign that he feels welcome to invite himself into your space without being asked, i.e. he does not respect your physical space (touching you without invitation or an appropriate level of friendship/intimacy), nor your psychological space (imposing his presence on you for THREE MILES even after you gave CLEAR cues for him to leave, e.g. saying you were going slower today, etc.).

You reacted completely reasonably and appropriately given the situation. What he did shows that he would be willing to impose on your boundaries in other situations as well, and that he sees himself as free to intrude on your space/time/person.

I wouldn't blame you for being concerned about running into him again. Who knows how he'll react when he realizes it isn't your phone number or that he can't find you easily on the path.

Do you run with your phone on you? You may want to let someone know the next time you're out alone in that area so that you can make an emergency call the second you see him again and alert a friend to your location/the fact that he's around. Establish a check-in procedure.

If he is pushy again, or doesn't take no for an answer, I don't think it is unreasonable to let a police officer in the area know. Sometimes they will up patrols when they know that behavior is occurring.

u/Joffrey_is_so_alpha · 28 pointsr/TheBluePill

>She said my whole vibe and the way I was looking at them was creepy.

This is called "intuition", sometimes known as "emotional intelligence". It's detailed in Gavin De Becker's masterful book that every woman should read, The Gift of Fear. (Seriously, if you haven't read it, do yourself a favor. If you're a guy, buy it for all the women in your life.)

Experts like De Becker, who specialize in helping women avoid violence, say that the single most important thing any woman can do is follow her gut feelings about creepers.

If a woman says you were being a creepy degrading asshole, dude, you were most likely being a creepy asshole. The very fact that you've come running back to gerbil about your lack of success to your fellow redpillians - plus your post history - tells me that she's RIGHT ON TARGET.

Creepy misogynist PUA-wannabe: 0
Intuitive woman's creepdar: 1

edit: after reading the replies: holy shit they hate women a whole lot in there shudder

edit the second: wow, this post seems to have hit a raw redpillian nerve. As long as you're reading, dudes, what you do is predatory behavior. A lot of women out there are going to intuit that you're up to no good whatsoever. What you do is predatory and creepy as all fuck. You're gross. What's worse is that you're gross and don't realize it. You're like the old fat dude in the otherwise respectable bar wearing gold chains and a texas tuxedo and a nugget ring who talks too loud and tells shitty jokes and pinches the waitstaff's ass and has too much nose/ear/back hair and who thinks he's the hottest of shit, but for whom everyone else - especially women, but normal dudes too - feels a combination of growing impatience, disgust and pity. THAT GUY IS ALL OF YOU.

u/op_249 · 23 pointsr/PublicFreakout

I would also recommend a copy of the gift of fear

u/freedomfilm · 22 pointsr/AskReddit

You are being socially programmed to not make a fuss, cause trouble, or affect his family/job... All to the detriment of your own job and safety.

You asked him to stop, and you can leave it at that, but if he does one more inappropriate thing:

Call the police, tell your boss, and end it...

Also, read the book "The gift of fear". Don't be "polite" or nice when you KNOW everything he is doing is WRONG. Trust your gut and instincts, it could save your life, or someone else's.

And a little Oprah for fun. LOL.

No, I'm not shilling the book or associated with the author/publisher. OP just basically outlined EVERYTHING the book says...

And those strategies are used by predators to rape 75 women every hour in the USA.

u/BaylisAscaris · 21 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

It's possible he doesn't realize his behavior is inappropriate because of either some sort of mental disorder or a weird childhood, and it's also possible he realizes what a creeper he is being, but it doesn't matter. Educating him isn't your job. Your job is to keep yourself safe. If that means ignoring him, cool, if that means contacting the police, cool, if that means explaining to him how inappropriate he was and establishing clear boundaries, cool. It's up to you. Trust your judgement.

I dealt with a lot of guys like this over the years, and my default mode was to try not to make a fuss, and that got me stalked and sexually assaulted. My mode now is to establish clear, firm boundaries from the beginning. As soon as someone does something that isn't cool, I point it out. "You're not allowed to grab my ass. If you do it again, I'm telling a bouncer and not talking to you anymore." or "I want you to stop contacting me. I'm not interested in dating or being friends with you. If you try to come by or break in again I'm calling the police."

Unfortunately, being firm and putting up boundaries can incite violence and make the situation temporarily worse. Remember, you have a right to live harassment free, and you have done nothing wrong. He is being inappropriate. Check out The Gift of Fear.

u/PurePerfection_ · 19 pointsr/UnresolvedMysteries

I wouldn't call a gut feeling dumb luck. A bad gut feeling is often the reaction we have to behavioral red flags we pick up unconsciously. In this particular case, given that two officers had
the same reaction and no apparent motive to target this man, the kidnapper almost certainly acted in ways that subtly alarming.

Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear" explains this well:

The first chapter is available online here:

u/exposeyourself2art · 19 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

First off, I think the childhood molestation hit you harder than you know. You don't seem to understand acceptable boundaries when it comes to sexual partners (don't spend time with anyone who doesn't respect the word no). Nor do you feel comfortable enough following your instinct in leaving a situation you don't want to be in. You're less likely to get into these sorts of situations if you get some therapy or read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.

> 1) I tell him I don't want to have sex. I say I don't want to. He puts on the condom and says he'll just stick the tip in. I cry while he's fucking me

What kind of sick fuck gets turned on by a woman crying because he's having sex with her? This was definitely rape. You don't need to be screaming and running away. His response to you telling him no twice was to reach for a condom? WTF?

> 2) I find myself saying yes. I pretend to come because I want to go home. I say I need to take a break, and he leans against me, then falls asleep. Okay, I say, and start giving him a blow job. After awhile, he says, can I put it in? I say okay. Pretty sure he could tell I wasn't really into the sex.

This is not rape, just bad sex. You verbally agreed whenever he asked. He had no way of knowing you didn't want sex, other than not really being into it.

> 3) In the morning he wants to have sex again, but I tell him I'm a bit sore and don't want to. I still say I don't want to. He sticks it in anyway. I say no, I'm too sore, I'm really not used to this. But he sticks it in anyway.

Unless this is some pre-arranged rape fantasy sex in which you have a safe word that is not "no," then this is also rape.

u/WhateverWasIThinking · 18 pointsr/TrollXChromosomes

In /r/relationships they often recommend the book 'The gift of fear'.

It's a general book on the subject of safety but it really touches on the signals we tend to ignore as women under the guise of politeness.

u/Daleth2 · 16 pointsr/legaladvice

Relax. He's trying to extort money from you, which is a crime. If you know you didn't do anything wrong, and if you know he let other employees use your number to do stuff, and you're pretty sure he wasn't paying business taxes like he was supposed to, not only should you be fine (since you didn't do anything wrong), but you could get him in trouble for criminal tax evasion and extortion.

Have you read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker? See if it's at your local library. It is VERY VERY helpful in dealing with evil people.

u/gud_spelller · 15 pointsr/alcoholicsanonymous

Before we got married, my wife had two "stalkers" like this. Annoying, creepy, but nothing criminal. One had a traumatic brain injury and the other guy had a different disorder. Subtle hints that she was not interested did nothing. She never tried the direct approach, and I'm not sure that it would have worked. Cognitive dissonance was big with these guys.

Gavin de Becker is a security expert, and in his book he says many of these types of guys are clueless, but harmless. Of course, some cross the line to harmful. His recommendation was to starve the stalker of any attention until they shifted their focus elsewhere. He found that threats or restraining orders were counter productive in most situations.

u/riteilu · 14 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Hm. It's a little bit tricky to say. On the one hand, I do feel like it's a good policy to look up and say hello to your neighbors, and I do wonder whether you might be overgeneralizing about the intent of the people talking to you in the street or misreading the culture. My experience is that people in poorer communities tend to be more open about casually talking to people in the streets than people in wealthier communities.

Regarding what his response: do you ever talk to people in the neighborhood? It's possible that he wasn't saying "You need to talk to me because your kind is gentrifying the neighborhood," but rather "We've seen you around and noticed that you ignore all of us all the time." In fact, I see his remark as more of an honest, slightly hurt question than an attempt to rope you into anything you didn't want to do, especially if he didn't follow after you and keep trying to talk as you went by.

And I guess I do feel a bit...rubbed the wrong way by your remark that you are fairly certain he would have made an inappropriate remark if you gave any response, because I don't see anything indicative of that, but, granted, I wasn't there at the time, so there may have been some things happening that doesn't quite come through in text.

You are right, however, that you don't need to communicate with anyone if you don't want to, but it might be worthwhile to consider a slightly different approach while you're living in this neighborhood. There was a really excellent blog post I read a while ago about dealing with harassment in India, but I can't seem to find again. The gist of it, however, is that it is important for a person to distinguish between dangerously creepy individuals and harmless ones. A big, important difference between the two, is that dangerously creepy individuals won't take no for an answer, whereas harmless ones will back off if you tell them you're uncomfortable with what they're doing.

A lot of times, immigrants and people from poorer communities fall into the "harmlessly creepy" categories. They might not share your cultural background that taught them, "Don't say these things to women walking alone," but they will respect you if you tell them you are uncomfortable with it.

The book The Gift of Fear talks a lot about distinguishing between different types of situations that might cause us discomfort, and how best to respond to them. It will be good for teaching you what it feels like to be in a situation where your safety is actually at risk, versus being in a situation that might be uncomfortable, but isn't actually dangerous.

