Reddit reviews Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You

Before this gets deleted since it's a dating-related thread (supposed to go under that, new one every Monday) -- a book that helped me tremendously through my divorce: Getting Past Your Breakup. It really breaks everything down and gives some organization to all the things you're thinking and feeling right now. Biggest thing is no contact. Hardest but most important thing to do right now is to take care of yourself.

Sorry you're going through this. I have been through the same. Don't marry the guy when he comes crawling back like I did. PM me if you need to chat or vent.

It sounds like you're in therapy and taking meds. I would continue with this if it's working or work on finding something else that does (new meds, new therapist). You'll need even more support now than you did before. If you feel you're in a crisis, don't feel ashamed to call a suicide hotline or your therapist. This stuff is terribly tough to deal with and there is no shame in getting help. Be gentle with yourself.

By the way, if you didn't already know this, suicidal ideation is normal for those with trauma in their backgrounds and PTSD. I know this because I'm being treated for this myself. If your therapist doesn't have experience with trauma and PTSD specifically, you might want to find someone who does. There are specific treatments for this.

My therapist just gave me materials last week that say that people with trauma and PTSD symptoms tend to feel suicidal and hopeless, believe that it'll never get any better, and can be VERY pessimistic about the future (this is my experience exactly). Just know these thoughts and feelings are symptoms of PTSD and depression and are NOT true. You CAN take actions to make your life better.

As far as the relationship goes, it might be best to just accept that it's over and focus on yourself right now. It sounds like you have enough to deal with and a relationship is probably not the best thing to be in right now anyway. I wouldn't try to get him back as it sounds like he made it clear that he was done and this going back and forth business never seems to work out in the end. Even if you do get back together, some time apart might be best at this point.

I always recommend Getting Past Your Breakup to people as well as the author's blog (which I'm reading right now in fact). These resources helped me tremendously with my last breakup.

I also recommend books like Feeling Good and The Feeling Good Handbook, which have helped me tremendously as well. If none of this appeals to you then know that there are many resources available and I'm sure you can find something that does.

Journaling those raw, painful emotions helps too. My first therapist told me to do this for years and I never did. I do now and just getting that shit out really DOES help. It helps if the journal is secure, like if you use a software journal there are ones with encryption. In Feeling Good he really pushes you to journal and do the exercises, and not just read the book. He also says that people tend to benefit from ANY act of self-help.

Anyway, I know this is tough stuff and probably more than most people could ever bear. It sounds like you've dealt with a lot so you're probably stronger than you realize. Good luck to you.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0738213284/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_R136CbRW8EGJ9


Read this book. Get it ASAP. Promise it helps. I’ve used this book as almost a bible before. I carried it around and read parts I needed reminded of when I would think about talking to him/remembering the “good” times.

I would also recommend looking into your attachment style and how that has affected your relationship ships or need for them.

Best of luck to you!!! 🤘🏻💜

Oh man yeah I agree.

For the longest time I thought it was only for people that were in immediate danger of suicide so I was scared to call for the longest time. I was having these thoughts ever since I was 8, but there's only been two times where I came close (8 and 16).

Ever since my breakup with my girlfriend of 5 1/2 years a couple weeks ago. The thoughts came back strong. I kept telling myself shit like "If I still feel this way by the time I'm 30 (I'm 26), I'm just going to end it" and a bunch of stuff in that vein. Therapist told me that I should never be afraid to call them if you feel like it'd be a benefit to you to. Because of my therapist, meditation, fitness, this book, and the suicide line I believe I'm in a better place now though.

Just keep that in mind that you should never be afraid to call. If you don't feel comfortable with your current person on the line, hang up and call again.

I feel like this advice could have benefited me a LOT seven years ago even though I wasn't at the immediate point of ending it.

I am sorry. This was probably the BEST advice given to me when I divorced and honestly it turned my life around into an amazing journey. So now, I share it with you because anyone going through a divorce should read this book. It helps, a lot! Buy it today and start reading. Leave everything in the past and keep moving forward. Today is a new day. The pen is in your hand and you write the outcome so make sure it's an amazing outcome. You can do it.

Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You Paperback – May 5, 2009
by Susan J. Elliott JD MEd

http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284

My wife left last October and I felt the same way you do. Three months out I feel much better than when it started. Like others have said "it's time to work on you". Physical activity will help greatly. This book is helping me now. Hang in there. It does get better :)

This is the book:

http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284

I did NOT want a divorce.

It was entirely unexpected - totally out of the blue - and I still do not understand what the hell happened.

We would have been celebrating our first wedding anniversary next Monday. I feel like I didn't even get a chance to be married before he bolted.

