Reddit reviews Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again
We found 19 Reddit comments about Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
Great product!
If anyone wants some reading material on this topic, let me know. This kind of thing can be really hard to overcome and damaging to relationships.
Edit:
Hi people! I received a lot of responses about this. I feel bad for not responding earlier, but I was busy, and feeling guilty is part of my own thing that i need to work through. When people talk about this problem of “pleasing people,” what they are often really talking about is shame-bound systems. It might not be obvious at first, but ask yourself, what feelings would you experience if you weren’t trying to please others? What would it say about you if you were just trying to do what makes you happy? What feelings are you trying to get away from when you think about this? In addition to the books mentioned by /u/alpinejonny, I recommend the following:
More on the academic side:
Facing Shame, by Merle Fossum and Marilyn Mason
This is a classic book written for therapists about people in shame-bound family systems. I recommend going here if you want a deep understanding of how and why families create cycles of shame, one manifestation of which is “people-pleasing.” It’s an older book, but it’s still an important one.
Shame and the origins of self-esteem, by Mario Jacoby
Mario Jacoby is an influential Jungian analyst. This book is expensive, but I really recommend taking a look at this book’s table of contents to see how in-depth it is. Amazon’s “look inside” feature has a lot of pages from this book available online, and you can click on table of contents sections to see more information about that section. It might have a lot of the info you need.
More mainstream:
Reinventing Your Life, by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko
Despite the ugly cover and horrible title, this is a really, really solid book based upon schema therapy. This book covers a wider range of schemas or “lifetraps,” so it is appropriate for many people. It can be eye-opening. I would definitely recommend it, especially the chapters on vulnerability, dependence, abandonment, and defectiveness (shame).
Daring Greatly, by Brené Brown
Brown is a leading researcher in the field of vulnerability right now and has down a lot of interesting qualitative work in deconstructing the concept of vulnerability, which is something we must experience if we are to say ‘no’ to our people pleasing tendencies. I’m not the biggest fan of Brown’s mainstream writing personally (I’m more on the dense/academic side of things), but her key points are dead on and her writing works for many people. I really appreciated her famous TED talk when it came out.
Healing the Shame that Bind You, by John Bradshaw
I haven’t read this one, but I have heard really good things. Again, Amazon’s look inside feature is helpful here. A lot of the book is already online.
Hope that helps! Other users have been recommending to me books about codependency. I haven't read any books about codependency specifically, but I can see that being super helpful.
In the book Reinventing Your Life (where I learned all this from) he says that it's not like you shouldn't feel any chemistry with someone, but that if it's 8-10 on a scale of 1-10, you should really be careful (I add "especially if you come from abuse and neglect!").
I think what helps is learning about WHY you are attracted to these people. I've been reading books and watching videos about my situation. I've learned a lot about why I was attracted to my ex (Narcissistic/Borderline), why we went back and forth, why I couldn't get away for so long (I read Reinventing Your Life while trying to make things work with her!).
You're definitely not alone. In the awesome book Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again, the authors talk about how if you've grown up with an entitled, self-absorbed, emotionally distant parental figure, you may initially feel un-excited by partners who treat you well, like something is missing. Their repeated advice is to "avoid cold partners with whom you generate high chemistry" and to give it a chance with partners who treat you well even though it won't feel as initially thrilling as it will with partners who, in their terminology, "trigger your lifetrap".
This is a great book. The general idea is to get into the habit of thinking healthy things. You know how if you are told you are stupid enough times then you will start to believe it? This book uses the same process but for good. It is not about whether or not you are actually dumb. The book teaches skills that enable you to not concentrate on whether or not you are actually smart or not, it teaches you to assume the best about yourself and get in the habit of not noticing negative thoughts about yourself, or at least not giving them credence.
We tend to be creatures of habit, and also we tend to behave to expectations. The book skips the why's and concentrates on the how's. It teaches that thoughts follow actions. It teaches to get yourself into healthy thinking habits and just have faith that your thoughts will later become naturally more healthy.
Just like being in the habit of brushing your teeth. If you have good dental hygiene habits, then you won't waste any time worrying about root canals that you will never be getting -- because you take care of your teeth.
It sounds hokey but it can help a lot. Which is better for your own personal mood -- to be stupid and know it and beat yourself up about it? Or to believe you are smart and good, even if you ain't so sharp? This example has nothing to do with your actual intelligence, it only has to do with your perception of your intelligence. And the surprising side effect is, if you think you are OK you will do things to keep yourself OK. You will be in the habit of assuming you are intelligent, for example, and as a result, you will do things that make your reality conform to your perception -- you will naturally work to stay intelligent, because you couldn't possibly be dumb.
It helps.
ETA: An excellent companion book is Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young.
I don't have a citation but I have read multiple articles that CBT Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can sometimes be as good as antidepressants. I have had horrible, one in a million bad reactions to almost all antidepressants, and I'm not going to try them ever again. So these two books have helped me tremendously.
