Reddit reviews It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand

I appreciate that you’ve brought this up.

A dear friend of mine is (not) coping with very serious health issues and the loss of her beloved father concurrently. Her pain, from this combination of sources, is quite simply more than she can tolerate. She’s extraordinary strong. She’s psychologically nimble. Her emotional intelligence quotient is unusually high. Still, her physical and emotional pain is life-limiting now, and may well become life-threatening. It’s a challenge to be with her and not look away from her pain, particularly because there is so little that any of us who love her can do to ameliorate it. But holding her hand, sitting quietly in her presence, and offering company without offering false cheer is what she wants, when she has the energy to be around other people.

Recently, she found a book that’s brought her some peace of mind: It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay. The subtitle of the book, Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand, echoes your observation that society models “toxic positivity,” and the SGI certainly enforces this behavioral norm quite ruthlessly among the members. There are so many stories embedded in these threads - some of them my own - about members being brusquely sidelined for displaying inappropriate emotions at meeting. By inappropriate, I mean sharing one’s troubles or disappointments or worries, when meetings are meant solely for recruiting, and therefore must be kept lighthearted and full of winning and appreciative experiences.

Get Megan's book and read it. It will give you some comfort and understanding how to survive.

https://www.amazon.com/Its-That-Youre-Not-Understand/dp/1622039076

I, too, lost my father. My heart is with you.

While not a “cozy” book, per se, I do greatly recommend Megan Devine’s book, “It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand.” [https://www.amazon.com/dp/1622039076/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_fN12DbHW2A9T9 ]

I can’t say enough good things about this book; I feel like Megan crawled into my grieving head and heart and wrote out all of the feelings that I didn’t think anyone would understand...because she wrote it from a place of grief too.

I really really hate people telling me to “do this, it’ll help you,” because I immediately will refuse to do it...but if you buy this book and hate it, I will buy it from you. I’m that much of a lover of Megan’s work. She also runs a writing group that I participate in...and I promise that I do not get any credit or kickbacks or anything from referring you to her or this book. I just couldn’t find anything that helped me - and I’m a no-nonsense, don’t-bullshit-me person - and this was what finally clicked for me.

I’ve commented about this book a lot on Reddit; I’m sure you can find posts in my comment history. ❤️

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter at 38 weeks under similar circumstances in September. I have found the two books below to be helpful.

Book: It’s OK that you’re not OK is a helpful analysis of the grief associated with losses like stillbirth, and analysis of how friends/family/society reacts (typically poorly) to these types of losses.

Book: They were still born A collection of short, well-written essays written by men and women with stillborn children.

You should DEFINITELY check out Meghan Devine’s book “It’s OK That You’re Not Ok.” It is a book for people who lose their loved ones very suddenly and unexpectedly, and how to help your loved ones when that happens to them — first, I would read it. It will give you an incredibly visceral understanding of what she’s going through emotionally. Most importantly, it will tell you what NOT to do. Because your friend is in such a delicate place, she can be easily hurt and offended right now. This will give you guidelines. Then, when you think enough immediate pain has passed, give her the book to read, too.

The most important thing to know at the moment is that 1) you cannot fix this 2) she does not want you to fix this. She just needs you to literally be there, and verify how terrible everything is. Acknowledge that this is the absolute worst thing in her life, & that everything she is feeling is real & appropriate. I cannot stress it enough - you can’t fix it or even help it. Don’t try to do either of those things right now. Just be near her. That is the most you can do for her, and you, right now. Very best wishes, and so much love to you & her.

It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok

> How do we get better from this?!

Very slowly and painfully. And it will take everything you have at a time when you have so little to give.

There are things that you can do to make this a little easier, medications like antidepressants as "Intcleastw0od" suggested, can numb the pain but it might just delay what you need to go through so it was not my choice, plus they all have annoying side effects and can be difficult to stop. I choose not to take any.

Doing something physical as "gpdno" suggested is helpful. Walking, hiking, biking, whatever, doing something physical as much as possible really seems to help some people reduce the suffering. Beating stuff up might be even better but I didn't try that.