I lost 20 lbs. I broke out in hives all over my body. I didn't sleep for literally weeks, when I did sleep I would have nightmares. I cried so much my eyes were nearly swollen shut. It was trauma, plain and simple. I was a shell of myself. Its only been two months since and I am obviously still recovering from it.

But here is what finally broke through the noise in my head: a person who could do this to me - make me feel this way - is not a person I want in my life. He did horrible things to me. He lied, cheated, deceived, gaslit, etc. He destroyed my self esteem. I am disgusted with him as a human. I cannot imagine having to spend my life married to such a monster.

I know its hard to see your husband as an evil POS but that was the mental shift I had to make. I had to release entirely the idea that he was a "good guy" and accept that good guys do not do this. And once I really internalized that, it became clear that I was not in love with my husband anymore - because he was not a good person anymore. and once that happened, the emotion I felt most strongly was RELIEF. Relief that I am not stuck with a bad man anymore. Actual real gratitude that he left me.

The thing is, your husband isn't a good guy either. A good guy doesn't have affairs and he doesn't treat you like shit and he doesn't string you along. If you really get down to brass tacks, you will not want a person like that in your life.

Your kids will survive. I suggest this book as it has some good guidance for dealing with children. It says breakup but the authors own story is one of divorce.

I am 15 months into my ongoing healing process from the greatest loss of my life, so I'd like to share some things I've learned:

Rushing into another relationship is unsound advice, and most likely to hurt you and the next person you prematurely involve yourself with.

The best thing I can tell you is that healing from a loss is not like getting a cut on your flesh, where there is consistent and predictable healing. If healing from a physical wound is a straight line, then healing from an emotional loss is a jagged, swirling journey, where you sometimes take one step forward and 10 steps back. Don't get frustrated by these setbacks--just understand that the timetable for healing is not set, and trust in the heart's ability to heal:

"When an emotional injury takes place, the body begins a process as natural as the healing of a physical wound. Let the process happen. Trust the process. Surrender to it." --from "How to Survive the Loss of a Love"

Don't make any rash life-altering decisions, don't turn to drugs or alcohol (which only postpone or subvert healing), give to those who are less fortunate than you, and surround yourself with family and friends that love you unconditionally.

Here is a link to the book quoted above, which I wholeheartedly recommend:
http://www.amazon.com/Survive-Loss-Love-Peter-McWilliams/dp/0931580439

And another I'm in the midst of reading, which, so far, is also exceptional:
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284

This is a beautiful recounting of the Buddha's journey to understanding suffering:
http://www.amazon.com/Heart-Buddhas-Teaching-Transforming-Liberation/dp/0767903692/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1411858603&sr=8-1&keywords=heart+of+a+buddha

And this is a pocket book available for free from the Amida Society:
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2040437.Heart_of_A_Buddha?from_search=true

For me, feeling her "fade away" from my memory was so hurtful that I would hold on to the pain to keep the memories fresh. That is not conducive to healing. What helped me was creating a document (I used Google Docs so I could update from anywhere), and whenever a sweet memory surfaced of something she did, said, or was, I would write it down. It provided a catharsis--like a treasure chest of everything she was. I no longer compulsively read it, but it is comforting to know it's there, and has definitely helped my healing process.

For the first six months of my loss, I could barely leave the house. Since I love movies, I started trying to find ones that contained people being kind to one another (they are very rare). They helped me in reconnecting to and believing in kindness again, and I found myself watching some of my favorites just to get myself to sleep at night. I compiled a few into an IMDb list:
http://www.imdb.com/list/ls056580941/

Take care of yourself
--D

Source: Losing my dear wife--the sweetest, kindest person I've ever known.

https://amzn.com/0738213284

I just want to say that I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I have had my own share of marital duress this year (2014 just seems to suck for everyone I talk to, myself included) and it's not something I wish upon anyone.

I don't know your situation, but with me reading all the relationship books I could find really helped me gain some perspective. I'll link them but the main advice is the same: you have to start rebuilding you. This of course I'm sure being the last thing you want to hear right now. Based on the 5 or 6 books I read when a partner who wants to leave (and who does so in this case) and the other person begs and tries to cajole the other into coming back, the person on the wayward side gets pushed even further away (I've personally seen this myself). But once the person who was abandoned starts living and doing for themselves the wayward party sees this and begins to assess what they're doing and why they're doing it.

Like I said, this is just the collected advice of the various things that I read and may not pertain to you in the slightest. Regardless I'll make sure to pray for you because what you're going through is just horrible and I really feel for you.

