Reddit Reddit reviews Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

We found 109 Reddit comments about Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Here are the top ones, ranked by their Reddit score.

Codependency
Healthy Relationships
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Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
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109 Reddit comments about Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself:

u/Kirjath · 852 pointsr/todayilearned

And this feeling is even greater in people identifying as having 'Codependent' personalities:

From this page:

http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-documents/patternsPage/ and the cached version

Excerpts:

  • I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
  • My unselfishness is often misconstrued or misperceived with negative results.
  • I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
  • I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
  • I compromise my own values and integrity too much, to avoid rejection or anger.
  • I put aside my own interests too much in order to do what others want.
  • I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
  • I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
  • I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
  • I can defiantly take care of myself without any help from others, but
  • I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
  • I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
  • I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve, but at the same time:
  • I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
  • I think 'The more I suffer, the more it shows I really care'

    Some things to consider:

  • For those of you who are thinking that these excerpts apply to you, click on the link and check the full list. If some most of them apply to you, do some research on your own, whether that's a coda meeting, buying a book, or just reading some more literature. I know you'll feel a lot better soon.

  • I have felt more caring and compassion at CoDA meetings than I ever have with most people. We're nice, we promise!

  • Most people deal with their codependency with a particular drug of choice, whether it's liquor, wine, beer, porn, coke, pot, food, or exercise. Honesty time: Mine is food.

  • So, either type of Jameson (Jenna or liquor) listed elsewhere in this comment section may help cover up those feelings, but only for a bit.

  • As for God: All that's required is just a 'higher power'. I'm an atheist; I still go. I replace it with 'Nature' or 'The Universe'. Anyone who admonishes you for not believing in their God is acting inappropriately, really. Really.

  • A great book, it really helped me: Codependent No More

  • This does not demonize consideration or empathy. People who are codependent can't help feeling this way, to a fault. We 'help until it hurts', and we can't stop. A balance is crucial, and the program is helping me find the right balance.

  • If you don't feel this way, please don't criticize those who do. Everyone is different and everyone has things they already have a good balance with.

  • A $20 book or an hour long meeting is a small commitment to potentially discover something incredible about yourself, even if you decide afterwards that it doesn't apply.
u/LaTuFu · 473 pointsr/AskMen

Here are a few books I would highly recommend for men (and women as well):

  • Wild at Heart by John Etheredge. For Men. The companion book for Women is Captivating. These are Christian books, discussing God's design for men and women. Even if you are not a Christian and have no desire to be, I think you may find some of the discussion very revealing or at the very least intriguing. These are not so much good "learn to communicate" books, as they are "understanding who I really am on a basic level" books.

  • Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. Another Christian Book, this one on the biblical view of marriage. Again, if you're not a Christian, I still recommend it as a resource for marriage. There are some fundamental principles of marriage that transcend religion that can benefit both spouses. For men and women.

  • Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie. This book is required reading if you or your partner grew up in a household with an addict (parent or sibling), an abusive parent, or single parent/divorced home with high conflict. It is not faith based, for men and women.

  • The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This is a great book that breaks down how we're all different, and we get our needs in a relationship satisfied in different ways. Understanding what your partner needs is fundamental to having a healthy relationship.

  • The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. This is another great resource for understanding effective communication within an intimate relationship, whether you are male or female.

    After that, if you have more specific issues in your story, like childhood trauma, there are more specific routes to go down. I also strongly encourage enlisting the aid of a counselor, therapist, and/or pastoral counselor if you or your partner are struggling with childhood baggage.

u/nagz_ · 31 pointsr/LifeAfterNarcissism

A few things I've learned that help...

​

1.) Get a therapist, check your insurances coverage first.

- After that you can find some that specialize in what you need, email a few to see if it would be a good fit for you. This website (Psychology Today) is like a google search for mental health help.

2.) Focus on self love and self care make a morning, nightly, and weekly routine. Commit to having "me time." This is just like making sure you have three meals a day.

- Make a special day/night for yourself once a week. Think if you were going on a date with your crush and all of the things you would do to make it so special, but that date is with yourself!

3.) Read Codependent No More

4.) The more you work on yourself, the better you can empower others by just your own [radiant] positivity; by this you are prioritizing your needs first always.

- This is a personal belief I have found through everyone from athletics to artists. I've learned the most in life from people who have improved their own situation to the fullest, and they never stop!

5.) Strictly only be friends with people that support you!

6.) Read You can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.

- It's saved my life! Some of it is a little funny but just look at the overall message of what she's trying to say.

​

*I'm going through exactly what you are night now and it feels like you will never get out of the cycle, but you will! It takes a lot of time and pure commitment and belief that you will get better!

​

Much love to you! ❤️

u/crosschain · 30 pointsr/HumansBeingBros

Remember the greatest gift you can give her is the boundaries and space to discover that she is enough on her own.

[Codependent No More](codependent no more: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_5gXxCbVN1W5AG) . This book changed my life and my approach to relationships.

u/greychuck · 29 pointsr/Parenting

Highly recommend Codependent No More if you have never read it, great book for the non-addicted partner in a relationship harmed by addiction.

Highly recommend Al-anon.

These resources are a starting point to help you take back some control of the only thing you can control: your own decisions. You know how you want him to stop making excuses and attack his addiction with real treatment? You need to do the same, attack your acceptance of this and your coping strategies that seek to pick up the slack, enable, smooth things over, negotiate, etc.

You owe it to your child and yourself to work on these issues regardless of what he does. You can't negotiate him into change, you can't force him to change, you can't control things enough to make him change, you can't make change easy enough to where he magically changes. The only thing you can control is you, and that's scary and hard enough.

u/magnoliafly · 22 pointsr/relationships

I highly recommend going to your library and checking out the book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. I also recommend seeking the help of a counselor or therapist.

Your behavior is destructive and you need to learn the skills to deal with something like this without letting it ruin or take over your own life in the process.

u/YesIStick · 20 pointsr/seduction

Dude, I love you asking about books!

Codependent No More

No More Mr. Nice Guy -I was raised by a very Beta father, and influences significantly by feminism over my education through teachers and friends’ parents. These two books helped break that and accept it is okay to be a fucking male and make your own way in this society.

•The 3rd is not a book but a podcast: The MFCEO Project also available on SoundCloud, and stitcher. I linked episode 107 because it greatly influenced how I structure my approach for life. I also highly recommend episode 141, the battleground mentality, it also helps address approaching society and how we make excuses.

Way of the Wolf - teaches business principals with a tried and true system. It isn’t for everyone but Straight Line selling is a very powerful tool.

Discipline Equals Freedom -This wasn’t as influential for me as I had already placed the development tools it teaches into place, but for anyone starting off on their self development journey I highly recommend it.

u/SeaTurtlesCanFly · 17 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

>Has anyone heard of being addicted to someone, even with major abuse happening?

The idea you're looking for here is co-dependency.

Co-dependent No More
is a book that is commonly recommended to people with this problem.

Coming from a very dysfunctional family, I have seen a lot of this. It is very sad. As yet, I have never been able to convince a co-dependent person to get away from their abuser, though I sure have tried over the years with multiple people. I hope you have more luck than I have had.

