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u/Oltima · 3 pointsr/nonmonogamy

You cheated and that can't be taken back. I would suggest you do research in the phsycology behind why you felt the need to cheat. Most couples can satisfy about 80% of their partners needs and wants. You may have felt compelled to cheat because the other woman offered the 20% your wife doesn't and it feels shiny and new. That shiny newness will go away eventually. Chasing the "golden haired woman" is a mistake. You are most likely not in love with this other woman. You probably have a love for the newness and the heightened levels of dopamine your brain gives you for finding a new mate. Again that will go away.

10 years ago you loved your wife enough to commit vows to spend a lifetime together. Think about that. YOU LOVED SOMEONE SO MUCH THAT YOU VOWED TO STAY WITH HER TILL DEATH! That woman is still there. Taking your marriage to a non-monogamous point just so you can continue your affair is very shady and doesn't solve the real problem. It will most likely tear you two apart due to the mistrust, and there is no guarantee that your wife will be open to non-monogamy.

Divorcing your wife would be a mistake as well. First she didn't do anything wrong so you shouldn't want to hurt her. Second your kids deserve better.

This will be an unpopular opinion but NEVER TELL HER YOU CHEATED! Why? Because it will tear her heart out. I've been cheat on before. It hurts... A lot! Don't put her through that, and don't pull the I need to clear my conscious BS either. Breaking her heart so you can feel better is despicable. And don't for one second think leaving your wife for this other woman will somehow be a better option. She has already shown you she is OK with cheating because she knows about your wife. Plus she knows you are a cheater and the whole relationship would be built on mistrust.

You need to leave the other woman and go back to your wife and family. Be the man she deserves and put effort into re-igniting the passion that you had when you married her. If you are feeling the flame dim on the passion and romance you better believe that she does too. Talk to her. Find things you can do to bring that flame back.

Here are some starter suggestions
-Does she like shopping? Take her shopping! Go with her. Yeah its boring to be a man in a Woman's shoe store, but I bet you did it while dating. Its not about spending money its about spending time.

-Is there an activity she wants to do but you don't like IE: hiking or swimming or a road trip. Do it for her. I'm not saying do something you will regret, but something small that she is into and you have declined in the past.
Real life example: My wife wanted to drive 400 miles on a particular freeway because it was a "scenic drive". I hated the idea and she knew it, but she loves that I did it anyway for her. I'm not saying be a pushover and do everything that she wants all the time, but let her have those moments from time to time.

-Do you have a little extra padding? Start exercising and very subtlety let her know its because you want to look as sexy as you can for her. Do not suggest she join your exercising but do invite her if she asks to join. Do not try to be her coach. Let her make any fitness mistakes she wants if she joins your routine. Unless of course she is doing something that will hurt her.

-Sit down and have a long talk about how you feel. Be careful not to verbally attack her. This is where "I" statements help.
"I feel that we could have more passion", "I want to know what I can do to strengthen our relationship", "I feel like we could do more to strengthen our bond", "I want to [any action or result] and want your help/opinion to achieve [said action or result] ect. If you use the word "you" then that talk may turn into a fight. Example of what not to say- "You never do [ ] anymore", "You do [ ] to much", ect. you get the idea.

So much can be achieved when couples just sit down and express what they are feeling inside. What to take a giant leap of faith? Ask her this question " What is it like being married to me"... I know terrifying. Then shut up and listen. Do not argue and do not interrupt. No "yes buts". Internalize what she tells you. Acknowledge what you have done wrong and express a desire to work with her as a team to resolve anything.

-Couples/ Marriage counseling or similar third party interventions. Most couples shy away from this sort of thing but it helps. You don't have to go for long periods of time. Even one session will go a long way towards helping. Here is a book that I think would help. and here is the female side You should read them both. Yes they have Christian ties but even if you are not a Christian the ideas and principles are still very valid. There is also a boot camp that goes with the book and if you can attend/ afford it you and your wife should go. Here is the link. . I promise you the bootcamp it not a touchy feely lets hug and have a talk about our feelings event. It is a "this is how to be an awesome man" fun filled weekend. Campfires, cigars, gormet meals, archery, guns, and outdoor man movies to go with what they teach. Whatever you choose to do don't be embarrassed to seek guidance from a professional.

-When you two have sex do you make love passionately? or are you just masturbating inside her? Don't use her for sex... Give her what only you as a loving husband can give to her. Massage her body, caress her legs, smack that ass, run scratch marks down her back, whisper sexy dirty things in her ear, dust off your tongue and give without receiving. I don't know what she likes but you do. If for some reason you don't then ask her to guide you. Make her feel like a sex god. I challenge you to only penetrate when she is so turned on that she won't take no for an answer.

