Top products from r/offmychest

So what's your plan? Ok, that's kinda cruel. I'll help.

On a sheet of lined paper, grab a pen and draw a line down the middle. On one side (your choice. see, things are looking up already!) write "things I like to do". On the other side, write "things I'm good at".

Take your time, it's not a contest. Omit nothing. The smallest item may hold the key to your future happiness. Where the two lists overlap (hopefully) or approach each other is the area in which you will find the most personal satisfaction in work.

Start the rough outline of a one-year plan. You have NO plan now. So even the roughest set of goals is an improvement. Plans can be changed, altered, revamped, reversed, lots of things. But ya gotta have a fecking plan on where you want to be in a year. Now, a famous American Football coach once said "Once you set a goal for yourself, the price you pay is immaterial." Another way of saying this is "If you really want it, you can get it. I am proof it's true, but that's a story for a different time and mood.

Secondly, a five-year plan. Same story. Rough better than none. But have some goals. Challenge yourself. Do you want to work on becoming a "better, smoother version of you?" Of course. Now read carefully: What is it that makes a virtuoso violinist? Or makes Louis Armstrong sound so good on that trumpet? Yes. Practice. Are you ready for your challenge? OK

Do something every day that scares you. Nothing major. But you have a problem approaching women, yes? OK, here's the plan. In front of the mirror, work on your most genuine "Hi, There" face/smile. Get it? Practice looking friendly. You don't know what you look like to other people. So practice. And once a day, ask a woman if she knows what the time is. With your "Hi There" face. Usually she will tell you. You thank her and go on your way, no sideways glances, no staring. After a couple of dozen times doing this, you will no longer be afraid of approaching women!

Now start practcing some smiles, and just in case check out this book. It's probably available at the library.

Chin up.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Sounds like my past marriage. No one can tell you what is the right move. The question is, do you want this to work? Do you really really want to run or do you want to work it out? If you want to make it work, it sounds like you both need to go to marriage counseling. It will be rough for both of you but not impossible.

If you are truly ready to be done and never see her again. Tell her. Most likely she'll want time to work it out. Again, up to you. If you leave, it will be rough as well.

Another note, it might be worth reading "5 love languages" I know it sounds cheesy but it could help.

Best of luck. From my experience it got worse but it will get better. :D

A great read [Lies at the Altar] (http://www.amazon.com/Lies-Altar-Truth-About-Marriages/dp/B001Q3M5GC). Basically the premise of the entire book is that your BF/GF who was a dick before you walk to the altar...is the very same dick after you say your wedding vows. You had misgivings with this guy before you decided to be his wife. SMDH.

Seek marital counseling. Both of you. If you both would like to save this marriage then you both need to gain tools to nurture this, and gain some skills in communicating better with one another. If he does not want to go to counseling then I am sorry, a marriage is a partnership and if one partner is unhappy and the other is unwilling to help or at least address or acknowledge this, then this is not a marriage that can survive happily.

Another good read Five Love Languages

Mom might have some mental health issues going on, but it's important to understand that it isn't (never was, never will be) your fault.


At your age, this book might be a little heavy for you, but please find someone to speak with about it. You don't want to hold resentment which will affect your life and health - best to purge it and get your life healthy and on track so that you can have a bright future, with or without her. There are plenty of places that you can go to talk to someone - try Kids Help Phone (if you're in Canada) 1-800-668-6868 - anonymous, free and non-judgmental.


https://www.amazon.ca/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436

If you haven't read it, the book Attached is a great layman's guide to attachment styles in romantic relationships. It focuses extensively on the avoidant-anxious pairing and speaks in depth about the challenges faced in such a relationship. I think you will find it extremely relatable. Even if $10 sounds like a lot to spend on a book, please consider all the relief that comes with not feeling alone and understanding what's going on.


Some people come into relationships with anxious attachment styles, but I've seen many secure people turn anxious after a long enough committed relationship with an avoidant attachment style. I recommend this book often as a basic intro to looking at relationships as a phenomenon.

