Reddit reviews Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive: 10th Anniversary Edition
We found 7 Reddit comments about Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive: 10th Anniversary Edition. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
Jeremy P Tarcher Penguin a Member of Penguin
How old is your child? Can you think of specific situations you have struggled with?
First, full disclosure. I'm not a parent, but I am wrestling with this myself while waiting to adopt an infant. I am also acting as a pseudo secondary mother to my teenage sister who is still under the thumb of our nmom. The work for the former, in conjunction with facing issues with nmom head on, has resulted in a huge difference with my sister. I used to perpetuate my mom's abuses, but since then an increase in empathy, patience and respect for autonomy has made all the difference. Situationally it looks different with younger kids, but it comes from the same place.
YMMV of course, but thus far our philosophy can be boiled down to a few core elements:
Of my giant stack of books, I'd recommend:
If you're a busy parent who doesn't have time to read, I highly recommend this Siegel playlist about attachment and this video about communication and boundaries. Those two will probably lead you down a pretty decent youtube rabbit hole.
Good luck!
Oh hon, I feel you. This gets me because I felt the same way. I still do. I have a 19 month old toddler.
Start here: Parenting from the Inside Out.
This book will really help you decipher your family, and really give you hope and tools for not reproducing their problems onto your little beauty of a tiny awesome person.
It's pretty straightforward and incredibly useful.
Then read this and this. Yes read them while you're pregnant because again they will give you hope and insight.
Buy this book and start reading it now too. We call it the Baby Bible in our house.
It's a survival manual for the first year of their life. It has everything. I don't know how many times we've pulled it down and flipped to the index at 2:00 am. It's better than Google. It's fantastic. (That said, it has an angle like all parenting books, even though it tries not to. They are attachment parenting writers. Nothing wrong with attachment parenting per se, just an awareness all parenting books have angles, even the impartial ones.)
Also, if you're anything like me, avoid all the happy, glowing, blowing-stardust-and-glitter-up-your-ass, pregnancy books out there. These did nothing but enrage me. I'm talking about What to Expect and similar. Unless you like stardust and bullshit, avoid avoid avoid.
Basically if you go to a thrift store and there's 8 copies of the damn pregnancy or parenting book on the shelf, don't buy it.
Instead check out books like this and this and this.
Now I haven't read those exact books, unlike all my other recommendations above, all of which I've personally read as a scared, overwhelmed pregnant lady or new mom. But as long as you stay in the 'brutally honest' lane and away from the 'syrupy sweet, guilt laden, shame' lane, then you'll be fine.
Even in 2019 there's a mountain of mommy advice bullshit books out there. Keep your instincts and your wits about you, don't forget who you are. Stay strong. And work on yourself with books like Parenting from the Inside Out and the How to Talk books.
I actually recommended the paperback more. So you can find the more useful parts for you
https://www.amazon.ca/gp/aw/d/039916510X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1494800439&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=parenting+from+the+inside+out&dpPl=1&dpID=51ltGKpPCML&ref=plSrch
> It's not acknowledged because it's both mentalistic
I don't know what you mean by 'mentalistic'
> and just plain wrong to implicitly assert that the source of observed needs is not behaviour itself but, instead, some kind of as-yet undefined entity related to the categories/classes of behaviour labelled as "attachment styles".
Okay, let's unpack this.
A behavior is something you do, an action, or an attitude toward something. It can be a single thing, or it can be a repeated pattern.
Do we agree on this? You are welcome to propose your own definition if you wish.
A need is a drive stemming from how our brain and body is wired, develops and thrive and that is required for us to survive or to thrive.
Do we agree on this? There are decades of studies on needs, weather it is the overly simplified Maslow Pyramid model or any other, but the key here is that it is an essential drive, although it can be an unconscious drive.
A desire is an impulse someone has, before that impulse translates (or not) into a behavior.
Both needs and desires may trigger various behaviors.
So far, are good?
Now let's pick it apart.
> ... to implicitly assert that the source of observed needs ...
Needs rarely are observable. The behavior, being a concrete action, is often observable. Needs aren't.
If you are hungry, you can observe a lot of different behavior stemming from that need; but "hungryness" isn't observable in and of itself. What you observe are only the manifestations of that need.
Needs don't have a "source", or at least an external one.