-Kids taking all your time? Get a sitter or send them to summer camp or a similar event that gets them away from you for several days. Your kids are important but so is your wife. A loving healthy relationship with her is great for your kids to see. Don't put your kids before your wife! She should hold more importance. Set a weekly time that you spend with only your wife. No kids allowed. It can be as simple as one night a week that the kids can't be in the living room while you two enjoy the TV (or other activities) just the 2 of you. And be firm if they try to butt in or suddenly start doing things to get your attention. Same goes for pets. Get them away.

There is a ton of other things but these are the basics and the overall idea is to spend more time with your wife. If you are having trouble finding that wonderful person you fell in love with then you better search harder. If you can't find gold with a shovel then you better get a bulldozer.

I promise you any effort you put into your wife and marriage will be reciprocated in full. It probably won't be instant, but she will respond in kind. This is about you too. You are going to feel fantastic knowing you can offer her your strength and power and love as a man.

Last point- Non-monogamy in all its forms is not a bandage that fixes troubled relationships. It is an experience that two loving people choose to do together to enhance what is already a healthy strong relationship. If/When you bring back that flame and you start seeing your wife as the "golden haired" woman then you can try non-monogamy. Do it as a team, together as a loving trusting couple. My wife and I swing. Not because we need things from other people, but because we enjoy sharing the experience.

I hope this does not come across and condemning or condescending. I believe in redemption and I wish you the very best of luck.

TL:DR: Don't take the easy rode. Fight for your wife.

u/Arewesortingitout · 1 pointr/nonmonogamy

My girlfriend and I just opened up our 3 year relationship about a month ago and other posters are totally right - it's a journey and I've found this reddit community to be SO helpful (thanks everyone here!) - one thing that really helped me was reading people's sappy posts. Seeing success makes this feel easier.

For the record, I TOTALLY feel you, your second paragraph spoke to my little heart -- I am so certain about my partnership and we were so stable and ready for life before we opened up. It's been a scary process that made me feel uprooted and a heck of a lot less stable. But I truly honestly feel like nonmonogamy is SO good for helping each of us explore ourselves.

I think it's important to be flexible -- when we first discussed opening our relationship we sat down and made a moderate list of rules or boundaries based on what-ifs. But then reality happened and we realized how our rules didn't really speak to the people we really were (example: we had discussed this being open for the sake of rando hookups, but neither of us are all that casual people. Girlfriend especially prefers to have some sort of emotional connection to those she's sleeping with. So things got a whole lot less casual really fast) so we had to reconfigure our boundaries. I am certain that what we currently have set up will still continue to change.

If you've never done this before, it's important to give each other a little slack because sometimes you won't have the right words for what you're thinking and feeling. It's okay to say "this was a problem for blah-blah reason" but try not to get all doomsday about it. There will be a lot of trial and error as you sort through how to communicate and act.

Others are totally right, communicate communicate communicate. If you are feeling something, try not to overthink it and do share. That being said, know yourself -- personally I've blown things out of proportion because I haven't reflected on my feelings before talking about them - now I do a lot of writing and digging into what I'm really feeling before I bring it up and it has been much more constructive.

Don't be afraid to talk about the changes you're feeling or seeing. The relationship will change - how the two of you navigate those changes is what matters.

> I'm torn between accepting that I love this person enough to try to expand in this way and feeling like I'm settling and over-compromising

Oh I so hear that! It's really important that you try not to overcompromise. And I suppose it's worth knowing what it means to you to overcompromise. Are you just saying yes to something so you don't have to think about it anymore? Or is there growth that comes with that decision that you value and so even though in this moment it's making you nervous, you feel like it might be worth it?
Take some time to know what you need and don't be afraid to ask for that. No matter how in tune you are with someone, they're not going to know what you need if you can't state it. example: my partner and I work extremely different schedules and live in different cities (not far, but far enough that spending time together requires effort) - one of my needs is physical quality time together. At first I wanted to be cool and casual, offering that we just promise to see each other at least once a week -- but not knowing WHEN I was going to see her caused some very deep anxiety for me. So I requested that we don't set dates with other people on Sundays so that we were always available to see each other for sure on Sundays, even if it's for brunch before she goes to work, or for the evening when she gets off work (there's a second part of why this is important to me -- in past poly-relationships and even in the very beginning of our opening up, I give a wide berth when my partners are meeting new people. So wide that I'll give up our quality time, and eventually erode our relationship - this is a problem I am working through).
If you live together then you may want to talk about making an effort to have a specific date night, whatever that might mean. If you're living together it can be easy to assume you spend a lot of time together so it doesn't matter, but that time is your regular every day down time. It's important to have some special time.

It's going to take time. It's going to take talking. There are going to be mistakes and you're probably going to learn a lot more about patience and forgiveness. You might feel unsettled for a little while -- give it time. I've seen people say this a lot and it is worth saying it again -- opening your relationship is putting it on Hard Mode. But it's doable and so worth it. My biggest piece of advice is to take the time to sort through your feelings. Take time for yourself. Take time to love yourself.