This book might help you understand the problem. If you can get your ex to read it as well - even better.

u/cheezytoast · 17 pointsr/relationship_advice

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

It may seem counter-intuitive but you can't love someone (very well) until you love yourself. All of your self-hate is toxic for your relationship, especially if you particularly hate who you are when you are around him. He probably feels like a jerk for yelling at you when things go wrong, so he also hates who he becomes when you two are together.

You might try some sort of self-soothing techniques and practice delayed gratification. When something goes wrong you might try counting to ten, while thinking about your favorite [whatever] before you talk. Try to not say those words that hurt your relationship. Realize, although the words immediately make you feel better, they only hurt you and him in the long run. Forgive yourself for things you've done and things you dislike about your old self. Picture you being the self you admire. Work on the way you react to negative things. No matter who you are with, they are their own person with their own likes and dislikes and feelings.

Take time to write down things he has done that made you feel loved. Occasionally thank him for one or two of those things. I believe it's true that most of the time, a relationship is beyond the point of no return when both people can't remember the good times they've shared, and strictly remember all the bad times (fights). Focusing on the fights and the differences between you is like focusing on a zit on your forehead. Sure, it's driving you crazy and it's hard to think about anything else but, the more you pick at it and squeeze it, the more swollen and red it becomes. In your (and his) quest to return to positive thinking remember there will be slips. The quicker you (both) forgive, count to ten, and then react positively the stronger your relationship will become.

u/greggybearscuppycake · 16 pointsr/AlAnon

Reminds me of a book I’m reading called Codependent No More

Glad you’re focusing on self-care and what’s right for you!

u/casualcolloquialism · 14 pointsr/TheGirlSurvivalGuide

Your dad acted like a jerk and it sounds like he acts like a jerk a lot. I grew up pretty damn conservative and I gotta tell you, I don't think this is because he's conservative. I think he's a jerk.

Not sure if this will apply to you at all or not, but part of disengaging from my conservative family involved learning more about codependency. I discovered that I had spent my whole life trying to make sure that others around me were happy at the expense of my own mental health and well-being. I really recommend Codependent No More by Melody Beattie to learn more about this. It was literally a life-changing book for me, and it might help you build some coping skills to deal with your dad.

u/Meonspeed · 11 pointsr/relationships

I have a similar history as you and my stomach was in knots reading your first post. In my late teens/early 20's I was in a relationship that turned abusive, and towards the end he used my past as a weapon against me. It was like he constantly had to remind me that I was "damaged goods" to keep my self esteem low enough to stick around. Like your husband, he was a good man who destroyed himself with alcohol and mental illness that he refused to get help for. I felt like a failure when it ended too, although it was probably the best decision I ever made in my life. I think you know deep down what you have to do, and I applaud you for your courage in taking that first baby step.

Please don't let any misplaced feelings of guilt keep you in a toxic relationship. You cannot fix him, and in a way you are only enabling his self-destruction by staying around and making excuses for his behavior. He hasn't been taking any steps to get well from the sounds of it, and he's using being sick as a way to manipulate you (i.e. ending up in the psych ward any time you go see your family) This has clearly devolved into a textbook alcoholic/co-dependent relationship, and if I could give you one piece of advice it would be to find an Al-Anon meeting in your area, and start going right away. I can't even begin to tell you how much it helped me, in every aspect of my life. This book was a life changer for me as well.

Ending an unhealthy marriage is not failing, it is a way of taking ownership of your life back. It's actually quite courageous in a way. The fact that you married someone with these problems isn't a failing either. You have what many abuse survivors have-an innate sense of empathy for other people in pain. There is a reason so many of us grow up to be caretakers, and often end up with damaged people who hurt us. It's that empathy and deep understanding that draws you in. It's not low self esteem, or masochism, like so many people suggest. It's not a character flaw-in fact it can become a positive trait if you harness it the right way. From the sounds of it you already are through your advocacy.

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that your story resonated with me a lot, and I'm pulling for you. I think you are on your way to making the right choice, and I hope you love yourself enough to go through with it. If you ever need someone to talk to who can relate, feel free to send me a PM.

u/The_Oddest_Owl · 11 pointsr/BettermentBookClub

"Codependent No More" is a standard written by Melody Beattie. I have to admit it's been years since I read it, but I remember it having a profound impact on me. It made me see things from a completely different perspective. She has a bunch of other books as well that would probably be worth checking out.

u/arithmetok · 10 pointsr/CPTSD

Hey, it’s fucking bullshit that cost is a factor when we’re facing a life-threatening injury. It’s bullshit that you have to figure out how to do this on your own. However, I know that you can do this. You’re already doing it — asking for help is the first step. Allow me to believe this for you until you can believe it yourself.

I have had unearned privilege that granted me immoral access to resources, some quite expensive or even elite, and I’ve worked my ass off, and I am living a meaningful life worth living.

However, I hope you find it encouraging that I made the most progress in reparenting myself using books that you might even be able to get at the library.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving — Pete Walker

Codependent No More — Melody Beattie

Codependent No More WORKBOOK — Melody Beattie

Facing Codependence — Pia Mellody

Breaking Free WORKBOOK - Pia Mellody

Codependent behaviors and motivations overlap significantly with CPTSD, and codependency can be at the root of all kinds of trauma responses (freeze, fawn, fight, flight). So, strategies developed for codependence often include an element of reparenting, inner child work, etc.

I found going to co dependents anonymous meetings to be another cost-effective resource. (Usually suggested donation of $2, only if you have it.) Being around other people openly struggling towards healthy and loving relationships with themselves helped mitigate the shame I felt.

One important step in the process that I think it’s easy to skip over is giving thought about what kind of parent you are using to parent yourself? What are their qualities? Things like ‘patient, quiet, attentive, sober’ might come up.

Then, when you’re in need of reparenting,
You can ask yourself ‘how would a parent with the qualities I chose respond to me right now?’

It’s important that you’re activating your imagination in the reparenting process — try not to think of your ideal parent as the opposite of your actual parent. You’re trying to open up the brain to accepting a new idea — putting a splint on the trauma injury — so it’s not helpful to remind it of past patterns when you’re trying to write new ones.

I hope that made sense! Feel free to ask clarifying questions.

u/Jilly_Bean16 · 10 pointsr/breakingmom

Your partner and Patrick sound pretty codependent. I like this book for learning more about codependent relationships and how to increase self esteem.

u/ginger_sprout · 10 pointsr/stopdrinking

I recently read Codependent No More and I can’t recommend it enough. It has really helped me see how my old thinking and behavior in relationships kept me locked in unhealthy patterns and kept me from developing as a person, independently of what anyone else was doing. It’s helping me realize that the only person who I can or should try to control is myself.

I’m currently reading The Language Of Letting Go by the same author, which has daily thoughts about about the same topics. It has also been hugely helpful to me, and is available for free, along with other recovery readings, at recoveryreadings.com.

When I first got sober this time around I went to an Alanon meeting, which is a support group for people who are in relationships with alcoholics. I’m not currently in a relationship, and it didn’t feel entirely relevant to where I am right now, but it’s a fantastic resource and might be worth checking out.

