Reddit reviews Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis.
We found 26 Reddit comments about Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis.. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.
Great product!
Games People Play by Eric Berne [Wiki] is a book about Transactional Psychology - this kinda describes what you're talking about. People develop strategies that work in interpersonal situations when they are young and then refine them into codified 'games' that they 'play' with people that they interact with. The author talks about various parent/child and victim/perpetrator relationships and how people maneuver others by rehearsed behavior to prompt an expected response.
It's interesting, if only for learning the ability to recognize a situation you're in, therefore giving you some options for responding that short-circuit the game or that steer the outcome toward a desired result.
It sounds like this guy got what he wanted in the past by throwing temper tantrums, and now he thinks that will work as an adult. Basically (as you said) it worked before... The unfortunate part is that he probably will have some success with this game with a lot of people that engage with him, reenforcing the urge to play the game over and over. If the result is not what he wants to achieve, he'll play another game internally that removes his responsibility for the outcome.
YMMV. Tax, tag, title not included.
Buy this book, it's a classic (Check out the Vonnegut review): http://www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Transactional-Analysis/dp/0345410033/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1313736082&sr=8-1
Roll it up so that it gains a strong cylindrical shape. Then beat her and her mother with it.
Guy here,
To me, self confidence is the ability to turn all of your internal dialogue off. The fact that you are trying to define self-confidence in itself means that you don't have it.
However, here you speak to what you self-confidence motivates you to do:
"I'm confident in myself. I'm generally a pretty smart person, and I'm constantly pushing my boundaries, making mistakes, and trying to improve myself."
But then you make a statement that lack's confidence:
"I think women get a pretty clear sense that something is 'wrong' with me."
Stop thinking that way. The way I see it IF a woman thinks that way about me based on just having a conversation with me she's not dating material. Furthermore, you're presupposing this.
Lastly, you may want to get a copy of this: http://www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Transactional-Analysis/dp/0345410033
I haven't even opened it yet but I bought it because I have the same problem you have. I'm simply realizing that it isn't that people don't understand me, I don't understand them as well. It's a two way street.
Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transaction Analysis, by Eric Berne
This book has been helpful for me. For me, the inability to engage people, and being awkward, came from inexperience. I didn't talk to enough folks when I was young, which meant I lacked the experience to form accurate conversational models. In lieu of making those same mistakes, you can apply some ideas of transactional analysis so things make more sense in the heat of the moment.
For example, one time I tried to be smart in a conversation but it ended up falling flat. Why? Because I was following a pattern of being a brainiac, because that's how I historically got respected when I wasn't a warm or exciting person. However, the other party wanted comfort and validation for a troublesome experience, and I wasn't giving that to her. Instead, I was generalizing her situation to an overarching theme.
Brainy? Sure. Satisfying? No.
Was she annoyed by me? Yes. Was I annoyed by her? Yes. However, knowing that we were playing different games, and ire came from the clash, calmed me down. This is just one of many kinds of transactions that can occur. People can have favorites; is there someone who loves repeating exciting stories to build rapport? Do you enjoy talking about a limited number of topics to retain expertise, and make every attempt to jiujitsu a conversation back to your scope?
That's okay. It's human to do that. But knowledge is power.
Sadly she has not. I think the theory has its roots in work performed by Dr. Eric Berne. He wrote a pretty good book called Games People Play. It's heavy on theory at the beginning, but it's neither too difficult nor too long of a read, and it's pretty insightful stuff!
Great list! I have read all the above and totally agree that their value is worthwhile to anyone seeking to improve their life -- regardless of financial status, relationships, profession, etc. A couple others that I've found useful along the road:
6. The Six Pillars of Self Esteem by N. Branden. During the reawakening stage and after a particularly painful breakup, I found this book helpful. Learning the concept of "alone-ness" versus "loneliness" continues to drive many motivations.
7. Games People Play by Eric Berne. Want to understand why your plate/gf/wife went batshit insane over the stupidest thing, and how to counteract it in the future? Read this book. Want to understand why your coworker was making those strange comments to your boss? Read this book - a must for anyone wanting to learn more about game theory and its application to everyday life. (Next on my list is The Art of Strategy ).
8. Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. In many ways this is an antithesis to Freudian thought -- whereas Freud argued man is happy when seeking and obtaining pleasure, Frankl postulates that finding meaning and understanding is what makes us happy. In the context of TRP theory, meditating on, if not fully understanding, these concepts is absolutely necessary.
9. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini. The seminal work on the concept and application of persuasion. From negotiations to dating/relationships to job performance, I would rank this book at the top of many lists.
A few other authors/books I've seen mentioned elsewhere that are worth checking out: anything by Kurt Vonnegut, The Art of War by Sun Tzu (which goes hand in hand with The Prince for a great East/West study), and Rollo Tomassi. I've also found some of Oscar Wilde's writing to be both amusing and insightful.
[edit: formatting.]
The Art of Deception: Controlling the Human Element of Security
What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People
Manwatching: A Field Guide to Human Behavior
How to Win Friends & Influence People
Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion
Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis
The 48 Laws of Power
You should read Games People Play; it'll give you a new perspective on your friends
my favorite piece of literature (happens to be on TA)
very worthy read about human interactions
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0345410033/qid=1099166101/sr=2-1/ref=pd_ka_b_2_1
Games people play by Eric Berne. A fascinating read, very small book with a great way to explain why some people react the way they do. Also Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi . This book is a pain in the ass to read, but once I got through it for the first time, I keep it close, like a bible. http://www.amazon.com/The-Art-Loving-Erich-Fromm/dp/0061129739
The Art of Loving, by Eric Fromm, again, amazing lay read book.
Hope you enjoy!
You could spend the rest of eternity fighting people online. And for zero benefit. We're not changing anyone's opinions, we're just helping them sharpen their own arguments.
It's the nature of the internet. Anonymous. Antagonistic. The real world is the opposite. Personal and (usually) considerate. So the advice is to unplug. You don't have to leave the house but you gotta turn off the computer, phone, tablet. Set goals. Can you go an hour without digital? An afternoon? 24 hours? It can be amazingly frustrating but also rewarding when we discover we can actually enjoy doing "normal" things. We are all codependent on technology these days. But just going for a walk we can spend 20 minutes off of tech quite easily. We've been trained to accept 100% digitization.
Read an actual book. Read everything you ever wanted to read. Take a book to an actual coffee shop. What's the greatest, most difficult book you ever wanted to pursue but you keep putting it off because you don't have the time or the patience? Read that one. Sign up for a library card.
> I look for fights sometimes just to get some attention.
What do parents do when their children are acting out having tantrums and destroying their toys? They ignore it. They wait for them to calm down and then interact with them to show them the negative behavior doesn't gain them anything.
> I've tried to find friends for so long
You've probably heard this before but the advice is to stop trying. Do what you would want to do whether your friends were going or not and the right friends will come along.
> no one wants me anyways
This is you judging yourself though right? You can't know who wants you and who doesn't. Don't convince yourself you can read their minds and know their thoughts. None of us are mind readers but we certainly beat ourselves up for not being outgoing enough, good looking enough, we're probably boring miserable people so nobody wants us. We all do this. So the challenge is to be yourself. Be authentic. Then you will find like-minded people.
It's not just about finding people who could like you. It's about finding people you could spend more than five minutes with without getting bored or going insane because you have nothing in common.
So when they say "put yourself out there" what they mean is pursue your interests. Your real heart-felt interests. Volunteer for a cause. Get a job in an industry that means something to you. If you want to learn French go to a French group on Meetup.com. Meet people in the real world. Turn off your phone and talk to people. It's work. It's awkward. Sometimes you don't know what to say. Go easy on yourself. Don't say anything other than "Hi nice to meet you" unless it's something you're actually interested in. When someone responds to you try not to be overly aggressive and blow them out of the water. Keep your responses measured. Respect their opinion.
These are skills. Social skills worth practicing. There are books like Thriving with Social Anxiety that help with this. It's like having a therapist in your pocket.
If you're truly worried you are torpedoing friendships there are books like Games People Play to see if you are doing things that are putting people off.
If you're gaming know that's a huge source of anger and frustration. So are chat rooms like discord, etc. It's all the same thing. You will not find nuggets of gold there. Your salvation is in your own choosing of how you spend your time. Put the internet down and pick up a walking stick. Go with Gandalf.
It's called "transactional analysis" where a "child" who the "adults" have treated as a child for a long time tries to be treated as an equal. It's one of the transitions that occurs as a person approaches adulthood, some more successfully than others. I like Games People Play by Eric Berne, but there are several others doing similar analysis. Don't push too hard, just open an adult dialogue and decline to interact as a child. It may take some time. In the meantime, you could always do a bunch of phone banking ;)
> I never really have to think about a guy pretending to be my friend because he wants to have sex with me...