Here are some resources that have helped me so far:

  • Probably everyone has directed you here: More than two
  • And specifically: More than two: Handling Jealousy
  • More than Two also has a few bits about being a monogamous person who loves a poly person (just as appropriate for a mono person loving a nonmono): Polyamory for Monogamists
  • This one feels really basic but it also mentions some very realistic things and helped me to determine things I wanted to discuss with my partner: Clopen Relationships
  • (not totally just about casual openness but about love as a whole; a really good read nonetheless): casual love
  • AND. I haven't read it yet but I've seen it suggested SO OFTEN (but don't see it suggested in the other comments) - Opening Up by Tristan Taormino

    (edited for formatting errors)
u/Fey_fox · 3 pointsr/nonmonogamy

Where to begin? In general, you can start by reading up about this. One well recomended book is Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships and The Ethical Slut. I think reading about this would help you inform yourself about non-monogamy and help remove your bias, even if this lifestyle is not for you.

About that. You had one relationship that didn't work out too well, and then made a blanket decision about everyone who's non-monogamous because of that. That's not fair, it would be like being mad at all waiters because one gave you bad service, or hating a gay person because one gay person was inappropriate and aggressive towards you, or hating a race or nationality of folks because you had a bad experience with someone of that race. Your one non-monogamous experience with your ex is not indicative of all non-monogamous people or all non-monogamous relationships. You are not in the position to judge someone else's life path, you don't have enough information to do that. Some folks may be emotionally broken and unable to control their sexual impulses but they don't have to be non-monogamous to have these issues. There are plenty of non-monogamous folk that are cool, emotionally healthy and grounded, and respectful of their primary and secondary partners, just as there are folks who have healthy monogamous relationships. Blanket judgement doesn't help you wrap your head around the problem.

All that said, based off of your little post here it seems to me you are just getting to know this new lady, and you're talking about what interests you both sexually. You like her, and you want her to be happy, but you have to consider yourself as well. You may not be the kind of person who can handle a non-monogamous relationship. You may do everything right, communicate, make sure mutual trust is established and maintained, reassure each other when you're feeling insecure or inadequate, and still not be emotionally ok with the situation. We have to honor ourselves as well as be good giving and game to our partners. If you ignore those twinges and don't at the very least talk about what is bothering you, those feelings will fester. If I were to make a guess that might be a part in why the last relationship didn't work out.

At the beginning of every relationship trust needs to be established and built on, this may mean you will need her to be monogamous with you for a time. Maybe not forever, but for you to feel secure you need to know her and build that trust (and to give yourself time to learn more and to roll this around in your head). She may not be ok with that, she might want to start open and stay open always. If that's the case you two are not compatible, and that's ok. Better you find out now than to get yourself all twisted over something that will never work out. My point is that for you though, you clearly need time to establish trust and security at the very least, and you may never be emotionally ok with having your own relationship be open. She may be ok with that. Y'all need to talk this out and be clear about what you're ok with. Be clear with yourself too. You don't have to have all the answers, but you should at least be honest with her about what bothers you about this. Maybe you can work it out, but saying nothing will most likely lead to this not working out. Communication is the key to all successful relationships.

Good Luck

u/casualcolloquialism · 3 pointsr/nonmonogamy

My wife and I are also both bisexual high school sweethearts! A little different from your situation since we're both women, but pretty similar. We have been together for 7 years this month and have been nonmonogamous (in some form or another) for about 3.5.

My biggest advice is to never, ever forget that the third (or fourth or..) person is a PERSON. So many times, even now, my wife and I have found ourselves making decisions that affect someone else we are seeing between the two of us - and then it turns out that the other person did not want whatever we had decided.

I really highly recommend checking out More Than Two or The Ethical Slut (I like the first better but it's definitely a personal preference thing, many people in this subreddit swear by one or the other). When you're first starting out the biggest thing is that you don't know what you don't know - these books are hugely helpful resources that I wish I'd had BEFORE I made most of the mistakes in them.

Like others have said, I would definitely say date separately. If someone winds up wanting to date both of you or it happens organically, great, but don't force it. Dealing with jealousy is really hard and there's no one-size-fits-all solution - you've just got to communicate, communicate, and communicate without guilt or shaming. Also, FWIW, we started as just hookups and my wife has mostly stayed there but I wound up with feelings so I actually have a boyfriend now, too.

The not enough feelings will definitely tie themselves up in your jealousy. They are HARD stuff. IMO, you need to remember that 1. you have value and you bring something to your relationship, your husband is not with you just to humor you and 2. if your husband says he still loves you and is still attracted to you, he is telling the truth and you should trust him. Obviously everything is MUCH more complicated than that, but those are two things that have come up for me and my wife over the last few years.