Your exact course of action is up to you, of course, but I would personally recommend you take the route of responding to people who talk to you on the street and saying, "Don't do that, please" if someone makes an unwelcome remark. If they push the issue, repeat, more loudly, "I said, cut that out." At this point, it is likely that others will tell the person in question to back off if they do not do so themselves.

u/cakemountains · 14 pointsr/askwomenadvice

If he's not abusive, he's awfully close. People who have abusive tendencies like to jump into relationships full speed to sort of 'trap' their partner. He is jealous, he tracks your location, confronts you when you don't respond fast enough (uh, you're in class!) or when he can't see where you are in real time, he's clingy, he's demanding of your time, he doesn't trust you even though you show him your communications with friends...

Okay, he's abusive.

The excitement of a new relationship, especially when they're super into you, is a rush. It happens. Sometimes it fizzles out under the best of circumstances; this is not the best of circumstances by a long shot.

Someone does not need an actual reason to break up with someone. Sure, it's great to be able to give one and it's great to be able to get one. But you have a lot of reasons to move on and move on fast before he escalates. BTW, there's a good chance he will be very angry if (hopefully when) you break up with him. Make sure friends are close by (don't let him know this) or do it in a very public area. Carry pepper spray if you must. If he has a key to your place, change the locks. Change your passcode on your phone or any password he knows. Delete/block him on all social media. If you do all this before you break up, he'll get suspicious. Write down a list of what you need to do so you don't forget. Then break up and take care of these things ASAP.


u/ReasonReader · 14 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

There's a definitive book on the subject.

I read this back when some asshole was obsessing over my GF and following her around. We ended up going to court and getting a restraining order to keep him away from our homes and workplaces.

u/lazer_kat · 14 pointsr/UnresolvedMysteries

There is an amazing book on listening to intuition and how it can save lives called the Gift of Fear. HIGHLY recommend it.

u/shortc4ke · 13 pointsr/niceguys

There's a book people mention in r/creepypms a lot, I haven't read it myself but want to. It's called "The Gift of Fear"

u/sagemassa · 13 pointsr/guns

Lets start at square one, you may not be able to carry anything purpose built but you absolutely can ensure you have items that can be used to aid you in a pinch.

When I recently traveled to your country I opted to keep a couple items on my person...a tuff-writer pen and also a quality flashlight that ran on an AA power source rather than CR123's or something of that nature. In addition to that I would recommend that you have first-aid, a tool bag, and a fire your automobile if applicable. Once you have a set of kit sorted out that should be something that is always with you just like the new can-do-attitude you will be cultivating, none of this crap helps you if its back at home 45 min away.

Something like this will add capabilities to your tool box, and that helps solve one aspect of your problem.

The other side of things is how to train yourself to be more aware, this is however a life long process and it is a skill that will atrophy quickly. I recommend you pickup a copy of this book The Gift of Fear it details the human fear response and helps put it in context for dealing with day to day life...this book was really what set me on the tracks for being more situationally aware.

The other thing you should remember is just because you don't have a pistol on your belt, or a myriad of knives on your body doesn't have any impact what-so-ever on how well prepared you are to deal with a crisis, or your situational awareness. I have known plenty of people (military/civilian) who have zero situational awareness and are completely unprepared to deal with anything unless its explained to them in advance, using small words.

Once you have a basis you can start looking at some of the next steps. I think a great many people will suggest Martial Arts to you, and there is nothing wrong with that at all...if it is something you are interested in, you might also consider some medical training, bush-craft skills courses, mountaineering instruction, land navigation...and other courses of this nature, again its about putting skills/tools in your tool box that can be drawn on later when needed.

I hope this helps at at least get you thinking about how you can start to be more self reliant, and help be part of the solution not the problem.


u/CaitlinRenae · 11 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

That's emotional blackmail girlfriend.

Read that link, and then read everything else on that site.

You were not leading him on. He was leading you on. He was leading you on with lies about cutting, with declarations you were his only friend, with manipulation, wheedling, whining, putting himself first before you, and all his other blackmailing antics.

Does he need help? Absolutely. Are you a trained adult mental health professional? Fuck no. Does he know that? Of course he did.

Like you said, he was a lying, manipulative, using jerk. He can be that and still be in need of mental health services. One of these things does not make the other any less true.

Good on you for blocking, getting out, telling friends, and telling your story here.

Needy, manipulative, users will use good people against themselves. That is not the good person's fault.

Get on Amazon, order this book, and read it cover to cover. As a good person and a girl, it can save your life. Even if your future is with other girls. It has saved mine.

Now that you have this experience, you have a set of warning signs and red flags to look for in the future. And you will not tolerate emotional blackmail ever again.

u/aixenprovence · 11 pointsr/AskWomen

I don't care if 99% of candied apples don't have razor blades in them; if there's a 1% chance I'll get one with a razor blade in them, then that's going to dictate my relationship with new candied apples. Making me feel guilty about the 99% of candied apples that are totally safe doesn't convince me.

Speaking as a man, if a woman is uncomfortable being alone with a man she doesn't know, then frankly I think she's being smart. I don't give a flying fuck about a good guy's hurt feelings. Rape and assault, unfortunately, are pretty common, and bad guys act like good guys as though it were their job. Let's act that way.

If a woman can't form friendly relationships with any men at all, then that is a different problem. However, if we're talking about strangers, then yeah. Listen to your gut and don't be alone with them.

By the way, along these lines, I would recommend a book called The Gift of Fear.

u/salaryboy · 11 pointsr/UnresolvedMysteries

Posted this in my own comment, but good book on this is

u/ImmortanJane · 10 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

Pay no attention to them. Too often we don't we don't listen to our gut when it comes to situations like this. I recommend reading The Gift of Fear. Stay sexy, don't get murdered.

u/ninasayers21 · 10 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

If dropping hints doesn't work then you need to work on being more assertive.

"Hey, I'm really busy and can't chat"

"Hey, I have a lot of work to do and these chats throw me off"

I think you can say these things with an friendly tone, but still be assertive.

Also don't ever be apologetic for having an uneasy feeling about someone. Trust your gut, it's signaling you for a reason.

eta: OP, to combat the other pretty ignorant post which implies that you are overreacting and would be "a massive dick" for saying anything... check out this book, called The Gift of Fear. There is a biological reason that certain people make you feel uncomfortable.

u/Deradius · 10 pointsr/AskReddit

There is no point in calling him up and making noises at him. All that will do is give him attention - which is, at least in part, what he wants. If you call him, he knows she's got her talking about him and thinking about him. Don't give him that satisfaction - it will encourage him to come back for more.

The best way for her to deal with this is to avoid contact with him and not give him any incentive to keep pushing this.

She should probably notify her manager about the situation. Something like, "This creeper keeps coming through my line and trying to talk to me - I try to move him through as professionally as possible, and I think I can handle it, but I'm just letting you know in advance in case it becomes an issue."

If possible, she should not be there when he wants to check out - someone else should be.

I know that's not realistic, though, so if he goes through her line, she should just be polite, professional, and stick to the script.

"Hello, thank you for shopping at Staples. Do you have a reward club card?"

"Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all night, bay-bay."

"That will be $27.35. Debit or credit?"

"Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?"

"That will be $27.35. Debit or credit?"

"I wish that I was cross-eyed girl, so I could see you twice."

"That will be $27.35. Debit or credit?"

(Repeat until he pays, or at some point ask him to move along so that other customers may be served.)

"Have a good day, sir. Thank you for shopping at Staples." (Next customer)

At some point, if he can't get any response out of her, he's either going to flip out and get removed from the store or go away.


Additionally, she should park her vehicle in a well lit area in front of the store. When she leaves work, she should consider walking out with other employees. Call your local police or Sheriff's department to see if they offer rape aggression defense courses. She might wish to consider purchasing and becoming proficient with pepper spray or (if her moral outlook, preferences, and philosophy are compatible) firearms.

I would recommend that you and she both purchase and read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

Good luck!

u/bbsittrr · 10 pointsr/offmychest

>I had a really bad feeling.

And you thankfully listened to it.

This book:

>The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence

Says over and over again: trust your gut. It's tens of thousands of years of survival instinct.

Could it have been: van driver kind of sucks as a driver, and you knew that?

Or you know this group is too careless when together?

Something. When I read the title, I thought it would be people drank so much they ended up in the hospital.

You were right to trust your gut instinct, or your premonition, or whatever it was. Doesn't matter, you're not dead.

u/t30ne · 9 pointsr/bestof

Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker is a great read on this topic.

u/finnoulafire · 9 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

I see it has been several hours now since this incident occurred. I hope that you have been able to make progress with the Police, and maybe make some phone calls to close family or friends. If you haven't done so yet, I encourage you today or tomorrow to call at least 1 person who is going to be your unconditional supporter and tell them what happened. It sounds like you have been very isolated recently, and whatever happens after this, I want you to reach out to that person who is going to be your teammate and cheerleader as you recover and plan for the future of your family.

The next thing I would say is to take his threats very seriously. It is good that you have written down some of the threats he made to you. If you are still in contact with the police, I would make a list of the threats he made and send it to the officer working on your case. Emphasize that you are afraid for the safety of multiple people - yourself, your child, and possibly other friends or family members who may try to protect you. Ask about the process of having a restraining order placed on him. Do you have a family member or friend you can stay with for a few days? Or who can come and stay with you? Look into changing the locks. If he tries to contact you, do not answer unless you have a police officer nearby.

