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u/PlaidTO · 2 pointsr/gaybros

Hey man,
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I'm Serbian-Slovenian, but born in Canada. I have visited Serbia and spent time with my cousins (Ivanjica + Beograd) . I know how conservative and anti-gay the culture is and can only imagine how lonely you must feel. So the first thing I'd say is it's great that you continue to reach out online about the way you're feeling. You've posted a few times about your feelings, even apologizing or indicating you're embarrassed for posting so often, but I think it's the best thing you can be doing for yourself so keep at it.

I'm 28 and privileged to live where I live and am able to be out and open about who I am and who I love. That being said, I've only recently begun to acknowledge my depression and how much being gay has perhaps contributed to that. I grew up in a small town in western Canada which is relatively conservative and didn't realize how much that experience affected me until I left when I was 18 for university across the country to Toronto and could live my life how I wanted instead of how everyone else expected me to be. That's as close as I'll come to saying 'stick it out, it gets better.' But note: it's not a "cliche" if it's actually the truth. But when you're in the thick of it it's impossible to recognize that as anything helpful, so I get it.

I read this book last summer and wish I could have read it when I was 14. If the link doesn't work, it's called "The Velvet Rage" by Alan Downs. It's short, pretty easy read, but holy shit did it change the way I viewed myself, my actions, my feelings. Everything. Can't recommend it enough if you get a hold of a copy or find it online. I understand that having a book like that in your house might be dangerous for you. I recognize my Canadian privilege that I could walk into a bookstore openly and purchase it from the shelf without concern for my own safety.

I started talking with my doctor a few years ago about depression. I pick and bite the skin around my fingers until they are raw and bloody, and twirl my hair and pull it out. It's a form of OCD that's connected to anxiety and depression. I learned about CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) (another user posted a link to it below/above I noticed, so it's not a novel contribution to this discussion) and the takeaway is that you can control your feelings much more than you think you can, it just takes practice and focus. I'm not the best at it yet, but it's a good starting place to learn about your own thought patterns etc. My doctor showed my this site: it's free, I encourage you to check it out.

My doctor also turned me on to mindfulness and yoga. I started doing it at home because I was too nervous to go to a class or something because I felt like I would look like a stupid idiot. So don't let that stop you from trying it at home. If you're in your room for hours on your computer or doing nothing anyway, it's a great thing to do anytime of day to strengthen your mind and body. It sounds hokey, but holy crap do you feel better after. I'm a believer now haha, and have started going to some classes, including a 'hot yoga' session last week which was fun. I started at home on youtube with this 40-minute introduction to yoga video: I've shown a few people this and I've heard feedback that it was stressful, she goes to fast in some spots etc, which I appreciate especially the first time. But if you have to stop the video, go back, etc , especially the first time, do it, and then the second time, the third time, etc it gets much more enjoyable. Here I CAN safely say 'don't worry, it gets better' :P She has tons of other videos that are shorter/longer/specific to certain body parts etc.

An observation if I would: you seem like a very intelligent, introspective, analytical and reflective person who writes a lot. You say you have no interest in doing things, yet you continue to post long essay-type postings. So maybe recognize that writing is something you do enjoy doing, that you write very well, and maybe writing is your thing! Do you journal? Do you write fiction on your own? Do you comment on other things around the internet, like news stories, politics etc? Looking back, especially in my teenage years, I read tons of fiction and wrote a lot of short stories and I think that was how I dealt with my queer feelings. It's almost funny thinking back to those stories and how subtly gay themed they were, lots of themes of loneliness, feeling out of place, feeling different, the other, even one story was about a Vietnam war veteran who came home from the war and couldn't deal so he ended his life. My teacher had me read out that one to the entire class. It was clearly a cry for help, and instead of allowing me to wallow in my shame and self-hate, that teacher acknowledge my strong writing with a good grade (making me feel good about myself) and then sharing it with the class forced me to not be alone with my story/feelings. 10/10 teacher, I often wish I could find him now to tell him how much he meant to me. Actually maybe I'll write him a letter this week. You've inspired me!

