Reddit reviews The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships
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The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00FJGNVG0/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_e.qCDbFMJ03G2
Or just go ogling any sort of resources like that.
Someone I know made a doc that they would pull out and work their way through with some thought exercises to help them when they were feeling jealous or insecure. Here's a copy/paste of the Google doc:
Jealousy/Insecurity To-Do
Is my partner feeling happiness, excitement, joy, newness, etc? Do I want to take that away from them? Do I want to keep myself from experiencing those same things?
Do I feel secure in my relationship? Why or why not?
Do I actually need this time alone?
I’m probably feeling possessive. Do I want to be possessed in return? How does it feel to be possessed? Do I want to put that on my partner?
Am I afraid of losing this relationship? Would monogamy keep me from losing this relationship? Would keeping this partner from dating keep me from losing this relationship?
Am I afraid of being deprioritized? What would that look like? Would being jealous or possessive prevent this?
A partner having NRE with another person will be new for me. Try to start anticipating what that might look and feel like. Do I need something more/different under those circumstances?
What can I do for my partner? Can I support them while they’re out/on a date? (Stop thinking of myself and think about my partner)
“Thinking about you and hope you’re having a great time. I’m looking forward to seeing you when you get home.”
High fives, general excitement, discussion after
Discussion before/after, emotional processing
Can I setup a date with my partner so I have a date/time and experience I can look forward to with this partner?
What can I do for myself? Is there emotional processing I’ve been neglecting? Is there adult stuff I need to do to lessen stress? Is there some pampering I can do for myself? When was the last time I was in silence?
Why am I not feeling compersion? What’s in the middle of me and feeling happy thoughts for my partner?
How is living with a partner affecting my feelings? Am I slipping into a monogamous mindset? Am I repeating patterns from old relationships? Am I letting old insecurities dictate my thoughts and feelings in the present? If yes, in what ways?
Reminding myself that I am perfectly capable of doing/feeling the same things (that my lover is doing) with others, and still love my lovers/partners completely. When I can remind myself of my own heart's flexibility and expansiveness, I am better able to remember that a partner or lover being in a loving relationship with someone else doesn't mean they will stop loving me.
Stop, ground and center myself, and start doing a physical inventory, I discover that what my mind is creating a word story around, is really a biological response. I notice my heart beats a bit faster, my blood pressure feels a bit higher, my tummy may have butterflies, my chest and/or throat might feel tight, etc. So when I'm feeling these things, I take time to redirect my energies. [Yoga, cleaning, cooking, workout]
I have learned from experience that my own behavior/reactions can be the biggest cause for potential loss, and that a partner is more likely to love and appreciate me if I give them lots of space for their own explorations without restraints.
What feelings are making up the jealousy?
Anger
Betrayal
Sadness
Loneliness
Powerlessness
Depression
Coveting
Exclusion
Fear
Anxiety
Paranoia
Envy
Inadequacy
Hurt
Agitation
Every relationship is unique and no one can replace me, because they are not me
If I’m feeling jealous, it’s probably because I’m not getting some of my needs met, and that is usually because I haven’t asked for it or created the environment to receive it.
As others have said, this is totally normal and you're so new. My husband met someone 2 months ago and I've described it as a freight train barreling through the living room with "Deal With Your Shit!" painted on the side.
I immediately ordered The Jealousy Workbook, which has really been helpful. I can tell you that 2 months on, I'm doing really well, with the expected occasional hard time. I can usually get out of my fear cycle pretty quickly by breathing and reminding myself of what I've already learned. I will say that I've been focused on this work, though, and meditate, read, journal, and go to therapy regularly.
The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00FJGNVG0/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_taa_L1YUCbS69J7CD
Reading your post, the situation that you described feels immensely similar with I felt when me(M) and my SO(F) begun exploring the idea of nonmonogamy.
For me was (and sometimes continues to be) difficult letting go some societal norms that us, men, are biased to believe that are true. I'm a kind of protective guy, and was troubled by the possibility of other guy not respect her — or treat her well — like I do. But as u/twinkleztar put, in different manner, we need to work towards understand your autonomy and agency to choose and protect yourself. I don't know if you let him participate in the process of choosing your partners could help — I don't participate and don't like this approach, but this is for my specific case, for example.
Another issue that troubled me had more relation with my insecurities and self-esteem — and for us various of these issues are reflected by how we are seen by other men, or how our sense of 'masculine' was built. Again, many gender norms predates how we see ourselves and how we relate with women in general.
When my SO revealed that she was interested in some colleague of her, and fucking him, whereas we already 'did the nonmonogamy talk', I felt emasculated and, for some extent, being in a second plane. Society tells that, for us, when 'our girls' fucks other guy, we are in some form a 'inferior' man. But we reached a point where both of us desired, after all, that was the time to happen, and she went and fuck her colleague. Was difficult, there were problems and was a rolle coaster of emotions for me, but we grew stronger after this.
I find useful, as a man, to work towards strengthen my self-esteem, confidence, and nurture a more healthy vision of masculinity that not is based in preconceived notions of property of other body or 'soul', and to guarantee the free agency of my SO.
Finally, some resources I find useful (besides some of already cited in this thread):
Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
Is extremely useful for both of you design what kind of deals could work for you
Polyamory and Jealousy: A More Than Two Essentials Guide
Specific for jealousy, offers valuable tools for dealing with it
The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships
Another precious resource
Playing Fair: A Guide to Nonmonogamy for Men into Women
This is specific for men dealing with diverse situations in nonmonogamy