Reddit reviews Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
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Not Just Friends
In the book Not "Just Friends", Dr. Glass explains that persons with prior sexual history should be off limits because they've already had shared experiences and lowered boundaries. Having this guy around doesn't just sound like a bad idea from you, from the professionals, and other redditors; it IS a bad idea!
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I am the wayward in my relationship and my wife and I have been in R for over 4 years.
This isn't your fault. Read this over and over again. What you are going through is the discovery that the person the that you had invested in a relationship which you believed was monogamous has shown you that the relationship wasn't the same for them.
The innocent trust, safety, and security, which was invested at the beginning of the relationship is gone. It was wiped away from finding out the person you trusted attacked the foundation of the relationship.
Most professionals put this timeline for this healing at 2-5 years, and there is good reason for this timeline. First is that the wayward has lost all credibility in their words, which requires them to back up those words with actions. If the actions they do don't match the words they say then that sets off alarms. It takes consistent effort and work on the part of the wayward to show the betrayed that they mean what they say and doesn't happen in weeks.
Most of the world believes that getting over infidelity is: Forgive, Forget, move on. This is complete bullshit because in order to get over this you need to be shown that the person you are sharing your relationship is still not betraying you and sharing it with others behind your back.
So lets look at this formula which is usually spouted by those who don't know shit about healing from infidelity.
Forgive - You cannot forgive what you don't know about. This is why you will continue to ask questions. When something the wayward says just doesn't make sense you will question. Questioning helps you in two ways. First it is a check to see if your memory is right about an answer given. This is because there is a "Trauma Fog" in the brain after you discovery infidelity. Your brain is racing full stop 100% because its trying to figure out if you are safe or not. This is tiring so you are dealing with that. Second it is a check on the wayward to see if the story is the same. Sadly most waywards just lie, and they build stories. Problem is that since the events in the lies are false, there is no real memory to rely on to repeat them verbatim. There will be mistakes made and things will change if they are lying.
You aren't doing this to torture your wayward, you are doing this because this is controlled by the limbic system in the brain which controls the fight or flight impulses. This system is NOT controlled by the logical systems in the brain and works kinda independently. This is why you can't will this stuff away and it keeps coming back.
So the fact is that you need to know if what you have been told is the truth. The brain, under the control of the limbic system is going up and down the timeline of the relationship in your memory trying to sort out the truth of the relationship, the truth of what you have been told, and try to resolve any and all red flags that come up in your mind even with situations which happened at the very beginnings of the relationship.
Forget - There is no magic pill that will remove this from your life. You can't forget it. Forgetting about it means that you are trying to push it under the surface and not process it. What happens in this situation is that you live your life and there is this huge affair shaped elephant that you have to deal with in every interaction. Its there, and no matter what you guys do you can't ignore it. So finally after ignoring the elephant for a few months something happens and all of a sudden this huge swell of rage, and sorrow comes to the surface and its usually during a small conversation about why someone didn't clean the coffee pot or something like that.
Move on - I hate this phrase. It makes it seem that infidelity is this 4 car accident on the highway that you creep up on and then finally are able to move past and then get back up to speed and continue the journey. Affairs aren't accidents or mistakes. I prefer the term Move Through. This means that in order to heal from this you need to process what has happened. You need as much detail as you need in order for your brain to sit back and say... yeah... ok.. I can deal with this now... the holes in the past are patched with that ugly infidelity wall paper but at least the pieces fit together and I am reasonably certain I have as much truth as I need. The second part of this moving through is that your wayward partner / spouse needs to figure out what the fuck is inside his head that allowed him to choose to do this. Mind you, this was a choice. It wasn't an accident, it wasn't a mistake. It was a choice.
Moving through means that the wayward has to change some deep parts of themselves which allowed them the ability to do this. So this means that they have to address issues with their lack of honesty, lack of transparency etc.
Holy fuck, I can write a wall of text... I am getting to the end of this, I promise...