Most fundamentally you want to be sure there aren't any schemas that are causing a lot of this tendency to experience negative emotions. Schemas are enduring negative patterns that determine how we see the world (they're basically what you could also call "core beliefs"), and are usually formed in childhood, often (but far from always) at the hands of parents. The psychologist Jeffrey Young created Schema Therapy, and pointed out 18 different schemas, which can be found here: http://www.davidbricker.com/clientsguideSchemaTherapy.pdf (note: ignore the first few pages which talk about personality disorders). If you find any of the 18 that really hit home, then I'd highly recommend the best "self-help" book I've read as a therapist, Reinventing Your Life by Young and Klosko, which delineates eleven of the eighteen schemas, including a presentation of how your life might be like (including interpersonally), how schemas form, and how they can be changed.
Schemas are ultimately deep belief filters that get activated by relevant stimuli (e.g., a person experiences intense anger because of underlying hurt -- anger almost always being secondary to a softer primary emotion -- at a person's neutral statement which was interpreted to mean this person was incompetent or a failure, which stands for the failure schema). In psychology cognitions are the roots of emotion, so to attempt to change emotions you have to look at cognitions.
You also have to look at physiological and behavioral ways of managing your emotions, like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, mindfulness meditation (technically a cognitive approach, and one that needs 10-20 minutes of sitting and if needed walking practice in order for it to generalize to everyday life situations), exercising, leaving the room (when angry), asserting oneself (particularly one's needs if one has a difficulty doing this, which can lead to resentment, anger, isolation, etc.), and being more socially involved with others.
Another overall excellent workbook that covers a myriad of emotions and cognitive ways at changing them is Thoughts and Feelings by McKay, Davis, and Fanning (two of whom are PhD psychologists).
For another great book more focused on the relaxation response (which will overlap at least a bit with the book just mentioned), check out The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook.
Does that seem like a lot of work? It really isn't. Even if you identify with a few schema and get the Young/Klosko book, that book and the other two aren't meant to be read cover to cover, and you can easily get by with reading half of each book at most to get the best parts that might be most applicable to your emotional needs.
Clinical/mental health counselor, MA, LPC here. This shit works.
Therapy is absolutely worth it imo. BUT and the big but is that you need to find the right kind of therapist. There are many, many different types of therapy out there. Personally? I felt like I wasted thousands on talking therapy in the beginning and I just kept rehashing and reliving the trauma with pretty much no progress.
The therapies that I got the most out of because of my trauma was 1. Havening - had the quickest most immediate response to this so therefore it ended up being the cheapest 2. Hypnotherapy - I got a lot out of this because while I logically knew a lot of truths but so much of it wasn't being accepted by my subconscious for some reason. Hypnotherapy sorted that 3. EMDR - also great.
Now I do talking therapy for current stuff going on in my life to get a sounding board and unbiased opinion. That was just me - but talking to 'fix' was the biggest waste of time and money for me - however, talking to maintain has been great. Ultimately you need to find your own therapeutic path. It's pretty frustrating because there isn't a one size fits all. Then on top of it, especially with talking therapists you need to have a connection. So you are constantly having to give the whole story over and over. I found the other therapies had a much better effect on me and allowed me to connect with a therapist much easier once I felt I was more in maintenance mode vs crisis mode.
Im not sure where you are but I feel like there are probably websites out there that review therapists.
Also: some really great books that helped me (and are much cheaper) are:
Good luck!
I have been on reddit for over 2 years and this is the best post i have seen. I to have gone through a very tough childhood. I grew up alone with a mentally unstable mother whom deeply neglected me. (My mom does not have any close friends and a bad connection to her relatives) Thankfully i found videogames and they helped me get through.
I found therapy and a wonderful therapist that help me work through my childhood. It took serious effort > 1 year and alot of tears and anger. I still sometimes get large downs and fall back in to old behavior but I am much better now. I have a posetiv outlook on the future and live a fullfilling life.
To anyone who feels that hen does not live a fullfilling life or have a hard time envisioning a good future then i strongly recommend therapy. This is a good book to start with. http://www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Negative/dp/0452272041
Try this book as an introduction: Reinventing Your Life
i feel exactly same.i can advice you to read book Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey E. Young.İt helped me a alot.
https://www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Negative/dp/0452272041
https://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Cycle-Abuse-Beyond-Abuse-Free/dp/0471740594
https://www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Negative/dp/0452272041
Well, it sounds to me your counselor might be right. I would suggest that you approach the issue from two sides:
If you find yourself worrying and trapped in the same loop of thoughts ("I am sure he is seeing someone else" -> "I need to check his textmessages" -> "I hate myself for doing this" -> "He is going to hate me for doing this" -> "He has no reason to be with me" -> "I am sure he is seeing someone else") just think about something else. Leave the room, the apartment. Call someone.