Lastly, I want to leave two book recommendations that you may want to read over the next few weeks or months. The first is Why Does He Do That?. The second is The Gift of Fear. I hope you may be able to take the time to read these books and that they may provide some outside perspective for you.

u/awkward_chrysalis · 8 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Wow your sister has like, problems & stuff.

For yourself I have a book suggestion: [The Gift of Fear] ( by Gavin de Becker. You may have to start treating the people in your life as though they are dangerous - even if not physically.

There's no way to win when you're dealing with people like this. The only long term solution is to reduce contact, preferably down to zero. They'll pitch bitch fits while you're doing this, and they'll try to draw upon the programming they taught you - self-sacrifice and family loyalty, etc.

At this point, whatever you've invested in your family and what ever they've invested in you is a sunk cost. It's done, it's over, move on. Your bills are your bills, etc, lock down your credit accounts in case they start coming after you fraudulently.

Your sister though. Well I think you got two options here...

  1. Feed the rumor mill until it jams. (I got this expression from another book.) I think I saw articles about how to do this on Lifehacker & Gawker. Basically you start seeding your social media and online presence with fake information. Gradually. Don't lock it down right away. Just start integrating "New" interests you're not really interested in. The end goal is to get your sister to stalk a Construct or a decoy while you go off somewhere else. If that decoy gradually stops making updates then that's called a Slow Fade.

  2. Cut contact from her and the rest of your family. Is there anything good about them anymore? Again, sunk costs. Don't worry abor what they used to do worry about what they are currently doing. If they are dragging you down, I can't imagine they'll ever ease up.
u/GabriellaVM · 8 pointsr/adultsurvivors

I think you CAN detect them, at least sometimes. I do. There are certain characteristics that my "spidey senses" pick up on that I feel in my gut.

I'd suggest the book [The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence](http://

u/Thisisthe_place · 8 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

I highly recommend the book The Gift of Fear.
Like everyone else has said, please trust your gut. You are doing the right thing. Better that your MIL hates you than your kids for not protecting them.

u/hornysloth · 8 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

>No amount of exercise or skill training would give me a physical advantage to a man, and this terrifies me.

You're absolutely right, this is a terrifying realization. I can think of two male comedians who've made jokes about this sentiment. Louis CK had a bit where he expressed his astonishment that women are able to trust men at all - "Maybe this one will be nice and not kill me....". I actually could tell that it took some empathy to to make a joke like that. Then there's Joe Rogan, who had a bit where he forced everyone into his moment of realization, during which he was surrounded by extremely in-shape, aggressive male fighters, and proclaims to the audience (essentially) "OMG u guise if one of these men wanted to they could come in here and rape all of us, and not one of you could do a thing about it." That same "joke" would hold true whether it was Joe Rogan:MMA Fighter or Women:Men.

The reason I'm referencing humor that's been directed at this is to illustrate that: it's absurd, it's unfortunate, difficult to cope with, and not everyone understands it. In my opinion it's easier for those men to make jokes like that because, for example, MMA-fighter-on-Joe-Rogan rapes and attacks are not exactly common. Whereas in the forefront of my head (for a long time) where personal experiences AND statistics which were painful reminders that male-on-female attacks are MUCH too common for comfort, and that made me a paranoiac.

I don't have too much advice to give, except that I think part of what may help to cope with this is to realize that any average person can bring you harm in one way or another whether or not they have a desire to do so. Someone recklessly driving on the road, texting and driving, can run you over or cause a huge accident. And someone with bad intentions, man or woman, if they truly want to hurt you, physically or otherwise, will find their methods.

I know that thinking of all the evil and hurt that is possible will only keep me locked in a cage of fear. It's difficult to fight against it, especially when there are seemingly so many things to trigger my fears, even "hilarious" male comics' jokes. It's never completely out of my mind. But like you, I saw a glimpse of the jaded, cynical, afraid person I could become (and was becoming) and made a decision to try and counsel myself in those moments where those thoughts abounded. I started trusting people (namely, men), and saw that those men that had hurt me were not the norm.

Please don't let fear rule your life. I haven't read this book, but I've heard good things about it: The Gift of Fear. I agree with the tagline, that there is a balance that must be met with "true" fear and "unwarranted" fear. Frankly I feel like I need to read it.

u/youre_being_a_dick · 7 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

Follow this advice, OP. I also suggest you read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.

u/MsCellophane · 7 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

Better overreacting and safe than underreacting and hurt, right? There is this amazing, essential book called The Gift of Fear that would tell you that you did the exact right thing.

u/doomparrot42 · 7 pointsr/actuallesbians

Maybe she has a mental illness, maybe she grew up in an abusive home. Whatever the reason, horrible as it might sound, you can't help her, and trying to fix someone is frequently a great way to get trapped in an abusive relationship. It's aimed at women trying to understand abusive men, but you might want to check out Why Does He Do That. And maybe The Gift of Fear while you're at it.

u/little_plum · 7 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

It might benefit you to stop talking to him, to be honest. Evidently, he wasn't good boyfriend material, and it doesn't sound like he's any better at being a friend, or even a sane acquaintance.

Not to sound like an advertisement, but The Gift of Fear may be useful here.

And definitely keep a paper trail.

u/mischiffmaker · 6 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

There's a book called The Gift of Fear, which I often see recommended. It teaches you how to listen to your own instincts and overcome the social conditioning women get to "make nice" rather than "be rude" even to predators.

I hope this helps you. Good luck to you!

u/EnticingInsouciance · 6 pointsr/relationship_advice
u/--13 · 6 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

> Idk what came over me at that moment but I ran, ran outside the apartment

No. You do know what came over you. You had the gift of fear. You were in immediate danger of a violent threat and took action to protect yourself from it.

u/strawberry · 6 pointsr/relationship_advice

Do not meet or communicate with her; that will only tell her that if she wants contact with you, all she has to do is pester you for X number of days.
It just reinforces her toxic behavior.

Get yourself a copy of Gavin De Becker’s “The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence”.

u/octopushug · 6 pointsr/relationship_advice

Every response usually helps to prolong the period of contact, since it can indicate to the person that they still have your attention and may make them feel like they have control over the situation in that they can force you to acknowledge them. Ignoring them may escalate the situation in that they will show up to confront you in person. In my situation, I had to move. I was somehow considered the rude one since I didn't bend over backwards to acknowledge someone who ignored my request to be left alone, and there was no proof of a physical threat so I couldn't file a restraining order in my particular state. Keep a record of everything and please stay safe. I walked with my phone in hand to quickly speed dial family or friends when he showed up on my commute home after work. Call the police when he shows up where you live or work so they have an established record of his behavior, even if they can't arrest him or prevent him from approaching you. It might also be helpful to read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker if this blows up even further; there is an entire section concerning stalkers and individuals who can't take "no" as an answer. I wish you the best!

u/IrenaeusGSaintonge · 6 pointsr/AskReddit

I agree that taking action and creating a paper trail is a great idea. However, please keep one thing in mind.

For the truly obsessed stalkers, the legitimately crazy ones, often a restraining order will actually escalate their craziness. I read a great book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker [(here's the link of you want it)] (, and one thing he gives many examples of is stalkers escalating after someone takes out a restraining order. He explains it better than I could, but essentially the reason for this is that the restraining order recognizes him, and by recognizing him in a sense it legitimizes his contact. Mr. de Becker believes that the best way to take care of a stalker is to completely cut them out of your life. Refuse to interact with them on any level whatsoever. He says that after a few months of this the stalker will usually move on, unfortunately often to another target, but sometimes not.

A bit of consolation: it's only a tiny subset of stalkers that are potentially violent. Just going by statistics your sister is probably safe. Of course, the chance remains that he is potentially violent, and since it is a possibility it's up to you as her brother, and the rest of your family, to keep her safe.

Basically, don't take any chances, but don't panic either. Good luck to you guys.

u/bythe · 6 pointsr/UnresolvedMysteries

Gavin de Becker writes about these concepts in his books.

Protecting the Gift:

  • In Protecting the Gift, Gavin de Becker shares with readers his remarkable insight into human behavior, providing them with a fascinating look at how human predators work and how they select their targets and most important, how parents can protect their children. He offers the comforting knowledge that, like every creature on earth, human beings can predict violent behavior. In fact, he says, parents are hardwired to do just that. -Source

    The Gift of Fear:

  • Author Gavin de Becker says victims of violent behavior usually feel a sense of fear before any threat or violence takes place. They may distrust the fear, or it may impel them to some action that saves their lives. A leading expert on predicting violent behavior, de Becker believes we can all learn to recognize these signals of the "universal code of violence," and use them as tools to help us survive. The book teaches how to identify the warning signals of a potential attacker and recommends strategies for dealing with the problem before it becomes life threatening. -Source
u/jackelfrink · 6 pointsr/socialskills

Stop right there!

I am being absolutely serious when I say this. You need to get the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker and read it cover to cover immediately. The author runs a company in Hollywood protecting celebrities from crazed fans. This book is essentially a how-to guide to protect yourself from workplace shootings, stalkers, and other dangerous individuals. And don't give me that "I am sure it is nothing" line. If there is even a one percent of one percent of one percent chance this could turn into something dangerous, you NEED to be informed.

I am not joking.