Therapy can give you someone 'in-person' to talk with and will hopefully acknowledge what you are feeling and give you some tools to reduce the suffering. I found it too exhausting to talk with someone the first few months for I would always end up crying, so I choose to not do therapy. And if you are like most of us, and have limited coverage or money for therapy, you can try reading Megan Devine's book. She is a therapist that understands our pain and suffering, she lost her husband, so her words and suggestions are very credible and comforting.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1622039076/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0

To deal with the constant negative thoughts; the fears, the regrets, those horrible voices in our head, meditation might be helpful. I started using the guided meditation app called Headspace as suggested by someone else here. At first I thought it was just about learning how to meditate, which I knew is supposed to be helpful dealing with negative thoughts, but I quickly realized they offer training sessions that focus on specific topics like grief, sadness, loneliness, and regret. I have been doing them all, one by one, usually just 15 minutes a day. The grief sessions are 30 in total and worth the $13 for the month period. I hope it can help you.

https://www.headspace.com/

You're right - you don't need to put pressure on yourself like that. It's OK that you're not OK.

(Incidentally, there's a grief book with that very name. I don't know if it focuses on losing a partner or is good for a wide range of losses, but it is one of the book many people find helpful. If you feel like you need to read around, this might be one to look at.)

I’m so sorry for you and your family. I’ve experienced the same type of injury happening to a loved one and there really is no way to communicate just how life-altering it is for everyone, including people who come into our lives after the fact. I’d highly recommend the book It’s OK That You’re Not OK. The main message is essentially that our culture treats grief and sadness as something to be ‘fixed’ or ‘healed’ as soon as possible, but really humans often experience grief for the rest of their lives in some form after major events like this. The book has great advice for learning how to walk alongside grief without pushing it away, but also without letting it rule your life or stifle other experiences.

I found the book helpful because of how much its message mirrored the way I saw people treating my loved one’s injury, which left him as a quadriplegic. So many cards came in telling him to “get well soon” or “heal as quickly as possible so he can get back out there.” All well meaning of course, but the nature of this type of injury is that there will never be the kind of healing/back-to-normal people want. Life will always be different. I’ve found that the people who accept that into their hearts have been the best supports through all of this. It seems like you’ve done a wonderful job of embracing your future brother-in-law for who he is, and I commend you for trying to understand the grief his family is going through and recognizing that they will always experience it in a different way than you do.

And the other comments about ring theory are spot on! You need support in this situation, and it’s important to find that from people who are less close to the center than you are so that you can continue to support your FH and his family.

When you are ready you may consider reading a book on how to navigate grief. Here is a book that looks highly recommended.


I would strongly encourage you to let yourself keep crying, keep seeing a therapist, and try not to fall back on drugs or alcohol to self medicate your pain. You have to experience the grief to get past it. It's like those finger traps. You can fight the trap but it only makes it worse, you could just drink to try to numb the annoyance of the trap, but the only way to get the trap off is to stop fighting it, stop trying so hard to solve it. That may be a very dumb analogy. I've lost both my parents and I've seen healthy coping and unhealthy coping in myself and my siblings. Try to avoid the unhealthy stuff best you can.

Two books stand head and shoulders above all others in helping me deal with the intense grief and mourning after the death of one dog in May of last year, then another in June of this year.

Heart Dog: Surviving the loss of your canine soul mate

It's OK that you're not OK - this one is about dealing with grieving the loss of a spouse, partner, friend, but I still found the advice to be relevant to me.

I know it gets old, but I just want to start with that I'm so, so sorry. I cannot even begin to fathom how painful this is for you.


Your anger is normal, justified. But I don't know if it'll every 'truly' go away, just like grief itself. It just gets easier to carry, and sort of 'mold' into a compartment that is easier to deal with over time. It'll always be there, but over time you just learn to grasp it differently.


I've never had [human] kids to lose, but I lost my dad, uncle, and a dear friend all last year, all spread apart. I also still randomly, for no reason, quake with rage. Or sob uncontrollably. Or feel like a void with absolutely nothing.


It'll get easier with time, as far away as that sounds. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this.


If you're a reader at all, I can't suggest this enough: It's Okay that You're Not Okay - I really can't put into words how much it helped be able to have words and definitions or what I felt and was going through.

https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1622039076/_encoding=UTF8?coliid=I2TA8ABLC1IRLY&colid=14IKR75RUAJIH&psc=0

This is needed, just because. Thanks for the contest.