Here are the books:

• I Love You but I'm not in Love With You
  
  
• Love Must be Tough
  
  
• The Divorce Remedy
  
  
• The 180
  
  
• Getting Past Your Breakup Even though this book is mainly written for people who have already lost the relationship, it has some really good tools to help you evaluate both yourself, your partner and the relationship itself.
  
  Best of luck and I hope everything works out.

This book will help you get past your breakup. It may make you sad first though while you grieve the relationship. Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You

Hey, our circumstances are different but are also somewhat similar and I know that when I made posts in the days and weeks after my breakup, so many people helped me and this is my attempt to extend that to you.

tl;dr of my breakup, I am a 26 year old male, we dated for 7 years, she left me 3 months ago because we became 2 different people.

Now that that's out of the way, I want to talk about our similarities and sort of the process that I've been going through, because I think it can help you. I will discuss the things that seemed to help me the most and recommend some things to get you through the tough days.

My world completely collapsed. At first was shock, I literally had no idea how to react. I didn't see it coming at all and that isn't to say that our relationship was perfect. We built a life together and a future, marriage, kids all of it. I was completely embedded in her family, nephews looked up to me, relatives all loved me, friends loved me. All of it was gone in an instant and I didn't know what to do.

The next week or so was me falsely thinking she must have been mistaken and that this whole thing was just going to be fixed when I talked to her again. I was pretty down, but I was sort of looking forward to talking to her and telling her we could work things out. She seemed confused at first and didn't know what she wanted, and this gave me false hope I guess.

We talked again and it was more clear that it was over, but I still couldn't comprehend what was happening. I went to talk to her with the intension of just talking about what I had learned about us and myself but it turned into begging and crying again which is EXACTLY what I DID NOT want to do.

The following week I felt like I accepted it, at least I thought. I started getting involved in so many things. I was seeing a therapist (highly recommended), playing soccer, going out with friends, reading self-help books, getting into ice hockey, I started p90x, I was planning events like hiking, and generally just being busy all the time. That week was much better, I felt like I was making positive steps.

The next week I hit rock bottom. I got a cold and all of my energy was shot. Finally reality hit and it hit really hard. For about 7 days I can say I was in a dark place, very depressed. I wasn't contemplating suicide, but I felt hopeless. I set out on a plan to better myself anyway I could so I took this time to try and turn it into a positive. I wasn't close to many people in my family and I decided to use them as a crutch for the first real time in my life. I cried to my parents, my brother, my aunts and uncle.

For the first time in my life I needed them and they showed up big time. Being able to break down like that and have someone talk you through it helps strengthen relationships with people you might not think you're close with. People will generally want to help you out.

After that awful week I felt better. I got my energy back and I started to distract myself again. On the advice of my therapist, I began to take more time for myself in an effort to be okay alone. I had made strides at feeling better while busy but I also needed to confront all of those thoughts and try to deal with them. I started to journal and set out to learn more about mindfulness. The journaling was slow at first and felt strange as I had never done it. I have probably written 12 or so entries now and it's definitely helping at this point. Journaling forces you to slow down your thoughts to get them on paper. This is huge and I will highlight this again below.

Mindfulness is still something I haven't done too much. I read a book on the topic and I will continue to pursue this as I read about the science behind it and how it can help a lot with anxiety etc.

This is sort of where I stand now. I am out of that deep depression and panic. There are times when I am overwhelmed with thoughts and feeling very negative about everything but I fight through it as best as I can. We have not contacted each other in about 35 days and even then it was just about money owed for the apartment etc. Am I over her? Absolutely not. I am learning to deal with it and try to move on. There are days where I believe it is over and days where I believe she might reach out to me and talk.

My goal right now? I don't plan on reaching out to her anytime soon. It is up to her right now and not me. I have goals to better myself and that is regardless of if she comes back or not. People will tell me that I need to move on and let her go. In a way, I am and I have, but in another way I have not let her go yet. I am okay with that, I am not going to force myself to hate her to rid the idea of her from my mind. Everyone is different and my plan is to seek happiness being single before I even think about reaching out to her or try dating of any kind. That is just me!

So... here is what I think will help you the most.

1. If you are feeling okay, if for a moment or a day, that is okay! When people say this is a roller coaster, they mean it! I remember my first few days of feeling okay and I freaked out thinking I didn't love her anymore. Sounds crazy but I think everyone has this moment. Just try to relax and be happy that you have a moment to catch your breath.
   
   
2. If you're feeling really down, it's okay to stay there for a bit. Feel those emotions because you won't want to do anything else then anyway. Just make sure you don't stay in that place, call a friend or family member to help you out of it. You can always revisit to let more out later.
   