Also on your writing and introspection etc, I think you'd enjoy philosophy if you're not already into it. I'm not, but my ex got into and it changed the way he interacted with the world and felt about himself, and I can totally see you enjoying it too. I don't have any recommendations, but I'm sure there's a philosophy thread on reddit/other dudes on here can give recommendations. You have no interest in things, I get it, but you continue to reach out, and so I'm hopeful that you're open to trying new things and finding something that you might discover you do like instead of just complaining that you don't care about anything. All you can ask for yourself is to try :)

It sucks when you have no interest in things, especially school, but DONT let that slip because if nothing else, strong grades IS your way out. There is life beyond the world immediately around you, outside of Serbia, outside of Eastern Europe. The world seems so shitty because the shitty people are often the loudest, and doom and gloom is what brings good ratings to the media, so they have incentive to report on the shitty things. I've worked as an HIV/AIDS counselor in a slum in Kenya, helping/working with people who have literally nothing but they somehow keep going with a hope is unbelievable given their circumstances. Recognizing how much you DO have, and being thankful for the smallest things you DO have, rather than focusing on the negatives of how shitty you have it and how you're feeling, is really all you can do until one day you might have something to actually actively feel happy about.

Going back to when I was 14, all I dreamed about was moving across the country to Toronto for university. It was all I had. Everything I did (school, part time work, extra curricular activities, sports (swimming)) was for that. And then I got accepted and moved away from my small-town life, and that joy, that accomplishment from completing that goal, probably saved my life. I lost my way a bit after that, but found it again at 26 when I was accepted to law school, and here I am now :)

Keep reaching out. Speak to a doctor if you can. I did end up going on antidepressants last year after things in my personal life broke down and my other efforts at self-help weren't enough (yoga, mindfulness, exercise (swimming, biking, running) healthy diet (so important omg. I'm a bottom with some IBS issues, fml right?. Fibre, fibre, fibre. But I digress!), social network, healthy hobbies, etc), and it really helped me. This year I recently had a bit of a mental breakdown (I'm still in law school and continue to have some personal issues relating to my ex and anxiety about my future, money, debt, etc) and was forced to re-evaluate everything again and accept that I have depression, it's okay that I have depression, and sometimes you need medical help in the form of medication to get you out of it. There is so much stigma still about mental health, and it's not accessible for so many people, but if you need it you need it. Think of chemical depression like the flu or a lung infection: you treat it with medication if you have to and then you get better over time. There's nothing wrong with getting antidepressants and using them until the rest of your life works itself out so that you have the structures and stability in place that you no longer need that chemical help. I'm not decided if I'll restart SSRIs this year or not (a doc gave me a prescription, I filled it, the pills are in my bag, but I'm still on the fence whether I need them or not. I likely will start them so I don't ruin the rest of my semester, and then see how things go) but yeah, fuck the stigma, sometimes you need it. It's okay to be depressed, there's a good chance it's a chemical imbalance combined with you being gay, but don't let it fuck up your future. Please. The world has lost too many amazing gay men to depression, shame, and anxiety, and even if you don't end your own life, being unable to do something with your clear amount of intellect would be an equal shame.

Good luck, dude.

u/Homomorphallism · 6 pointsr/gaybros

The best exploration thus far that I've found of why we've developed many of our unique social patterns/traits can be found in "The Velvet Rage".

It's a really good book that IMO every gay man should read for many reasons beyond the question in this thread. Granted, some of the patterns highlighted in the book have since receded, but the book is incredibly insightful even in 2017. Similarly, an even older book "The Best Little Boy in the World", may be interesting to check out too.

Basically the author would argue this sort of behaviour stems from the experiences many of us have growing up, while learning how to come to terms with our sexualities. We're often subjected to a different experience than other boys. We're often taught to be ashamed of ourselves, even if it was never intentional on the part of those around us.

To compensate, many of us learn to behave in ways that constantly bring us affirmation despite a nagging feeling that we are somehow undeserving of affection. For some, this takes the form of becoming hyper-masculine, being homophobic, being a straight A student, going to the gym, etc. For others this may take the form of becoming more feminine, more sassy, more sensitive, more creative, or more caring. It may depend substantially on the people around them during those times. Due to the different experience of being gay, young gay boys may find different routes of attaining affirmation than their straight peers (e.g., by hanging around with girls who may be more likely to accept them — or at least less likely to remind them that other boys are different). The idea is the same for both "masc" and "femme" gays though: do something to set oneself apart as exceptional in order to collect affirmation and avoid feeling uncomfortable with oneself.

Later into life, even after coming out of the closet and been "out" for years, this can evolve into acting outrageously (or, alternatively, it can evolve into a facade of "masc"/"not a bitchy queen"/"non-scene"/"straight acting"). The author argues this is a way of compensating for lingering shame, and protecting oneself from getting hurt, even after being out for years or decades — and it can lead to all sorts of harmful problems in ones life like relationship problems, depression, etc.

