Reddit reviews The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, 20th Anniversary Edition

This internet stranger is proud of you. Like, really proud. Saying it out loud for the first time is the hardest step to take. And you did it.

You don't own your mother's behavior. As an abuse survivor, it is easy to think that the abuse is a "shameful secret" -- but it is actually your mother's secret. She is the one who should be ashamed. You did nothing wrong. You were taken advantage of. That is not on you.

A book that has helped me a lot is The Courage to Heal. The authors also wrote another book called Beginning to Heal, which may also be helpful if you are just starting out. Therapy is always indicated when trying to work through sexual abuse, so if you are able, I encourage you to look for someone who deals with childhood trauma.

You are right about needing to take care of yourself. Listen to your body. If you are tired, rest. If you are hungry, eat. If you need to be alone, honor that. Don't push yourself too hard. Take things off your plate so you have room to process your feelings. It may be overwhelming, and that's normal. Journaling may help. But working through these things is taxing, and so it's important for you to acknowledge and honor how hard this is. Whatever comes up is part of the healing process. Don't push it away.

Hugs if you want them.

First of all, thank you for taking a vested interest in the healing of your daughter. You are both in my thoughts and I hope you both begin to heal (don't discount your own trauma, please, you need to take care of yourself).

Well, I was a very angry child. My mother knew that my sisters had been sexually abused and although she did not tell me, she wanted me to go to therapy to address it. They just kind of waited for something to naturally come up. I was probably 13 at this time. I told my therapist that I kept having this reoccurring dream about grandpa in the bathroom, and that it would make me sick, but it was probably nothing.

I am not dumb, so I was able to piece things together. My oldest sister was vocal about being a child sexual abuse survivor, and my grandfather was eventually jailed for raping another girl in his neighborhood. As an adult, I reasoned that it probably happened to me, but I could not confirm this. That's what really messed me up.

It wasn't until two years ago, at age 24, that I point-blank asked my mom if I was raped as a child. And she told me that when I was three years old, I told her that my grandpa raped me. She had told my dad, but my dad thought I was maybe echoing something I'd read or watched on TV. They could not process it at that time and as they learned what actually happened, they had hoped that I had forgotten it, because I did not bring it up again. What they didn't know is that I had learned that adults would not protect me.

I hope some of that helps. I just rambled a bit. But it took a while for me to realize the full impact of what happened, and although it was contributing to my life unraveling, it didn't truly feel real until I got confirmation. BUT, once that happened, I was able to move on.

Here are some books that have helped me:

I Can't Get Over It: A Handbook for Trauma Survivors

Growing Beyond Survival: A Self-Help Toolkit for Managing Traumatic Stress

The Courage to Heal - This one is very graphic and includes real stories of CSA. I would wait until she is older.

Childhood sexual abuse and assault, like he experienced, is often a huge issue for people's sexuality later in life. Especially when their body responds to the sexual stimulation as a child, even if they didn't consent to it (and that is extremely common)

It can be harder for boys, because of societal beliefs that they should be happy and grateful for this kind of sexual attention from adult women.

There are a lot of therapists who help people heal from sexual trauma like this, and some great self help books out there too, if he wants to go that route.


Edit:

This is my go-to list of rape recovery and sexual abuse recovery self-help books, including some of the precious few books for male victims, as well.

The Rape Recovery Handbook: Step-by-Step Help for Survivors of Sexual Assault by Aphrodite Matsakis

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The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz

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Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines

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The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse Laura Davis & Ellen Bass

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Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child Laura Davis

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Coming Home to Passion: Restoring Loving Sexuality in Couples with Histories of Childhood Trauma and Neglect by Ruth Cohn

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk

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Victims No Longer: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering from Sexual Child Abuse by Mike Lew

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Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuseby Mic Hunter

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Don't Tell: The Sexual Abuse of Boys by Michel Dorais

Hi. I'm allosexual and male, and don't experience the world the way that you do, so, while I don't think it is possible to "become more asexual", I do think that this is a pattern of thought that you can change, if it isn't serving you.

The thought pattern, as I'd identify it, is that you have "sex" as a goal in a way that is objectifying to women, and your mind has developed a bit of an obsessive/compulsive nature to it.

Let's see, some specific suggestions:

1. Change your masturbation "stroke" material from porn to something more natural. For example, you might switch from porn to reading erotica or watching camgirls. Pick girls who are a long way from "goal", or are otherwise not actively performing sexual acts for the camera.
   
   
2. Interact with women you don't want to fuck. Concentrate on establishing a safe, platonic relationship with them. This means picking people you aren't attracted to, possibly even well outside of your age group or usual social circle, or somebody who will not be sexually attracted to you, full stop. Befriend a lesbian or an ace. Visit a retirement home. Chat with an unpopular girl. Make friends with a women in a long-term relationship or marriage. Focus on keeping your actions platonic, and your feelings platonic. You are aiming for the friend-zone; make sure you hit the mark.
   