Therapy has also been a great resource and support for me. I’ve gotten sober before while living with an active alcoholic. My ex was not as regular or as compulsive of a drinker as I was, but he still drank regularly, in unhealthy ways, and addiction popped up in a lot of ways, for both of us, in how we lived our lives. It was tough for me to stay focused on doing what I needed to do to take care of myself and support my sobriety. I worked a lot on putting effort into it, but I didn’t look for ways to get the support that I needed. More support, earlier, would’ve helped me a lot.

That’s just my experience, for what it’s worth. I wish you luck, and it sounds like you’re in a loving and healthy headspace regarding all of this.

u/TheLadyEve · 9 pointsr/SubredditDrama

The systems theory perspective holds that addictions are kept in place by the family system, rather than simply being the sole responsibility of the addict. Essentially, the family is like a cell, seeking some degree of homeostasis. For dysfunctional families, addiction may serve to maintain the balance of the system, so in order to change the addiction certain other factors in the family need to change as well. The addiction is serving a function, and as long as the system is reliant on that function (whatever it may be) then it will be very hard for the addict to successfully change within the system.


In terms of more academic reading, Substance Abuse and The Family is a helpful text. It gives a good overview of systems theory and how addiction functions in families.

In terms of books for family members looking for support, Codependent No More is a classic. Another book that is more general but which I just finished reading and loved is Adult Children: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families.

u/donniedarko76 · 8 pointsr/TrueChristian

It sounds like your husband is an alcoholic and used the message of grace to resume drinking . Alcoholics can be very abusive and sinful. Alcohol will eventually make him miserable and completely destroy him. I know first hand. I wouldn't envy him.

I'm sorry you lost relationship but it's better for your kids and you if he's not around. I would urge you get counseling or at least reading Melodie Beattie's Codependent No More. It's a book about taking care of yourself and dealing with people like your ex-husband. God loves you and will help you through this. Keep going to church and talk to your pastor.

u/disbelief12 · 8 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Your mom is too involved in your personal business.

Full stop.

There is so much about your post that raises red flags, and I totally understand that you have a hard time seeing them. But really -- your mom is allowed to feel disappointed that you made a few mistakes (which are yours to make, btw -- it's your life), but she has gone off the deep end. It is entirely inappropriate for her to come at you in the way you describe. About your decisions, about your new partner, and about your choice of career. NONE OF THIS is appropriate.

My Nmom (and yours too, it seems) had a narrative about me, and she derived a lot of satisfaction from pressuring me to stay in that box. One step outside that box and the gloves would come off. Normal parents don't behave like this. They see their children as separate people. They want to see them make good choices, sure, but they don't shit all over your choices in an effort to make you conform to some narrative.

I see a lot of myself in your post -- I am long married to a (good) person who my Nmom always disparaged. I too have written about interactions with my Nmom in which I have been overly generous with how she is behaving toward me (as you are doing in this story -- her behavior is actually abhorrent and she owes you a massive apology). I second all of the recommendations for therapy because it will help you recalibrate your sense of normalcy in a parent-child relationship (and adult child at that). I would also encourage you to take break from talking to her if she can't treat you with respect, or at the very least, not bring up this topic ever again. You deserve that much. (You actually deserve much more, but this is the bare minimum.)

I wish you all the best. I think you may also benefit from reading about codependence -- Codependent No More is a good place to start. It's focused on codependence as it relates to alcoholism, but generalizes easily to the dynamic between ACoNs and their N(s).

u/uniformdiscord · 7 pointsr/Codependency

This definitely speaks to me, I know the feeling you're talking about.

One thing I can suggest is trying to practice awareness. I can imagine right now when you're freaking out about him not texting you for 10 minutes, or whatever it is, you feel stupid or bad in addition to the anxiety you're feeling. You probably start beating yourself up for feeling the way you feel. Try not to do that. Rather, just allow yourself to feel what you feel, and observe it. Try to rest in it. "Hmmm, I'm incredibly anxious right now. Why am I anxious? I think it's because of my boyfriend not texting me (or whatever). Why is that causing me anxiety? I think I'm starting to imagine all kinds of dark scenarios like him cheating on me. I know that's probably not happening, and him not texting me is not a reasonable indication of that anyway. This anxiety is really about my own insecurities and need to control. Ok. Let's just let this go on for as long as it does, and observe it." That kind of thing.

Just remember that this particular behavior is only a symptom of your larger disfunction and unhealthy behavior towards relationships.

Are you religious, spiritual, or have a belief in any kind of higher power? If you have any sense of that, something that's really been helping me when I have reactions and unhealthy obsessions like this is to stop, recognize it, and then ask God (as I know Him) to come into that moment and feeling with me and to let me feel His love for me. I don't try to not feel it, I just accept it. I also don't beat myself up for feeling that way.

Some resources:

Codependents Anonymous website, a 12 step recovery program for people who want the ability to have healthy relationships with others.

Codependent No More, a great book.

Good luck!

Edit: don't know why that link isn't working...

u/Richelieu1622 · 7 pointsr/AskGayMen

Actually if he’s not meeting your needs and does nothing about it, that is taking you for granted. His feelings about his body image is not your concern b/c you are his partner not his therapist. If he’s sick, is he seeking help? If not then once again doing nothing is not the answer unless you’re OK with the status quo. Also, the notion that leaving a relationship is not a course of action is quite naive and dangerous. Sometimes you must quit for your own safety and health, mental and physical. I recommend this book b/c from the sounds of it you need to read it immediately. You are young so you have much to learn. Best of luck to you. https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

u/lisatlantic · 7 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

First off, good for you for trying to overcome your own childhood trauma (and yes, emotional neglect is a trauma) and do things right for your family. I am on the same path.

This might sound really silly, but are you familiar with the kids tv show Daniel Tiger? It's a cartoon based off the old Mister Rogers show. The relationships and scenarios are a little more tidy than what you'd see in real life, but I honestly have improved my parenting by using the helpful tips and emulating the adult figures in that show.

There are several books I can think of that have helped me. I would suggest reading more than just parenting books... it's important to heal YOU. (I don't know the details of your childhood or any of the issues that affect you now, besides what you've mentioned, so some of these may not be applicable to your situation.)


http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Our-Children-Ourselves-relationships/dp/1887542329/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023157&sr=1-1&keywords=raising+our+children+raising+ourselves


http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023193&sr=1-1-spell&keywords=coependent+no+more


http://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023212&sr=1-1&keywords=complex+ptsd+from+surviving+to+thriving+by+pete+walker


http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023231&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk


http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Kids-Children-Control-Their/dp/0310243157/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414023293&sr=1-1&keywords=boundaries+with+kids

that last one is a little heavy with the religious quotes, HOWEVER, even I as an atheist found the book excellent and applicable, and the message very very different from most Christian parenting books. So if you're religious, great, if not, this is still an extremely helpful book. They have an original version written for adults too, which I have not read.


edit: I see you've already posted at the sub I suggested.

u/kalechipsyes · 7 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

You very clearly need a break.