Feel free to PM me or ask any other questions! I'm actually writing my Master's thesis about polyamory so even though I don't know that much myself I can probably point you toward an article or two that might help! Good luck. :-)

u/Irish_machiavelli · 1 pointr/nonmonogamy

28M here, I am with a 23F g/f of three and a half years (soon to be proposing, but shh, don't tell her) We are very happy together and I can offer you some basic tips.
Okay, so after venting on someone who gave you a real dog turd nugget of advice, I am going to offer something practical and if my fellow redditors downvote me so be it. (I actually don't give shits about Karma, but I do want to give you constructive advice)
Your problem is not rooted in non-monogamy, it is rooted in a much more basic relationship issue. People express and receive feelings of love much differently. Generally, there are five types of expression

Acts of service (honey, I cleaned the house)

Gift Giving (self explanatory)

Kind words (saying "I love you/appreciate you")
physical touch (sex, cuddling, etc)

And MOST RELEVANT to you Quality Time

Now, his hunting is the activity, but his lack of understanding your need of Quality Time is the true cause of your issues. You need to communicate this to him. Tell him you appreciate the things he does, and my guess is that he probably tries to do other things on the list, guys particularly put a lot of weight into gift giving, because that's what society tells us males to do when you females are unhappy.
Communicate. Also, if my suggestion is of any merit for you, then I suggest reading "The Five Love Languages"
This book changed my life and my relationship is incredible as a result. If you're getting serious, read it! Oh and best of luck
Edited for formatting

u/Topher587 · 19 pointsr/nonmonogamy

You're a very insightful 20 year old.

You're dealing with insecurities rooted in traditional monogamous experience and social expectations. What you're feeling is perfectly reasonable and within your rights to feel.

Don't beat yourself up. You're doing a great job.

For some advice:

First, I'd love for you to ask him to read this post so he understands your feelings exactly and concisely. It will help you with whatever adjustments to the relationship the two of you discuss, if any. You're very well reasoned and articulate and approaching your relationship so pragmatically and thinking about ending it because of these feelings that are absolutely challenging to feel. It would be a disservice to him as your partner if he didn't know you were having such difficulty. He sounds like he's been in the lifestyle for a while and may have forgotten that this is a new thing for you and that it takes practice to do it right and that he may not be as supportive or considerate of your varying levels of experience as he could be. Either way, I think that he deserves to know all of this verbatim.

He may be able to comfort you and reassure SOME of your fears. What he CAN'T do is be be held responsible for your feelings or be expected change his behaviors to placate your insecurities, which are your feelings to either get over or to remove from this relationship by leaving it.

Think for a moment though. If you have a monogamous partner in the future and they tell you that a stranger is attractive, you'll likely have the same reaction. In both scenarios, you have an honest partner being authentic to themselves and trusting sufficiently in your relationship to share their thoughts with you about their completely natural human physical attractions. But you're uncomfortable enough that you'd rather be lied to, or for these partners to hide something from you to protect your emotions. Would you rather have a transparent relationship with an honest partner in either poly or mono, and be secure enough to know that their attraction to others does not invalidate their attraction to you, or remain ignorant of their true feelings and just cross your fingers to hope your insecurities are never brought out into view?

Truth be told, learning about how to address insecurities like the ones you've mentioned is such a valuable set of skills whether you're going to remain in this poly relationship or find happiness with monogamy that it's worth your time investment. It's just going to lead to a happier you.

The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships can help and is a valuable use of your time and money. While you're not with him and feeling a little hard or down on yourself, use it to grow and strengthen your skill set so that you can truly understand why you feel the way you are feeling and to make the experience much easier to bare.

I'd take a read through this particularly specific page on the More Than Two site. Read it yourself. Share it with him the next time you're together when he reads your post. It will give you both some perspective and goals to strive for in the future of your relationship in order to be better partners.

And lastly, imagine you've been together for a while and that this guy came out to you as poly. You'd probably feel a lot of the same things even if you loved and supported him chasing his passion and happiness. Now that you're in that slightly different but not so different state of mind, read this bit here to give yourself some credit and to understand that you're not the only person who's ever felt like this. It will help you with unlearning the deeply rooted expectations of how relationships are supposed to work and help you with a perspective that lends to better understanding of the cause of your insecurities, which may be enough to help you dismiss them as irrational worries when they pop into your mind.

Good luck out there.

u/Polyexperiment · 19 pointsr/nonmonogamy

>I've found it hard to sleep until she's home.

This is pretty standard and gets easier after some time.

If you're having trouble sleeping because you can't stop thinking about what she's up to, the Jealousy Workbook is helpful to pinpoint what exactly is causing you distress and then re-contextualize it and help you move past it.