Guys don't pretend to be friends to sleep with girls. Guys are friends with girls but also want to be more than that. It's usually when the guy realises that the friendship consists of them giving whilst getting nothing in return that they decide to end it.
Also, the friend who said this to you isn't much of a friend. Eric Berne wrote a rather good book called Games People Play that although quite hard to digest explains the sort of behavior your "friend" is engaging in.
I found psychology books were the most helpful for me, in particular I like Nurture by Nature. As much as MBTI is a sham, this book doesn't really try to place everyone into a little box but tries to explore the differences between personality types as it relates to parenting, using the MBTI more like reference points and understandable words than prescriptive categories.
Another good book that is interesting, though I don't agree with a lot of it, is Games People Play. This is just an interesting look into the psychology behind social interactions, it's a bit too prescriptive for my liking but it's a good resource for broadening your thinking all the same. Not really a parenting book though, but it does still explore ideas that are useful to know for parent-child interactions and a view of how they change as a child matures. Honestly, the theory at the start was the most interesting part of the book for me rather than the actual 'games'.
Not to be rude or anything, but I've been a dog walker and trainer casually for a while and honestly, positive reinforcement dog training advice is surprisingly useful. Zak George in particular is great for teaching puppies and younger dogs, and a lot of the reasoning behind why the training works is applicable to babies and toddlers, especially due to the similarities because of a communication barrier. So if you want a tongue in cheek 'parenting' book I'm sure there's something available down that avenue as well.
http://www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Transactional-Analysis/dp/0345410033
> Please don't tell me you believe this shit.
> whole article, beyond being obvious bullshit
Its an excerpt from the book “Games People Play” by Dr Eric Berne - the originator of transactional analysis.
> regret reading that whole article
Still, kudos for not tl;dr. I recommend reading the whole book to get full picture.
> Customers of hers blame her (her company representative) for things that are out of her control - things that other people in her company did. Lately, sometimes they yell at her.
First, I’m here to listen and all that.
Second, ask, “why do you think that happens?”
Third:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0345410033/ref=mh_s9_acsd_simh_c_x_3_w?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=mobile-hybrid-10&pf_rd_r=DEMVB1ZMZE1NMV9E6XYM&pf_rd_t=1201&pf_rd_p=71d72ce8-46f3-4412-8776-d8cede792a85&pf_rd_i=283155
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B078Q463RB/ref=sspa_mw_detail_3?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Fourth: encourage her to be more assertive and give her positive reinforcement when she is more assertive.
The hallmark of an abusive relationship is someone who is afraid of helping their partner become more assertive, and even punishes assertiveness. You want to build her up and support her building that aspect of herself up.
I think a lot of these kinds of problems are caused because of lack of boundaries at work, which are themselves permitted because the employee lacks assertiveness.
“Insubordination” does not have the same definition in civilian employment as it does in the military. “Scrub the toilets with your mouth, that’s an order!” doesn’t result in imprisonments and criminal punishment following refusal. Further, termination for refusal is a basis for collecting unemployment.
Be terrified of the boss that’s nice to you. They don’t need you. A chihuahua barks louder and more often than a Czechoslovakian wolf dog. It’s called overcompensating. They are aware of how important she is in the role she’s occupying. They are threatened by how important and vital she is. So, defensively, they want to at least make her doubt that and even believe that she’s incompetent or sub-par, to shatter her confidence and keep her in place, or at the very least, feel like they’re squeezing her for every last drop of work she can produce in an hour.
She needs to put what’s happening to her in context, and also think about if this is something that can get better ... or if this is a toxic environment she wants to eventually plan her escape from.
end psychodrama
That was all psychodrama. When people complain to you, they’re looking for comfort, not solutions to their problems. They just want to fee like someone cares enough to listen, support them, agree with them, and offer them a sound board and narrative that makes them feel like the victim ... with suggestions that might help them find the strength to no longer the victim anymore.
> She's had to work after normal work hours on multiple occasions the past few weeks due to time zone differences.
Meet her after work on some of those days. Have her favorite sweet stuff and coffee or tea for when she gets out. Drive her somewhere so you guys can relax, or straight home so she can collapse without having to worry about taking public transportation or staying awake to safely drive home.
> It's caused her to be stressed out even when not working.