Looks like you got the guts to stand up for yourself. Be proud of that.

If you need to know more how to cope and get support, here's a good author for you

Good luck and godspeed learning how to spread your wings and fly without this emotional abuser trying to keep you down.

EDIT: Here's another book author that could be helpful.

I don't want to take it upon myself to diagnose anything, but I do want to recommend a book to you that you can check out and see if it is helpful:

http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1368672565&sr=8-1&keywords=narcissistic+mothers

How you describe your mom, especially how she spoke ill of you when you were working hard to take care of your family and doing the things she should have been, that really reminded me of the narcissistic traits/tendencies discussed in this book.

Anyway - hope it's helpful.

You should try psychedelics. In many test cases, subjects who use such substances (especially psilocybin mushrooms) in a clinical setting report greatly reduced fear of death. Please check out this book on the subject by the science writer Michael Pollan,

https://www.amazon.com/Change-Your-Mind-Consciousness-Transcendence/dp/1594204225

Here are some recent podcasts the author has appeared on to discuss the book. The discussion focused on the positive impact of medicinal psychedelic use amongst terminally ill patients:

From the Joe Rogan Experience:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tz4CrWE_P0g

From the Waking Up Podcast:

https://samharris.org/podcasts/127-freedom-known/

I really hope this helps. As humans we’re all united by the common struggle with our own mortality, and I wish you all the best in enjoying your life. Hang in there :)

I am not a therapist by any means but there were a couple of books my therapist had me read which really changed a lot of my thought processes.

They were

• reinventing your life
  
• the body keeps score
  
• complex ptsd
  
  The first one is really great for pretty much anyone. Teaches you what your lifetraps are and how to break free from them. The other two are more if you have a lot of trauma in your childhood. Not necessarily sexual.

Very helpful book recommended to my by my therapist. Check it out.

It's an easy ready, jargon-free, and started having positive effects by the time I had finished the first chapter.

If you have the resources, I would definitely look into counseling. Someone will help give you the tools to reshape your thinking for the better.

Or, purchase the book Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. It deals with cognitive distortions, which it sounds like you're having a difficult time with.

hugs

I hope things get better.

There's a book that helped me. You may find it in the library. This is what it looks like. Hundreds of reviews here. It was recommended to me by my therapist. It's jargon-free, and an "easy read".

Give yourself a chance. Good luck.

You missed one.

Real mental health awareness means treating it like the rest of a person's health.

In Canada it blows my mind (pun unintended) that mental health isn't covered by our health care system.

I would like to recommend a book to a fellow introvert it's called Quiet, it's a very good book on introverts.

heh, I have to chuckle. Tell ya what; you can get L-theanine at most drug stores and/or health food stores.
Don't buy GABA itself; it is too large a molecule to pass through the blood/brain barrier (think of it as a bag with teeeny holes in it, that holds your brain; cocaine CAN pass through, Aspirin can and L-theanine can. Once inside the brain - the brain takes the L-theanine and makes it INTO GABA.
take a look at the book "how to win friends and influence people" another good book is http://www.amazon.com/Anxiety-Phobia-Workbook-Edmund-Bourne/dp/1572248912

That's awesome you've working on the company. That's a pretty huge accomplishment and a great way to feel busy.

You asked if this was adulthood... like most things there's a range of "normal". I'm 38 and I've been like this as long as I can remember...sure I too miss the days of playing networked games till 2am in college but I'm happy with my life and where I am.

Have you seen this book on introverts? There's nothing wrong with seeking within...

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0307352153

Finally, I know you said you don't like alcohol and I'm in no way telling you to start but I find that having a drink with friends tends to "loosen" me up. I'm one of those who never knows what to say or comes up with witty lines hours after they're appropriate. I don't drink at home alone and I hate beer. I usually have one mixed drink.