>So far, it's been surprisingly lonely being by myself when she's out

As for stuff to do, I mean, the sky's the limit. I decided to cut the fuck loose. I love to meet new people, so I just went out. I went to sex parties, burlesque shows, poly community social events, got involved with local politics, discovered all the cool local dive bars, joined a bar trivia team, and so many other things. I discovered so much of what the world had to offer and really fucking lived like I hadn't since college.

>So far, she has been waaay more successful than I have.

My wife basically immediately found a partner that she fell for, so she was out pretty consistently. I think I went on... 3 dates in the first 6 months? I was very envious of her situation, as I was mostly just hooking up with random people at bars and parties and that's so draining after a while. I had to learn not to compare and just accept that she was going to bone more than me, haha. I mean... she's hot, so why wouldn't she?

Eventually, I found a groove, discovered the things I actually enjoyed doing and slowed down a little bit. I got comfortable. She'd go out and I'd be just fine, either doing something fun or hanging with friends or doing nothing at all. Around that point, all the connections I made and new people I had met eventually led me to find (another) really satisfying and intimate relationship with a lovely woman as well as a fun unicorn situation with a cute young couple. My wife and I are closer than ever and we've figured out new, better, ways to communicate and problem solve and be self-reflective.

u/CandLinPC · 1 pointr/nonmonogamy

Hi there. With your permission, I'll give my two cents.

First things first, I'm sorry your relationships with M and W didn't work out. Even though I'm a guy, I can say from experience that losing great relationships is hard. Pick yourself up and keep looking. Time will heal your wounds.

I don't know if it will help, but in times like these I find a voice to listen to that I know will always be there. Sometimes it's my wife, other times, I listen to sex-positive or polyamory podcasts because the hosts are always there on demand, and may have covered a topic close to what I'm feeling, and may have some advice that I could come back to.

As far as your husband having a low sex drive, it certainly could be the meds, but I am of the opinion that they generally help more than they hurt. And that also seems to be the case here from what you've said. It is also possible that he could be asexual, so you might want to do some research on how that can affect both him and you.

If you're still interested in finding women to date, I have a couple of suggestions for you. You've said you're in a remote part of the Midwest. Have you looked online for any LGBT or open meetup or gathering groups? is good for this. My next suggestion is to find a LGBT support center nearby. You won't find dates there, but they might be able to point you in a direction to find the aforementioned meeting groups, and from there you can network to find more women. You're also young enough that you could probably find the LGBT group at your local university, and again, not look for dates, but for resources.

The last option is to move your family to a place more conducive to your desired lifestyle. It need not be far, just enough to get you in range of the nearest large city. If you really want a change of scenery, find a city that you or your husband's employer has a presence in, and ask for a transfer. I know it sounds like a big decision, and it is, but if the other options don't work, it may be what you need to find the people you want.

In closing, I'll ask you to pick up a copy of Tristan Taormino's Opening Up. It's simply the best manual to creating and sustaining open relationships that I know, and I personally think it should be on every non-monogamous person's bookshelf.

I hope my rambling helps you in some way.

u/nwlovers · 4 pointsr/nonmonogamy

Currently dealing with this as well, even down to the frank discussion of, "this will end at some point."

I have no advice, but am hoping to read some of the advice given to you in hopes it'll help me. Hang in there miss.


I have a feeling though that we're just bound to have our hearts broken dangit! My therapist suggest this book to possibly help with anxiety: Working through it now.

Update: had a discussion this morning about this and that and she kinda ended it with, I’m not sure why we need to keep saying there will be an end. Why? We’re enjoying this and I’m enjoying you, I don’t see any reason to end a good thing. So, that’s kinda neat I guess. :)

u/[deleted] · 11 pointsr/nonmonogamy

I highly recommend against the "don't ask, don't tell" rule. It will likely just mask any problems and cause worse hurt in the future. If you know 100% what is going on it will be easier to support each other and address situations for harm reduction and prevention, as well as helping each other feel close and included in each others life. You don't need every detail about how he did such and such an act with him per say, but more general. Such as: "we want to sleep together and of course will use protection, are you ok with this happening next wed?"

The best part of being open is being able to communicate openly with your partner about what you want and what you're doing without hiding things and working around each other. You can be a team. This will require a LOT of work... I still get scared or envious, or get hurt, but since my partner and I work really hard to have an open, honest, line of communication we are able to catch these things very early on, which keeps them from building up into something unfixable.

That all said, I don't know 100% what kind of help you're looking for. For general help I highly, highly recommend reading Opening Up. It has a fantastic chapter on jealousy in particular that helped me SO MUCH. The whole book is great, but that chapter really helped me sort out what I was feeling and how I could communicate it to my partner clearly and that gave me the power to actually start finding ways to help me feel good and secure about things.

Edit: forgot to finish a sentence in the first paragraph.

u/tergajakobs · 5 pointsr/nonmonogamy

You are great. It's not that common being self aware.

