Reddit reviews Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

If you believe the argument put forth by Drs. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate in their book Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers, it's at least partially because of peer orientation. I recommend the book. Not sure how well it is received, but I really liked it.

I share your frustrations wholeheartedly. The fact that there are people in this world that were unwanted and unplanned for completely baffles me and is something that I view as a serious crime against humanity.
Your point about children and low self-esteem is a huge issue that I believe to be near the root of the problem. However, I believe a further question must be asked: Why are parents absent from the lives of their children, and as a consequence, why are children forced to look for attention and attachment through their peers and online communities?
The answer to this, I fancy, can be found through systemic causation; that being our capitalist system.

If you're interested, this book explains goes through the point you made about children and the loss sound emotional support.
http://www.amazon.com/Hold-On-Your-Kids-Parents/dp/0375760288


This lecture (Gabor Mate) goes through the bio/psycho/social injustices of our economic system.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AaAJQR_9Dg8

I'm reading a really interesting book on how our culture has shifted from parent orientation to peer orientation since WWII and how it is playing out poorly for youth, even when we were the youth. I've paralleled what they've said to the struggles I had as a teen and it does appear to be spot on.

This is the book: Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

And here is from Amazon:

International authority on child development Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D., joins forces with bestselling author Gabor Maté, M.D., to tackle one of the most disturbing trends of our time: Children today looking to their peers for direction—their values, identity, and codes of behavior. This “peer orientation” undermines family cohesion, interferes with healthy development, and fosters a hostile and sexualized youth culture. Children end up becoming overly conformist, desensitized, and alienated, and being “cool” matters more to them than anything else. 
  

Hold On to Your Kids explains the causes of this crucial breakdown of parental influence—and demonstrates ways to “reattach” to sons and daughters, establish the proper hierarchy in the home, make kids feel safe and understood, and earn back your children’s loyalty and love. This updated edition also specifically addresses the unprecedented parenting challenges posed by the rise of digital devices and social media. By helping to reawaken instincts innate to us all, Neufeld and Maté will empower parents to be what nature intended: a true source of contact, security, and warmth for their children.

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>She said it just was too boring - yet she stated she is a very proud mom and loves her baby more than anything.

If the shaping of a human being, teaching them, guiding them, and enjoying watching them grow is "boring" - you shouldn't have them. Nothing wrong with it not being for you, but this half-ass approach is tragic. This kid will get dumped into the cesspool that is daycare, and soon enough they'll wonder why the kid wants to spend time with friends instead of them, ya know, the people they are actually attached and bonded to.

> You can manage to be a "half-time mum" and have a "half-time career" - that adds up. But you can not have both of it in the "full-time version". Yet, people brag about this.

Underrated comment.

If you're ever looking for a good resource on this to give to any aspiring parents, this book, while a bit long and repetitive, is invaluable.

I assume this is it: Hold on to your kids : why parents need to matter more than peers / Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté. link

On the shelf at my local library. I'll get a copy tomorrow. The title is certainly aimed at my question.

Many thanks!

> Disadvantages of daycare? Unless you're putting the child in a shitty facility its better for the kid.

A lot of research would disagree with you. Kids who go to daycare are at risk of peer bonding with their classmates, rather than finding secure attachment with their primary caregivers.

And the average daycare worker makes slightly above minimum wage. Do you think these people, who cannot even offer 1 on 1 support, can replace the emotional development a stay at home mother could provide? Notice I don't say would provide, I said could.

Oddly, there is support for daycare being good if parents favor corporal punishment, as daycares are barred from that, so kids can actually fare better there.

But let's be honest, what is the point of having a child if you want to outsource the kid's development during its most formative years to someone else?

> I won’t ever come to an epiphany

There's no epiphany. 20, 40, 60, 80 it's the same trial and error to find out what works. Happiness comes from working at being happy, as long as your brain works okay.

You could get busy reading a few books on child development and applying them.

https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375760288/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1510712228&sr=8-2&keywords=attachment+parenting+teens&dpID=5103hwIT8SL&preST=_SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&dpSrc=srch

https://www.amazon.com/Integrative-Parenting-Strategies-Children-Attachment/dp/0393708179/ref=sr_1_14?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1510712487&sr=8-14&keywords=attachment+parenting

A teenager isn't a "child" in the strict sense, but generally, those are good books and it's not hard to apply them to teens.

It seems like more is going on. Were you ever assessed for mood disorders?