I'd like to recommend to all my fellow Bros out there a book called 'She Comes First' by Ian Kerner.

This fucking book is the bible of not just going down on your girl, but of understanding how to physically please her.

It takes into consideration all the comments I've seen here and much, much more.

So yea, check it out! :)

http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260

You definitely look hot enough to date to me. And I am white, but in general I don't care about race. IDK about other people or how it is like there. It may be due to how you approach relationships. I would recommend a good book on it called Attached : https://www.amazon.co.uk/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-Help/dp/1585429139/ref=sr_1_1/260-2524764-8112836?ie=UTF8&qid=1538464459&sr=8-1&keywords=book+attached

I'm just some dude on the internet, so I'm afraid I can't offer you much.

I am a fan of Buddhist thinking. One part of that is the idea that you get too invested in how you want things to be, or how other people act in ways that you don't like. All the anger comes from inside your own head and ego and judgements you make. It's said that you have to let go of judging. Of course, as I've found myself, it's far easier to say it than to practice it.

I will recommend a book, though. I'm halfway through it and really like everything I've read so far: The Antidote: Happiness for people who can't stand positive thinking.

Sounds similar to something a friend went through. She found this book very helpful. http://www.amazon.com/The-Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-recognize/dp/1440504636

You sound a little bit like me a few years ago. What you have to do is examine how your behaviors are being received by those around you.

What is most likely happening is you are probably giving off a vibe that you're just not interested. This is not necessarily a bad thing, because once you realize that you're doing it you'll be able to turn it off at will. This ability to turn it off can be used to your advantage in many situations. It can boost the effectiveness of you being picky, while also helping you still get the girl you want.

I used to do that all the time, what would happen is I didn't make my intentions clear and therefore the girl would take that as I just wanted to be platonic. It's actually pretty easy to make your intentions clear through socializing without being a douche, you just need to learn how and practice.

One more thing that might help you is reading this book. Not everything in that book will be relevant to you, but there are plenty of things in there you can implement in your life that will help you get what you want. This book does not teach you how to be a douche, it just highlights the ways that many dudes act that is counterproductive to their goals.

Other than that, /u/NoMoreDesks is absolutely right. A girl will come along that will make you want to overcome those barriers no matter what you do!

Edit: My bad, didn't register the NAW tag.

I'm not /u/bradiation but got here Ctrl+F'ing for Stoicism.

Try https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/0195374614/ as a starting point. It wasn't actually mine; https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/0865479410/ was which is also really good, though not specifically about Stoicism.

He will likely experience PTSD in one form or another - the seemingly strangest things can trigger it (a smell, a song that was on in the background, hell, locking a door could be a trigger since it sounds like it was one of the last things he did before finding his friend). This may be a helpful read for you, so you can be aware of what he might be going through, understand what to possibly expect, that sort of thing.

So sorry for your husband's loss, and good luck to you as you navigate helping him heal.

I was just listening to a podcast the other day about this. They talked about this book. I haven’t read it, but maybe it could help you.

Frozen play along recorder set!!!

Edit: Found it

Someone recommended this book here, and I found it really helpful:
http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336

Give the first few chapters a try, seriously.

You can do it!

Check out this book: Why Does He Do That? . It will strengthen your resolve to no longer put up with the way he is treating you and the kids.

For the girl, consider this, it’s a learn how to play Flute with songs from Frozen.


Frozen - Recorder Fun!: Pack with Songbook and Instrument https://www.amazon.com/dp/1495013057/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_fzo-BbF6N2GX0

He needs therapy beyond anger management. Something like cognitive behavioral therapy would be more helpful.

Here's an amateur attempt at psychoanalysis, take with a grain of salt: your brother feels like a loser, whether he admits it to himself or not. He's living at home at age 31, and probably has no real prospects or way out of this situation.

The red pill obsession is a kind of fantasy - a way to feel powerful in his mind, and if it were to actually work, a way to take back some measure of power in the real world.