So I am going to recommend two books at this point. These were instrumental in me pulling my head out of my ass and helping me get to a point where my wife and I have been able to continue to be in reconciliation.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
PDF found here: https://www.scribd.com/doc/65498163/How-to-Help-11-06-10-Final-PDF
This book is 90 pages and gets into the actions of what the wayward needs to start doing in order to help you heal. She gives a list of 15 actions and attitudes which are key to recovery.
The second book is:
Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
This book is one of the heavy hitters. It can be hugely triggery for a betrayed because she uses examples from her clients to show how affairs start and move through the phases. However she does have good information on treating infidelity on a traumatic level because research has shown that the effects of infidelity on the betrayed are akin to those found in PTSD symptoms of those who have been in major accidents, natural disasters, and even combat.
Again, I am sorry that you are here. This is hard when the wayward is doing all the right things, and its next to impossible when they aren't.
>I know it sounds like bullshit, but I have no reason to lie to you since you don't know me and I don't know you. I had had exactly the same feelings years ago for a female friend of mine when I was living abroad. My behavior could even be described as an "admiration of foreigners."
You absolutely do have a reason to lie to us.
You are deceiving yourself into believing this relationship with your co-worker is platonic and you're desperate to believe your own lies.
You're also asking for advice on how to manipulate your husband into allowing you to have an emotional and most certainly physical affair.
I recommend you read this book.
This sucks. While I'm one that likes marriages to work, he is a habitual cheater. And he will travel on business.
Cheaters do have a tendency to cheat again...eventually.
Get the book Help Your Spouse Recover From Your Affair. For him. And Not Just Friends for you.
Cheating while wife is pregnant is repugnant.
>She begged me for another chance she told me how she was going to make it work. How she was going to please me.
One doesn't fix cheating by pleasing their partner. One fixes it by changing whatever crappy things are in their character that allowed them to cheat.
>She basicly pointed out all the flaws in our marriage and said she was going to fix it.
One doesn't fix the crappy things in their character that allowed one to cheat by blaming their cheating on the betrayed person.
I'd suspect you've hit the tip of the iceberg and the beginnings of trickle truth. It starts out with swearing nothing physical. Then, you catch some lie or see something and it's "it was just a kiss". Then, you find something else and it's "we just had sex the one time, I swear!" Then... Well, you get it.
Regret != remorse. Since you're away, you could suggest (don't demand it - see if she'll take the initiative because she really does want to fix things) she read Not Just Friends on her own right now. If you suggest it, but come back and she hasn't taken the initiative, you may have your answer right there.
Edit: Given the sweatshirt and thread another poster found, I'd still start towards divorce. This does not preclude reconcilition and may actually help start towards a better, new marriage with her or someone else.
Might not be a bad idea for both you and your wife to read "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass.
http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
There are boundaries in friendship. Cross those boundaries, and bad things can happen. For example, say your wife and her friend spend the a couple of hours talking about the best ways to save and invest for retirement. Cool. Now say they spend a couple hours talking about how each of their respective spouses is lacking in some way. That's not cool. One conversation can be shared freely with you. The other one you are never going to hear about.
It does not take a genius to see which of these two examples can lead down a troublesome road.
> support each other
That's the problem right there for me. If we have a fight and need a bit of time apart, the last thing I want to be thinking is that she is off talking to this guy for "support", and maybe he's single and lonely right now. F that.
> If you don't have the discipline and willpower to avoid making it more than I think that's on you.
As I've said elsewhere, I think this line of thinking comes from a naive place. If you're open-minded about it, this is an excellent book that explains how bad situations can develop even when all parties have the best of intentions: https://www.amazon.ca/NOT-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
We don't just see someone and decide to fall in love with them. You are far less in control of your romantic feelings than you might think.