I already see four maybe five warning signs just in the little you have posted so far. You have to inform yourself on recognizing behaviors. If this somehow does escalate, you may have only hours or minutes to recognize what is going on and prepare for it. Coming back to Reddit and waiting for an answer simply wont be fast enough. You have to have that knowledge in your head.

Heck man. Send me your amazon wishlist account through private message and I will buy the book for you. Express overnight shipping on me.

u/BlueSuedeSneakers · 5 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Have you ever read Gavin Becker's The Gift of Fear? ( It is seriously one of the most helpful books I've ever read. It helped me break out of the "I can't let anyone think I'm a bitch/I can't lose weight or men will find me attractive" traps that I was in.

You have no obligation to be nice to people who aren't giving you the respect that you deserve. You don't have to be socialized to be nice to people who are disrespecting you. It's okay to assert yourself and your own needs. Don't worry about being a bitch.

I was mugged at my doorstep a few years ago. I feel the same way as you do, often -- that I can't go out without being harassed unless I have my husband or a male friend around. And it sucks so completely. When I go out, I keep my bitchface in my pocket in case it's necessary. I also always have something to keep me occupied -- iPod, book, whatever -- so that I have the socially acceptable excuse of "sorry, I need to do this right now." I keep a guard up around strangers, which sucks: I'm a harder person when I'm out than when I'm with my friends. But it's what I do to maintain my reasonable boundaries -- the space I need for my own personal well-being and safety -- in the outside world.

Hugs and good luck: this world was not made for us, so we've got to go remake it, one person at a time.

u/captchyanotapassword · 5 pointsr/OkCupid

Get some counseling. And read this: I hope it helps you to differentiate what merits your attention.

u/canadacass · 5 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

I'm going to give you a reading list. He gives some good tips on what to look for and how to speak up for yourself.

Eg. if a man is walking toward you or insists on helping you carry your grocery bags, the author tells you what to do and how to set your boundaries. A normal man will listen to those boundaries, a predator will keep insisting.

If you notice someone stalking you, you can also ask a security guard or an employee to walk you to your car.

You can also partner up with another woman/mother with kids. safety in numbers.

If it was me I would probably tell him off, but that assertiveness is a skill it can take some time to acquire and feel comfortable using.



u/exfamilia · 5 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

From what you've said above, you went with your instincts, and your instincts were right. You may not have had the language to articulate what was happening, but you could feel something was and you could acted on it when it made you uncomfortable. That is a life-saving reaction.

In case you've never heard of it, let me recommend a book called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. He is a security expert, and he travels to schools and colleges now talking especially to girls. He explains when and why to trust your instinct and how to keep yourself safe from predators. It's really eye-opening stuff, and much of it is very simple, we just need to hear it explained to recognise a lot of situations we've all been in.

This is a link to the book on Amazon, and it has a "Look Inside" option.
And this is a link to his website.

I recommend this to all women, especially young women, it can literally save lives. Frankly I'd be more comfortable getting this kind of information from a woman, but this is a very rare man, and I trust his advice a lot. If you get something from it, talk to your friends about it, we need to spread this kind of education widely.

Good luck. And bless that 13-y-o girl still inside you—she kept you safe, even when she didn't fully understand what was happening. That's praise-worthy.

u/beaglemama · 5 pointsr/breakingmom

> Posting this made me confident enough to approach this and get it handled. Honestly, it's made me feel crazy and paranoid...

Your stalker is the crazy one.

(((hugs))) I'm sorry you have to deal with this crap.

And this is the book I mentioned in another reply

u/knottysleeves · 5 pointsr/VictoriaBC

There's a great book called "The Gift of Fear" that explains in depth how our instincts work and the various ways our subconscious tries to warn us about things (not just impending violence, but general stuff that makes us feel uneasy or weird and our logical brain can't parse why). It's quite fascinating.

u/goodmorning33 · 5 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Guy here. I feel you, i hear this kind of stuff from many girls who confide in me and you're right, it's astonishing how often women get harassed. My best advice for you when someone touches your ass again is to make a scene, and firmly respond decline any advances you're uncomfortable with. this book (I'm not a marketer i swear) helps identify people who mean to gain something from you or seek you out only for sexual interest. You're less likely to be targeted if you're firm with your disapproval and awareness of someone's bad intentions

u/dogGirl666 · 5 pointsr/AmItheAsshole

> such a thing as gut instinct

I think the book The Gift Of Fear goes over this.

u/Dejohns2 · 4 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

There are steps you can take to try and reduce the potential that you are assaulted. But to be clear, nothing you can do will ever prevent assault 100%.

Like, being a defensive driver can reduce the likelihood you will get in a car accident. But it can't really prevent you from getting t-boned by a car running a red light that was entirely in your blind spot, you know?

And whatever steps you take will have trade offs. You say you've been burned before, so you will likely be more cautious with new relationships, but this prevents you from forming deep bonds with other people. Part of putting yourself out there means that sometimes you do get hurt. You can certainly not put yourself out there, but then you deprive yourself of the opportunity to create new friendships and relationships. You can certainly not walk around at night or not walk around alone, but you will be depriving yourself of a moonlit walk in solitude.

People will likely tell you to get a gun, and if you do, I urge you to look into the rates of homicide and suicide of those who live in homes with guns versus without in your region. I would also urge you not to get one unless everyone you live with is okay with it, and it is okay with and covered by your insurance. It's very important that everyone living in the house is aware of it, it's also very important that you do not tell anyone else about it. Guns should live in gun safes. Their ammunition should be kept separately, and the gun should not be kept loaded. Even if your state does not require, take as much firearm training and safety as you can before purchasing and bringing a gun home.

If you feel like you are somehow responsible for your assault because you didn't take enough action before to protect yourself, know that this happening to you was not your fault, and there is likely little you could have done to protect yourself. Part of growing older is having shitty things happen to you. This was likely one of those things for you. It's great you want to learn from the experience, but please don't blame yourself for it.

As for "protecting" yourself, Carolyn Hax recommends The Gift of Fear pretty often. I haven't read it and don't necessarily agree the whole premise of the book, but it seems to be what you might be looking for.

u/niroby · 4 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

You need to learn to trust your feelings again. I haven't read it, but I've seen it highly recommended by others The Gift of Fear.

u/smooth_jazzhands · 4 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It's all about intuition and how to use it to protect yourself -- it's pretty famous but it honestly changed my life and how I think about personal safety as a woman.

u/mountainash · 4 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Gavin de Becker's books The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift offer excellent insights on this topic. Despite the book titles, I've found I live with less fear by employing some of the authors tactics.

u/ElBomberoLoco · 4 pointsr/pics

> IMHO that and not enough training is contributes to so much inaccuracy.

I was in the NYPD academy in the early 2000s. I don't know about the Glock trigger because I was issued a Sig Sauer P226k....but I can tell you, scarily, that it's pretty damn easy to "qualify" to department standards.

That and we studied the Diallo shooting in class. While it was clearly a bad shooting (meaning not justified) there were two key elements to the controversial "41 shots". The first...and really the worst element was that one officer had his finger on the trigger while he was moving forward (poor trigger discipline)....tripped and fell. The other officers simultaneously hear the shot, see the officer fall and believed that he was they returned fire. The reason they fired 41 shots...was because we were told that at the time, the procedure was not "double-tap and reassess"...but rather fire until the threat is neutralized...and if you run out, perform a combat reload.

Now I am not a tactician, not a forensic expert, not a criminologist....or anything closely resembling any of those things. I'm not even a police officer (I resigned from the academy). I only know what I was taught while I was there (rather, what I can remember from what I was taught) and the bit I've read on the physiology of the brain during a combat situation. On Combat by Dave Grossman is an excellent read.

Now I want to stress that I'm not not making moral commentary on the shooting itself....other than to say it was not a justified shooting. But if you do some reading on the subject (since most of us lack combat experience) is that you can understand why things happen the way they do. I really do suggest that people read that book. That one and The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

u/Meow_19 · 4 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

Have you read ‘The Gift of Fear’? You definitely should. Basically: your instincts are picking up on something that our societal politeness is telling you to ignore. You’re probably dead on that there’s something off here.

Edit: here’s the Amazon link to make it easy -[The Gift of Fear, on Amazon](

u/LucyWyldstyle · 4 pointsr/datingoverthirty

I’ve hyped the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker on reddit before. Stories like this are why every woman should read this book.

u/bcyoucantplan · 3 pointsr/relationships

You should read The Gift of Fear

She sounds unstable to a degree that she would physically harm you. Please be careful in your approach. You don't want to escalate this.

u/dd4tasty · 3 pointsr/creepygaming

Report the pattern?

Just a creeper in a game? No big deal, it's on line and if he wants to creep about the cyber landscape, hey, whatever floats your boat.

But, you are not an IT or on line novice, and "coincidentally", your PS3 is now fucked up, and your internet connection went down--like Palhicuk wants you to do, in a Bee Outfit.

As Gary Oldman says in "Dark Knight", "You're a detective now, you aren't allowed to believe in coincidences."

Your home internet connection was borked. Your disc player is acting weird. Is that common for you? You are rationalizing the irrational.

Like in this book:

You know something creepy is up; that is why you are posting here.

Incidentally, the guy who wrote that book grew up in George Clooney's home after he (not clooney!) was orphaned.