   
3. Read a book whose target audience is sexual abuse victims. amazon.com - The Courage to Heal is pretty damn sobering.
   
   
4. Replace some of your porn/masturbation time with some of your "things I want to do". In particular, the exercise you say you want to do will help you cope with stress, and tire you out enough that you sleep soundly.
   
   
5. Ditch "alpha"/"beta" from your verbiage and mental dialogue. When you catch yourself thinking, speaking, or writing about the concept, stop yourself. If you can, replace "alpha" with "interesting", "competent", and "confident" as male goal-states.
   
   
6. Accept and embrace your sexuality. Don't let yourself overcorrect from this to thinking that a connected sexual relationship isn't what you want. Read some of /r/deadbedrooms in order to understand what a prolonged exposure to a sexless relationship can do to a high libido allosexual's self-esteem. Learn to recognize the red flags, so that when you do get into a relationship, you don't lock yourself into an unsatisfying long-term relationship or marriage.
   
   
7. Find a therapist who can help you work through this. When you've identified thought patterns that do not serve you, or are getting in the way of your dreams, that is the time when a therapist can really dig in and help you to teach yourself new ways of thinking that do serve you.
   
   Good luck.

I am so sorry for what you had to endure. That is terrible.

I am really sorry to tell you this, but you were molested. I'm not sure where you are in coming to terms with that, but this writing makes it very clear. And in your mind, it may be "when there's nothing sexual here", but to a reader, it seems highly sexual. Molestation and sexual abuse perpetrated by women often show women using enema's as a form of abuse based on how receiving an enema has similarities to anal sex. And, if there was nothing sexual, you would not have had to be stripped. Biting a child, or a teen, there may be some gray area of your mom not knowing what she was doing or not understanding the harm she caused, but the enema stuff shows she knew it was wrong, and did it anyway. I am so sorry.

As a social worker for several years, I can say the confusion you are going through is totally normal. Talking about it at all takes a lot of courage.

I'd suggest seeing a therapist, or calling a hotline. If talking about it feels like too much at this point, maybe I can suggest a book? Check out "The courage to heal" by Helen Bass. It helped me, and I recommend it to my clients often. You can buy it on amazon. https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-Survivors-Sexual-Anniversary/dp/0061284335/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_img_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=63C109BZN8PZYHFD8GVT

I'm so sorry you endured that :( your family let you down immensely. you're not alone with that kind of trauma though. I was sexually abused during the same ages as you.


you should definitely see a therapist- get one that says they're explicitly "trauma-informed" . A big part of CPTSD is feeling like you're unworthy of care. But you need a pro to help you because this is diffficult. You can become your best self for your family and I think your husband would agree that's not a waste or an inconvenience. :)

Another thing is to start accepting that your dad will never understand or change or admit he did wrong. You know him the best obviously so maybe I'm wrong, but if he's like other malignant narcissists, you'll just keep hurting yourself if you try to get validation from him. its more helpful to focus on processing feelings and fixing unhealthy behaviors than on trying to get an abuser to repent or acknowledge what they did. not gonna happen.

💚💚💚💚

also here's a big book on recovering from childhood sexual abuse for women that's helped me a lot.

Then you don't understand sexual abuse. Because it's not about sex.

Try reading these:

https://www.amazon.com/Allies-Healing-Person-Sexually-Abused/dp/0060968834/ref=pd_sim_14_2/139-5807525-0898809?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0060968834&pd_rd_r=4ed473f4-3886-11e9-bebf-15ead0be056d&pd_rd_w=rVP00&pd_rd_wg=M8qjl&pf_rd_p=90485860-83e9-4fd9-b838-b28a9b7fda30&pf_rd_r=R2E3M0FJZDWF3Q2D88D5&psc=1&refRID=R2E3M0FJZDWF3Q2D88D5
https://www.amazon.com/Victims-No-Longer-Classic-Recovering/dp/006053026X

https://www.amazon.com/Leaping-Upon-Mountains-Proclaiming-Victory/dp/155643345X

https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-Survivors-Sexual-Anniversary/dp/0061284335

https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Healing-Journey-Guide-Survivors/dp/0062130730/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=YN4YXWX6258K7EBPPMX4

Your family sexually abused you. She violated your body, your boundaries. She ignored your protests. She gaslighted you. She mocked you. As an adult, she failed to protect you. This is not okay, not then, not now, not ever. That is sexual abuse, and it was wrong of her to do. I am very sorry you had to go through this. I am angry for you.

Went through a similar experience with my family, and you’re not alone. Feeling like you’re gross, dirty, nauseated, silenced... it’s sadly all too common with sexual abuse survivors. I’m sorry. I went through EMDR & therapy to work through my trauma which has helped a lot, so I’d def suggest that. Also try to get your hands on this book and this book . <3

I feel your pain. My wife was molested as a kid by her father from the ages of 4-10. I've known her since we were 15 and have known about it since then as well. I haven't read all the comments on here yet, and I'm sure that they are almost all great advice. Since my wife and I have talked about this for so long, I can tell you that your pain will never go away. You have to find a way to cope with it as it will always be there. The best way to do this is to talk about it. I would say that you talk about it as much as possible. Find someone that will listen, no matter who it is. I know you don't need someone to help you fix the situation (although I would suggest you talk to the authorities and turn your grandfather in...its never too late), but you do need someone to listen.