You may end up facing charges if she chooses to file. That cannot be helped at this point.

But, none of this changes the fact that you got there through severe abuse, and need to get out. Let this be a wake-up call. Don't let yourself get driven to this point again.

Find some way to detach. Find an outlet for the anger. Find an outlet for the sadness, and someone to hear your story. Begin detaching the hooks she has in you and allow yourself to focus your life on finding peace, in whatever form it comes. Likely, you need NC if things are this bad.

You can take responsibility for something that you did that was wrong, while still also being the victim of something, yourself. That's allowed, and does not reduce either. Things are not black-and-white in the real world. But, you need to take responsibility for your own needs and feelings, and learn to fulfill them in a healthy way, if you are ever going to heal - that means getting the help that you need and breaking that drama triangle, even if that requires physically removing yourself from the situation.

Just remember, always:

You are, fundamentally, good.

(edit: added another link).

u/RazzleThemAll · 7 pointsr/relationships

[This] (http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025) might help you make the first few steps that are so difficult

u/gijen3 · 6 pointsr/stepparents

Please get professional help! Also read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

u/ARealRocketScientist · 6 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

It sounds like you should read this book.

http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

From the way you have described, it sounds like you are in relationship were you are invested in making your lives better while your partner leeches a free ride off of you.

u/VirginiaStepMonster · 6 pointsr/stepparents

Like /u/Goldenopal42here says, he thinks it's fine now because you obeyed. You capitulated to his unreasonable demands under duress and with a threat of him leaving. Of course it's fine, you fell in line and he got his way.

If you stay, this is your life for the rest of your life. You will obey his demands or he will have temper tantrums. He will not change. You will see random acts of kindness, but you will live in fear that if you do not toe the line every single day, he will lash out at you.

This is abuse.

If you want to be free from this cycle, you are going to need to take some serious steps. Your first step was coming here and asking for validation that you are not crazy. You aren't. And this is not your fault. None of it is.

Your next step needs to be educating yourself on the cycle of abuse and codependency. In addition to researching coercive control mentioned by Golden, please get yourself a copy of "Why Does He Do That?" and start reading. Also look into Codependent No More and related books.

When you are ready to go further, you may also wish to look into CoDA (codependents anonymous) and see if they have groups in your area.

I have been where you are, I know how frightening it is. Please, please, love yourself enough to start planning your life without this type of coercion and control and abuse.

u/The_Ersatz_Hatrack · 6 pointsr/cripplingalcoholism
u/seeds_of_change_TA · 6 pointsr/Divorce

> as time went on I became increasingly more depressed (not entirely his fault, genetically predisposed to depression here) and my sex drive took a dive

I thought I was pre-disposed to depression too. I was severely depressed and has extreme anxiety the last few years of our relationship. Now, 9-months post separation, I feel like myself for the first time in years. Your husband is making you depressed.

> The sex thing was REALLY hard on him, and made him feel unwanted

OMG, I dealt with this shit so much. He would do X, Y or Z shitty behavior to drive me away, causing me to avoid intimacy with him. Then I was made to be the bad guy - he made me feel so guilty, that I was emasculating him and making him feel unwanted and abandoned. In reality, he is the one who has abandoned you for his other relationship - the bottle (not to mention the other women). He abandons you, makes you feel like nothing, takes you for granted, cheats, drinks, and when you withdraw after all this rejection he makes YOU the bad guy. No.

> I wasn't ready to give up my entire life just because he made a mistake

He didn't make one mistake. He has made a series of mistakes and you keep forgiving him. He is pushing your boundaries further and further to see what he can get away with. He apologizes for mistakes then turns around and keeps doing it, and taking it one step further. To make things worse, he tries to turn it all around on you because of your lack of intimacy which all came about because of his inability to be a decent partner.

> now he's ACTUALLY TRYING

What is he actually doing to try? He has begrudgingly agreed to stop drinking for a short amount of time. He is being, as you say, "patient, tender, and understanding." About what?! He should be grovelling on his knees, in intensive therapy to address why he treats you like shit and takes your marriage for granted - all while YOU are showing patience, compassion, and understanding for HIM.

He's trying to blame everything on you, and you're letting him. This is not a judgment. My ex and I had the exact same dynamic for 15 years. Take it from me: let him go. Free yourself. It's not easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. But it's so worth it. You must break your codependency, start demanding respect from others, and stop blaming yourself.

These two books helped me in my journey:

Codependent No More
How to Break Your Addiction to a Person

u/MakePeaceInThisPiece · 6 pointsr/RBNSpouses

This is my two cents. Take with a grain of salt. I am not a professional anything.

> If your family member is/becomes an alcoholic or addicted to drugs, do you just leave them be?

If that person is doing harm, HELL YES. Speaking as an addict in recovery, NO ONE CAN FIX AN ADDICT. It is completely down to the sick person to face the consequences of their actions and seek recovery if they choose. If you want to learn about detaching with love, seek out Codependent No More.

As for NPD in particular, empathy can't be learned. A person without empathy can learn pro-social behavior, but s/he will never be motivated by empathy. Unfortunately, his/her narcissism is rewarding his/her perfectly. S/he has no real motivation to change.

But that is all beside the point.

NO MATTER WHAT, if a person has children, HIS/HER RESPONSIBILITY IS TO THOSE CHILDREN.

No one owes an N a year or two. No one owes an N him even an hour.

The pro-social behavior an N shows at the beginning of a relationship is bait. The N seems perfect because s/he is performing a role. Afterward s/he slowly begins to test how much harmful behavior his/her partner will tolerate. The N will only do more harm. The N will never return to his/her former "perfect" self.

In this way, someone who pursues a toxic relationship hoping to recapture the bliss of the first high is very like an addict.

That's all I know.

I hope you find what you're looking for, and I hope you find abundant peace and joy.

EDIT: Fixed link

u/direwolfed · 5 pointsr/relationships

IMO, when someone is acting out with anger they are actually manipulating those around them with the "survival tools" that they learned at a young age. Like a 5 year old screaming for what they want till they get it. Your parents are responsible for the nature of the relationship that they have with your sister. There is nothing you can do about Brandi if she is set in her ways and always reacts like a self centered adult screaming for control.

I think that the solution is in telling you parents to stop treating her like a child and more as an adult. She is 21 and the nurturing stage of parenting is done. They are now causing harm rather then helping her for the real world. Do not sit and listen to what your parents complain. Rather, let them know that they are allowing this in their lives (do it lovingly of coarse). You might even want to buy them this book, it has helped me set my own boundaries and learn to nurture my relationships in a healthy constructive manner. Giving me the courage to allow the ones I love to grow on their own while remaining loving and supportive without hurting myself.

u/BackroomBiscuit · 5 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

Have you checked out [Codependent no more]
(http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/)? It may be what you are looking for.

u/otitropanit · 5 pointsr/AlAnon

Ugh. Do you have a copy of Codependent No More on hand? It was my go to to help me recenter when things fell off the rails.