But that is just a strange coincidence of some sort.

u/InsipidCelebrity · 3 pointsr/actuallesbians

Also, yeah, yeah, book recommendations, but here you go (The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker):

Don't be afraid to trust your gut

u/bigbreathein24 · 3 pointsr/AskWomen

I haven't been robbed, but I have caught strangers in my apartment building's hallways that ran pretty quickly. That was enough to shake me. Recently I've been taking self-defense training with a local women's group at the park. I also recommend this book (The Gift of Fear) to help with recognizing dangerous situations. Hopefully this will help in the future if I ever encounter something dangerous in my unit/apartment building.

u/drsuperfly · 3 pointsr/AskReddit

Everyone should read The Gift of Fear but I think you need to read it now. There may be things that the police suggest, such as getting a restraining order, that may make things worse.

u/jfpbookworm · 3 pointsr/

Further reading

Edit: Crap, I think I got the wrong book. I can't remember the title of the other one, but it argues that fear of crime, and especially fear of rape, is used as a method of social control.

u/complimentaryasshole · 3 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

I've been reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker and he says at one point, if you see a woman alone just leave her alone. Even if your intent is to be friendly, the woman doesn't know that and a lot of times will be apprehensive of someone talking to her. I know I would! Like u/sunkissedinfl says below, do it where it's expected. If someone says something to me on the street they'll get a brief acknowledgement and my unbroken pace to keep walking away from them. If I'm at a party or a social event, I'm there to party and socialize so come up and talk to me if I don't talk to you first.

I do highly recommend this book as a bit of insight into what is expected of women vs. what we're allowed to do and not come off as a bitch. If I engage in an effort to be polite it could be considered an invitation that I do not intend to convey. If I don't acknowledge - which is my right as a person - then I'm a bitch. It's a slippery slope we get to slide all over every day.

u/Koriandersalamander · 3 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Just wanted to reach out and say you're not alone. I've been in the same situation since what feels like early childhood. Even once the fog lifted and I escaped my family of origin, I was still trapped in the same behavioral patterns I'd been taught, and so still attracting narcs; looking back at past friendships has been equally eye-opening and appalling. Working hard on myself atm via therapy and education to figure out how to stop this pattern - it's gotten easier, but I think it will always be a work in progress. Two things which helped the most so far:

  1. Learning not to ignore my own gut feelings telling me that something's off, and this person's actions don't match whatever they're claiming about themselves. Being rbn, we're taught literally from birth to doubt ourselves and accept manipulative and even abusive behavior and mindsets as if they were normal - and all so that our nparents' delusions could always be reinforced, and their behavior always excused; so their ego is always gratified, and they're never held accountable for their own actions. (For a lot of us, in fact, we were taught to believe their behavior was our fault, and their problems were our job to fix even as children, so we learned to always blame ourselves instead of placing the responsibility where it belonged.) But those gut feelings exist for a very good reason - even if we can't put the why of them into words, or even quite make sense of them to ourselves just yet, your gut is your most valuable early warning system. Respect it; it's trying to help. It's always a signal for us to step back, think critically, and ask some difficult questions.


  2. I had to learn to stop automatically blaming myself for being "so stupid" or "so spineless" or even "deserving" poor treatment; this is related to the above in re: accepting responsibility for others' behavior. Yes, we do need to be more assertive in protecting our boundaries - but everyone is solely accountable for their own choices, including narcs: you can't "make" anyone abuse you. That was always their own decision, it was never okay no matter what "reason" they gave, and we shouldn't accept the blame for their actions or feel guilty for "letting them" hurt us.

    There have been a lot of resources I've found which have also helped me immensely, so at the risk of being spammy, here are some links:

    Out of the Fog: (understanding the common behaviors in abusive personality disorders and staying sane despite them)

    Issendai's Down the Rabbithole: (understanding the dynamic of abusive parents and adult children, and why escaping them is not only justified but often the only way to heal)

    Pete Walker: (the symptoms of C-PTSD and strategies for managing them)

    The Karpman Drama Triangle: (the dynamics of the abuse cycle and how it often determines the 'role' we play in it)

    and two books:

    Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear:

    Nina W. Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed:

    As for the situation you outline here with this 'friend' and their texts? This is absolutely an attempt to manipulate you into feeling guilty, and so 'obligate' you to placate them - thereby feeding their ego. It's gross and inexcusable behavior, and I'm sorry it's a thing you were even exposed to, let alone have to deal with.

    Here's the good news, though: you don't owe this person anything. Literally nothing. They can shriek their entitled bullshit to the sky until they're blue in the face, and cry their little hearts out over what a victim they think they are for the rest of their lives, and it will change absolutely nothing about the fact that you are not responsible for fixing either their life or their emotions. Period, full stop, end of - and anyone who genuinely valued you as a person and any friendship you've built wouldn't try to treat it like some kind of leverage in order to force you to behave in a way that suits them. Normal, healthy humans don't view relationships as transactional, and they don't treat other people like vending machines, video game NPCs, or any other object that only exists to serve their needs and is obligated to give them whatever they want as long as they press certain buttons. Love is not ownership. Respect is not currency.

    So just keep doing what you're doing. Ignore them. Once they see that they're not getting the attention and soothing they're demanding, they'll move on to another source of supply - because that's all they've ever cared about in the first place. While you, knowing what they really are, can sever ties completely and spend your time with (not on - and certainly not for) people who aren't so broken that they believe they're entitled to abuse others in order to make themselves feel "loved enough".

    All best wishes to you. Stay strong. You deserve a life free from abuse, and filled with all the love, health, and happiness which should have always been yours. Hugs if you want them, and much <3.
u/T-Baaller · 3 pointsr/politics
u/AddictedToComedy · 3 pointsr/3Dprinting

I feel you.

One of the greatest things you can ever do for your safety is to study body language and common indications of an impending attack. People often realize something is "off" about a situation long before it goes too far but don't trust their gut. As it seems you've already realized, it's really easy to second guess yourself in the moment: "I shouldn't be so rude to assume this guy is about to attack me.... OH GOD HE'S ATTACKING ME!"

Offending an innocent person by running away from them is far preferable to allowing an attack that your instincts saw coming. I say this as someone who had a knife to my throat in 2000 because I felt guilty for assuming I was being targeted. I was correct, but I didn't have the courage to trust myself at the time. I had plenty of chance to run before it was too late but didn't want to be "rude."

Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear is great reading.

If you're legally allowed to carry pepper spray in your region, it's far better than a party popper and still not a big deal if you blast someone prematurely. I'm not dismissing the seriousness of using any weapon on the wrong person, but compared to almost anything else, pepper spray carries extremely low risk of doing anyone lasting harm.

Even if laws are very strict, the risk of carrying pepper spray may still be "worth it." You could also consider something with (arguable) plausible deniability like a coin sap. An impact weapon won't be seen as sinister to law enforcement as a blade, carries lower chance of exposing you to someone's blood, and can produce impressive results.

While your gender makes you more of a target, it also works in your favor if you do ever have to answer to police.

If you're not even comfortable with the legal/practical consequence of something like pepper spray, I'd at least opt for a more serious noise-making device than a party popper. I don't think they're really great overall, but those "personal alarms" that wail at 130db are still better than party favors.

If you are comfortable doing so, resistance based training is priceless. By this I mean BJJ, Judo, boxing, etc. Anything where your training partner is actually trying to beat you rather than some of the placebo "rape defense" classes where a padded instructor pretends like a weak kick has crippled them. Not only can these skills be used in a real environment but they will instill confidence and teach you your own limitations.

While violence is a very real concern in some regions, it's fairly hypothetical to most people. This is great for day-to-day living but also means that plenty of training/advice is based on complete guesswork and untested practices. Take everything with an appropriate helping of salt (including everything I've rambled about here) and a critical mind.

I wish you all the best and I hope you never find yourself in a situation where these concerns are applicable.

u/dnew · 3 pointsr/Objectivism

A similar book, except about trusting "gut" danger signals that your rational mind waves off. And how to figure out when your gut feeling is wrong and inappropriate. Very interesting read.

u/yardley101 · 3 pointsr/guns

You screwed up. Interesting how you intuitively suspected that. "Intuition" is surprisingly useful: learn to follow it. For more read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.

As for correct procedure, see this:

"... the transferor/seller may not knowingly transfer a firearm to someone who falls within any of the categories of prohibited persons contained in the GCA. See 18 U.S.C. §§ 922(g) and (n)..."

Next time ask to see the buyer's state driver's license and then ask a few questions: are you a felon, are you a drug addict, etc. as specified by the GCA (same questions as on 4473 form).

u/pipkin227 · 3 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

I hope you see this one, but I've seen this book recomended several times from women who have experienced situations like yours and worse.

It's about where that creepy icky feeling comes from and why it's important that you pay attention to it.

u/Ellistann · 3 pointsr/InsightfulQuestions

You might want to read The Gift of Fear...

u/grannyoldr · 3 pointsr/relationships

Are you sure this ex really has cancer? I bet the dude is faking it to try and get your girl back.

Check your local police department to see if she can get a restraining order against him. There may also be some stalking laws you two can look into to stop him cold.

This book has some great advice about people stalking you.

The Gift of Fear

Their advice is to keep the original cell phone as the "stalker phone." Keep it in a corner plugged up and just let the ex text to no end while she doesn't answer. As long as stalker ex thinks it's her number, he'll just keep going and she won't have to worry about it.