This is also the first step to change for the better. What I mean by that is that there are many techniques of positive discussion of disagreements. If your emotions get the best of you, take a pen and paper, or a laptop - and write. The beauty of it, is that writing is slower than thinking, so you can analyze more before your partner sees your thoughts.

You can also use positive communication skills like swapping "you don't care for me" into "I feel that I don't get enough caring from you" etc.

You can look online for positive communication, positive conflict resolutions etc.

Also - as funny as it was in "How I met your mother", the "Pause" technique used by Marshal and Lily actually works good for me and my partner. If you never saw it, they essentially have the power to say "pause" during an argument, if it gets too heated. They will come back to it later when they feel better calmer. Side note: they used the pause time for sex :)

If you think you might be demi, you might be more interested in having more meaningful connections with men (and women?) before jumping in the bed. Almost developing friendships. You can also check "relationship anarchy" term, which might or might not be interesting to you.

On a personal note, I'm also more introvert, and I like it actually. I like keeping my circles small, and much more into passive nonmonogamy (not actively looking for new partners). This probably will change in a few months, because I'm having some changes in my life, but you can be perfectly content with slow burn relationships.

Let me give you a few resources: - This is probably (one of) the best site(s) to start any research in the nonmonogamous world.

The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships

A comment of mine for a jealous person (male, but it really doesn't matter):

u/wesleyemw · 2 pointsr/nonmonogamy

Reading your post, the situation that you described feels immensely similar with I felt when me(M) and my SO(F) begun exploring the idea of nonmonogamy.

For me was (and sometimes continues to be) difficult letting go some societal norms that us, men, are biased to believe that are true. I'm a kind of protective guy, and was troubled by the possibility of other guy not respect her — or treat her well — like I do. But as u/twinkleztar put, in different manner, we need to work towards understand your autonomy and agency to choose and protect yourself. I don't know if you let him participate in the process of choosing your partners could help — I don't participate and don't like this approach, but this is for my specific case, for example.

Another issue that troubled me had more relation with my insecurities and self-esteem — and for us various of these issues are reflected by how we are seen by other men, or how our sense of 'masculine' was built. Again, many gender norms predates how we see ourselves and how we relate with women in general.

When my SO revealed that she was interested in some colleague of her, and fucking him, whereas we already 'did the nonmonogamy talk', I felt emasculated and, for some extent, being in a second plane. Society tells that, for us, when 'our girls' fucks other guy, we are in some form a 'inferior' man. But we reached a point where both of us desired, after all, that was the time to happen, and she went and fuck her colleague. Was difficult, there were problems and was a rolle coaster of emotions for me, but we grew stronger after this.

I find useful, as a man, to work towards strengthen my self-esteem, confidence, and nurture a more healthy vision of masculinity that not is based in preconceived notions of property of other body or 'soul', and to guarantee the free agency of my SO.

Finally, some resources I find useful (besides some of already cited in this thread):

Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

Is extremely useful for both of you design what kind of deals could work for you

Polyamory and Jealousy: A More Than Two Essentials Guide

Specific for jealousy, offers valuable tools for dealing with it

The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships

Another precious resource

Playing Fair: A Guide to Nonmonogamy for Men into Women

This is specific for men dealing with diverse situations in nonmonogamy

u/ilikemarmite · 1 pointr/nonmonogamy

I'm married and I'm dating another couple. I'm in love with my husband and my girlfriend and have mad affection for her fiance. It is busy, busy maintaining these relationships, but there is SO much love, affection, and support in my life.

What are you finding overwhelming? Have you read any literature on being in an open relationship? My hubs and I read "Opening Up" before embarking on our journey and both found it informative and comforting.

u/lemonylips · 24 pointsr/nonmonogamy

First of all, your emotions are not unfounded. They may not be emotions that you want to act on or that you feel proud of- but any jealousy or discomfort or anger or confusion you feel is valid and not something to discredit or disregard especially this early in the game. Suppressing emotions isn't healthy in a monogamous relationship (or even when you're single really) and it's super not healthy in a non-monog one. You can be jealous. You can feel hurt. That doesn't make you bad at non-monogamy or whatever.

You may want to think about why you're feeling the way you are. Your emotions aren't appearing out of thin air- they're probably attached to fears and fantasies about what this all might bring in the future. examine that. Maybe you need a greater time commitment from your boyfriend even if it can't be physical. Maybe you need to set up regular skype dates. Maybe you need him not to sleep with your friends. Maybe you need to be sleeping with someone yourself. Maybe you need a new hobby to help assert your individuality and independence. Maybe you need more reminders that you're sexy. Who knows. Think about it.