Edit: spelling

u/zehjwqvno · 5 pointsr/relationship_advice

Read this book:

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_WMkIDbR8Z9PP1

u/merow · 4 pointsr/AskReddit

Seriously go to the book store right now, buy this book and read it.

http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

u/SlovenianHobbes27 · 4 pointsr/relationship_advice

"And through all this he has never thanked me. He doesn't even act like he cares that this past year was hard for me as well. At times he seems to actually resent me. We never spend time together, he doesn't go out of his way to help me in any capacity."

Honey, I'm so sorry you're going through this. But people show you who they are, especially in tough times. He has shown you who he is. Your desire to change him, to "fix this" is a sign of codependancy. Please read up on codependancy, especially the book http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025 . Go to your local libary and read.

You can't change him, he has to want to change himself and he has to work hard on changing himself, and that will require years of therapy and hard work on his part, and lots of suffering on your part.

He's toxic. You're suffering because of him. Why don't you walk away? What do you, realistically, have to lose? The relationship seems really one sided and toxic. You seem like a very caring, lovely person, who he has been taking advantage of. Why don't you take off some time from relationships, work on yourself and then find someone who will treat you much better?

I also encourage you to read, for future relationships, "5 languages of love" and "His needs, her needs". It will help you and your future partner, someone who will care for you and treat you much better, to have a very happy relationship.

Please, break up with him and set yourself free.

If you want to talk more, I strongly urge you to post here ->talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/ .

Also, send me a message or reply here if you want to talk more.

Best wishes

u/Detective_Lindy · 4 pointsr/StopSpeeding

First of all, congratulations on six months sober! Congratulations on the four year stretch before your last relapse. You say some things that are unkind about yourself and addicts in general (the notion that they are “selfish” and...I don’t want to disagree with you to hard here, since that is the received wisdom...but let me try to reframe it a bit: you have made a commitment to getting and staying sober, and that is a set of skills that is going to see you through, whether you have reached your last relapse or not.) You are also incredibly brave to put this out there, and your parents are extremely loving and patient with you (and themselves!) They don’t make themselves out to be victims, nor do they treat you as a villain who has fucked up their plans...that is what support looks like, and you are extremely lucky to have them). This is a long video, but I watched all of it, and it seemed to pass in about two minutes. It’s chock full of good advice, and anyone here who has a problem, but is afraid to tell those who are close to them should seriously consider sitting down with their loved ones to watch it together. I wanted to make some bullet points for anyone who doesn’t have the time and inclination to view all of this, because there is so much good advice here for family members who know someone who is struggling with addiction, so:

  • You know that something is off because things are missing/out of place (steak knives and soda cans that have been cut up with them here).
  • Addicts live in denial and it’s going to rub off on you. You don’t want to ruin your standing in the community, and the problem is still viewed as shameful...but there are resources out there for people exactly like you. Find and participate in a support group, especially if you don’t want to.
  • Don’t protect your addict from consequences (your father mentions not calling the police at one point when he knows that it is the right thing to do).
  • Be careful about enabling bad behavior (your parents talk about buying you groceries, and you tell them straight up, “When you did that, I used my money for drugs.”) The corollary to this is that one thing you can as an addict is tell those who support you is the truth about what you will do when they offer help.
  • Be patient and be prepared to let go without giving up. (Your mother talks about going to bed when it is extremely cold out, worrying that you will freeze to death, because you are on the streets.)
  • This isn’t stated explicitly, but learn about codependency. The hallmark of codependent behavior is trying to control other people. Addicts are very good at using codependent behavior to enable their addiction. (Your mother talks about putting bars on her windows and setting alarms, after the vendor who is about to install them tells her straight up that you will adapt to them so that you can use within the restrictions they impose.) The best book I have found on codependency so far is this one. A few comments on it: it was written by an addict, and the one thing I got out of it more than anything is how addicts themselves exhibit a lot of traits that she lists as “codependent.” The biggest gem among her advice for overcoming codependency is to set goals. This works for addiction, and it works for those who live with addicts (but not if your goal is simply “quit using” or “I want my son or daughter to quit using.”...that is based on the codependent hallmark of control, after all).

    On a personal note, I felt a lot of emotion toward the end when you told your parents that you love them, they told you that they love you, and you hugged at the end. You have suffered enormously for your addiction. I believe that you are going to make it because you have this kind of support system.
     
    On a polemical note, I watched Dr. Phil do what is essentially an intervention a few days ago. He had an alcoholic grandmother with two disgusted daughters who decided to cut her out of their lives because she wouldn’t admit she has a problem (but would admit that “she likes drinking”). It makes for great ratings, but is the absolute wrong thing to do. This woman is probably going to drink herself to death, and if she doesn’t she is going to drink herself to continued misery...which she won’t feel, and that’s why she drinks! Your parents are the other side of the coin. They didn’t give up or shun you because of your problems. They saw your problem as their problem. They gave you love and support in ways that are appropriate (your dad had lunch with you, even when you were dirty and smelly, and he told you that he loved you no matter what). You have a strong foundation for loving yourself, and you are extremely lucky to have two parents who are that loving. I’m impressed with what you chose to do with that love.
u/TheBraveChoice · 4 pointsr/AsOneAfterInfidelity

I recommend this book to anyone who identifies with any of the symptoms of codependency:

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_c0caCbTEGFWS2

It's a classic. Every social worker and counselor I know has read it and recommends it often. My WS and I both have codependent tendencies, but they play out of different ways. My issue is that I tend to take responsibility for others' happiness, and by extension, responsibility for their actions. My WS tends to feel the need to take on others’ problems, and in doing so can become inappropriately entwined emotionally.

This played out both in her affair, and the way I have tried to come to terms with it. Knowing and understanding our tendencies, we can navigate more clearly through the challenges presented by the different ways we experience and respond to the other is doing/saying.

In short, understanding this concept has improved our rebuilt marriage immensely.

Cheers,

u/schmidtmj · 4 pointsr/Codependency

Codpendent No More by Melody Beattie

The one and only book I've read. It was very helpful for me.

u/temp_guy7777 · 4 pointsr/BPDlovedones

I have been doing a lot of self reflection, and I had the same thing to be attracted to needy cluster b types. I chased a narc for years, begging for scraps of attention. After my recent divorce, all I can say is, I am to blame for getting into the relationship and staying. Read this https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=codependent&qid=1567971717&s=gateway&sr=8-3 , and also work on meditation and finding yourself, ask yourself why aren't you enough for you, why is there a drive for another to complete you.

u/Vascodamus · 4 pointsr/writing

In my personal couple's counseling, our counselor has recommended two books so far: Codependent No More
and
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No

These are both specific to our particular issues, but maybe you could find some use :) Good luck!

u/kpezkpez · 4 pointsr/relationship_advice

Agree 100% with the above. Suggest reading Codependant No More as well. Good luck. Keep your chin up.

u/[deleted] · 4 pointsr/infj

Great that you're considering your needs! Just be careful to not go from one extreme to the other. If you like to read these kinds of books, check out Codependant No More. It's about setting healthy boundaries, like you are trying to do.

u/Derparita · 4 pointsr/breakingmom

I have a book I'd like you to read. It's called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It was suggested to me by my ex's therapist, when I joined him in a therapy session and ended up sobbing. It helped me see things from a different perspective and gave me strength I didn't know I had. The book drastically improved my life and it only took a few days to read. Here it is on Amazon. I was skeptical at first because:

  1. I had never read a self-help book before and had honestly zero faith that it would help anything.

    and,

  2. The cover of the book made me defensive because it says something about controlling others.

    But, read it. It all makes sense once you get into it, and I really think your situation will hugely improve if you do. It's just a book, so worst case scenario, you don't gain anything from it but another book to add to the list of books you've read. Best case scenario, your life is changed for the better.