Next she gets two new phone numbers. One is a Google Voice number ( and the other is her new cell phone number. Give everyone who won't spread it to the stalker ex the Google voice number, which can forward all calls to your new cell phone number. If she has to (but the book above doesn't recommend), she can block all his calls and texts via the Google voice number if stalker ex finds out what it is.

u/aop42 · 3 pointsr/martialarts

That's right! Like The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence by Gavin de Becker, where he basically says fear exists to keep us safe, and when we feel something is not right, we should trust it.

u/peacemomma · 2 pointsr/LetsNotMeet

This comment may get lost because there’s so many, but I hope you see it. After reading your account I think you really should read this . I learned enough from it that I believe it saved my life once. Do not ever ignore that bad feeling in your gut, and do not ever think you have to be polite.

u/RoboticElfJedi · 2 pointsr/tifu

For OP and others in this thread, check out the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It's a really interesting book, and the title comes from the wisdom that when you are in a situation and are afraid without knowing quite why it probably means you have unconsciously picked up on some signals that raise a red flag and you should take them seriously. "It takes a lot to creep me out but this guy had a certain vibe to him" sounds like a case study from this book. Run!

Look at this as a good life lesson that could save you in the future!

u/reeksofhavoc · 2 pointsr/news

Ever heard the term "It's all in your head"? That is one reason. Women AND men are conditioned to not rely on their instinct. We don't hunt, gather or run from prey anymore. There is not much reason to protect our children from hungry animals in the night. The population is on auto pilot. Everyone not only has an agenda but they have to be right. If you think for yourself (intuition) you are going against the status quo.

Sometimes the logic can get you into trouble and other times it goes hand in hand with our intuition.

Check out this book if you're interested in knowing more: The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker it explain some of the reasons why men and women, particularly by gender ignore their instinct.

u/billin · 2 pointsr/martialarts

Also along those lines, The Gift of Fear.

u/Kemah · 2 pointsr/AskWomen

She should legitimately just stop talking to him. He's learned that he'll get a response via text from her if he reaches out, which means he doesn't have a reason to stop texting. This could escalate further to trying to get her to see him. His "reward" for texting her is an eventual response, thus feeding more into him texting her.

If she ceased all communication, he'll no longer have a "reward" that he can chase. If he shows up at her house or workplace, then law enforcement should get involved. Otherwise, he's holding her as a prisoner of sorts, and that is no way to live your life.

Check out Gavin de Becker's book The Gift of Fear, which has been linked on reddit plenty of times. It goes into detail much better than I can on why not responding is a MUCH better way of handling situations like this instead of getting roped back in each time. Yall stay safe.

u/RuthCarter · 2 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

I'm so sorry. I've learned that it's hard to say "no" to the Ns in my life but it gets easier with practice. When they tell you to do something, you can respond with "I'm sorry I can't; I have a prior engagement" and then say, "I have to go," and hang up the phone.

You may want to read The Gift of Fear. It's a great book that dissects the many ways people try to manipulate others. One of the best lessons I got from this book is "People who can't hear the word 'no' are trying to control you."

Good luck to you!

u/digitalhoodie · 2 pointsr/AskReddit

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is a really good book for you to read.

First and foremost DO NOT CONTACT THE STALKER. If you contact him, in his twisted mind he sees the price of attention is the behavior that he's done. It sets the clock back to zero. If he was willing to follow you around for 10 years, think of it as an invitation for him to follow you around for at least 10 more.

u/Nongenue · 2 pointsr/exmormon

I cannot recommend this book highly enough. It changed the way I go about my daily life. Seriously.

u/ACoderGirl · 2 pointsr/dataisbeautiful

Assuming ghosted means "a conversation started and then they suddenly stopped replying before we got to a date" (which is actually better labeled "fading", IMO -- ghosting would be the equivalent for after at least one date), it's easy to understand how at least some fades can happen.

First and foremost, people tend to fade out of fear that a concrete "no" will lead to the other person lashing out or otherwise not accepting their answer. Same reason people give out fake numbers or the like, really. A part of the issue is social pressure to "be nice", but lack of knowledge on how to combine this with not wanting to go out with someone. Simply not replying can be the easiest option.

And then for some reasons people would want out:

  1. They get overwhelmed sometimes from too many messages. It's too hard to reply to everyone so they'll just limit it to the most favourable people. It's often too awkward to go back to someone later, long after they first messaged. Or they might just be busy. When I was a student, scheduling dates was at its worst because classes could be so inconsistent and I was a notorious procrastinator. Most fellow students seemed similar.
  2. They start dating/hooking up with someone. I think a great deal of people don't like dating too many at once and even setting up too many dates in a short period of time feels exhausting.
  3. As hard as it is to admit it, you may have gave them bad vibes. I've gotten that a lot. Following your gut is really a natural survival instinct that, while not always rational, does work. There's a very famous book on that. Women are gonna plain be a lot more defensive and cautious because of biological differences and more at risk.
  4. Your messages might not be good for conversation. Conversing online is a bit different from in person. Gotta keep asking questions (that flow naturally from previous ones or statements they make), otherwise the conversation can feel like it takes a lot more effort. One issue honestly can be just being way too generic. The really common ice breaker questions get asked over and over and generic replies sound like you've already talked to that person 5 times.

    Moving to a first date relatively quickly is ideal, IMO. But not too quickly, since you need to give the other person a chance to screen you a little. Personally, I'd say the ideal point is an hour or so of decently paced messaging back and forth (no more than a few minutes between messages). When the messaging gets stretched out, it's more awkward and harder to get "into" the messaging.
u/goofmaster2016 · 2 pointsr/Advice

A lot of people who don't regularly deal with police/law have a trust in them that I don't share. Restraining orders help you legally, but will not stop a determined stalker and could increase the emotional investment they have if they are mentally ill and feel their ego is threatened. Police generally place a pretty low importance on restraining orders regarding keeping a squad on standby for you, and a determined stalker will realize that the police are not very serious. Also know that police arrive to incidents after the fact, rarely before or during.

This guy is first and foremost looking for attention which he psychologically feeds off of. Don’t engage him, don’t talk to him, don’t even lash out at him since he gets fed off of ANY attention from you, positive or negative. The idea is that without any sort of stimuli he will get bored (a super shitty way of thinking about it, but people get bored and move on). Think about safety measures you could implement in your house (if you get a gun, please take some classes so you can actually use it in an emergency and don't get it taken from you), and avoid being alone/in unsafe areas.

The one exception to not engaging, is if he tries to physically stop/assaults you then you want to be as loud as possible and scream, be rude, bite, defend yourself and get away and call the police. Since assault is a criminal offense, they will be required to follow up/charge if you tell them he physically assaulted you.

For your safety I would follow these do’s and don’ts as they apply to you.

Buy the gift of fear, it covers what to do without involving police and is considered one of the best books on stalking. Its
$5 on amazon .

Edit: Document everything as well with a date/time what happened and who can verify if. Video proof works best just make sure that you save it in multiple places and keep the timestamp just in case police "lose it".

u/coralya · 2 pointsr/ForeverAloneWomen

I'm kinda concerned for you that you think he was behaving normally and you just didn't like it because you're "not cut out to have a SO" or "set it your ways." This guy came on way too strong, to the point that I'd be really concerned about how he might behave with a girlfriend.

I'm worried that if you ever do set your mind to getting a boyfriend, you might end up in a dangerous situation because you'll blame red-flag behavior on "oh, I'm just weird and don't like the way guys behave." A book a lot of people recommend to help with this is The Gift of Fear—I've read it and I thought it was really good. Good luck!

u/Tangurena · 2 pointsr/AskMen

Usually dreams like that are about some sense of helplessness in your life. At earlier ages, they're the dreams about going to school totally naked. Or it is finals week and you have to go to a final for a course you forgot to go to all semester long. Or you get to that final and the exam is written in a language you don't understand.

When I was younger (and in high school), we lived in Ireland back when the IRA was actually doing home invasion murder/kidnapping, so this was something our family's friends actually had to plan and prepare for. Some of them worked for the British Embassy, so their homes were fortified. Each home had a bulletproof "safe room" (substantially similar to FEMA's tornado shelters except these were lockable from the inside) where the family could retreat into and lock until the police (actually the "special branch" at that time since the regular police force was not and still is not armed with firearms) could arrive. Other friends of my parents had fled Rhodesia (now called Zimbabwe) during that civil war and others fled Apartheid South Africa. Both countries had armed guerrillas and death squads, which we don't have in the US yet.

In any case, I strongly recommend reading the book The Gift of Fear (wikipedia summary). Many times your intuition (or gut feeling) is picking up signals that you are uncomfortable with. Or that you can't express verbally. And those dreams might just be warning signals that you're ignoring. Or they might just be you showing up to the final exam naked and unprepared (because you left your #2 pencil in your pants, wherever they are).

Other books that may help you to start to understand how violence my happen and what you can do to protect yourself (mostly it is never getting into such a situation, but sometime you can defuse it verbally) are Facing Violence (this book is focused on the onset of violence and dealing with the first few seconds) and Scaling Force: Dynamic Decision Making Under Threat of Violence (this book does show how voice and "presence" can prevent an ugly situation from escalating into violence). I recommend reading them before you sign up for self defense classes.

u/Ekman-ish · 2 pointsr/videos

The Gift of Fear

If you do read it, try not to freak yourself out. Some of the stories from victims are pretty rough but necessary to highlight potentially dangerous situations.

u/ST2K · 2 pointsr/

An excellent book on personal safety is Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear.