However, when reality challenges this fantasy - for example when his little sister doesn't do what he says and give him the automatic respect he believes he deserves as an "alpha" - the fantasy starts to unravel. Since his self-worth is tied up in the fantasy, there's no easy way out of the conflict - if he accepts your behavior, he has to accept that he's not an alpha, which leaves him back to being a loser. A tantrum is the response to this irreconcilable situation.

To break out of this, he's going to need to confront his situation more realistically. That's very difficult without outside help. His real problem is not an anger problem, it's a problem dealing with the reality of his life, and unfortunately to do that he's chosen a fantasy that's unlikely to truly help.

Somebody else in the thread mentioned stoicism. That would be a much more healthy approach to his situation. A good intro book to this is The Obstacle is the Way

maybe you can learn to. there's a book that could be very useful, and it's basically about learning to identify your thought patterns and see where they're leading you when you start to worry or ruminate on things (really the basics of cognitive - behavioral therapy, also known as CBT). https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336 I

You should check out the Ryan Holiday Book The Obstacle is the Way (Amazon Link). It will change your life.

Read this.
http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

Seriously, read it.

Try The New Jim Crow.

http://www.amazon.com/New-Jim-Crow-Incarceration-Colorblindness/dp/1595586431/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374067596&sr=1-1&keywords=the+new+jim+crow

Read these:

http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-God-Method-2nd-Edition/dp/0557036488

Look into reading this:

http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

Yup, I can't disagree with you. I've thought this way for a long time. Others might disagree, but there are other people out there who think this. I came across a whole book about it.

Welcome to the family!

Awhile ago I read "A Guide to the Good life". http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0195374614/

I took some notes on things that I felt were good/memorable. Your post reminded me of one:

"When we interact with an annoying person, we keep in mind that there are doubtless people who find us to be annoying. More generally, when we find ourselves irritated by someoneʼs shortcomings, we should pause to reflect on our own shortcomings."

>I had a really bad feeling.

And you thankfully listened to it.

This book:

https://www.amazon.com/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198

>The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence

Says over and over again: trust your gut. It's tens of thousands of years of survival instinct.

Could it have been: van driver kind of sucks as a driver, and you knew that?

Or you know this group is too careless when together?

Something. When I read the title, I thought it would be people drank so much they ended up in the hospital.

You were right to trust your gut instinct, or your premonition, or whatever it was. Doesn't matter, you're not dead.

The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness
http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/1595586431

This is one of the most eye-opening books I've ever read, AND she uses research to back up a lot of her claims. Really worth the read. Though I did have to keep putting it down because I'd get too pissed off to read.

hey you should check out this Feeling Good by David Burns. It really helped me with dealing with negative thinking and low self-worth. Give it a try.

http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1426205540&sr=8-1&keywords=feeling+good+david+burns

Someone mentioned it below, and I second their suggestion. The New Jim Crow is a fascinating book that explains quite a lot, particularly regarding the War on Drugs (god I hate that name) and it's effects on the black community. I'm white and that book changed my entire perception of "black culture" and the culture of poverty.

I've had anxiety too and don't like conflict. This book helped me: The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572248912/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_p4vzxb46WD28K

We are going to see that movie today, I'll be on the lookout for any nasty people!

As other's mentioned, you need a therapist. This isn't something you can work through alone and no one can tell you everything you need to know on a subreddit. But the one thing I see in others comments and I'll echo myself, what you are experiencing is very common for anyone who has survived sexual assault - even though it's really confusing mentally your body doesn't process things mentally, your body processes all of its experiences physically and the human body is designed to respond to sexual stimulation. Full stop. Even when you don't consent to it.

Rape is rape because you did not consent to it. You were exposed to sexual imagery and assault before you were mentally mature enough to comprehend or consent. It is perfectly normal and natural for sexual assault victims to feel, do and experience what you have been going through - because like I said, the body processes things differently, the mind however doesn't understand and has trouble reconciling how your body reacted to something you didn't want to happen and it creates a state of cognitive dissonance and the brain further tries to solve this "problem" by making mentally boxing it into one category or the other - but it's just not that simple.