    Here it is on Overdrive, you can see if it is available at your local library or even in e-book form.

    Edit Actually, I found the e-book online for free (actually it is a free 4-title bundle of her books, but it includes the one I am recommending) so I downloaded it to my Dropbox account. I'll PM you the link so you can just click the link and read it. If anyone else wants to read the book, PM me and I'll send you the link too.
u/QueasyOrchid · 4 pointsr/MomForAMinute

I know it’s depression and not alcoholism, but I’ve found this really helpful in my life and it may help you too: https://al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf

I’d strongly recommend reading the book “codependent no more” https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

u/geareddev · 3 pointsr/relationships

>why does he continue to fucking do this

Because he can. Your mother never left him. Your brother lives with him. You returned home to him. Has his alcoholism cost him anything that he really cares about?

You might find these two books helpful.

Codependent No More

Boundaries

u/MondoHawkins · 3 pointsr/relationship_advice

If he can't or won't stop the drinking that is negatively affecting his life, he qualifies as an alcoholic. Doesn't matter if it's every day behavior or sporadic. Alcoholism exists in many forms.

If you're not willing to leave, joining a support group for friends and family of alcoholics and addicts might help. You could try out a local Al-anon meeting, or Smart Recovery (non-12 step program) has an online meeting every Monday night for friends and family.

Given that you don't want to leave someone with a substance abuse problem and especially because you said, "I shouldn't have to babysit him," I'd wager that you have a codependent personality. You might find some peace from reading Codependent No More.

Staying with someone who has addiction problems is a tough road to take. I hope it works out for you, but no matter what happens, take care of yourself first.

u/need_CF_advice · 3 pointsr/Divorce

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Chant this to yourself over and over: "If he says he's a monster, I should believe him. He is a monster."

Please know that nobody is ever to blame for these things. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. Nobody deserves abuse of any kind. And your actions absolutely are not to blame.

Something that helps me when I start feeling misplaced guilt is to imagine that I am in a friend's position. As a friend, what would I say to myself? I've read through a lot of your posts in the last few minutes and I think you would tell a friend in your situation this: "WHAT ARE YA NUTS!? This guy obviously doesn't deserve you, and you are beating yourself up for nothing. Don't even give him a backward glance."

Now I know that giving and taking advice are two different beasts. But it helps to think of it in those terms. What would I objectively have to say to a person listening to me say these things?

Your posts, including this reply, show that you feel you are worthless and undeserving. You give 100% of yourself to others and make excuses for their bad behavior.

You have worth. You have value. You deserve love. Until you believe these things yourself, you will continue this pattern of seeking abusive relationships.

If you can't afford a therapist, seek whatever help you can online. Look up books and articles on codependency. I myself am a codependent. Here are the two books you need to get STAT:

How to Break your Addiction to a Person

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

u/sack-o-meat · 3 pointsr/selfhelp

I can relate to your behavior. I am people-pleaser too. But I am getting better at it. One of the things that helped me was reading about co-dependency. I realize that co-dependency is most often discussed in the realm of substance abuse but, in reality, the underlying conditions for people like us is the same. So, too, is the solution.
Try this book for starters. It's highly regarded as one of the best out there on the subject. Just ignore the references to things that don't apply to your situation (yet) and focus on the similarities. I think you will start to find answers to your questions.
Good luck.
Oh, one more thing, it gets better! As you start to lose fear and gain confidence, it becomes avalanche of self empowerment.

u/mayihaveatomato · 3 pointsr/Divorce_Men

Second. OP, you may want to take a look at this. I was “saving” my ex from her past and her family for years. I thought that connection would be strong enough to keep us together forever, especially once our two kids were born. She eventually ended up cheating, we divorced, she apologized and we got back together “for the kids.” Then she ended up cheating again, marrying a guy from out of state and I had to battle in court to keep my kids here. I learned that you can’t fix a broken person if you’re in a relationship with them. All you can do is guide them to the help they need. I’d be VERY wary of you getting back together with your ex. I view that move as the absolute worst choice I’ve ever made. They only come back because it’s safe. People that are going to cheat won’t leave a perfectly good boat. They wait to find another one then sink the shit out of yours. Good luck OP

u/mddede · 3 pointsr/Divorce

Even though you are no longer dealing with the alcoholism you should try reading this book. My therapist suggested it and it changed not only my understanding of the problems but allowed me to find my way out of them as well. Good luck.

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Ca... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_awdb_t1_-7E-BbWBMPXZH

u/Devvils · 3 pointsr/BPDlovedones

> This situation has left me feeling very helpless, hopeless, empty and broken.

So you hooked like this?

Sounds awfully familiar - abuse, temper tantrums, behaving like a 5yo, etc. If you are confused, congratulations, its designed to be that way. You need to ask yourself "WHY AM I STILL HERE"?

Abuse? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_abuse#Adult_relationships

Jekyll & Hyde Personality? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/True_self_and_false_self

Is this you? https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

u/firephly · 3 pointsr/SupportforSupporters

I'm in a similar situation. What I told my SO is that unless he gets help I won't be able to take it any more. That got him to get help, but then he stopped taking meds and going to counseling, so I had to recently let him know again and he has an appt. If you can, try and get some counseling for yourself too. Also the Book Codependent no more is a great read and a big help.

u/thenomadicbear · 3 pointsr/TwoXChromosomes

It might be helpful to check out some Al Anon meetings in your area. Without getting into it too much, the behavior patterns a person often creates when they live and love someone with dependency can be detrimental and a barrier to growth within and beyond that relationship. Learning more about how his alcoholism and behaviors have affected you and recovering from that yourself can be a great step toward healing. Also, this book might be really helpful. http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025 Good luck with your journey.

u/ChillaximusTheGreat · 3 pointsr/addiction

Also the feelings of guilt are is called co-dependent. Do yours self a favor read up on it. Here is a good book:
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_hw3gzbAKFH85N

u/FinnianWhitefir · 3 pointsr/socialanxiety

The best way to be there and help her the most, would be to work on your codependence and learn some stoicism.

These two books really helped me take a step back, accept that other people are going to live their lives the way they want to live them, and helped me realize how I could best support them without trying to make them do what I thought was best.

https://www.amazon.com/Art-Living-Classical-Happiness-Effectiveness/dp/0061286052/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1474561815&sr=8-2&keywords=the+art+of+living

https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1474561824&sr=8-1&keywords=codepency+no+more

If it helps, I finally got some help and therapy by an offhanded "That sounds a lot like depression, you should probably talk to someone about it" from a friend, so you never really know what comment or new idea or helpful word is going to be the final thing to get someone to get help. Just saying, be there and be helpful, but realize it could take years for her to realize that she can get help for it.

u/mattdan79 · 3 pointsr/relationship_advice

I'm very much like you. A year ago I was suicidal.
I'm here to tell you there is a way out!