You might also be interested in reading a book like Opening Up by Tristain Taormino. I'm sure there are many other good books on non-monogamy and polyamory but that's just the one I'm familiar with. I know that hearing the struggles and joys of other non-monogamous couples can be comforting and can help put your own struggles in perspective. That book also has a few chapters that directly address common issues in open relationships that I found helpful.

u/SensualAva · 9 pointsr/nonmonogamy

It sounds like you are looking for solo poly dynamics.

Do some reading and listening to podcasts. They will explain it better than I can

Poly Resources

Common Terms used:

A Guide To Hunting Unicorns: By A Unicorn

couples privilege

10 rules for good Polyamory

The Polyamorist Next Door

If you're a straight man this book is supposed to be decent:
Playing Fair: A Guide to Nonmonogamy for Men into Women (Thorntree Fundamentals)

Poly Weekly


Erotic Awakening: (kink and poly podcast)

Loving without Boundaries

events list:

u/wakko666 · 9 pointsr/nonmonogamy

If you haven't read it already, I highly recommend picking up a copy of the book "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino. It covers a lot of this ground in a really excellent way. She describes the range of non-monogamous relationship styles, from polyamory to BDSM contracts to swinging and more. So, it may be helpful in developing your vocabulary and ability to identify and talk about what sort of relationship(s) you're looking for and okay with.

The second piece of advice I have is just to talk openly with both your SO and your metamour. If you were seeking a triad, but she's not into that, there's bound to be some hurt feelings caused by the unmet expectations. That's normal. The big thing is just to talk through it so that it doesn't fester and become a source of animosity and resentment.

If you can identify what your needs are, that will help you work through the issue with them. Maybe it's some self-care time, or some extra affection and attention from your SO, or another play partner for yourself, or something else entirely. Whatever it is, try to just be honest about what you're feeling and don't take it out on them just because there's been (what appears to be) some miscommunication and/or unmet expectations.

If you're willing to work on it, there's still a chance this situation can work out for all involved. However, if it's really not working for you, be honest about that, too. Know where your boundaries are and be open about what is truly a deal breaker for you. Either it works out or it doesn't, neither case means anything bad about you or them as people.

u/Kenji_03 · 11 pointsr/nonmonogamy

My partner and I were only really okay with opening things up once we talked about the difference between "loving" and "committing".

I am committed to her, and I love her. I may love anyone we bring in, but I will never commit to them.

On top of that, we both read a few books and articles regarding what's unfulfilling about pure monogamy.

I'm not saying it wasn't difficult, I'm not saying there wasn't a lot of shouting and tears, but I am saying we both got through it and are much better for it.

Also, like you... she is bisexual and we first opened things up with a threesome to make it an "us" thing instead of a "you" or "me" thing.

u/joe-ducreux · 2 pointsr/nonmonogamy

Rules always sound like a good idea, but I've found in practice they don't work very well.

If you want to introduce some non-monogamy aspects I'd suggest stating out with a threesome; That way you are present, know exactly what happened, and can process the experience together after the fact to see how you're both feeling.

Either way, I'd say start slow, really really slow, and take baby steps once you are both comfortable.

EDIT: Also you should both check out these books:

The Ethical Slut

Sex at Dawn

Opening Up

u/vintagesauce · 1 pointr/nonmonogamy

When you speak about your libido, I'm wondering if you've read the book "Come As You Are"? I feel like women compare their libidos to men's...or the invigorating drive we have at the beginning of a new relationship. Nothing could be farther from the truth. For most women, there's not a constant drive as it is for men. I'm wondering if exploring your libido and your sexual relationship together might feel safer right now?

u/jeremymeyers · 1 pointr/nonmonogamy

To address this, I recommend the book Mating in Captivity. It was super helpful for me to help to identify the causes of this kind of thing (too much intimacy, not enough inviduality) and address it.

u/Avocationist · 1 pointr/nonmonogamy

I really like The Jealousy Workbook. It's focused on helping people manage the anxiety that some people experience in open relationships. I found it more helpful than any of the other books people typically recommend.

u/kippybippy · 2 pointsr/nonmonogamy

Consensual/Ethical non-monogamy and polyamory are both NOT “quid-pro-quo” equations and are not meant to be handled that way.

Pick up a copy of “More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory” for a good understanding of what these non-monogamous tracks look like.

u/Malechus · 1 pointr/nonmonogamy

Talk. Talk it to death. Talk until you don't think there's anything else to talk about. You have the rest of your lives, so take time to talk. As you talk; be honest and advocate for yourselves, these are harder skills to learn than you might think.

Read The Ethical Slut and More Than Two.

Look for poly communities in your area, they're more common than you might think. The single most valuable resource I have had on my journey has been more experienced people to learn from. There are classes and workshops for just what you are thinking about doing, check them out.

u/Xata27 · 5 pointsr/nonmonogamy

You need to stop looking at it from her angle. Of course she’s going to have more dates than you. That’s just how things are but while you rarely get matches she has to sift through hundreds of people before she finds someone that’s she thinks is cool enough to go out with.