You will find very few answers to the problems this has created for you by thinking it through. So much of the process is physically in your body where the assault occurred and emotionally where you responded to the assault - it's a long complicated process that must be overseen by a professional - think of it the same you would as if you needed physical therapy after breaking your leg. You wouldn't really know what you needed to do to heal from that, what exercises would strengthen and hurt - you need someone to guide you through the process.

I am so sorry that this happened to you and that the fallout is affecting your ability to have intimate and satisfying relationships as an adult. You're not alone - others have walked down this path too and it does get better with time, therapy, and self-care.

You can talk to someone now at RAINN: National Sexual Assault HotlineCall 1-800-656-4673 and they can help you find a therapist experienced in assault in your area.

This comment doesn't have to do with the OP's post, but I think people who don't have children are probably better parents than those that do. That includes my own (parents).

Is there a non-selfish reason for having children to begin with? Hell do most parents even ask themselves if they should have children? Doubtful, people just have them w/o any thought for the children.

http://www.amazon.com/Better-Never-Have-Been-Existence/dp/0199549265

>Most people believe that they were either benefited or at least not harmed by being brought into existence. Thus, if they ever do reflect on whether they should bring others into existence---rather than having children without even thinking about whether they should---they presume that they do them no harm. Better Never to Have Been challenges these assumptions. David Benatar argues that coming into existence is always a serious harm. Although the good things in one's life make one's life go better than it otherwise would have gone, one could not have been deprived by their absence if one had not existed. Those who never exist cannot be deprived. However, by coming into existence one does suffer quite serious harms that could not have befallen one had one not come into existence. Drawing on the relevant psychological literature, the author shows that there are a number of well-documented features of human psychology that explain why people systematically overestimate the quality of their lives and why they are thus resistant to the suggestion that they were seriously harmed by being brought into existence.The author then argues for the 'anti-natal' view---that it is always wrong to have children---and he shows that combining the anti-natal view with common pro-choice views about foetal moral status yield a "pro-death" view about abortion (at the earlier stages of gestation). Anti-natalism also implies that it would be better if humanity became extinct. Although counter-intuitive for many, that implication is defended, not least by showing that it solves many conundrums of moral theory about population.

Yeah!

My stepmom pulled that shit on me. She's obese and short. Around the time I was going through puberty I had an awkward, slightly chubby phase. I don't think I was ever considered medically overweight, though. I had always been self-conscious about my appearance, as I had been taller than all the other kids for years and got boobs and hips early and that shit was awkward.

Anyway, when I first met her, she would make really weird comments about my appearance. I was 10 or 11 or so, but she would tell me that I had sexy legs or that I looked hot in certain outfits. I don't know, the legs thing could have been envy/an attempt at a compliment do to her family being all Greek and stumpy, but it's still a really odd thing to say to a child. As I got older and began to develop further she would start suggesting that I was gaining too much weight. She told me that I should weigh myself every morning completely naked. The reason for morning being that apparently people weigh a little less in the morning than in the afternoon. She said the proper weight for someone who if 5ft tall is 100 lbs, and 5 pounds for every inch after that. For instance, I was probably about 5'4'' around then. If I weighed anything more or less it was the wrong weight. This is totally discounting frame size, acceptable ranges, body fat percentages, etc.

During middle school I became slightly chubby. Nothing spectacular. Middle school in an ugly pit and I still had a little bit more growing to do. My stepmother began buying me clothes that were way too big, and if I tried on something that wasn't a potato sack she would declare it too small. So I was not allowed to show that I had a shape besides "brick" and she wanted to convince me that I wore a women's size 16. Going shopping with her was awful, as she would make me try hundreds of things on and then pick apart exactly how they didn't fit and were too "clingy" and showed how fat of a tummy I had or whatever. She wouldn't let me go into the dressing room alone and would very forcefully "help" me get the clothing on. I didn't like shopping to begin with, but she had a special talent at making it worse. She would then start trying to convince me to go on a diet so that boys would like me and so I wouldn't have to shop at the "big girl store" like she did.