Ok, I'm back. I'm going to base my advice on how it went down for me. Your marriage is royally fucked and it is going to take some SERIOUS hard work to get it back together. When I say serious hard work, I'm talking like you're going to feel like you would rather divorce than go through what you're going to have to go through to fix your marriage. It is going to be very, very painful and you'll likely both be miserable and ready to throw in the towel many, many times. I'm going to be blunt cause I'm tired and want to get this out to you quickly: you two need to get your asses into counseling immediately. IMMEDIATELY. If you can afford it, get a counselor for the two of you together, get your own individual counselor, and have her get her own individual counselor. You'll need all three because one will help you with your marriage, and the others will help each of you deal with all your own personal fucked up shit that got you here in the first place. You'll need that confidential counselor to talk and vent to, apart from the one you and your wife have.
Watch this TED talk about infidelity.
Read this book about infidelity.
If you haven't already, you need to stop all contact with the women you were sexting. Answer all of your wife's questions honestly. 100% honestly. Don't go into the unnecessary graphic sexual details if she isn't specifically asking about those, but be honest. She's going to be so pissed at you that it might be miserable to be around each other. Give her space if she needs it. Try to be gentle with each other. If you have kids, DO NOT lose your shit with each other in front of the kids. Keep things civil for the kids so you don't scar them. Don't make any major decisions about jobs/housing/finances/etc. until you both have a bit more clear thinking....which will be awhile from now. Basically, sit tight and try not to do anything stupid until you can get into your first counseling appointment. Make your appointment right away.
If you can post more details about your situation then I can help you more. How many years married? Kids? How is your wife taking this? Do you want to stay married? Do you think you can control yourself to not do this again? Do you have a history of acting out sexually? Do you love your wife? What do you want for your future together, if you even envision one? Are you willing to be 100% honest about your role in this? How's your sex life? If you could write a story about how your marriage will end up after this, what would that story look like?
That's all I have for now. You can read back through my post history if you want a better idea of where I'm coming from. Hopefully some of my advice can be helpful for you. If you respond, I'll get back to you later today. Good luck, and don't do anything stupid.
ps...i say the stupid thing because I did countless stupid things, not because I'm trying to be a jerk.
He had an affair. You need to go for marital counseling/therapy,. It will help, rather than brushing it under the carpet.
He needs to go No Contact. That's unconditional and should be forthcoming from him. He should be begging for a chance, doing whatever it takes. NC is the bare minimum. That he hasn't even done this is ridiculous.
She is not just a friend. You both should read this:
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
He needs to be able to draw boundaries, he is acting like an idiot wimp as if he owes her something and she has a say despite them both crossing a line, he's too afraid of putting his foot down. It's like entertaining her is more important than your marriage.
Either that or he's lying to you about the nature of their relationship. Why is he entertaining someone who's still continuing to look for attention, shouldn't he not be tolerating such behavior from anyone from the get go?
If she's desperately in need of a friend, there are many fish in the sea, for friends too. She can start off fresh, try someone new where she can behave as an actual friend rather than a person who doesn't respect boundaries and screws up someones marriage.
And that she was in a EA isn't she married, has her husband been told? If not it's a good idea to let him know, you would want that if the situation was reversed right, it's the right thing to do.
/As long as she doesn't get what she wants she will disappear/ don't buy into this bs, it's either he's a wimp who can't put his foot down for his own marriage or he's lying to you, minimising and they're still continuing at some level. This is about your marriage. It's needs to be active from his side about cutting off, not passive with the ball in her court.
This is a pretty good list.
Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non-defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth
The last point includes these actions:
• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
• Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
• https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
• This book pretty much started a revolution in the therapy industry on how they help those betrayed by adultery deal with it. She was one of the first using therapies based on PTSD recovery for those who have suffered infidelity.
• I will warn you that Not Just Friends, while a very good book, is full of triggers because of how she maps out how affairs begin. What I recommend is that if you find it triggering, that you put it down and then come back to it when you are in a better mental state.
• Finally you need to make sure that you take care of yourself.
• Force yourself to eat small meals, and if you can't do that then try meal replacement shakes.