   
3. Try to remember all of the good things in your life! Think of all the good people, all of the good fortune, everything. You are doing so awesome at life compared to other people. Be thankful for what you have. I know that this is easier said then done but just give it a shot.
   
   
4. Remember that everything you are experiencing and will experience in the coming weeks has been felt by most people on the planet. You will realize soon that every song on the radio is written about this exact situation... it doesnt make it easier but it leads me to my next point.
   
   
5. LISTEN TO TALK RADIO! I listen to sports radio, but if you aren't into that, find something else similar. Don't force yourself down a path of depression by listening to music that you either liked with your ex or lyrics that suddenly make you cry... just don't do it.
   
   
6. Try to get a therapist to talk to. It was the best thing I ever did!
   
   
7. Realize that this is going to take time, and don't beat yourself up for taking that time. Feel exhausted tomorrow because you're doing too much to try and move on, take a break and look at it as a positive step.
   
   
8. Read "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot. This book was like a close friend that I could talk to when I was feeling down and really comforted me. Please read it. http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1415741166&sr=8-1&keywords=getting+past+your+breakup
   
   
9. Live day by day. This is the most important thing in my mind. It's going to be hard but it will get easier if you try. You literally need to only worry about this moment for now. Try to live minute by minute then hour by hour then day by day. Don't let your mind wander to the future. When you are feeling down, everything will seem down, so of course you will think your future is bleak.. its not, it just you projecting your current mindset onto the future. My advice is to try to plan or ask others to plan something different each week. Something you can look forward to. At first it might not be "fun" but it will distract you and then it will be fun.
   
   
10. Forgive yourself. You're going to look at everything you might have done wrong and try to blame yourself for it. Resist this urge. You will look at that one time you finished the peanut butter and he needed a PB&J sandwich and it was all your fault. Of course this is what lead to the breakup! This sounds ridiculous but your mind can do funny things. Try your best to beat yourself up.
    
    
11. Reach out to people on reddit like you have already done. PLEASE PM me anytime you need to vent. I am available on gtalk, skype, and aim and I am willing to chat. It's helped me out a lot to have someone to talk to when I am feeling like crap.
    
    
12. NO CONTACT. Look this sucks... no way around it. You need to get all of the pictures and momentos, anything he gave you etc, and put it in a box and then hide that box. This is interesting for you since you are abroad. Maybe talk to family and have them box that stuff up for you. You don't need to make a decision on what to do with it right now, you can keep it forever or throw it out and burn them. Just get them out of site!
    
    UNFRIEND/BLOCK SOCIAL MEDIA. This is the best thing you can possibly do... have his instagram? Unfriend and block, have his facebook, same thing. Do it for everything. It will only hurt you. It doesn't mean you are giving up on the possibility of being together, it means it won't help you heal right now.
    
    Join /r/exnocontact and get a badge and every time you feel the need to talk to him, make a post and let people talk you out of it. You need to realize that not talking to him is the best thing you can do. It will help you move on, but it also gives him a chance to miss you. He won't want to get back together with someone in your state of mind. The only way to win him back is to try to move on.
    
    
13. Health and fitness... Do your best to eat as good as you can. Take a daily supplement, get your protein. I didn't eat much for a few weeks but then it came back. Go running, walking, biking, anything! Exersize is literally the best thing you can do right now. It will get you in shape and make you look better, but it releases endorphines that make you FEEL better. It's a win win and you have to do it. If you are out of shape, just go for a walk. Take it slow!
    
    YOU WILL BE OKAY.

Just learned about his book today. https://www.amazon.com/Getting\-Past\-Your\-Breakup\-Devastating/dp/0738213284

It's ok to be a little jealous, and it's ok to grieve. Then it's time to take a deep breath...

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/7pgh5n/lpt_one_of_the_best_ways_to_stop_being_lonely_is/

I have this book coming in the mail tomorrow. Fingers crossed it helps.

http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284

One of the first things she stresses is going no contact. Might sound counterintuitive, but do it. Cut off contact for a while like everyone else mentioned. Right now, everything's too emotionally charged and trying to be friends will just fail. Wait a while for everyone and everything to cool down. Good luck.