I would suggest some proper therapy. You could try Schema Therapy. Check this book: Reenventing your life a lot of the cases and descriptions there seem parallel to your situation.
Don't be hard on yourself ("I am a crazy bitch"), this only worsens the problem. Your boyfriend loves you obviously - and the fact that you are not only incapable of comprehending but also of merely accepting this is what will destroy your life in the long run.
The fact that he is patient and supportive and that you are very conscious and active about it is enough reason for hope: You will make it but you have to tell your scumbag brain that it needs to stop telling you that you are not loved! Your man loves you the way you are, deal with it.
I feel this way too. At the same time I also kind suspect I'm just rationalizing my fear, whatever it's a fear of.
It's obviously true that everyone has the right to choose to live alone. But since most people don't exercise that right or they don't want to, I'm afraid I'm choosing to ignore some painful truth.
Every therapist I've talked to has said that having a healthy relationship is satisfying, but I kind of doubt that.
It's probably necessary to work one's shit out in order for that to be the case. If you still have too many fleas, it won't be able to work out ever.
But on the bright side that changes the question: not whether or not do I live alone,
but
whether and how I can get better?
And then after I get better I can worry about all of that relationship crap but I have more important things to do in the present.
Also I like this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Negative/dp/0452272041
I can relate to this.
I’ve taken antidepressants, which didn’t do much expect except take the edge off my anxiety. I eventually became even more depressed, so I started seeing a psychologist. We’re working though schema therapy which honestly, has been the best thing ever. It’s been about two months of weekly sessions and I’m starting to feel better already.
My psychologist recommended a book Reinventing Your Life which I’m working through. It’s confronting, but worth it.
I’ve also started a different type of antidepressant, and about to start a mood stabiliser too.
I confident that the combination will really help me.
I'm not sure what the library system is like where you are, but maybe look for some books on the subject. There are probably some online as well.
When I was in your shoes, someone recommended the Dr. Laura Book, Bad Childhood, Good Life. It was helpful to me at the time. Until then, I thought she was sort of annoying to watch on TV, to be honest. http://www.amazon.com/Bad-Childhood---Good-Life-Blossom-Childhood/dp/0060577878/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1373927708&sr=1-3&keywords=dr+laura
I have not read this one, but others like it:
Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0452272041/ref=cm_cr_asin_lnk
The best advice a therapist ever gave me: Stop being your own Big Bad Wolf. It's no longer about your parents and what they did. It's about you being too hard on yourself about what you could have done to prevent what happened to you.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schema_therapy#cite_note-schemas-2 Please check this out. Essentially, Young posits that we develop early 'maladaptive schemas' in response to negative experiences as a child, frequently linked to primary care-givers. For example, if we were constantly belittled then we might have internalised this abusive/ hostile inner-dialogue as a 'dysfunctional parent', equally we might have misdirected anger formed in response to this anguish, the 'angry child'. These dysfunctional models are based upon schemas that you felt to be true, and built all of this around, e.g. the 'unlovable' schema, if we were isolated or felt abandoned. The dysfunctional adult and child modes therefore actually reinforce schemas.
When I'm being abusive towards myself (I was so used to it I actually feel they are sub-vocal, I have residual feelings that come up in anxiety-prone scenarios) I trace these thoughts to the dysfunctional 'mode' ('vulnerable child'/ 'punitive parent'), and once or twice I have actually seen the root cause in the words of my father. I found understanding these internalised personas gives me much more traction to take these damaging behaviours to task, or to switch up my mood/thoughts entirely.
https://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Negative-Thinking-Patterns-Self-Help/dp/1118877713
https://www.amazon.com/Schema-Therapy-Practitioners-Jeffrey-Young/dp/1593853726
https://www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Negative/dp/0452272041/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=reinventing+your+life&qid=1570206468&s=books&sr=1-1
Schema therapy helped me a lot, maybe you can check out one of Young's books on it. Like this one or perhaps there are decent websites on it! The one trick that worked best for me is to zoom out of a situation and pretend that a friend was telling me the story, then think of the advice I would give them
I’m glad it was somewhat helpful at least! There is a book https://www.amazon.co.uk/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Behaviour/dp/0452272041 that you could always try work through yourself. I have it and really ought to make an effort with it.
Try Schema Therapy - it’s kind of a compromise between skills-based therapy and psychodynamic therapy. I have found it really effective, because it talks about why you have the issues you do and where they came from, and only then uses skills to cope with and help heal the issues. This is a good book to learn a bit about it - just ignore the extremely dated cover and clickbaity title, idk what their publisher was thinking.
This booked really helped me see how my past hurt was intertwined with my addictions; most prominently was porn ofcourse, but also obsessive gaming, smoking weed, binge watching shows.
There is a lot of information in there, some of which you will find relevant and some not.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Behaviour/dp/0452272041
It seems like a cheesy self help book but I assure you it isn't. It's very well informed. All the best.