• Drink water, maybe tea to keep you hydrated, and try to stay away from alcohol. It is a depressant and while it will help in the short term you need to watch out for the long term.
• Sleep. I know you are having issues with this. If you need try an over the counter pain reliever with a sleep aid or a better thing to do is to consult your doctor. Most of these contain generic benadryl which causes drowsiness.
• You need to have your wife and yourself go in and have a full STD panel done. Unfortunately in fantasy land waywards and APs rarely think about using protection.
• Finally, don't be too quick to enter couple's counseling. Too many marriage counselors are trained in such a way to work on relationship problems, and not infidelity. They end up doing more harm than good. If you have decided to go this route then please interview the counselor first to find out how they work with couples dealing with this. IF the counselor talks about relationship issues and unmet needs causing infidelity thank them and find another therapist.
So you were in a ruff patch and found someone shiny and new. You started having an emotional affair with this guy who was receptive to the situation and wanted to be more than friends. Instead of distancing yourself, you continued to be around him until you were weak enough to cheat. This is a culmination of bad choices on your part and now you know you are capable of cheating. You will also carry this for the rest of your life unless you are a narcissist.
The instant a friend expresses romantic interest in you, they are no longer a friend they are a threat to your relationship. At that point you need to distance yourself from the friend until they no longer have feelings for you. Also, you can never really be that close to them again while you are in a relationship.
Advice:
Good luck,
Here is the book. It can be done.
I’m so sorry. You are right to feel sad and angry. I read a book that might help you too. I did leave my cheating spouse so I can’t offer advice on saving the marriage but I can tell you in my case the pain is still there. I think therapy would be a smarter route if you are staying in your marriage. I didn’t get therapy and I think it would have helped a lot.
Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_PsIiDbKNF213Y
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You know in the movie Donnie darko when what’s her fuck said that “cellar door” is the most beautiful phrase in the English language? Well “I trust her, I just don’t trust him” is the most idiotic, schmuck, fucking clueless inexperienced beta male shit ass dumb fucking phrase in the English language.
Every word he has spoken or written to your wife, every iota of motivation to interact with her, every second he has spent around your wife is fueled by romantic/sexual feelings. Not. Fucking. Platonic. And your wife... best case scenario loves the attention....worst case, she loves him. It’s probably somewhere in the middle.
You say he’s not a scumbag. That should worry you. A scumbag would make his intentions known overtly. A scumbag wouldn’t be pining away for a taken woman for years. A scumbag wouldn’t be sending a married woman gifts. A scumbag would actually be living his life and going after other women.
Call me old fashion... but the minute a man makes a pass at a married woman... if she has boundaries and values her marriage and husband... that dude is officially excommunicated. But no, you let her make him hubby number 2. Your happy your wife has someone to talk to while your at work? Huh? So what exactly does your wife do? She doesn’t have a job? What kind of shit show are you running?
Yes your wife is up to something. You say you have access to their messages. Ok bud... if you think youve seen more then A small fraction of their communication then i have some ocean front property in Iowa I’d like to sell you. Why is she talking on apps? Why aren’t they texting? And why is it 2 different apps? The age old question is can men and women be friends? Yes they can.... they just aren’t. Humans are motivated by attraction. Attraction is literally the most important thing in the western world. If your wife was 300 pounds with the exact same personality... this dude wouldn’t even know her name. Same goes for your wife. If she wasn’t attracted to him... she would zero motivation to interact with him. That’s how adults work. Someone commented earlier about trust being more then just her not having an affair. The fact that your marriage is even in this position should effect the trust you have for your wife.
I would tell my wife that he is not to set foot in this house nor is she to be alone with him . And that you’ve had enough and we will be taking him to dinner to talk about how it’s time for him to get his own life, about her lack of boundaries and making “marriage first” choices. This will be a good bye dinner.
