Top products from r/JUSTNOFAMILY

And if she’s up for something different I highly recommend the game of thrones cookbook, A A Feast of Ice and Fire , There is a blog too , so you don’t need to invest. I love the cookbook and trying out the medieval recipes vs the modern versions. It’s fun and gives perspective on how food and cooking/baking has changed.

And if you pm me an amazon wishlist link I would more than happily gift it (that’s how much fun I find this book).


Also, I’m glad you made caring for yourself a priority it’s a great example for the kids. When they see you making self care a priority they will too. ❤️❤️❤️

There’s a wonderful book you could give Lily about this. I HATED my curls as a girl, and untangling them was always a painful nightmare. My mom gave me the Curly Girl Handbook when I was thirteen and it entirely changed my relationship with my hair while also teaching me how to take care of it (and therefore care for myself). I love my hair now, and haven’t straightened it in years! It might be a helpful book for Lily.

Sounds to me like his Catholicism isn't real, it's just another label he awarded himself.

Blow his mind and get him to read some Thomas Merton, Daniel and Philip Berrigan, Blessed Oscar Arnulfo Romero, among others.

Seven Story Mountain is one of the most powerful books ever written and flys in the face of the brand of not really catholic BS the SD is spewing.

Could you get something like this so that you can be safe? https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B00186URTY/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o09_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 Since you use it on the inside your parents don't have to know.

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I hope you will be OK.

The other thing that would be smart is for you to have your own cameras. You can get them on Amazon. Or you can order them from a retailer's website and pick them up at the store so you don't have to have them mailed to the house.

The other thing you can do is get one of these for your bedroom door. https://smile.amazon.com/Master-Lock-Security-Adjustable-White/dp/B0002YUX8I/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1539553114&sr=8-4&keywords=door+stopper I have seen them at Target. Or, there is thishttps://smile.amazon.com/Home-Premium-Rubber-Door-Stopper/dp/B01NGYKARV/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1539553114&sr=8-5&keywords=door+stopper. It won't work as well to block the door from the outside, but is cheaper and not as visible and easier to hide. A deadbolt would be best, but N's kinda resent that.

It seems to me that your mom may be repeating patterns learned from her FOO. Is one of your maternal grandparents like your dad? She could've married your dad because of the comfort and familiarity of being a SG (as toxic as this sounds). This is a very common dynamic among people who grew up in abusive (in her case, emotional/verbal) households.

Can you provide your mom with some books she can read, like on a Kindle where it's easier to hide? In her case she may need the book "Why does he do that?" link here. https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

1. Order or purchase one of these, immediately. Doubly so since your landlord refuses to change the locks.
   
   
2. Go to the apartment appointment. Lock your pets in an area of your current place that doesn't contain his laptop/necessities. They will be fine not having the run of the place for a few hours. If you don't like this plan, take them, and all up to date vaccination records (esp rabies) to a pet day care location. Explain your situation. Tell them you only need a few hours, and that you'll pay whatever they charge you.
   
   
3. Sue him for the damages to your car in small claims. Even if you don't have a written document, him telling you he would pay for the repairs at the end is still a verbal contract. Talk to your lawyer (the same one for Ramon[a] situation) and get his input, but IMO this case should be worth the total value of the car, not just damages, because you asked him to maintain the vehicle, and running it into the ground is not "maintaining".
   
   
4. PM me if you're in NC. We may be able to figure something out with your pets.
   
   
5. Did they already do the repairs? I'm sorry, but I wouldn't have done them. If the car won't be worth $5k when you sell it, it's a lost cause already, and you might as well just buy another cheap car for that price, if you even need it. Since the repairs are done, they will need to be paid. If you don't have the money, can you ask for a moderate payment plan? They may be willing to accommodate.

Totally understand. It doesn't have to happen all at once. Just pick something that's driving you crazy (like the step son) and say "no" until she acquiesces or escalates. Then you can say "I am my son's parent, we've told you our concerns. Again, I'm telling you "no"".

This is a good book (it's a bit churchy, but not in a "go to church way") about how to set healthy boundaries with those around you. It helped my SO become not a doormat to the toxic people in his life. http://amzn.to/2v6aq9U

:( sorry. I meant to add that if you did get into a serious confrontation, it would be best to run screaming from the house since sometimes dudes can get really angry and double up on their efforts.

