Reddit reviews The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss

My goodness, so sorry for your unimaginable loss.

I'd say "please don't feel guilty" but I know firsthand we have so little control over those feelings, so instead I'll just say that no matter how you may feel, there is NOTHING wrong with your "mental vacations". Not only is it normal, it is also a healthy, naturally built in coping mechanism.

Grief has been studied a lot, and what they've found is that the natural grief process most of us go through is like an "oscillation' between sadness and something resembling "normalcy". Back and forth, back and forth between the two. This is because our bodies know we can't handle feeling sadness all the time. It's nothing like the "stages" they used to think. As time goes on, generally the oscillations are not so extreme, and there are more "normal" days where we're not emotionally swinging back and forth.

I recommended to someone else in this thread, and I'll recommend to you, this book: https://www.amazon.com/Other-Side-Sadness-Science-Bereavement/dp/0465021905

It is about some of the myths of grieving that society has perpetuated, like the idea that grief is all sadness, all the time, or that most people are unable to cope with such devastating losses. In truth, you're likely much more resilient than you think. And as horrible, and devastating as your loss is, you CAN come out of this and still find happiness on the other side. As hard or impossible as it may seem now.

So yes, absolutely, allow yourself any respite you can get. Never apologize for it or feel like you're abnormal or "not grieving enough" because of it. Just keep listening to yourself; do what feels right.

My thoughts are with you and please message me any time if you feel like it :)

>My goodness, so sorry for your unimaginable loss.
>
>I'd say "please don't feel guilty" but I know firsthand we have so little control over those feelings, so instead I'll just say that no matter how you may feel, there is NOTHING wrong with your "mental vacations". Not only is it normal, it is also a healthy, naturally built in coping mechanism.
>
>Grief has been studied a lot, and that they've found is that the natural grief process most of us go through is like an "oscillation' between sadness and something resembling "normalcy". Back and forth, back and forth between the two. This is because our bodies know we can't handle feeling sadness all the time.
>
>I recommended to someone else in this thread, and I'll recommend to you, this book: https://www.amazon.com/Other-Side-Sadness-Science-Bereavement/dp/0465021905
>
>It is about some of the myths of grieving that society has perpetuated, like the idea that grief is all sadness, all the time, or that most people are unable to cope with such devastating losses. In truth, you're likely much more resilient than you think. And is horrible, and devastating as your loss is, you CAN come out of this and still find happiness on the other side. As hard or impossible as it may seem now.
>
>So yes, absolutely, allow yourself any respite you can get. Never apologize for it or feel like you're abnormal or "not grieving enough" because of it. Just keep listening to yourself; do what feels right.
>
>My thoughts are with you and please message me any time if you feel like it :)

Thank you so much for your quick response.. yes, I'm home alone tonight with my thoughts and it IS tough, but, truthfully, after 42 years I know my wife and the relationship she had with our son well enough to know that, second only to having to tell her about his death when she came out of the chemical haze she'd been under since being transported to the hospital via air ambulance, I am absolutely DREADING bringing her home to a house that is a memory mine field with THOUSANDS of things that will remind her (as it has ME). We are ALL different of course and I am better able to compartmentalize my life and grief so that when I go through one of those doors into a dark place, I can come out an function, more or less normally again. She's less capable of that (unless she surprises me) and I'm VERY worried about her long term. I'm looking into options to give her some on-going support for this and honestly feel that outsiders who've been thrust into the 'club' we'd all rather not belong to, are better equipped to help her than I am.

As far as I can tell, this is going to be an endless ride on a very bumpy road.