I would seriously look into your Codependant issues. You are not a bad guy but you have to see. No one forced you to get into a relationship with this sick person, no one held a gun to your head and made you stay. You can keep pointing the finger at her but at the end of the day you have to realize that you keep putting yourself in harms way. You even see how you attract the crazies on OKC.

  1. Cut off all unneeded contact with her. If you have no shared assets or children this should be a matter of just divvying up your stuff. The less contact the sooner you get better

  2. I highly suggest you read these two books and find some support groups in your area -- you don't want to replace one codependant relationship with another!

    http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

    http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

    Give yourself a break! You just need a change of perspective. In a year you can be so much happier. I know it doesn't seem it now but if you take this opportunity to convert all that pain to growth and understanding you will be so happy! All the best OP! Keep us in the loop.
u/catbugcatdog · 2 pointsr/Advice

I think you ended a relationship in which he emotionally had left a long time ago. In other words, he abandoned you and you declared an official breakup after the fact. You absolutely got dumped...you were invested more in it than he did and are experiencing the pain of a person who was rejected.

I was in a similar situation and man it gave me abandonment issues for a while internet hug What gives me hope is that you advocated for yourself and ended an inequitable relationship. Sometimes we give the wrong people more choices and chances we would expect for ourselves. http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025 No more one-sided relationships!

u/waftastic · 2 pointsr/gaybros

Man, I was in your exact position not too long ago, with my perfect-match partner. Like others have said, you need to work on moving on.

You really need to read this book: Codependent No More

There's a couple sections dedicated to detaching that I really benefitted from, and you will too.

u/g33km0m · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

I'm glad that you took the time to read the comments about Codependency and saw what I was reading in your comments. (I posted the list from the CoDA site).

When I realized I was CoDependent and what that really meant, I got help. If you can, read CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie -- and if possible, find a CoDA meeting ASAP.

Her reaction is not surprising, but completely typical. Do not let her control you. Get some space and focus on yourself.

Best wishes to you - You can do this!

u/Arat90 · 2 pointsr/confession

Hi you. We seem to be in very similar boats so I wanted to try and offer some insight from a familiar perspective.

>Someone as strong as me should be able to snap myself out of this. If I can be strong and help other people, why can't I do it for myself? Why am I unable to control those reactions in the moment. I know I need to own up to my wrongdoings and mend them.

Wow, this. This is basically what I say to myself everyday for the longest time now. My whole life has also been revolved around helping others and finding happiness through theirs. And yes, I too have done some pretty awful, stupid things that severely damaged my closest relationships. I am still paying for it now.

I think if we were in each other's shoes right now, you would be telling me something along the lines of "You should learn to love yourself, stop focusing on other people and focus on yoruself."

That's what I wan to say, but I know if I were given that advice, I wouldn't take it. The concept of "loving yourself" is so completely foreign to me, I can't begin to wrap my head around it. It wasn't until recently that something finally clicked and I realized I needed to get to the bottom of whatever the hell was making me fail so hard.

I came across this book and just reading a short synopsis of it really sparked something in me. You should give it a chance if you have time, it really addresses just how prevalent and horrible codependency can be.

If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me.

u/handsfree_riptide · 2 pointsr/BreakUps

Earlier this year I had a breakup with my ex who had several mental health problems including BPD. She began another relationship after a month or two and we kept in touch and were even "friends" for about 6 months afterwards. When I learned she had described him as the first person who ever really cared about her, I said screw it and we've been out of touch for a few months now. I think you can understand the disappointment and pain for me that in the end I never was able to make her feel loved or truly cared about.

I've struggled a lot with that. I don't know whether to believe it or whether it's just crazy. We were together 5+ years and she never felt cared about? Sometimes I have all these doubts about what kind of a person I must be that my partner felt that way. When she started seeing this new fellow she told me I never cared about her needs whereas with him it was easy. I felt so angry because the whole damn relationship was my taking care of her needs and her yelling at me if I screwed up or wasn't completely neutral or cheerful about it. She told me I wasn't even half of a considerate person. And like I said, I still for 6 months after the breakup was trying to prove her wrong, even as she was making me feel this bad about myself and I was doing terrible in terms of my own mental well being.

As much as I've struggled with it, I'm actually grateful I heard that thing about the new guy caring for her in ways I never did. It snapped me out of the "fog" and made me realize that she has no idea what a healthy relationship is or what adults caring about each other actually means. She wanted a parent-child relationship. I remember realizing at some point while we were together that it felt like I was living with a teenage daughter who hated me. At the time I didn't know why or what to do about it, but I remember feeling that way. Her and this other fellow broke up after 3 months, I assume because she had the same kinds of expectations.

I read a book called Codependent No More which explained a lot about how I felt as I tried to fulfill that role over the years and the damage I'd done to my own needs and sense of self by inevitably placing her's first. I cannot recommend this book enough. Other concepts that I learned about and recognized deeply:

FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt)

[JADE](
http://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain) (Justify Argue Defend Explain)

Karpman Drama Triangle


If she contacts you and you find yourself compelled to respond, examine your feelings closely and be mindful of why exactly you want to respond. Be on the lookout especially for feelings of obligation or guilt, or feeling sorry for her. Those aren't the basis for an adult relationship. Don't react. You have a right to trust your own perception of things and validate your own feelings. Take your time with everything and make your own life easy. You took on responsibilities in this relationship that weren't yours and were impossible to fulfill. Now enjoy the lightness of being yourself.

Sorry if that is presumptuous. In my reading on BPD it seemed these were common experiences of their partners. I hope some of it is useful and you can get on with your life and heal soon.

u/randy9876 · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

It's interesting how the OP, unlike you, AMerrickanGirl, isn't in touch
with her anger. Her boundaries are too weak. She has some background that made her this way. I'm not too sure about these "friends", either. She needs a better support system. Colleges have counseling available. She needs to use this service. This problem is very common.

Type in the phrase "Women Who" into google search and see what the auto complete does.


=======================================

http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0671733419

Review

"An extraordinary self-help book that reads like a page-turning thriller....This beautifully written, intelligent book can help women break the pattern of foolish love." -- Los Angeles Times

350 used & new from $0.01

=======================================

edit: "Codependent No More" is another hugely popular classic on this topic.

http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_cmu_pg__header

u/deb1961 · 2 pointsr/raisedbynarcissists

I'm going to add Will I Ever Be Good Enough.

I read Co-Dependent no more because of my father's recommendation years ago. It really helped me learn how to deal with the alcoholics in my life (NMom and my ex-husband) while learning to stop my own enabling behaviors. I think OP & her father would benefit reading this.

u/remitree · 2 pointsr/exmuslim

:-) Well. It depends on your age. If you are very young you have to depend on them for it. But if you have reached at least teenage, you are able to be independent.