Taking doors off the hinges is /r/raisedbynarcissists territory, it's very common for parents with personality disorders like narcissism to refuse privacy to their kids.

in the worst situation there is this door blocker:
https://www.amazon.com/Master-Lock-Security-Adjustable-White/dp/B0002YUX8I/ref=asc_df_B0002YUX8I/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=198057875972&hvpos=1o5&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3498565974050103574&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9060261&hvtargid=pla-404125275287&psc=1

there are several variations and some are pretty cheap but work surprisingly well. if your room is on a 2nd floor you may want to fix up a rope ladder so you can get out quick.

Seconding this. I apparently bought it back in 2013, and I still go back and re-read it every once in a while.

I'll probably go back and re-read it once I do my yearly re-read of the Dresden files.

This will keep him out without damaging the door: Addalock

This one causes an alarm to go off (which I like because it may train him): Anndason Door Stop Security Alarm with 120 DB Siren

Seriously! He wrote a book that's coming out in... October. The Ravenmaster: My Life with the Ravens at the Tower of London https://www.amazon.com/dp/0374113343/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_Yuv2AbEKK3P31

You all REALLY need this book so you can just STOP making excuses for enabling this woman.

When my niece was born, the first of the grandchildren, I made it a point that once a month I sent my sister and BIL an "inappropriate" kids book. This was on the list, although my favorite is "K is for Knifeball", as even I thought this one went a little too far.

So other suggestions for you:

The Taking Tree https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1442407638/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o08_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Children Make Terrible Pets
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0316015482/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o06_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

All My Friends Are Dead
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0811874559/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Everyone Poops
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/192913214X/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Ten Little Zombies: A Love Story
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/081187723X/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Monsters Eat Whiny Children
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1416986898/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o06_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I'd Really Like To Eat A Child
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0375837612/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

The Very Hungry Zombie
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1620871823/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Cornelius and the Undigested Kernel of Corn
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1434909808/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o05_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Zombie Cat: A Tale of a Decomposing Kitty
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1616088842/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o08_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

K is for Knifeball
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1452103313/ref=od_aui_detailpages00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Once Upon A Time, The End
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0689866194/_encoding=UTF8?coliid=I1OGBZXPD3BH7B&colid=3D1T0BH91G9JT

Zombies Hate Stuff
https://www.amazon.com/Zombies-Hate-Stuff-Greg-Stones/dp/1452107408/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&coliid=ISHSM71HN45MJ&colid=3D1T0BH91G9JT&qid=&sr=

The Night Dad Went To Jail
https://www.amazon.com/Night-Dad-Went-Jail-Challenges/dp/1479521426/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

You Have To Fucking Eat
https://www.amazon.com/You-Have-F-g-Eat/dp/1617753785/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Fuck You Sun
https://www.amazon.com/Fuck-You-Sun-Matt-Cole/dp/0615509142/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1498051281&sr=1-2

Ugh that's rough. But yeah that sounds like my brother to a T. We are/were both fairly bright but also very stubborn.

I'm sorry your family is dealing with this too. I ended up giving my mom this book to read and I think it gave her the courage/confidence to cut him off.

But yeah I am worried about him, I do hope he gets help, but even if he does I don't think I'll trust him for awhile. Both of my parents have cried to me because of it, and this is probably the second time in my life that I've heard my father cry. And it takes a lot.

You are definitely under reacting!

I think that your "normal meter" is broken. Because nothing about what you described is 'normal' in a healthy environment (family or otherwise).

You are being abused (physically, verbally, mentally, emotionally) & continually manipulated.

THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY FAMILY DYNAMIC.

THIS IS NOT HOW PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU ACT.

THIS IS NOT OKAY.

THIS IS NOT NORMAL.

If you haven't been documenting this behavior/physical attacks, you need to start now. If you can safely record or take videos (& its legal in your state) do so. Make sure that the recordings/videos are stored in a cloud that is password protected (& not attached to your normal email/phone number). Use a new email account (gmail) & a password that isn't written down anywhere (maybe leave a sealed envelope with the information in a secured spot at your workspace to give to the police if something happens)? There are recommendations (in the sidebar here & on some of the other justno subs) on how to write down what happens in a composition notebook, but please don't store this any place that it might be found by your abusers.

Have you talked to your therapist about the physical abuse & ongoing verbal/physical threats?

Most therapists don't suggest a discussion/rule setting/negotiation of behavior with someone who won't stop an attack or encourages an abuser. They suggest an exit plan - the sooner the better.

No amount of discussion with your Mother is going to change her behavior or help you. She isn't willing to get your brother out of her life or yours. For whatever reason, she is encouraging, provoking, & enabling his behavior. She wants you to stay so that you can continue to be a victim for him (& her, as needed).