It's super-cheap now that it's in paperback. I highly encourage every woman to read this and to anyone else who is concerned for their personal safety.

u/puddingcat_1013 · 2 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

Wow, I'm glad you're OK. That's really scary. I'm sure its totally normal to feel hypervigilant after that kind of trauma, so be gentle with yourself. Talk to your therapist, maybe they have some suggestions of exercises to do? Positive self talk, telling yourself you're OK, you're safe, when you're feeling scared. Or maybe go the active route and take a self defense class? Whatever you do, it will take time to feel normal again. And that's totally normal.

There's a great book called The Gift of Fear. Check it out

Hang in there.

u/k9centipede · 2 pointsr/relationships

you should read this book.

I'd just keep an eye out for warning signs and make sure you keep open communications with her. You've expressed your unease already so I'd keep quiet because if he is an awesome dude, it'll just be awkward, and if he isn't an awesome dude, he'll use it as an excuse to isolate her from you.

you could also do some sleuthing, google his name and see what information about him you can find. it might either reveal some bad past she didn't know about, or the fact that you don't find anything might give you a sense of ease.

u/oooohweeeee · 2 pointsr/AskParents

I’m super late but hey neighbor!

Yeah, it’s definitely a case by case scenario thing.

There’s this book called The Gift Of Fear that I plan on giving to my niece when she gets to be a teen that basically teaches you how to follow your instincts in certain situations and stay safe. You got some time before your little one will be able to read it lol but maybe you can check it out and give him the same lessons as he grows up. I think that’s the route I’m going to take.

u/SwiggyBloodlust · 2 pointsr/JUSTNOMIL

Get this book, The Gift of Fear ASAP. Your local library will have it.


You probably know this but remember if you want to thoroghly delete Reddit accounts you have to delete all your posts individually then nuke it. Otherwise your posts still show up just without a handle.

u/Klowned · 2 pointsr/worldnews

If 98% of the population was Muslim then the crime rate wouldn't be rising so rapidly. It's the culture clash causing the problem.

My post is in cultural manipulation. It's not something you'd be consciously aware happening. You'd just find yourself instinctively stepping to the defense of migrant criminals when someone is attempting to hold them accountable for their actions. You'd find yourself assuming someone is just a bigot when they infer a correlation between migrants and crime. If you ever even considered the possibility migrants and crime might be related you'd never say that shit outloud because you'd feel ashamed of your racist intrusive thoughts. That's not what racism is, but actually that's your primal fear instinctively trying to save you from a potentially chaotic situation.

u/NeonHazard · 2 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

I second having OP read "The Gift of Fear" . My mom made me read it when I was a teenager, and it was eye-opening and very liberating.
Plus it's a good read, not difficult or boring at all.

Please give it a look, OP. Check it out from your local library or find a pdf online.

u/Pixelated_Penguin · 2 pointsr/LosAngeles

What is a "good school" to you?

For my kids, academics are... well, academic. ;-) He will learn more at home than at school; it's a given just because of who his parents are. He learns interesting and useful things, gets practice in important skills, and helps ensure our local school doesn't lose money due to low test scores. Good enough for me.

What else is "good" about our school? It's a community anchor. Local businesses contribute and participate. There are two afterschool enrichment programs, one of which is need-based, the other which offers scholarships, but is paid (both are run by non-profits). He can walk there. His friends from his classes and the playground live nearby. He has peers who are representative of the Los Angeles population and all its diversity. He meets families with much and with little, who live in nice houses and small apartments, who expect college and hope for high school.

As for safety... I think that, with a few exceptions, safety has a lot more to do with an individual's behavior than with crime statistics. Gavin deBecker's books The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift have more on this. has an interface for viewing crime statistics for various neighborhoods. You might find that interesting. What you will find, though, is that every neighborhood has crime. Just remember that those fun little maps aren't the whole story.

You might also browse the forums at There's people freaking out about crime on there, of course... but you'll find that's tinged with undercurrents of racism. :-/ People who complain about crime in a LOT of neighborhoods are really complaining about people of color, and the supposed impact of them on the "quality" of a place.

u/tealhill · 2 pointsr/MenGetRapedToo

She definitely took advantage of you. Not cool. :(

> ... care aide worker ...
> If the situation was reversed and it was an Older Man picking up a very drunk and very financially poor woman and then offering sketchy drugs and accepting oral sex while that woman was still really drunk and high, when she did not realistically have the means to get home safe, then that man would be reviled and possibly charged with crimes, possibly tossed from his job, especially if he worked with vulnerable persons.
> But I dont really think anyone will belive me, or hear me.

It might be worth a try.

Telling her company

You could report the matter to her company. If you do this, you could start with her boss. If this doesn't help, you could gradually work your way up the chain of command, even to the CEO of the company or your state or province's department of health. It might not work, but it still might be worth trying.

Trauma therapy

If you want money for trauma therapy and/or other professional counseling:

  • You could try to sue her in small-claims court for sexual assault. You don't need a lawyer to do this. Still, it's wise to get some advice from a lawyer before launching any lawsuit. Many (but not all) lawyers will give you the first half-hour of advice for free. It's easier to win in small-claims court than in criminal court.

  • If you wish, you could also try to apply for victims' compensation. You might need to file a police report first, but you might not need to press criminal charges.

    Unwanted romantic pursuit

    /u/TakeOnMe-TakeOnMe is right. We don't yet know whether or not she actually will stalk you.

    The book The Gift of Fear has some good advice about dealing with unwanted romantic pursuit and/or stalking, in case it does happen. See, for example, the chapter, "Persistence, Persistence". Your local public library system probably owns lots of copies of the book; the paperback is about $5 on Amazon.

    I think it'd be useful to tell her, once, early on, that you're not romantically interested in her at all. You can explain that this is because you two are "not a good match".

    Your drinking

    Early in your post, you expressed dismay about your drinking. If you want to cut down or quit, and you want suggestions, please let me know.


    Please keep us updated.

u/fucema · 2 pointsr/guns

Thanks for sharing man.

Your post and these lines in particular

> I thought for a moment about crossing the street a second time once I reached the other side, but there still seemed to be a significant amount of foot traffic and I did not want to appear racist or like I was obviously attempting to avoid them. That was my first mistake.


> I didn't listen to my gut instinct about a situation - evolution has honed those instincts into us all for a reason, it served our ancestors well, and we should respect it. Screw society or perceived racism. I will not end up as a victim again because I'm afraid of hurting someone's feelings.

reminds me of a great book I read, The Gift of Fear, by Gavin DeBecker. I ignored the author's antigun bias and got a lot of good things from reading it. This is a solid book and one I gift/recommend to many of my female friends in particular.

u/-25T · 1 pointr/Trufemcels

The Gift of Fear is a book you should read. Another is [When I Say No, I Feel Guilty]( which is even more important. The first focuses on trusting yourself and the second is about asserting yourself.

u/tgeliot · 1 pointr/IAmA

I have just been reading a book called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. This dude knows more about this kind of thing than the rest of us put together. I strongly recommend you take immediate precautions for your safety (locks, maybe even staying at a friend's house, etc.) and read the chapter called "I was only trying to let him down easy" in this book. Much of what he recommends is not what I would have guessed, and likely no what you would guess. Even if you don't follow his advice, you need to know what he has to say here.

u/THATASSH0LE · 1 pointr/ProtectAndServe

Buy this book

Domestic Violence is a bad deal.You need to get ahead of this. TPO's are good, but not shithead-proof.

u/SavageHenry0311 · 1 pointr/SelfDefense

I'm a paramedic in the ghetto, and my flashlight has saved me (and the nasty folks the cops would tune up for jumping me) more times than I can count.

A flashlight is "street language" for "I am a legitimate citizen who is supposed to be here, is hiding nothing, and I might be a government employee..."

In a sketchy area at night, if I had to choose only one (for whatever dumb reason) between my pistol and a bright flashlight, I'd pick the flashlight.

Some advice about your wife's friend -

Strike while the iron's hot. Buy her this book and one other from the "other readers bought" list and y'all have a little book club talk about it. This is a great opportunity to get your wife on board with this stuff, too.

And everybody sign up for some Krav classes from a legit gym! Even if you folks only go for 3 months, you'll be better off than before (especially the gals). I teach a lot of women from "Intro to Krav" on up through their Level 2 certification, and they almost all "freeze up" when it comes to actually striking another human being. Seriously, we'll work out, practice some techniques, then I'll put on a Red Man suit and "attack"....and they can't bring themselves to strike me. It's a barrier that needs to be broken through for them to be safe from the two-legged predators that sometimes show up. My guess is it takes on average 5-20 hours of instruction to undo this societal conditioning.

u/um_yeah_no · 1 pointr/AskReddit

I really recommend reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Beyond that, I think you should consider talking to a professional about why you are having such anxieties; getting a dog or alarm system or learning karate is only going to put a band aid on what seems like is a deeply rooted anxiety/fear for you. You need to figure out what is causing your fear and deal with that. Best of luck to you.

u/ragingfartalot · 1 pointr/pussypassdenied

Always listen to (or at least heavily consider) your intuition on things like this. It's rarely ever wrong.