First of all, you will be OK. Anything you feel is completely valid. Do not, under any circumstances make any life-changing decisions right now.
I understand the pain you're going through. It's not the most helpful thing to hear when people say "Move on," or "there are plenty of fish in the sea." Your situation is extremely difficult, the loss is excruciatingly painful. It does take time to recover, and I can vouch that it gets easier with time. My ex (of 2years) left me 2 months ago. Feeling alone is something that will eventually subside, but remain active as much as you can. Staying still/doing nothing will only give you "free time" to think about your ex. As for advice on what to do now - I recommend the following:

1. go cold turkey with communication. Do NOT call, text, email or whatever you can creatively do to communicate with her. If you have problems facebook stalking (social media stalking) then give your password(s) to a friend you trust that won't mess with your account. 2) I highly recommend you read Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You (http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284#). This suggestion sounds really corny/silly, but after reading it, it really help me figure out what needed to be done. 3) Focus on yourself. Do things you like to do. Visit r/getmotivated. Really uplifting/motivating stuff. Personal favorite: Focus on the things you can change and let go of the things you can't. 4) Go to the gym. Make a routine out of it. Don't know where to start? Go to your local store and look at men's health magazines or buy a book/dvd to help you get started. 5) Talk to your friends about how you're feeling. Keeping it bottled up inside won't help you. It may even drive you further to try to contact your ex. 6) Put anything that reminds you of her in a box, and place it somewhere you will not be tempted to look at it or its contents. Give it to a friend if you have to. 7) Go out and mingle. Meet new people. 8) Writing in a journal is therapeutic. Drawing/coloring works too. 9) Remain active. Keep and or make schedule so you are constantly busy. 10) Eat healthy food. 11) learn to love yourself. 12) karma's also a bitch. She'll get her just desserts one day, and when that happens, you'll be in a better place. I hope this helps man. Hold on, you're in for a bumpy ride, just know that you're not alone. TL;DR: Go cold turkey. Focus on yourself. It'll be OK.

Shocking similarities between your situation and my own. 25M broken up with a month ago by 25F of 4 years after a period of long-distance, ending plans for her to move to be with me, and after me having told her I could see us getting married one day. (I'm also a grad student. We might be doppelgängers.)

Although I didn't receive such a clear letter from my ex, my understanding of her behaviour and the things she said during the breakup have lead me to believe her feelings are very similar to those your ex expressed (or at least that is the narrative I have settled on).

I agree with the other posters that we need to accept that this is over and focus on moving on. Personally I have had no contact with my ex since I saw her in person and she finally unequivocally ended things (just over a month ago). I am starting to feel a sense of acceptance and (dare I say) even hope for the future (but don't get me wrong, I'm still constantly thinking about it, often slip back into sadness and anger, and expect to feel this way for a few more months at the least). It sounds like your breakup was less of a clean break and things dragged on for a bit longer - I'd encourage you to make a clean break going forward.

If I were you I would focus on building your new social life in your new location. In some ways having a fresh start in a new location can help you - you will not be constantly facing reminders of your time together. Since it is the start of the school year there are probably also lots of other people new to town - so get out there and find some friends! Forcing myself to get out and keep myself busy has been the best thing for me (although it's still important to allot time to feel your feels).

Here are a few other resources which have leant me some insight and made me feel a little better about the situation:

• This post from the other side of this situation made me feel like I could understand better where my ex was coming from: http://simplysolo.wordpress.com/2011/08/02/simply-solo-spotlight-having-to-leave-the-good-guy/
  
• This post by a guy with a similar breakup describes his recovery journey: http://simplysolo.wordpress.com/2011/01/11/simply-solo-spotlight-the-hardest-part-is-letting-go/
  
• The book Getting Past Your Breakup had some really interesting insights about why seemingly good relationship end. She explains how relationships involve people undergoing specific "emotional development growth tasks", and that often when someone has completed a "growth task" it leads to a re-evaluation of the relationship and new needs and growth tasks asserting themselves. If the new needs and growth directions of the couple are not aligned, it can lead to the end of the relationship, even though things seemed perfect before. This insight helped me overcome the "did the past four years mean nothing?!" stage.
  
• For general "how to get over a breakup" advice there is tons available online and I'm sure if you're like me you'll eventually read every blog post on the subject, but the best distillation of all the available info I've found is the SomethingAwful Breakup Megathread: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3386887
  
  If you'd like to talk with someone in a very similar situation, feel free to PM me.

Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliot.

In a messy relationship? Read it. Just broke up? Read it.

The work you do in this book will help you to learn so much about yourself and inform any future decisions you make about relationships. She also has podcasts and a private Facebook group page.

r/https://www.amazon.ca/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284

Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You

He sounds like a piece of work. Blech. Sounds like an ex of mine. I highly recommend this book, this woman's writing was really what got me through the initial pain and trauma of that breakup (with a serial liar and cheater): https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284

Expect to take some time with it, there are a lot of writing and journaling exercises. But I know that it really helped me when I was in your shoes (2009-2010).

Once you've finished with that, I would also recommend: https://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/1416550216