Help her not think about work when she is with you. Life is full of stress. It will always be full of stress. It will always have important things that warrant our anxiety and attention. But none of those things has to consume us 24/7. An extra 4 hours of being on our mind is not going to help us change or get rid of the problem right now or tomorrow.
Imagine a computer or your phone. Imagine it’s running stress.exe and worrying.exe in the background ALL THE TIME! From time to time, those applications throw out unexpected pop ups and consume your whole screen. You can’t play games or watch videos. Your computer is too slow to run other programs. You’ve basically lost your computer.
Well, that’s your life. And if you don’t set boundaries for yourself and allow yourself to enjoy a few dedicated time for yourself each day ... then life is just going to pass you by, and you would have been nothing more than an organic biological worker robot.
I know it’s hard, but I’m here to help. And we’re going to start by going to ____ this weekend (or tonight). And I want you to try and be present, stop punishing yourself and being a Debby downer, and give yourself permission to .. at a minimum ... relax. You don’t have to have fun, but at a minimum, I want you to give yourself permission to de-stress, relax and unwind. Do you think you can do that?
> She doesn't enjoy or feel fulfilled by what she does even when it's not going this badly.
Of course not. That’s your mind telling you, “this place is toxic and making me feel emotionally burned out, there are no positives here, why am i still here?”
Would you still feel that way if you were able to set boundaries and be more assertive? If you find out that the answer is yes, then, you know that you have to start coming up with a plan to transition out of there.
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I got this for you. I know it’s just paper, but it’s scientific. Try using it as often as you can remember to. If you do, maybe it’ll just end up being a planner for you. But there’s a chance that it may help you discovery and clarify what makes you feel good, and what things you actually enjoy. Fun and happiness, those don’t really exist in the way most people think they do. But feeling positive and things we enjoy, although basic concepts, those things are real and more easily identifiable. Because of that, it’s clearer for us to know which direction to take more consistently in order to increase how positive we feel and how much time we spend enjoying things.
Games People Play by Eric Berne, M.D.
Read the table of contents. It's a pretty exhaustive list.
Mandatory reading:
Mandatory practicing, for people watching:
Mandatory practicing, for getting the PHB to agree with you:
Hey, mods how about putting these in the sidebar?
Agreed, definitely feel like I'm walking on eggshells when discussing the matter.
In regard to "The Games People Play," is this the edition you're referring to?
https://www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Transactional-Analysis/dp/0345410033
Re TA, here's a good starter (well more than actually)
https://www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Transactional-Analysis/dp/0345410033/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1500229632&sr=8-1&keywords=games+people+play
Not a psychologist (even better imo, a psychiatrist) but Games People Play by Eric Berne, M.D. is the best book I've ever read about the lowest level of human social interaction.
If anyone here is interested in human social interaction explained in a very Ti way, (by a brilliant INFJ) this book is absolutely a must-read.
https://www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Transactional-Analysis/dp/0345410033
I read Sommiel's advice and found that it was exactly what I was going to say. And I'm a guy. And I don't have any kids.
So: re-read it not as a daughter trying to connect with a mother, but as an adult trying to connect with another adult.
It's been a long time since I read it so I've forgotten most of it (and maybe even misremembered the theme of it) but you might want to read Games People Play -- it's likely in your local library. I don't want you to read it so you can identify games you and your mom are playing (she's already playing one with you) but, instead, so that you will avoid them. As young as your mom is, you actually don't have a lot of time left to connect. You're right to want to make the most of it. Good luck.
A reading list...
The Myth of Sisyphus
Fight Club
The 7 habits of Highly Effective People
The games people play
NGL, I'm much more open and comfortable with other animals. There's no need to perform. Humans can be fun, but sometimes I find them frustrating and overly complicated (thank you, introversion + social anxiety). No one says what they really want to say. Animals don't require small talk, or ask you to jump through hoops and play games. They're easy to please. We simply have different expectations when dealing with other species than each other.
> When he died I think I cried on and off for a week. And cried when I realised he was ready to die.
:[ Similar situation here. My dog died in November and I was really surprised how deeply it affected me. Five months later, my family adopted another dog and I was inexplicably sad during the first week. I love him now, but at the time I kept thinking about my first dog and how this other one was not him. I've had family members die but I wasn't really close to them so I didn't feel that sad. And then I felt bad because I wasn't sad.
IDK, man. Dogs ain't never judged me based on superficial appearances. And if they did, they kept it to themselves. That's more than I can expect from people. Jus' sayin'.
Edit: formatting.