And you and your wife need to read this book. https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
Here’s a free pdf version. https://infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/Shirley-P.-Glass-Jean-Coppock-Staeheli-Not-_Just-Friends__-Rebuilding-Trust-and-Recovering-Your-Sanity-After-Infidelity.pdf
I can’t comprehend why you have given the green light to ANY of this fuckery...
Then you cannot see it. Here are some of the resources:
Books:
'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass
'How To Help Your Spouse Recover =From Your Affair'. By Linda McDonald.
Web sites/videos:
Affair Recovery Free Resources.
AffairRecovery.
Good luck OP and keep us updated!
That and https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_a2wRDbZZJXDEK
are the two key books that were very helpful. The book by Glass goes a little overboard with the stories (trying to be personable and not dry), but I just skim read those. But it does get into the key issues.
Yes, this was cheating.
Many of us here have had this happen,. It happened to me. My ex-husband turned a "friendship" into more. It shattered my heart into a million pieces because the lying bothered me more than the affair (which later turned physical). We'd been together 15 years, so I thought it was a one off. Then I found out about more as we proceeded to divorce.
If you want to save it (or even just understand more), then I highly suggest a book called "Not Just Friends". My therapist suggested it, and it ultimately helped me decide that divorce was the right answer in my situation.
Also, don't believe a word of her remorse. Pay attention to her actions.
Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_KoM0Bb4C3JQB8
Counseling is the right answer. As you put it in your title, emotional infidelity is still infidelity, and often times an emotional affair can be even more devastating to a relationship than a physical affair. Even if there was no sexual attraction or physical infidelity involved here, your husband still felt the need to confide in another woman, which of course means that there is some kind of block or problem in your relationship that's keeping him from sharing those feelings with you. Even if he's sorry right now, and is cutting off contact with this woman, ignoring those underlying problems is just going to lead to this happening again.
If his apology was heartfelt, he should be willing to admit that there is a problem here, and attend counseling with you. If he won't, go by yourself.
I would also recommend, for both of you, the book "Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity" by Shirley Glass. It deals with emotional affairs in depth, and is aimed at both the betrayed spouse and the wayward spouse.
http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
Oh, all the girls my ex husband cheated on me with started as friends. Always trust your instincts when female friends are concerned. Unless you're the type that's automatically jealous of any female interaction, your instincts will warn you when something is not right.
And something is definitely not right here. Your BF may genuinely have no present intention of cheating at all. But he has poor boundaries. And this means that there is a high likelihood that things may get out of hand some day. He's on a slippery slope and he may not even realize when things have crossed the line until he's in way too deep for his own good.
Now is the time for a serious talk about boundaries. No need for accusations or blame. But he does need to be open to the discussion and not dismissive or defensive.
Boundaries are the absolute key to fidelity. It's great to have opposite sex friends if you have good boundaries. Your BF has some work to do in that regard.
Highly recommend that you check out the following books:
Not Just Friends - http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0743225503/ref=redir_mdp_mobile
Boundaries in Relationships - http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/155874259X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1372344185&sr=8-1&pi=SL75
I highly recommend this book to help you sort out this complicated situation. It’s written for just this situation and includes advice on how to approach your spouse, and what you can reasonably expect of this situation. It’s geared toward both emotional affairs and also physical ones.
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503?
I didn't read all of the other responses but if not already mentioned your wife needs to go NC with this guy. If they work together she needs to get a different job elsewhere. She needs to give you a full timeline of events (conversations, flirting, texts, emails,phone calls etc.) leading up to and during this unrequited relationship. She must be willing to answer any and all questions you have.
Can this be salvaged? Yes. Have he read (and you as well) Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. This book is a staple and one of the two top reccomended books for your situation. (The other is How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald. The author has a free version on her website here or you can get it on Amazon here. Also, here is a good article for you.
At the very least this was emotional infidelity. She should never have to discuss any feelings at all. That is out of bounds when married. Her reaction should have been distancing herself from him altogether not discussing how to handle their feelings. If they both knew they had feelings things already went too far and boundaries were already crossed mentally and flirting was done to encourage it.