Here is a good book I've read on this subject: "The Gift of Fear."

u/averagePi · 1 pointr/brasil

Já leu The Gift of Fear? Fala sobre aqueles sinais que todos nós temos que indicam que tem "alguma coisa errada" em determinadas situações. É muito útil pra qualquer pessoa. Eu sei que tem em português mas não lembro o título.

u/map_backwards · 1 pointr/malementalhealth

The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker

  • Amazon Link

    Overview (partial copy/pasta from amazon): In this empowering book, Gavin de Becker[...] shows you how to spot even subtle signs of danger—before it's too late. Shattering the myth that most violent acts are unpredictable, de Becker[...] offers specific ways to protect yourself and those you love, to act when approached by a stranger...when you should fear someone close to you...what to do if you are being to uncover the source of anonymous threats or phone calls...the biggest mistake you can make with a threatening person...and more. Learn to spot the danger signals others miss. It might just save your life.

    I am a female redditor so /u/Powerspawn, if you or the community rather I be a quiet observer for now feel free to remove the comment. However I do think this book is a wonderful tool for those working on their mental health. I grew up in a dysfunctional family situation (to put it nicely) and from a young age was taught to not only doubt myself, but to give unearned trust and respect to people in perceived positions of power. This book was a great supplement to a lot of the other work I've been doing to reclaim myself for me.
u/ReasonablyAssured · 1 pointr/desmoines

“Security”. A bunch of geriatrics walking around in a uniform. They have never made me feel safe. Best solution is to be aware of your surroundings and trust your instincts. If you feel uncomfortable around a person or group, trust that instinct. The Gift of Fear is an excellent read

u/derspiny · 1 pointr/legaladvice

I trust you to judge your partner better than anyone, but if he's throwing things at you, I'm afraid I don't share your optimism about his capacity for more direct violence against you or against your kids. Be safe. Trust your fear. If you can, stay with a friend or with family, but I assume you already considered that.

From a legal perspective, Ontario's landlord and tenant laws are somewhat weak in this area. They're written to assume that a rental unit is tenanted by a single tenant or a single group of tenants, who are either individually or jointly responsible to the same landlord. They do handle sublets - but only total sublets, where the master tenant moves out and allows a subtenant to move in. That isn't the case here; you rent from your ex, but you also live with him in the rental unit.

What is clear, even without doing much case-law research, is that he can't just show up and throw you out. If he's honest with the police that that's why he wants them to come, they're very likely to tell him it's a civil matter, or to send an officer to check on the situation in case of a domestic disturbance, but they're not going to come and kick you out.

You're right to be concerned that he could lie. It's a criminal offence - public mischief, specifically - to make a false police report, but a convincing false report could still create some temporary trouble for you before it's all cleared up. Fortunately, the police have seen toxic relationships before, and generally understand that it's not their job to referee your personal lives: without any other evidence, such as bruises or witness testimony, it's unlikely they'll do more than caution both of you.

Conversely, the fact that your ex is throwing things at you is against the law, on top of being a huge warning sign. It likely falls under assault, if there's any indication he intended to hit you and missed, or mischief, or both. I'd generally recommend making a police report immediately - like, call 911 - every time he throws something at you, but you're the only person who can decide whether you want to bring the police into the situation.

u/ObiWanBiscotti · 1 pointr/ems

Read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.

Be aware of people trying to pull the "mentor" card.

Know how to take a joke, but know when to take a stand (especially if you end up working in the fire service). If someone gives you shit and it's part of a fun working relationship, great. If someone genuinely sees you as less-than because you're a woman, or if someone treats you like a sexual object, there's a problem.

Lastly, practice all the general world-safety you likely already do. If you go on a date with a coworker (which I do not recommend for a variety of reasons), practice all your usual date safety practices - just because they're an EMT/firefighter/cop/dispatcher/flufflysnufflybear, that doesn't make them safe, full-stop.

u/zissue · 1 pointr/funny
u/thesecondkira · 1 pointr/IAmA

People recommended The Gift of Fear to Melissa elsewhere ITT. I would recommend it to you as well. Internet hug.

u/redly · 1 pointr/canadaguns

Perhaps you have already read this, but I have recommended this book to a lot of my friends after it was a prize at a workshop dealing with a toxic and potentially violent work situation. I realize that this was nothing compared to your experience, but self protection is self protection.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. He is a security professional who provides services to people who can afford to pay his ( presumably high) prices. e.g. You will see de Becker security trucks around movie productions in your town.

u/bradrulez69 · 1 pointr/booksuggestions

Well, this book isn't a fictionalized account of stalking, but The Gift of Fear is a book that details the psychological motives an effects of violence (including stalking). Its also sort of a self help book. It gets recommended on /r/LetsNotMeet all the time.

u/pranksterturtle · 1 pointr/AskReddit

As another small woman, I'd be happy to talk you through the process of getting a concealed handgun permit (if it's legal in your state, etc etc). Along with good situational awareness, it's pretty much the only way we can hope to defend ourselves against random attacks like this barring years of ninja classes.

I would also suggest reading The Gift of Fear. It turns out than many attacks of this type start with the attacker being especially "nice" and helping the victim with something (usually unsolicited).

u/coqane · 1 pointr/Stalking

nice doesn't work with stalkers. read this book. if you have zero interest in the guy and if you find his attentions creepy the best option is to thoroughly ignore him. any attention or response you give, just fuels his hope and the stalking may escalate.

u/melonlollicholypop · 1 pointr/AmItheAsshole

Definitely not the asshole.

Please read this book: The Gift of Fear

u/The_Pink_Fink · 1 pointr/conspiracy_commons

On one hand, I think you have experienced one or two unique coincidences and then your mind came up with this idea. Now, you have latched on to it and are subconciously looking to confirm it. I recommend you read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker, which will help you be more perceptive to details you may be overlooking, in this situation and others.

On the second hand, there is no technology whereby a person's thoughts can be seen or read. Only yourself and your Creator know your thoughts. Fallen angels may be able to as well. They can certainly influence your thoughts and are keenly sensitive to a human's reactions and are able to interpret them and predict behavior correctly. There exists overwhelming evidence to demonstrate the connection between world leaders and occultic behaviors.

Perhaps this is the beginning of an active campaign wherein the deep state, working with demonic forces, are seeking to create fear and the belief in their all-knowing, all powerfulness -the result being that people are fearful of standing up for what is right. Consider this scenario: You are watching YT, some video about girls dancing. Halfway through the video you are reminded by one girl's pink leotard that you saw a cute pair of pink earrings you think your girlfriend may like, in the store two days ago. The demon which has been following you around and saw you looking at them is the one who put the thought into your mind. He communicates this thought to another demon an hundred miles away, who is sitting unseen on a YT server somewhere. This demon manipulates the data stream so the next video that pops up is one about pink jewelry. Along this line of seemingly crazy and absurd thinking, let me also recommend you read the excellent novels by Frank Peretti: "This Present Darkness" and "Piercing the Darkness" -both of which do a great job fleshing out the battles and shenanigans which go unseen, everyday.

u/Yer_Third_Turd · 1 pointr/houston

Get a book called "Gift of Fear". Excellent advice on dealing with stalkers and violent people who won't let go.

u/SenorBurns · 1 pointr/TwoXChromosomes

Trust your gut. There's an entire book called "The Gift of Fear" that talks about how your gut feelings are telling you important information that can protect you.

I don't know why you're getting downvoted. Apparently you're supposed to ignore what your brain and body are telling you and get yourself alone with someone who has set off multiple alarm bells. Let me list them.

  • 20+ years your senior

  • calls you pet names even though you don't know each other

  • didn't take no for an answer

  • seems to be asking for one-on-one time with you even though he's married and you don't know him (or his wife?) beyond pleasantries

    That all screams "You in danger, girl."
u/anon35202 · 1 pointr/learnmath

I've read that book several times and it's excellent, much of my brain is running principles defined there. Buy it twice, one for yourself and one for the cousin as well. It's in my top 15 favorite books.

If you enjoy it and are sad once you read it all and there isn't any more, get this one which is equally mind blowing:

Other ideas for books everyone in the world needs to read:

u/Kalashnikov124 · 1 pointr/confession

I highly recommend a book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It's a book that's often recommended in /r/relationships. The tag line is:

True fear is a gift.
Unwarranted fear is a curse.
Learn how to tell the difference.

I think it would be perfect for you.

u/xunsmdlo · -1 pointsr/argentina

Yo creo lo mejor es una pistola táser. Cualquier experto en defensa personal te va a decir que, en un enfrentamiento físico, la distancia relativa a tu atacante equivale a mayor seguridad, y las armas de electrochoque tienen el doble de alcance que los aerosoles de pimienta. También le recomendaría a tu novia que se lea The Gift of Fear de Gavin de Becker, un consultor en seguridad personal y violencia contra la mujer.

u/no_talent_ass_clown · -1 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

Before he got to you, imagine how many girls shot him down immediately. Of course he thought you were going to be okay with him because you didn't. This should give you the idea that it's okay to shoot people down right away if you're uncomfortable, or even if you just want your table to yourself. Because everyone does it.

That said, I have (or had) the same problem. Sometimes my judgment lapses and I'm nicer than I should be, or for too long, or just with the wrong guy.

There's a book, "The Gift of Fear", by Gavin de Becker. Download it, read it. It's made me a much safer, albeit meaner, person but I'll take meaner and alive over nicer and a headline any day.

u/kimota68 · -9 pointsr/cringepics

If anybody knows the woman involved, could you please get her to read The Gift of Fear? Her willingness to re-engage after he hits her up x number of times instead of giving an absolute plonk makes me fear for her in terms of future instances of guys like this in her life.