To be honest, I'm only part way through the book, but I'm assuming that probably after that the author will get into a later stage where people can let go of the need to constantly prove to themselves that they are loveable.

I should say that I honestly doubt the author is suggesting that guys who use the term "girl" are always doing so out of shame. I think the central thesis is more that these types of behaviours, which set us apart from other men, are often shaped by those early experiences of feeling "different" and seeking affirmation to avoid dealing with shame. So in some of us, those behaviours may begin there. After that it's more like a part of our history and development as a person, and may be something we continue even after letting go of shame.

Those last two paragraphs are extrapolation, so YMMV.

So in the case of your neighbour, maybe they grew up in an environment that made them feel different. Maybe it caused them to feel ashamed. Maybe their father became distant after noticing something was "not normal". Maybe they found affirmation from girls in their lives, who told them they also found men attractive — or by a female adult in their lives who helped them feel better about themselves.

Or maybe after coming out of the closet, they lost many friends. Maybe they found comfort and acceptance by playing the role of "gay best friend". Maybe that's how they survived high school. Maybe they found that by embracing the unexpected — by poking fun at gender in a tongue and cheek manner — they could garner affection and admiration from their peers. Or, maybe they found that it helped them filter out homophobic acquaintances before they could get close enough to do more damage than a stranger could.

And maybe they've also come to terms with it. Maybe now it's simply become a part of who they are — something they say to acknowledge where they've been. Something they say to let other gay men know "girl[, I've been there too]". Even if other gay men have handled their shame differently (e.g., by being the best at sports or lowering their voice to seem more "masc"), perhaps there are commonalities among the experience that this person acknowledges with "girl".

Of course, it's pretty much impossible to know just how this particular person came to use the word in the way that they do. I don't think that's really the point though. The word signals "hey, me too", which, if we're being honest, is something I don't think most of us heard enough of growing up.

u/replicasex · 2 pointsr/gaybros

Not a conventional recommendation but one of my favorite novels is At Swim Two Boys.

It's an Irish novel set during the 1912 Easter Uprising.

It's a bit dense but it's a really breathtaking book. Watch out for the dialect. You'll get used to it.

It's about love and making a place for yourself, an identity. It's a masterpiece.

u/KarthusWins · 2 pointsr/gaybros

I came from a relatively conservative Christian household. When I came out, this book helped me understand the Bible and my faith a lot more. It's definitely worth a read.

The key is to focus on love. Jesus emphasized that love is what matters above all other things, so always try to show unconditional love to other people, even your enemies. That is what being a true Christian is all about.

u/friedpikmin · 3 pointsr/gaybros

/u/manwithahatwithatan, this is definitely worth the read. It's a hard one, but also so very important. I also highly recommend taking the time to read a book called The Velvet Rage. The book is far therapeutic and will help you find the tools you need to get over this struggle.

These reads are important because they acknowledge hard truths you are talking about. The Velvet Rage goes into strategies on how to handle issues a lot of gay men face.

It is all about finding lasting happiness and self-worth. I actually think you are on the right track because you are taking the first and hardest step of acknowledging the problems. Getting to that place of self fulfillment will take time, but you can do it.

One key thing I want to note that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. In fact, if you struggle being happy while single, you will struggle with happiness in a relationship. I have so many gay friends (and straight) who are married and still feel incredibly lonely. Relationships do not fix this sort of thing.

u/daxmillion · 2 pointsr/gaybros

Pick up and read [The Velvet Rage] ( It can be a bit one dimensional at times, but it does a brilliant job of describing the different 'phases' gay men go through as their personalities evolve. At the very least it will help you navigate your friendship a bit better.

u/mrallsunday · 2 pointsr/gaybros

I am going through a similar process and am still healing. Be gentle with yourself. Rest. Learn to forgive. Know that healing takes time and that there is a beginning, a middle, and an end. There is an end. You are alive, you will survive.

Some active things to do to heal that I've found useful.