One of the best tools that helped both my wife and I cope with her situation is reading this book. I read it to know exactly how to talk and listen to her as well as to let her know that we are both in it together. There is a lot of insight as well as information in it to help.

That is all the advice I can offer. I hope that you find your method of coping. As I said, this unfortunately will never go away :(

Repressed Memories - fascinating & a real eye-opener for me
Secret Survivors - primarily about incest survivors (don't rule it out yet), but a lot of good info about general abuse
The Courage to Heal - Geared towards women, but good general info too. In many of the featured stories, people experienced horrific abuse and didn't remember it for years

I hope this helps. I encourage you to at least explore it a bit. You can always stop. One book I read (not one of these) took me a couple months because it was so intense and personal for me. Good luck!

I agree with another commenter here--if you don't have a therapist, get one. CSA and other traumas are very hard to recover from without help. There's a self-help book you might find helpful, The Courage to Heal, which is made by people who have experienced of CSA for people who have experienced CSA. I haven't gone through a lot of it (it isn't something that you can fly through), but what I've read is really validating. Triggering, but validating.

Look for another job, if you can. If you think that the problem is your depression, not the job itself, then wait to commit to leaving, maybe, until after you start sorting stuff out. Depression makes it hard to find jobs in general appealing.

I'm sorry that you've gone through so much.

piggbacking here with a late comment in case anyone finds this useful, already sent as PM to OP
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hey there,

bit late but I couldn't comment at the time.

First of all - I have a little idea what it going on for you. There was a time in my life when it seemed like everyone close to me had been molested, my parents, my family my friends, girlfriend, lovers. It was insane and ridiculous, and was part of a pretty major breakdown that I had in my early 20's.

In hindsight, I think that one of the reasons this happened is that any kind of child abuse seeks to be heard, understood and integrated into life. If it not remembered (very common) or buried in the "can't think about it" places (also common), it will struggle to get out in other ways - especially by attracting oneself to other people with similar feelings and struggles. By doing this, the psyche moves forward. But it feels crazy, and so much pain and awfulness can come out so quickly, that feeling like you're losing your mind can be one of the easiest parts :(

As other people have suggested, a trusted therapist is essential, but I have read you don't have much money - that was a huge issue for me too, so I'll drop a couple of things here that helped for me. Everyone's different so they may not work for you, etc, etc.

• Take care of yourself. The hardest one first of course. Self-hatred is a possibly your favourite feeling, so much so that it isn't even recognisable as such, and comes out in terrible self-sabotage, by trusting hurtful people, not taking care of the physical body, etc.
  
  
• Try and find an ethic of being a loving and compassionate parent to yourself. Sexual abuse is usually about a power betrayal - an authority figure who should be looking out for you uses their trust as a cover to hurt you, to wield power over you. One of the way you can reverse this damage to your development is to be your own parent.
  
  
• Educate yourself about other people's struggles with the same issues - try the book - "courage to heal" http://www.amazon.com/The-Courage-Heal-Survivors-Anniversary/dp/0061284335 I used this book as a guy and it was like coming home - I finally felt understood, and understood so many things that it remains to this day one of the biggest catalysts for my recovery. I do not know if it considered today to be useful or contemporary as a tool though. Should be in a local library. Kind of a recovery manual.
  
  
• Most people who have been abused will be extremely susceptible to dissociation. Plenty to look up online for this one, basically it means that during a traumatic event your brain ceases to process a lot of body signals and vice versa, in order to cope with the trauma. This is normal - but in cases of abuse, daily life can be traumatic and so the split between body and mind is habitualised and become a way of being all the time. This causes numbness, depression, loss of feeling, and others. Soldier's get a form of this - PTSD.
  
  
• So - do anything you can to be more in your body. Yoga is sensational for this (can be done online like www.doyogawithme.com) and meditation are also very good. But at the most basic, exercise and mindfulness are essential to recovery. Echhart Tolle's books are great for this (power of now).
  
  
• Be wary of addictions of any kind as they will usually have some numbing effect that will increase the dissociation. Ironically of course, many people who have been abused will self-medicate to numb intense painful feelings - this might need attention all on its own.
  
  
• And be aware that all this stuff may increase symptoms! Be very careful, sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between progress and regressions, and sometimes both are necessary. Many parts of the recovery path are contradictory which is why everyone has recommended a therapist.
  
  
• My advice would be find one person you can trust for their honesty. Say to them "Promise me if you think I'm getting too depressed, or I seem suicidal, or I seem like I'm losing this battle - TELL ME." Sometimes it's very hard to see any kind of big picture from the inside. Having a person like this will help.
  
  Lastly this will probably take time. It might be over soon, but likely this stuff is so big, you will be dealing with it in some form for many years to come.
  
  So take it slow, love and be kind to yourself first, and do something each day to move yourself forwards no matter how small.
  
  love and light to your journey - feel free to PM me if you want to chat about anything.