She’s going to have more physical intimacy with her other partners. I think that if you give it time you’re going to have regular partners that you hookup with.

Being a straight male things are different. If you’re really serious about non-monogamy check out: Playing Fair: A Guide to Non-monogamy for Men Into Women by Pepper Mint

u/Ersatz_Intellectual · 1 pointr/nonmonogamy

I think the question of whether or not your partner is right, depends on how down they are to open the relationship.

How did I realize I was non-monogamous? I've always thought the idea was cool, and I pretty much lived it without giving it a real name. Through reading books about the practice, I've started to identify with it more. If you're interested, here are links to those books:

Opening up -

Sex From Scratch -

(And a Tumblr called polyrolemodels)

You've already heard from some others about the cheating so I won't go into that. I will second what another person said: if you're not enjoying the sex and your partner isn't comfortable changing it up sometimes, you will most likely need to open the relationship or break up with them. I'm assuming you're American, our society socializes people to think that bad sex shouldn't be a dealbreaker, but it totally is. There are ways to set up rules and lines of communication that will make both of you happy and healthy. That's where those books helped for me, reading stories about how other people did it.

I would also caution you to think about the way you frame relationships that don't work out. Instead of considering them "failed," say that you and your ex went different paths, or that things didn't work out. That's another societal thing that Sex From Scratch mentions. The idea that a "long" relationship = success and a breakup = failure is toxic, and keeps people in unhealthy relationships longer than necessary.

u/HopandClank · 2 pointsr/nonmonogamy

As others have said, this is totally normal and you're so new. My husband met someone 2 months ago and I've described it as a freight train barreling through the living room with "Deal With Your Shit!" painted on the side.

I immediately ordered The Jealousy Workbook, which has really been helpful. I can tell you that 2 months on, I'm doing really well, with the expected occasional hard time. I can usually get out of my fear cycle pretty quickly by breathing and reminding myself of what I've already learned. I will say that I've been focused on this work, though, and meditate, read, journal, and go to therapy regularly.

The Jealousy Workbook: Exercises and Insights for Managing Open Relationships

u/thatdarkelectric · 2 pointsr/nonmonogamy

Taormino's "Opening Up" ( has a ton of these questions, formatting them to the point where it feels like a fill-in-the-blanks worksheet assignment. Very thorough!

u/curlycake · 1 pointr/nonmonogamy

Hi there! Do you recommend the illustrated version or the text one?

u/Maldoror1869 · 3 pointsr/nonmonogamy

The constant, endless rejection I faced after my wife and I opened our marriage was devastating. The way I dealt with it was by just giving up. I made a firm decision never to try dating or looking for relationships again, and I stuck with it. It took me a while to heal from the depression caused by all the rejection (and, to be honest, it still comes back and stings every now and then), but about a year and a half after quitting I felt good enough to start hiring sex workers, and I've been having the time of my life ever since.

If you're going to keep trying, then I recommend reading Pepper Mint's book and [blog post] (, and watching this [video on rejection] ( from Evita Sawyers.

u/wild_deer_man · 2 pointsr/nonmonogamy

Why would you be in a commited relationship with a woman who does not want to have sex with you?

All your answers are here:

u/ScrubQueen · 1 pointr/nonmonogamy

I have a lot of questions about y'all's sex life first because some things are concerning to me:

Who usually initiates, you or her?
How much foreplay/oral/manual sex/etc. do you do?
Has she mentioned any history of sexual abuse?
Have the two of you ever tried to to troubleshoot her orgasms by just having a session where you only focus on her in a low pressure environment?
Does she masturbate? If not, have you asked her why?
How does she act during sex? Is it like emotional release sobbing or is it like barely holding back tears crying?

It really sounds like she's forcing herself to have sex with you for some reason. Sometimes girls feel pressured or obligated to have sex when they don't actually want to because they want to make their partner happy, even if their partner isn't actually applying any direct pressure to them to do so. It's real fucked up and most guys are pretty horrified to learn about it. Definitely talk with her about it and ask her why she feels this way and reassure her you're not going to judge her.

She may also be gay and either doesn't know yet or doesn't want to admit it because she doesn't want to hurt you. In fact, this might actually be the likeliest scenario.

Also I would highly recommend getting her a copy of Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are to help her learn to troubleshoot her own orgasms and become more comfortable with her body, because repression is a bitch and it's really hard to overcome without resources like this.

u/syn-syn · 15 pointsr/nonmonogamy

yes, but no.

this is my story

no, there is no way to cope. - on your own.
no, there is no way to adjust. - on your own.

there is a chance - a slim one - that you both restart your relationship in a new way.

but if he cheated on you - and now wants a free pass with opening the relationship so everything is fine - then no, that is most likely not going to happen.

read if you want to read how other couples handled this