Reddit reviews The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships

I am highly read up and researched on trauma bonds because I am trying to break the one I am addicted to with my abusive STBXH. I physically wanted to be with him after we had the ugliest divorce, custody and criminal battles. I had to find out what the fuck my problem was and trauma bonds is it. J+D parallel our lives in a lot of ways so let me list the reasons why it’s so strong (from the amazing book The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships

1. When there are repetitive cycles of abuse
   
   
2. When the victim and the victimizer believe in their own uniqueness
   
   
3. When high intensity is mistaken for intimacy
   
   
4. When there is confusion about love
   
   
5. When there are increasing amounts of fear
   
   
6. When children are faced with terror
   
   
7. When there is a history of abuse
   
   
8. When exploitation endures over time
   
   
9. When the community family or social structure reacts in the extremes
   
   
10. When there is a familiar role and script to be fulfilled
    
    
11. When victims and victimizers switch roles of rescue and abuse

Hey, I'm really sorry that you had to go through that and that you're still suffering. I saw this posted in a thread a couple days ago and it really resonated with me:

credit to /u/Zombie-Process

One of the things that really stayed with me from social work grad school was a professor saying, offhandedly, that it's remarkable that so many people stay in touch with their parents. It's absolutely normal to divorce an abusive spouse, leave a toxic work environment, unfriend a mean friend -- but almost nobody cuts off their parents, even though a tremendous number of parents are abusive.

It kind of made me wonder if a lot of people would be better off "divorcing" their families.

Edit: Yo, thanks for the gold! I didn't even come up with this, lol. But seriously -- BIG LOVE to all y'all out there dealing with shitty family situations. You are not alone. If you're into reading, The Betrayal Bond is about breaking the cycles of abuse, and if you're dealing with your own or a loved one's substance abuse issues, Staying Sober is a good place to start. PM me anytime, I don't know shit about anything but I'm always here to talk. xoxo

If she is a verified narc, you are in extreme denial about where this is headed and what she can do. For the sake of your children and the future please snap out of it yesterday..

Check out this site by a diagnosed narc. There are good articles on how to leave. Also read the book "betrayal bonds" And yeah, a super lawyer. And money. Lots of money. More money than you can possibly imagine.

Perhaps you might still be standing after this is through...

This book covers some heavy topics, but it's relevant and explains a lot of what you're going through. It also explains why people who have had one abusive relationship end up in more abusive relationships. This book provides some tools to help you work through your trauma (ideally with a qualified therapist) and help you from getting into a cycle of abusive relationships.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1558745262/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

If he tries to hurt you again, report him to the police.

Trigger Warning - References to forms of abuse in the summary of a book.

This is the single most important I book that I have read while in I have been recovery from PTSD, available at Amazon: The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Carnes Ph.D., Patrick.

"Exploitive relationships can create trauma bonds--chains that link a victim to someone who is dangerous to them. Divorce, employee relations, litigation of any type, incest and child abuse, family and marital systems, domestic violence, hostage negotiations, kidnapping, professional exploitation and religious abuse are all areas of trauma bonding. All these relationships share one thing: they are situations of incredible intensity or importance where there is an exploitation of trust or power.

In The Betrayal Bond Patrick Carnes presents an in-depth study of these relationships, why they form, who is most susceptible, and how they become so powerful. He shows how to recognize when traumatic bonding has occurred and gives a checklist for examining relationships. He then provides steps to safely extricate from these relationships.

This is a book you will turn to again and again for inspiration and insight, while professionals will find it an invaluable reference work"

My parents abused me in every way imaginable. This book was recommended to me while I was receiving inpatient care about 14 years ago. It was invaluable. I believe that you will be able to answer your question after reading it.

I came to forgive my parents but not to have a relationship with them. Mother is still alive. I want her to be better and have support but it will not be from me.

I commend you for your courage and compassion. I wish you the best of peace and joy in your life.

Yeah, this is hard circle to square. I love the person who hurt me so much, and yet all I get from that relationship is pain. If I could just hate her, I think it would be easier in a way. Instead there is this cognitive dissonance. My brain knows what's what, but my body and my autonomous nervous system don't. Trauma bonding is definitely a big part of this. But knowing about this stuff isn't making it much better and I'm totally frustrated and exasperated with myself. I want to move forward but its like perpetually stuck in the past and there doesn't seem to be any clear way out.

I haven't read these books, but just found them recommended elsewhere:
The Betrayal Bond
https://www.amazon.com/Betrayal-Bond-Breaking-Exploitive-Relationships/dp/1558745262/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1467215619&sr=8-1&keywords=the+betrayal+bond

The Emotional Rape Syndrome and how to survive and avoid it
https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Rape-Syndrome-Ph-D-Michael/dp/1681397633/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1467215740&sr=8-1&keywords=the+emotional+rape+syndrome