There is no quick and easy fix to 'get over it'. She will now have to earn your trust from the ground up and you will go through a lot of emotions. She must demonstrate true remorse (not the same as regret!) and be willing to do whatever possible to comfort you and earn your trust. Your relationship can never be what it was before. It can, however be good again and possibly even more intimate with diligent work.
Before ANYthing can be done to start to rebuild she has to go No Contact immediately though. Inviting him over is absolutely disrespectful, unremorseful and is downright playing with fire. If she is doing that she is still in a wayward mindset and that is not a good sign. At the very least she is downplaying what has happened and needs to wake up and see what she's done.
If you feel she isnt being truthful you have options. You can hire a lie detector and if she doesnt agree you know probably she's lying. If she does agree she may hope you'll cancel since she's going along in the hopes it will never occur. Many wait until right before the test and spill the truth. It's a way for you to get peace of mind at least knowing if she's currently being honest/faithful.
You need to make a list of your requirements. These are the things that must occur for you to give her the gift of even attempting reconciliation. That means consequences must be attached. If she doesnt comply with X.Y, Z then you separate for example and reconciliation is off. Generally such a list would include blocking him in every way, writing a very short, succinct No contact letter and sending it in your presence, giving you all passwords to all accounts and full access to electronic devices. Not being allowed to delete any emails, photos, texts etc. without you knowing beforehand. You should be allowed to recover previously deleted texts/emails to view for yourself what the relationship was. She should check in periodically and always be able to verify she is where she says she is. You should continue to use the location service on your phones but know that, despite your comment in your post, they are not always accurate. Have a back up to compare against. If he ever does try to contact her she must work immediately tell/show you. If he has a spouse or SO she should be told right away.
The most important thing that needs to happen is she needs to find her why; why she was able to jeopardize your marriage by developing a relationship with someone else. What is missing within herself that she is trying to fulfill. Is it low self esteem and she needs the ego kibbles? What is it? Once she identifies the reason she needs to work in fixing that issue so she can be a safe partner. While issues in a marriage can be attributed to both spouses in varying degrees, an affair is 100% on the betrayer. She had other options. She could have divorced, talked to you, not entered the new relationship at all, went to therapy etc. If she tries to start saying her decisions were in any way because of anything you did or didn't so she is gaslighing.
Lastly, here is a really great website/forum site dedicated to your situation. It is highly moderated and is an excellent resource for venting, getting sound advice and having a place to go where everyone understands from personal experience what you're going through. There is a variety of forums for all affected by all types of infidelity. Check it out
EDITED: spelling/addition
I haven't read this one, but I hear it is good: https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
https://iamally.tumblr.com/ -- look particularly at gaslighting and see how it vibes. Also, beware of paltering - my husband's favorite form of lying... (truly his only form which is why I was so trusting of him - he never lied - or so I thought, but he's a master at paltering)
Man. That's temptation on steroids, for an emotional affair at least. I can definitely understand the feelings, though my situation wasn't the same thing.
I found a lot of value in this book: Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It has a lot to say about boundaries and where the risky spots are, particularly around workplace infidelity and its aftermath.
Good luck. Don't let this thing run away with you.
> If I randomly made friends with some guy, and never talked much about him... he would be PISSED. Like, he would think I was cheating - especially if I asked him to leave the room and stuff. So that's why I think I'm being 100% rational. He wouldn't deal with this, so why should I? I feel like he doesn't hold me to the same standards he holds himself.
You hit the nail on the head. Furthermore, check out a copy of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. The chances that your husband is cheating on you emotionally are high.
The real question is what are you going to do about it? If I were you, mandatory counseling and if he says no, filing for divorce. This is a serious matter that will continue to cause you pain and frustration until he gets his head out of his ass. He may never get his head out of his ass and treat you the way you deserve to be treated! The only person whose actions you can control is your own. If he won't talk, won't work on your marriage, won't get counseling, won't stop having inappropriate messages with other women late at night, then you have to decide what you're willing to put up with for the rest of your life and walk if what this man has to offer isn't it.
