Reddit reviews The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families

You can't go wrong citing this book.

Realistically, we know very little about polyamorous people sociologically or statistically. The sideways angles for which study funding can sometimes be found tell us only so much more.

We won't end up getting into raising children in part 2, although it's something I think about often. The good news is that, given current studies, children raised in poly families seem to be about as happy and well-adjusted as children in monogamous families. I want to say something about this briefly on the podcast, but in the meantime here are some resources:

More Than Two

Also, Elisabeth Sheff has a couple books on polyamorous families. The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families is a bit more academic, and Stories from the Polycule: Real Life in Polyamorous Families is an anthology of personal stories.

So, first off, good for you for looking for advice and more information! I think a lot of parents (mine included) would complete write off your daughter's relationships. I'd recommend checking out More Than Two, which is a website dedicated to information and advice about polyamory and nonmonogamy. There's also a book by the same title that I highly recommend!

Many of the other posters have addressed the major concerns in the main body of your post, but I thought I'd take a stab at answering your questions from the edit. (Sorry it's so long...I [apparently] have a lot of opinions.)

Background on me: 25F, two partners - wife (25F, together 7 years) and boyfriend (29M, together 1 year), nonmonogamous for just over 3 years. Also I'm writing my Master's thesis on consensual nonmonogamy.

>where do you find the time to manage all of this?

God only knows. Like any relationship, I make time. Sometimes I have lots of time to give, sometimes less. Thoughtful planning and communication with everybody involved are the keys here.

>how can one of your bf not be jealous when you're lierally having sex in the room next to him?

Some people do get jealous (lots of people get jealous). Some people agree to keep their relationships completely separate, including keeping them out of the same house. Some people train themselves over time not to mind as much. Also in my opinion it's really important not to be rude - even with a non-romantic roommate loud sex at inopportune times is uncomfortable. Be considerate of everybody as much as possible.

>if you want children wouldn't they be seriously confused about having all these people in their life and also if you broke up with one partner wouldn't they suffer from not seeing them again?

A lot of kids grow up with more than two parents; for example step parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends of the family, etc. One of my friends' parents divorced and both got remarried before she was 5 years old and she talks a lot about how supported and loved she's always felt with four parents. Breakups and people coming and going are part of life - married monogamous parents divorce, single parents date and break up. Ultimately what I'm saying is this is no a uniquely polyamorous situation and kids from polyamorous families, according to studies like this one by Dr. Elisabeth Sheff, grow up as well-adjusted and happy as their peers.

>when you stay with the couple you're dating don't you feel less important to them as they have dated each other for so long and love each other more and you could never be as important on any of them as their bf/gf is?

This is a common problem, actually. Some people decide polyamory is not for them after experiences like this. But in most cases where the relationship lasts it's because each person in the couple has an individual relationship with the third person. A shorter relationship doesn't mean less love by any means.

>aren't you scared that somebody you love will find somebody they love more and you'll be less important to them and that you''ll love them more than they love you?

Yes. Of course. This is a very human fear. But I trust my partners, love my partners, and communicate with my partners. Even if they do find someone else they love someday, I know that they won't stop loving me because their heart has grown to love someone else in addition to me. I don't need to put my relationship on the Love-o-Meter to determine who loves who more or enough because I am happy, comfortable, confident, and secure in my relationships.

>don't you ever feel like you care about one person more than the others?

To be honest, not really. I love my wife, my partner of 7 years. I also love my boyfriend, my partner of 1 year. The way I love them is different in a lot of ways because they are different people. It's not really a "less" or "more" kind of thing.

>when you fight with one of them do u feel like not putting a lot of effort in repairaing the relationship cause you have other partners and you feel like they understand you better and it's just now worth it to bother over one person?

No because I still love the partner I'm fighting with even though we're fighting. A fight doesn't stop me from loving them. Having another partner, though, gives me the chance to be comforted when I'm sad and be a sounding board when I'm confused or angry. It's kind of weird to cry in the arms of one partner because the other has made me sad, but it's also deeply comforting.

>when you broke up with one of your partner do u feel sad? And will ur other paryners confort you? And when ur partner break up with somebody do u ever feel happier cause u can have more time with them?

Of course I feel sad after a breakup! Just like I would be sad if any person who is deeply important to me left me life. But especially a loved partner, yes it hurts. Different people and partners react to breakups in different ways, but many partners are more worried about supporting and comforting their sad partner than being happy at the cause of their sadness.

>do u feel like one of ur relationship can't progress anymore cause maybe you are already married or living with somebody and ur other partners can't move in?

Sometimes. Yeah. And this is why it's important to communicate. Some people are very happy having relationships on different "levels" and they never have a need to get married or move in together. But if that does become important, all the partners need to work and talk together to come to a solution that works for everybody. Easier said than done, of course. But vital.

>AND THE MOST IMPORTANT: do you ever get that feeling when you love somebody so much that it feels like your love for them is consuming u and you need them like air to breath, and you never ever just want to be apart for them cause you just feel like you've became one thing with them and you're just not able to live without them? If u do how can u deal with the fact that it is time for ur partner to spend time with somebody else or the fact that they may feel like this toward another person?

YES! Oh god it's like how much I love them is crushing me but also making me fly? At the same time? And the most amazing thing is being able to celebrate that with another partner! My boyfriend adores my relationship with my wife because we complete each other in a beautifully unique way. No couple spends all their time together, it's unhealthy. They work, they have hobbies, they have friends. So spending time away from each other, be it one of those things or with another partner, is a part of a relationship and one that a couple can learn to navigate together. It can be hard (super hard, so hard, oh my god it is HARD!!!) but it is exhilarating when it works out.

https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/PolyResearchers/info

Also

http://www.amazon.com/Polyamorists-Next-Door-Multiple-Partner-Relationships/dp/1442222956