  • Choose which of your friends to talk to and tell about this carefully. Talk to ones who don't silver-line the relationship and tell you to heal. Don't talk to toxic friends. There are no absolutes in healing.
  • Read self-help books. How To Survive The Loss of a Love and The Velvet Rage both have helped me.
  • Meditate. Use Headspace. Lie down and listen to meditation for healing after a breakup
  • Journal for as long as you have feelings in your head. Get them down. Make sure to include both positive and negative thoughts. Stop journaling when it feels like you aren't writing down anything new.
u/goodbayesian · 1 pointr/gaybros

Epistemology of the Closet is an interesting and very much classic read that's better than most of the queer theory out there.

if you don't mind the often impossible syntax, Gender Trouble is also good and widely read in some parts of the academy.

and Regulating Aversion is an excellent theoretical reading of contemporary dialogues on tolerance.

u/sixandsevens · 3 pointsr/gaybros

I think you're trying to refer to John Money and the Reimer case. (Link is to a book about the case and Dr. Money's influence on gender studies/identity politics and I highly recommend it.) Basically that case, among some work by Dr. Milton Diamond, led to the conclusion that there is some inevitable "nature" aspect to the determination of gender, whether it corresponds with biological sex or not.

I appreciate that you acknowledge not knowing much about certain groups and reaching out to understand them, as I often find myself in the same position. I wish more people thought that way.

u/EarnestBlue · 12 pointsr/gaybros

This reminds me of a decent book I read some years ago titled More Sex is Safer Sex. It was interesting to me, partially because the reviews of it were pretty polarized. Here's a link if you're interested:

u/dilfybro · 1 pointr/gaybros

Perhaps you have unrealistic expectations for how quickly you put on muscle mass -- check out timetoswole for a rough calculation of how quickly you could put it on. But realize that if you're without experience, it will probably take you 2x as long.

You want to put on muscle, the recipe is simple: (1) you need a program of progressive resistence weight training (the program described in "Starting Strength" by Mark Rippetoe is an excellent place to begin, and go until you can backsquat 1.5x your bodyweight) (2) coupled with a daily protein intake equal to about 1gm per lb of lean body mass you have (thus, say you weigh 150lbs total, but let's assume you are 15% body fat, so you have 22lbs of fat and therefore 138lb of lean body mass -- so consume 138gm of protein, daily), (3) coupled with a caloric excess (carbs and fat; 2-3x the gm of protein in carbs is a good ratio), and finally (4) sufficient recovery time between workouts -- 3 workout days a week is the norm, under Starting Strength.

Also: HIIT and cardio isn't going to put on muscle. Only progressive weight training will.

u/bromin8d · 1 pointr/gaybros

I'm way late to this party, but there is a truly exceptional book called At Swim, Two Boys by an Irish author. It is set around the time of the Easter Rising in Ireland and the story and writing are fantastic.


u/ape_unit · 1 pointr/gaybros

This looks interesting though I kind of hope this book paid more attention to historical accuracy and nuance than this review of it did.

Another excellent work on early gay culture and the development of a distinctly gay identity in the United States is Chauncey's Gay New York, a fairly serious scholarly review or pre-WWII gay life in NYC.

u/futuristguy · 2 pointsr/gaybros

I use this stuff instead of waxing... it's amazing: Magic Razorless Cream Shave Regular Strength Light Fresh Scent 6oz Tube

u/joeydball · 1 pointr/gaybros

I just read The Art of Fielding by Chad Harbach, and I really enjoyed it. It's about a baseball team at a small midwestern college. A couple of the characters are gay, and all of the characters are fascinating.

u/alternate-source-bot · 2 pointsr/gaybros

Here are some other articles about this story:

u/[deleted] · 2 pointsr/gaybros

Ill have to get this. I have been looking for a good read! Thanks!

Edit: Reading the preview now. Looks good, will order!

u/footnotefour · 1 pointr/gaybros

I've read his book The Gay Metropolis: The Landmark History of Gay Life in America. It's a very interesting -- and occasionally erotic -- read, even if a number of things are presented matter-of-factly when their actual historical truth is in question.

u/floating_vibes · 2 pointsr/gaybros

I would highly suggest Marlon Bundo, which is John Oliver's book protesting Mike Pence's stance on same-sex marriage. My boyfriend has a copy and it's extremely cute, and the proceeds go to great causes.

u/belligerentsheep · 1 pointr/gaybros

John Oliver wrote a book about the US VP's gay bunny. It's actually kinda cute.

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver Presents A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo (Better Bundo Book, LGBT Children's Book)

Your wife might be able to help with the kids if her brain doesn't melt.

u/Leonine09 · 1 pointr/gaybros

Thanks for this!!! I'm putting it on my TBR list.