Needs stems from how your body and your brain develops and function.
Needing oxygen to breath doesn't come from an outside source, it comes from how your body works to keep you alive.
So are any needs.
> some kind of as-yet undefined entity related to the categories/classes of behaviour labelled as "attachment styles".
First, attachment isn't a "style". You are mixing up with "parenting style". Attachment and parenting styles are two different things, although they may be inter-related, since certain parenting style may promote more or less secure attachments.
Second, attachment isn't a class of behavior. It's more a kind of relationship.
Some kind of relationships may or may not allow some of your fundamental needs to be met.
No child can grow up properly, no brain can mature properly without this special relationship with a caregiver.
And third, it's not "as-yet undefined", it's supported by decades of research, first by researcher Ainsworth and Bowlby, then later by several new branches of study in neurobiology, as MRI scans have shown a direct link between attachment type and brain hemisphere development.
> I'd love to hear about this entity that controls a child's needs.
Like I said, it doesn't "control" a child's need. However it's fundamental to a child's developing brain architecture as it is the basis of meeting the child's needs required for growth. If you are sincerely interested into learning more, there are a gazillion books on the topic; here is on:
Parenting from the inside out, from Dr Seigel & Hartzell
> Do adults have this entity within them as well?
It is not an "entity", like I said, it's a relationship.
And yes, as adult, we are heavily influenced by the kind of attachment we had with our parents and this in turn has a huge impact on how we approach new relationships in our adult life, from spouse to our own children as parents. To make a story short (because the are studies upon studies on this), the attachment you had with your parents has a 70% predictor for the outcome of how you will bond and the kind of relationship you have with your loved one as an adult, and with your own children. This stems from how the brain's hemispheres connections are building up as you grow up with secure or insecure attachments, which in turn will over or under develop certain part of the brain (we know this from MRI studies) . I could develop more on that if you are genuinely interested to hear more.
> On another note, your verbal behaviour suggesting that behaviourists might raise their children "as if they were dogs or pigeons" is wholly inappropriate
I was attacking the discipline, not the people using it. But yes it is true, it certainly could have been said with less salt and in a more gentle manner.
Behaviorism remains a very useful discipline to help children coping with various special needs; and it is also very useful when combined to other disciplines as treatment for various pathological conditions; but as a tool for parenting, it unfortunately bypass all notions of cognition, applying rules that were discovered for animals onto children as if they follow the same conditions. In my life as a parent educator and family counselor, the far reaching influence of that first discipline of psychology has had an immense and powerful negative consequence on millions of parents worldwide, justifying practices that are found today to be down right damageable to children.
The author of that advice could have written something like: "When it comes to simply addressing the behavior itself, behavioral science shows 4 different category of intervention"... without attempting to tell parents that there are really only those 4 ways of handling children's behavior, tearing down every single other disciplines along the way.
Parenting from the Inside Out is a book all about dealing with your own shit so you don't take it out on your kids. It's written by child psychiatrists/experts and is presented in both a logical and empathetic way. It also has suggestions on how to utilize the information so you have ways of putting it all into practice.
Oh man! I'm taking care of my dad with dementia full time and half the time I want to murder him. It is HARD.
I strongly suggest that you find a psychotherapist to talk to and work this out with. It will take a few years but the earlier you start working through your emotions and feelings, the sooner you can move on with your life.
There are things worse than death. Anybody telling you "at least she's still alive," is not speaking through experience. They have no idea... Forgive them. And try not to let their words affect you. They are speaking through ignorance.
I cannot imagine being raised by a parent with dementia... Your feelings are valid. In case you cannot afford a therapist (totally plausible in our country), I suggest reading books. These suggestions may seem off topic, but i have found them to be very helpful in learning how people should interact, how the brain develops, and that there are people out there who interact with the people in their lives with empathy and compassion. You may find it empowering to educate yourself about brain development and psychology.
Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive, Dan Siegel
Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges
Emotional Intelligence 2.0
I wish you luck in life!
It might not be exactly what you’re looking for, but “Parenting From the Inside Out” by Dan Spiegel was a profound read for me. I am a parent, but it helped me to understand more about the way my childhood impacted my brain development more than it helped me with parenting. Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive: 10th Anniversary Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/039916510X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_tmUoDbGN6QMYG