Eventually, I got obsessed with my weight. I was already depressed as fuck because I had no friends and middle school is shitty and I missed my real mom (blah blah blah sad) and started meticulously counting my calories in an attempt to lose weight. I would try to get less than 1000 per day and mentally beat myself up if I ate any more than that. I don't remember how much weight I lost and I never became underweight, but the whole thing made me even more tired and depressed than I was before and I stopped after a few months. My stepmom started obsessively commenting on that, too, and made a bunch of passive-aggressive "proud" comments. Of course, this didn't stop her from commenting excessively on how I had pimples or that she thought my teeth were too yellow or that she thought my hair was ugly or that I had dry skin or that she didn't like what I wore or that she thought I should wear makeup and get plastic surgery (My boobs are sort of asymmetrical and she thought that insurance would pay for a "reconstructive" boob job. She wanted me to be able to show nicer cleavage for my future husband.)

Essentially, she is and was jealous of me and yours is likely jealous of you. I have just about the same body type that you described for yourself, and you know what, we're fucking pretty. My stepmom shows a lot of symptoms for narcissistic personality disorder, and your mom might, too. I'm reading this. You might want to, as well.

Anyway, sorry, that was a rant. I could have done my own offmychest post with that! Sorry!

You are basing your argument from your conclusion. Let's take this in order.

> You can create hypothetical future scenarios as much as you'd like (ignoring the reality of alcohol and crime) but it is fantasy.

Advocating for policy changes that are sensible and match what other civilized countries are doing is not a fantasy. Calling it such shows your inherent contempt for change, for whatever reason.

> Drug users have a huge economic need and maintaining a drug habit with a work schedule is next to impossible. Often drug users must resort to criminal means to supply very expensive drugs on a reoccurring basis.

Perhaps you've been victimized by a drug user. I am sorry if that is the case. But the crime of theft, robbery, or worse, is separate from the crime of drug possession, purchase, and use. Those truly are without a 3rd party victim in the way theft and robbery are not. Although you will not believe it, I promise you that the majority of drug users are not criminals apart from their drug use and are not addicts either. You are conflating addiction with use, a common mistake. Here's a start on that

> Often dealers are allured to the money but get attracted to the drugs. They begin to use also. Suddenly you're carrying a gun to 'protect yourself from others', which is often sold behind doors. Now you have a powerful, drug addicted, fearful person with a gun watching their back. No wonder so many lives are lost in the fight for revenge or money.

Again, these crimes are separate crimes. That drug sales and use led to them is obviously a problem with drugs, but if drugs were sold in Wal-mart next to the beer and wine, there might be a different story. If drug addiction was treated like alcoholism, there might be less crime, less criminals, and less economic waste.

Your explanation for the downward spiral that accompanies drug use is not untrue, but your characterization of a "culture" is racial and not cultural. I do not see the above arguments suggesting that changing the laws will fix everything, merely that changing the law is an important first step.

> he US has the highest incarceration rate in the world just because a single culture won't accept that the laws that exist today apply to them. You started off your argument that if we changed the laws all of the crime would stop. These same laws have applied to other races, many very poor, and only one group hasn't changed.

White drug users outnumber or equal black drug users in almost every drug category. Yet incarceration rates are heavily shifted towards blacks because if unequal policing, unequal charging, and unequal sentencing. These are accepted truths of TODAY. You don't need to take my word for it..

Your view is clearly inherently biased against one race and based on false suppositions about the facts and speculations about cultures you cannot know about. Hispanic communities have suffered the same downward spiral as black communities, perhaps just not in the neighborhoods you've seen.