Reddit reviews Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child The Heart of Parenting

A great place to start is John Gottman's book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. Here's the link:

https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Emotionally-Intelligent-Child-Parenting/dp/0684838656

I'll also just add on making sure your kiddo has access to mental health services if they ever need them. I work in the field and have met plenty of people who have various mental health issues as a major barrier to their well-being or success.

I find these comments beyond disturbing. People actually defending hitting little humans as a means to alter their behavior. I have a 3 year old who has never been hit and a 6month old who will never be hit. My wife and I are constantly praised at how well our child listens. Which is absurd. The last thing we want is a child that blindly follows what he is told. Our child listens to us because we've treated him with respect his whole life. We've built trust with him. There are limits that need to be enforced, but enforcement does not mean punishment. Hopefully a 4yr old is not allowed to play by himself on a yard that faces a street. It's the parents job to set up a safe environment for a child play in, its not the child's job to be able to determine which areas he can play in and not get killed.

I equate hitting children to lazy parenting.

At times parenting without things like spanking can be challenging, because it leads to kids with a stronger will and less blind acceptance of authority. But in the long run it will lead to a happier more self sufficient adult.

I was spanked as a child, I've also been present when other's have spanked their children. I have never witnessed a spanking that was not emotionally charged. Meaning the parents reach a "point" where they need to "teach" the child something. So you have a situation of high emotion, both in the parent and in the child, then the parent basically says (with their actions) that "you do what you are told" or I will have no compassion for you. Not only that, but I will physically impose my will on you until you comply. Being an emotionally charged situation allows it to very easily lead into something more violent than "simple spanking".

It is "easier" to hit a kid when they don't do want you want. And it will alter their behavior. Using fear to impose your will on a child will lead to fearful adults. Take a look at our culture. American culture runs on fear. I do not find this coincidental.

Sweden has had a ban on corporal punishment since 1979, and as of 2012, 24 other countries have banned it as well. So it is quite possible to raise kids without hitting them.

Another question you should ask yourself is whether punishing child makes sense at all.

Some resources:

Unconditional Parenting

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child

EDIT Grammar, readability.

I liked John Gottman’s Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child The Heart of Parenting .

Your kid is great. Your MIL sucks donkey balls.

I don't think for a minute you got lucky with DD. Empathy may be part of her nature but you have clearly encouraged her emotional intelligence.

Spanking, in my experience, teaches kids to fear the punishment rather than to learn critical thinking and empathy. Kids will start being sneaky and lying to avoid punishment, rather than being honest with their parents and open to learning better behaviors.

Spanking teaches kids that violence is an acceptable solution to annoyance, frustration, and anger. Especially at young ages, parents' decisions seem arbitrary. They see mom and dad getting upset, and then they get hit. So then they go to school, and when another kid bothers them, they hit the kid.

Additionally, spanked kids have a much harder time dealing with other kinds of discipline. If they get treated with the most extreme option for everything, nothing else works. They're impossible to deal with in the classroom, as they know the teacher won't spank them. And spanking becomes the only thing they will listen to.

Read "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" by John Gottman. It goes into all the scientific research on how spanking is harmful to children and their development, and teaches positive methods that actually work.

Lots of comments about redirection. Redirection is a good thing for sure; however, without a crucial first step, simply redirecting is an emotionally dismissing parental style. Let me explain. Children cry because something is wrong or upsetting them. Granted, the issue is often trivial to us as parents who have experienced "real" pains and griefs like losing a job, a car crash, losing a loved one. Yet for the child, they lack that perspective. Couple that lack of experience with a developing brain that can't understand the why of things plus a fledgling stress management system, suddenly you've got the perfect recipe for crying over what seems like silly things to us.

The problem with only redirecting is that it doesn't teach the child how to handle their negative emotions like sadness or anger. The subtle message is they shouldn't listen or attend to their negative emotions. Also, the unspoken message is the parent doesn't care. Obviously that isn't true; parents care a great deal and hate seeing their children hurting. Imagine if every time you felt down and wanted to talk to your friend or spouse, they kept changing the subject. Eventually you'd stop opening up to them.

Help the child learn to label the emotion. Empathize with them. Yes, it would make me sad or upset if my ice cream fell on the sidewalk. I would feel mad too if someone talked bad about me on the playground, etc. THEN help the child brainstorm socially acceptable ways of handling the situation. This method helps kids learn how to handle their emotions while the stakes are low. As they grow and life becomes more complex, their ability to self-soothe and handle their negative emotions in a healthy manner grows with them.

There is significant research that backs up this approach called Emotion Coaching. Children who receive this type of guidance from their parents do better in school, make friends easier, experience fewer behavioral problems, and even get sick less. Pick up the book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by Dr. John Gottman to read more about his interesting research into parent-child interactions and the effects of different parenting styles.

As the father of two little girls, this is a really cute video though. :)

Yes. I didn't recognize my mom as a narcissist until after I had a baby (who's now a toddler), but I think about this a lot now. I'm actively working on it by reading a lot of books on how to be a good parent, like No Bad Kids and Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. I've also been talking about this worry with my therapist. She pointed out that I'm approaching empathetic parenting with intention, so that already seems to set me apart from my mom. That makes me feel like I'm on the right path.

I've also been thinking lately about how my mom and my MIL, who is also a narcissist, expect my husband and I (and our siblings) to take care of them. They're not infirm or anything - they've acted like that our entire lives. I remind myself frequently that it's my job to take care of my kid, not the other way around. When he acts out, it's because he's having a hard time. It's not something he's doing to me.

To be honest, it is sometimes a challenge. Even when I feel like I'm doing everything right, I wonder if he'll feel more positive about me than I do about my mom when he gets to be my age. But working on my relationship with him isn't draining in the way that my relationship with my mom is. I feel like all the hard work I put into myself and my relationship with him will pay dividends. If he knows I love him for who he is, I will have succeeded.

There was a book I read that I need to go back through: http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Emotionally-Intelligent-Child-Gottman/dp/0684838656

It's by the same guy who wrote Emotional IQ years ago.

Some of me working through it is trying to not create a schedule in my mind. For example, last night when I got home from work, there were 2 things that needed to get done 1. Son's karate class and 2. Get my daughter's bike for her birthday today.

In addition to that, I had some work that I could do on my laptop, I wanted to watch at least some of the Thursday Night Football game, I wanted to watch The Office and probably should do some dishes.

If I go home trying to get all those things done, I rush past my kids. If I go home and say "I'm going to spend time with the kids tonight." Then I'm able to learn more about their emotional state. If I don't watch any TV or do any work, that's all right. I can do work after they go to bed, and NBC puts the Office online so I can watch it then.

That's been part of my goal, just spending time with the kids with no objective or alterior motive. For example, my daughter wants to read a book, then we should read a book. I should NOT take this opportunity to teach her about conjugating verbs :)

I'd say that's been my biggest shortfall, is I'm too objective oriented and so I don't relate.


Advice for you, CHANGE THE DIAPERS!!!! I didn't. In part because my wife wanted to spend that time with our kids and in part because I didn't want to deal with poop :) However, changing the diapers helps you create a bond between your child and you. It sounds silly, it sounds ridiculous, but I can testify first hand that it's true.

I'm developing a relationship with both my kids now but I've got to think it would have been easier if I would have helped more on those "small" tasks.

Here, this one is on emotion coaching

https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Emotionally-Intelligent-Child-Parenting/dp/0684838656