Reddit reviews The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family

I'm so sad to hear this. He's not lazy, he's traumatized. He's not freezing up on purpose, he's dissociating under stress, a behavior kids learn to cope with abuse. It sounds like CPS didn't provide a class for parenting traumatized children, and that's a travesty. I highly recommend you check out this book. It might give you the information and tools you need to be able to safely and effectively parent this poor kid: https://www.amazon.com/Connected-Child-healing-adoptive-family/dp/0071475001

ETA: It does sound like he needs a 504. It has nothing to do with being smart, it's about accommodations for a disability. Taking away recess is a terrible consequence for a kid having social difficulties. He needs support, not punishment.

I'm not an expert, but I'll offer my humble advice. It does not sound like your daughter and her father are "connected". I'd advise trying to find ways to bring up the value of rapport and let him figure out its importance on his own. Trying to change him directly is unlikely to work, but a little bit of persuasive psychology will give you big results.

A couple suggestions:

• Leave links like this up on your computer and let him discover and read them on his own
  
  
• Get some books that support your concerns and bookmark parts you would like him to read. You don't have to ask him to read it, just leave the bookmarked copy by the toilet. I recommend The Connected Child just off the top of my head
  
  
• Lead by example. Don't tell him how you want him to interact with your daughter, model it for him.
  
  These are just a few strategies that I could think of right now, but I hope it helps. I can tell that you really want to fix this and the simple fact that you are seeking help tells me that you will. Good luck!

https://www.amazon.com/Connected-Child-healing-adoptive-family/dp/0071475001/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1540908169&sr=8-1&keywords=the+connected+child

Interesting you should ask this question today, since today's Vice "Young Americans" column is about what it's like growing up "Asian" in America: http://www.vice.com/youngamericans/the-asian-american-experience?utm_source=vicetumblrus

This is a humorous rendering of a problem a lot of my Asian-American friends have faced growing up in the US: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWynJkN5HbQ

You'll find more adoption-specific questions answered in this book: http://www.amazon.com/Connected-Child-healing-adoptive-family/dp/0071475001

If you have questions about the process you're about to go through, I used to work at the world's largest, oldest China adoption agency, CCAI, so if you have questions about the process I might be able to answer basic questions, but for the most up-to-date and accurate info, I'd advise you to just call CCAI and directly ask your questions of the professionals (ask for Sarah H, (303) 850-9998). It doesn't matter if you're planning to adopt from a different agency, they rules are set by China, so the process is basically the same regardless of what agency you go through.

Not really sure if this will come off as condescending but here are some books for general parenting or parenting kids with behavioral issues. For any folks out there looking for resources.


The Connected Child
https://www.amazon.com/Connected-Child-healing-adoptive-family/dp/0071475001
Mainly focuses on attachment, or lack there of, for adoptive parents but some of the info is good for parents with children who have behavioral issues caused by attachment issues. Does have some religious aspects but also creates space for non-religious folks as well.

The Whole Brian Child
https://www.amazon.com/Whole-Brain-Child-Revolutionary-Strategies-Developing/dp/0553386697 great general parenting book.

No Drama Discipline
https://www.amazon.com/No-Drama-Discipline-Whole-Brain-Nurture-Developing/dp/034554806X help me understand what’s happening in my kids brain in misbehaving and tactics for working through various issues.

These really helped me feel empowered and informed as a parent. Every time we do well with the stuff we feel like the best parents in the world. Hope this helps anyone out there that might need it.

Edit: links and formatting. I suck at it and I’m on mobile so...
2: a word

Man, I feel you here.
Parent of an abused foster (adopted) 13yo daughter here, whose behaviors are very similar to what you mention (multiplied by 140lb body with hormones and the vocabulary of a sailor).

Three Major Points to start:

A. Try to reduce the frequency of the meltdowns.

There are two books you should buy and read right away. The Connected Child and Beyond Consequences. (Links below) Ignore the fact that they are 'for' adoptive families. They are fantastic for bio families too. The basic idea is to promote attachment, show love, use consistency and help your child learn who she is. I can, in no way, do justice to these books in summary so I'm not gonna try. This does not mean they get away with everything. This does not mean you're going to fix everything overnight. It does, however, mean you're going to change how you parent to a totally new model that might not feel natural at first. The more you do it, the better the bond you have with your child.

The style was once explained to me as "General Patton meets Mr. Rogers". Firm, high expectations, but calm and loving all the time.


B. When a meltdown of your daughter does happen.

Just doing the stuff above, you'll still have plenty of issues. That doesn't mean it's not working.
It all boils down to natural consequences. Break all the crayons, can't color anymore. Trash the house, clean the house. Throw a 5 minute tantrum while I was going to be playing video games, kid does chores I would have done for 5 minutes so I can play video games. Threaten to kill self or kill me? Cops are called.

Un-natural consequences (otherwise called punishments) cause their own problems.
By using natural consequences, you don't enter into a secondary battle for control of trying to impose punishments that the child finds unlogical.

C. When you lose your cool during a meltdown

This will also happen, as parents, we're not perfect.
When things go south - Reconnect Quickly.
Be the one that shows the example of remorse and show how you can make up for it. This doesn't mean the child gets away with what they did, though.



All the other stuff you need to do:

Get Help / Don't be Embarrassed: Realize when you need help. In combat, if things get hairy, you ask for help, you don't just wait until 3/4 your men are dead before telling someone above you that you're in trouble.

This means you must remove any stigma you might have from this situation and put your ego aside. Doesn't mean you're a bad father. There are tons of resources you should pull from.

First, surround yourself with a circle of support. Family and friends are very important.

Second, find resources in your community. Could be private therapy, could be from a county mental health organization. Could be a church group. I promise you that there is help out there that people just like you go to.

Care for yourself / Respite
The harder things are at home, the less patience you have. The less patience you have, the harder things get.

You need time for you (and your SO if you have one).

Find ways to recharge. Kid stays with grandparents, friends (with people you trust can handle you child and understand the situation), babysitters, overnight camps, etc.
You can't care for your child if you're totally out of steam.

Ask yourself, what if you couldn't physically control her.
I've been struggling with this in the last few years. If you can only use your mind to parent, and can't physically touch the child (even just to move them into time out, for example), it changes how you will parent them. Start thinking like that, and then add on the fact you can move them in time out as a bonus.

Lastly, realize you're not alone. There are many families that struggle with this type of problem, and it is possible!



http://www.amazon.com/Connected-Child-healing-adoptive-family/dp/0071475001/
http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Consequences-Logic-Control-Attachment-Challenged/dp/0977704009/

I hope things are going better for you. My son had a lot of similar behaviors when he came home, but almost two years have passed and he's like a different child (still we see some of the maladaptive behaviors but not as frequently). Trust Based Relational Intervention was a game changer for us. Check out The Connected Child. https://www.amazon.com/Connected-Child-healing-adoptive-family/dp/0071475001