Trickle truth is what my wife did to me. It took 2 months, and me pretending to be her talking to the guy to get the full truth. Here is the book that helped me a lot.
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=mp_s_a_1_12?keywords=just+friends&qid=1572357096&sr=8-12
Buy her this book. She needs to find a new job.
Pick up a copy of Not Just Friends and read it. The thing is, she is completely right. And if others are independently calling you and your coworker work spouses, you're meeting up outside of work, texting, etc., you two have already crossed boundaries whether you want to admit to it or not. If you hadn't, your wife wouldn't be upset, especially since she's normally not around other female friendships. Affairs are insidious. The majority of people in them do not set out to have an affair. And they typically follow this trajectory. Take some time to learn how they develop, and cut things off with this work friend. You need to protect your marriage.
As someone who's been cheated on before...
Yes, tell her. The absolute worst thing is for her to find out on her own.
After you tell her, she's the boss. Whatever she needs, you do. She wants to go to therapy twice/week? You're happy to go. She wants your e-mail password? Give it to her. You broke her trust, now face the consequences. If you can't deal with that, then leave her, but she's the victim and she's entitled to whatever she needs from you in rebuilding trust if you want this relationship to work.
I highly recommend the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It's great because it talks through all of the feelings and emotions surrounding infidelity, and it does so in a nonjudgmental, non-shaming manner.
I also highly recommend therapy.
"Not Just friends":https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
The emotional affair is the precursor to the physical affair...
I've been cheated on, found out on my own, gave my wife a second (and third...) chance and have regretted it. I doubt my wife has ended her affair(s) and am just waiting for the next discovery to do what I should have done the first time.
That being said, here are some things I suggest doing:
0) Both you and your boyfriend should read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It deals with these things much better than any redditor (probably).
Also, if he agrees to stay with you then you can count on anything you had tried to hide being found out. Better to risk hurting him now and showing your honesty than to keep it covered until he finds out and thinks you're still cheating on him. Trust me, he will find out your secrets. The kind of jealousy you have instilled in him breeds fervent ingenuity.
Keep proof of where you went, like dated receipts or credit card charges. Proving that you're not doing something is damn near impossible, but proving that you were doing something else entirely (and therefore incapable of cheating at that time) is much easier.
Is it possible to forgive something like this? If your boyfriend is a saint. Forgiveness takes a hell of a long time, much more than just deciding to remain together I'll say.
Can your relationship be saved? Odds are slim but still possible. Is it worth the effort? Probably not. Everything I've suggested is from a marital standpoint, in situations where people have usually invested a whole lot more than what goes into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I don't know if the things I've suggested will work since my wife didn't do any of these, but they are things I definitely would have wanted her to do, and would have made things a lot easier.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0743225503/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1484683362&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=not+just+friends&dpPl=1&dpID=41n9%2BCBFBbL&ref=plSrch
I hope that works for you. Otherwise search Amazon for "not just friends" and it is the first one that comes up.
My wife had a male friend, he worked at the same company as her in a different department. She apparently went out to lunch with him quite often (2 or 3 times a week), without my knowledge for several months. Then they started seeing each other for dinner, again without my knowledge (girls night, etc). When I discovered this she said they were "Just Friends", shamed me for my mistrust of her,and gas lighted me for six months. I eventually found out that it was an affair, and that it had be going on the since shortly after they started having lunch together. I told her that if she wanted to regain my trust and remain married to me then she couldn't be friends with her affair partner, and quit her job where she worked with him. She then accused me of trying to "control her". After a few months living on her own she accepted my requirements to continue our relationship.
People in relationships can have friends they are attracted to, but too much time with that friend CAN lead to something else going on and should be a warning sign.
This book was extremely helpful for my wife and I to understand how it progressed as far as it did, and how to prevent it from happening again.
http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503