Currently reading:

Possible Side Effects - Augusten Burroughs

House of Leaves - Mark Z. Danielewski

Scott Pilgrim Series - Bryan Lee O'Malley

Just bought:

More Than This - Patrick Ness

Looking into the list that your provided too!

u/FoucaultMeMichel · 0 pointsr/gaybros

Go buy him the book Dude, You're a Fag. It's an ethnographic study of high school students and their use of the word "fag." The author concludes that it essentially has no relationship to sexual orientation, but rather that "fag" is used to police masculinity.

I'm not totally sure if it's really that much different from how "feminine" operates here...

Here's a nice summary:,_You're_a_Fag

u/sbstarr · 1 pointr/gaybros

Yeh, that author, Daniel Helmeniak wrote one of the first pro-gay Christian books What the Bible Really Says About Homosexuality. Apparently he continues to be a vital thinking man/theologian.

u/blueboybob · 6 pointsr/gaybros

I always say this book

It is well written

u/spazzinsqueaky27 · 1 pointr/gaybros

literally the hardest thing ever to manscape. i bought this and it works well:

u/MoleMcHenry · 9 pointsr/gaybros

I'm currently reading Dude, You're a Fag: Masculinity and Sexuality in High School. It's an awesome book about gay theory and how out environment can shape sexuality and our perceptions on sexuality and masculinity.

u/gomichaelkgo · 2 pointsr/gaybros

The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs. It may seem like an anachronism, but I feel it is still relevant in our heteronormative world.

u/kitsukidd · 3 pointsr/gaybros

I tried Magic Shaving Cream this week. My bum has never so hairless until now. Basically I left it on for about 10 minutes and hopped in the shower and rinsed. It took off mostly everything and I just went over everything with a razor really carefully. And be careful if you have sensitive skin. I got a slight cooling effect from it but it didn't really affect me as much.

u/hechacker1 · 1 pointr/gaybros

I bought this guy a while back. Waterproof so I can use it in the shower for easy cleanup.

The foil head does loose sharpness if you plan to use it, so buy some extras. For the clippers, I don't think it's replaceable? Never looked into if you can unscrew and replace it.

u/DiscontentDisciple · 8 pointsr/gaybros
  1. Don't feel Guilty.

    1a) Sodom Story: The sin of Sodom wasn't homosexuality, it was in-hospitality. Jesus says so himself, Luke 10:8-12. Same applies to the Rape of the Levite's concubine in Judges 19.

    1b) The Passages in Leviticus 18 and 20 are about the Hebrew Purity code, they are not talking about sin, but ritual purity to enter the holy of holies where God was with His people. It's about violating the "norm". No Pigs because they have split hooves, and hooved animals aren't supposed to have that. No Shell Fish because they are fish that don't have scales/gills. Things that are atypical are considered abnormal, and thus unideal, thus "abomination". But, That word doesn't mean sinful. Same with gay sex, it's a violation of the ideal of male-ness. Men Penetrate; they don't get penetrated. So those verses don't have anything to say to today's world, as when Jesus died the veil on the Holy of Holies was torn, granting everyone access.

    1c) Romans 1: Is an argument about idolatry, not sexuality. He's using sexuality in this case as an example of the deviation from the norm, not as sin. The word unnatural here is actually applied to an action of God in Romans 11, so it doesn't mean sinful. This is Paul appealing to Jewish sensibilities to some extent, applying the logic from the Leviticus passage.

    1d) Vice Lists: 1 Cor 6, 1 Tim 1. The word use 'arsenokoites' isn't used elsewhere. We don't know exactly what it means. But given it's context, we think it is talking about some kind of economic exploitation involving sex, not homosexual sex. So pimping for instance. Probably talking about the men who controlled the temple prostitutes and the men who used them.

    1e) Jude 5-7: Says sex with angels is a no-no. The attempted rape in Sodom was of angels, not men.

  2. depending on where you're from, you may have rights against being kicked out.

    Hope that was helpful.

    Jesus, The Bible, and Homosexuality

    What the Bible Really Says about Homosexuality

    Homosexuality and Christian Faith

    fyi, I have a Masters in Biblical Studies and Theology from one of the top seminaries in the country/world. And I'm a gay Christian. You can be Faithful and gay. =)
u/Hellbear · 4 pointsr/gaybros

You should tell that to the developers of Reddit's iOS APP.
Without the space between the URL and the period, reddit's iOS app treats it as part of the URL and tries to take you to when tapped.

u/scottgreyjoy · 2 pointsr/gaybros

I was reading John Dies at the End last night in bed and had a few moments of... horrorterror

Here are a few books I'm reading right now:

  1. John Dies at the End
  2. Infinite Jest

  3. House of Leaves
u/JCPalmer · 1 pointr/gaybros

Buying these... just finished Beyond Acceptance... It really helped me understand where my parents are at... and kinda where they're coming from.

u/northsidefugitive · 1 pointr/gaybros

This is the premixed cream, much easier to use. There you go. Just never leave it on too long. That's a bad day.

u/hamburglars · 3 pointsr/gaybros

Electric razors and body trimmers! Shit like this.

u/AufDerGalerie · 3 pointsr/gaybros

Big Hugs!!!! Some things I do when I’m hurting:

  • Make a playlist of songs
  • A meditation practice called tonglen. Tonglen is taking and sending. During tonglen meditation when you inhale you take in pain and suffering that sentient beings are feeling right now out the world. When you exhale you send out joy and healing. There are videos on how to do it on YouTube.

    When my first real bf broke up with me I was devastated. A friend gave me a book called How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It helped. The whole thing is available for free online here.
u/mildfury · 7 pointsr/gaybros

I also suffer from mental illness, which I believe the bigotry of my upbringing contributed. I don't blame my sexuality, I blame a heteronormative society. The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs, PhD is an excellent narrative on "overcoming the pain of growing up in a straight man's world." It was recommended by one my therapists. Reading this book was cathartic experience and revealed the shared experience of my own struggle. It was very helpful in starting my journey of overcoming anger and shame.

u/viviphilia · 21 pointsr/gaybros

Yes, from that shitty post which gets a laugh at the expense of gender-sex variant individuals, I am assuming that he has not imagined it. If he had actually imagined what it would be like, for example, to have been "Born a male. Bad circumcision. Raised female" then he might understand how painful it is to be lumped in with a "household pet that walked across the keyboard."

In that particular case of a botched circumcision, one doesn't need to imagine since there is a detailed biography of such a person. "As Nature Made Him" is the tragic story of David Reimer, and how he was driven to insanity and suicide by the doctor who tried to raise him as female after a botched circumcision. While it might be funny for a "simple gay man," this kind of social humiliation drives some people to their deaths.

Seeing it happen here, where people should know better, is especially sad.

u/rhorke · 14 pointsr/gaybros

What comes to mind is The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs.

From the Amazon page,
>The most important issue in a gay man’s life is not “coming out,” but coming to terms with the invalidating past. Despite the progress made in recent years, many gay men still wonder, “Are we better off?” The byproduct of growing up gay in a straight world continues to be the internalization of shame, rejection, and anger—a toxic cocktail that can lead to drug abuse, promiscuity, alcoholism, depression, and suicide. Drawing on contemporary psychological research, the author’s own journey, and the stories of many of his friends and clients, Velvet Rage addresses the myth of gay pride and outlines three stages to emotional well-being for gay men. The revised and expanded edition covers issues related to gay marriage, a broader range of examples that extend beyond middle-class gay men in America, and expansion of the original discussion on living authentically as a gay man.

Take it with a grain of salt, of course, as it may be a little dated and it does not dissect every personality trait and life situation, but I think it has some conversational value.

u/ColdWarConcrete · 5 pointsr/gaybros

I was a sorta late bloomer, coming out in the later part of college. I didn't really have people to talk to, most people didn't suspect so it wasn't ever brought up. When I decided to start coming out, I wanted to prepare with stories and experiences from others, but really I didn't know where to look. At that age, the internet had slim pickings for what I was looking for. The book The Velvet Rage offered some reasoning to the way I was feeling. In retrospect, I disagree with some of the author's perspectives, but at that time, it helped.

When I actually started telling people, I would get really tired, and go to bed. The following morning I always woke up with nausea and would puke. No drinking involved, but it was a weird psychosomatic response I experienced.

I guess in a way, your sadness comes from a mixture of things; in a way, it's a mourning of no longer having to be a person that repressed a certain part of their life. It's also an overwhelming sadness of knowing that you've missed out on things in life if it hadn't been for the burden of hiding. I experienced A LOT of rage, not with myself, but with the conditions of the world around me. Things didn't make sense for a while, and when they did, they always felt "fresh." Like not knowing when I could start telling friends about the guys I thought were hot. Always thinking "Oh god, am I being 'too gay' now or have I always felt this way?"
Having your situation be an "open secret" can make this process harder as it raises questions about trust and suspicion. But overall, just know that this takes time, it takes a lot of time. Be patient. Listen to yourself, and think things through.