You need to stop setting yourself on fire to keep everyone else warm.

YOU DO NOT owe your mother or siblings ANYTHING.

They are adults who are actively choosing to remain in a behavior pattern that is violent & self destructive.

It sounds like there are some serious psychological problems along with a cycle of violence that are way beyond what you can or will ever be able to help with. IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX THIS.

The physical/verbal abuse between your brother & mother is something that you can not involve yourself with anymore. They don't want to change their behavior & see nothing wrong with it.

They may be your biological family, but they don't want your protection/help/intervention & nothing you do or say will change anything (except further damage you). THEY need to WANT to change (& it doesn't seem like any of them want to do this).

By staying in the home them/this situation, the chance of one of them hurting you or even killing you is extremely high. It might not be entirely deliberate, but violence continues to escalate & they have already shown that they are willing to hurt you.

Is there a way for you to move out now? Not necessarily an apartment (unless you can find a tiny studio), but as a roommate? A room for rent in an apartment or house (ask around if a friend or co-worker has room or knows of someone who might or even via an ad on Craigslist) somewhere locally? You need to get out of that house YESTERDAY.

Moving to a safe location locally for the next 4-5 months until you can move 800+ miles away is a very good idea. If you can move to the new location now, that would be a good idea.

If you can move, do not tell your mother or siblings where you are moving to, block them from your phone (or port your number to google voice & change your actual mobile phone number), forward all of your mail to a PO Box, & cut off all contact with them immediately.

Your biological family is dangerous to you & they only want you around to be a victim for their behavior.

Advise your HR & supervisor at work that your family has been violent towards you in the past & made threats. If your family attempts to show up at your work, the workplace can have them arrested for trespassing.

Talk to your local police department about the threats & previous attacks by your family. They probably won't be able to issue a restraining order unless you have additional proof (video, hospital visits, etc.). This is how you can make sure that the police know the situation & they won't investigate if your Mom attempts to report you missing, etc. They can advise if a "No Contact Order" sent by an attorney would be a good idea (if you want to pursue a restraining order).

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To make your move easily portable & give you very little furniture for your move, here are some suggestions for items that can easily pack into an average size car with your clothes & personal items.

A well made double height queen size airbed/air mattress (typically less than $100, but max $150). Look for the ones with internal reinforcement, as they are more comfortable for long term sleep (& I know people who have replaced their long term mattress with one).
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07MZTS6GB/
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07D3C73GH/
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07HK3Y6SS/

A thick mattress pad with a feather bed under it, & some cotton/flannel sheets with a blanket or 2, a thick comforter, & a couple of pillows.

Having a thick mattress pad & feather bed (or even another comforter) under the mattress pad will be more comfortable overall & keep a good barrier between the cool air in the bed & your body (so you don't get too cold at night).

TJ Maxx & HomeGoods (or similar) almost always have mattress pads, comforter & sheet sets in their clearance sections. Even at full price, they have all of the items & are almost always less expensive than most stores (including WalMart/Meijer). Occasionally Target will have a sale & their sheets are a decent price. I have bought quite a few sets of 100% cotton high end sheets that have lasted for years at TJ Maxx/HomeGoods. You can sometimes find nice blankets & comforters at Goodwill, Thrift Stores, or garage sales (& they are super cheap!).

A folding camping table & a lamp that can clip onto it become a bedside table.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07VVH4JGB/
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B016U6ZJI0/

An oversized folding chair with a throw blanket becomes a comfy place for you to sit in your bedroom.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01JZSWP2S/
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00P27CTYQ/

All of your clothes can be hung in the closet & items that don't hang (sweaters, socks, underwear) can go into portable shelving with a few drawer inserts.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07PHYTVHJ/
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07PZ6CGL2/
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00NMTUBF0/
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07CG4D8WL/

For any storage (like extra shoes, summer clothes, or extra sheets/blankets), you can use soft boxes & put on the upper shelf or stack on the floor of the closet.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07YWFY9K4/
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07PCNGJP8/

If you end up in a studio apartment & need kitchen items, check your local thrift/recycle stores. You can buy individual cups, dishes, silverware, cooking implements, pots & pans - just enough for 1 person instead of whole sets - which you may not need right now.

When you are moving, you can condense all of your soft items (sheets, blankets, pillows, & clothing) down to a much smaller size by using compression vacuum bags. They are also great for longer term storage!
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B078JHPZ7P/