Reddit reviews The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families

There's a book called The Polyamorists Next Door that's written by a sociologist. Unlike most of the literature, it doesn't touch at all on "how do you make this kind of relationship work for yourself," but more like "what's life like (good and bad) for people doing this?" As I recall, men being selfish pricks and ruining things is a relatively common scenario in it.

Seconding the infinity heart. Also, as references go The Polyamorists Next Door is probably the most appropriate POV (generally descriptive, not a how-to book or a memoir).

Yes. It's been an uphill struggle to have my relationships treated normally by my and my partners' families.

It's also well-documented, e.g. by Sheff, that poly families face all kinds of discrimination at multiple legal and social levels. Remember that the people who feel "uncomfortable" also vote.

My husband and I have been talking about how the fact that we are poly opens doors to us regarding family and children that monogamous couples don't have.

He wants to be a father, and I don't want to be a mother. (I'd love to be something closer to an "auntie" or "stepmom" where I can be a supportive parental figure, but not the primary parent.) We both want "family" in the sense of other people in our romantic and family life. I don't want to deny him an opportunity to be a father. And, we both love each other and want to stay together.

With polyamory, disagreements about having kids doesn't need to necessarily end the relationship. It's possible that you could become a mother to children through another partner, and share custody with that partner. Or, you could someday have the bio-father partner move in with the two of you and create a blended family where your husband is more like an "uncle" or "stepdad" or maybe even less involved than that.

You get to decide what works for you and polyamory lets you potentially find very creative ways to be fullfilled in your life and relationships beyond what the normative society says is okay.

My therapist recommended my husband and I start reading two books:

https://www.amazon.com/Polyamorists-Next-Door-Multiple-Partner-Relationships/dp/144225310X/

and

https://www.amazon.com/Stories-Polycule-Real-Polyamorous-Families/dp/0991399773/

It seems like Elisabeth Sheff is sort of the go-to person regarding poly and families. Maybe these books might help you start new kinds of conversations with your husband and explore whether or not going in this direction could make you both happy, while still affirming and strengthening your marriage.