Parents can be toxic and damaging if they are not good enough and in that case you have to wean yourself off them for emotional support. You have to start not caring about whether they approve of you or not. Join support groups, find more friends and most of all, you have to be emotionally self-reliant. There's a term called Codependency and this book is very popular for that same topic.

But the financial support is the issue. You can still be financially dependent on them while being able to be emotionally independent. Just make them happy on the surface and be on control on the inside knowing that you just need them for the money and know that they are wrong for forcing you for these conventions.

You havent told your age, your financial status, about your job, your ability to be on your own. I'm assuming there's no way you can be on your own 100%. Are you looking for a better job etc? Many people have to wait until they can do those things so its ok.

But you definitely dont have to be emotionally dependent on them (unless you are less than 13 or 14 years old). When people reach around 15 they can think on their own and be able to survive in situations where their parents are idiots. Because they are forcing you to go to these events, I'm going to say that they are because they have disowned you for expressing your own wishes to not go there. Sorry I have a low tolerance level for bad parents/parenting.

And what do you mean by "emotional support" from your parents? They aren't giving you much of it by ignoring what you want and forcing you to go to these events. They are not the right source of emotional support for you. What kind of emotional support do you need in any case? Approval... for what?

I want to talk about them paying for the apartment. Can you pay for it yourself so you can be free from them?

I'll give you my own example. They would ask me to call relative X and Y and say hello. I confronted them and said its my own life, dont tell me who to call. They have now learned that I do my own thing. But apartment money is the problem in your case so... you have to do things differently.

You can also PM me if you like, if there's something you dont want to share publicly. You'll have to wait for the time you are on your own and do what you want. For now if you want them to pay the apartment money, well, maybe they wont do that anymore. If they can, good. If they wont, you know you have to find a solution. So will they pay for it?

When you are done with your education and have a job I think you will make good money. So just wait it out, tolerate their BS and go to the conventions and browse reddit while you're there. There's no other way unless you can be on your own, and you'll have to find a cheaper place in that situation.

But there is no need for you to be emotionally dependent on your parents when you are a young guy above his 20's. I'm guessing that what the situation is.

u/totally_rocks · 2 pointsr/AskMenOver30

The relationship doesn't dictate if you're codependent still after forming those thought patterns. You need to seek help.

here and the same again is a great book that's well recommended on /r/codependency

Also, www.Coda.org is a great site.

u/sleepingafternoon · 2 pointsr/relationship_advice

Your mom sounds codependent. From google... Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

I'm a 26f. A lot of what you posted was spot-on with what my own mother used to do. This book (http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025) was very helpful for me to understand why my mom acted the way she did. She still continues to try to manipulate me but now I don't engage with her when she does that.

u/GoogieDow · 2 pointsr/DatingAfterThirty

I have given this book to many friends and used it as a Bible to exit a relationship. You will look at the title, maybe even the description, and think it doesn't apply to you. Then you read it and... 💡

Co-Dependent No More By Melody Beattie

Also recommend the amazing The Language of Letting GO

u/jkgibson1125 · 2 pointsr/survivinginfidelity

The woman is not remorseful. What you have is what we term regret. She is regrets getting caught.

Here are 15 actions and attitudes that were published by a therapist who deals with couples healing from infidelity. These are actions that the cheating spouse must be doing in order for you to have security in the current relationship:

Those who want to heal their spouses and relationship are:

• are non defensive

• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses

• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners

• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done

• make amends and apologize to loved ones

• apologize often, especially the first two years

• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain

• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings

• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering

• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

• keep no secrets

• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities

• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing

• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair

• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair

• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children

• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth

So go through this and be honest with yourself. I look at what you wrote and I don't see her doing any of these things.

I think you only have very little of the truth here. I believe it was full on physical affair. I would highly suggest you get the book Co-Dependent no more, because of your inability to leave her due to her emotional manipulations.


https://www.amazon.co.uk/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1549471686&sr=1-1&keywords=codependant+no+more

u/gonzoparenting · 2 pointsr/Divorce

Your wife is clearly an alcoholic. That doesn't make her an inherently bad person, but it does mean she isn't fit to take care of your kids.

You need to try and have your kids as much as possible and keep them away from their mother, especially at night.

You also need to read up on co-dependency because I am pretty certain you are one. And I say that as a co-dependent.

Read or listen to "Codependent No More". It will change your life.

u/bbsittrr · 2 pointsr/offmychest

> By continuing to lend him money and your car you are enabling him to continue his addiction. This is codependency, and is very common in people close to addicts.

This is harsh, but this is true.

OP, you were trying to help, so much! You literally gave until it hurt.

This:

>And when I got mad and tried to talk to him about it he told me to “go fuck my self, it was nice knowing you”.

Just wow. He's sick, very sick, and you cannot fix him, he needs to be the one who seeks help and change.

He'll be back soon, by the way. He's not going to keep a job in Boston, his sister knows what he is and will be done with him before too long. Not your problem when he comes calling again, and he will.

So sorry OP.

Oh: this book can help a lot

https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

***
Is someone else's problem your problem? If, like so many others, you've lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to someone else's, you may be codependent--and you may find yourself in this book--Codependent No More.The healing touchstone of millions, this modern classic by one of America's best-loved and most inspirational authors holds the key to understanding codependency and to unlocking its stultifying hold on your life.

With instructive life stories, personal reflections, exercises, and self-tests, Codependent No More is a simple, straightforward, readable map of the perplexing world of codependency--charting the path to freedom and a lifetime of healing, hope, and happiness.


u/BPDRuins · 2 pointsr/BPDlovedones

This is very insightful and likely quite accurate. Are you in therapy?

Think of him like a drug. You are a drug addict. You've decided you want to get sober. That is fantastic. You'll need help with that. You need to figure out why you needed the drug in the first place, and learn how to change your thinking and patterns, and heal the void and trauma that was created by your early experiences.

Having been in your exact shoes, I know how hard it is to leave. I knew for probably 2 years that I was on a sinking ship before I left. I used to say, "I know this won't get better. I know he's awful to me. I know I need to leave, and yet I know I won't do it. Where the hell is my line!?"

You simply have to resolve to do it and do it. The sooner the better.

Here is a game plan that worked for me:

  • Get into therapy ASAP and be TOTALLY HONEST about how he treats you and that your goal it to leave him but you find yourself unable to do so. This will be your biggest resource.
  • Read these books: How to Break Your Addiction to a Person || Codependent No More

    Once you find yourself able to consider actually going through with leaving:

  • Outline a plan to move out / kick him out
  • Break up with him for good
  • Go no contact (Does a heroin addict get sober by reducing the amount of heroin he takes?)
  • DO NOT STOP THERAPY. I've been seeing mine for 2 1/2 years now and don't plan to stop anytime soon. We have our own deep-seated issues that landed us here in the first place.

    I wish you truly all the best. Please know that on the other side of this is an unfathomable amount of freedom, self-discovery, and happiness, if you do it right. <3
u/BoxDropCroissant · 2 pointsr/NonBinary

Yessss!

Good for you!!!

If you need some reinforcement, tips, etc - highly recommend this book:
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

u/softer_rain · 2 pointsr/BPD

> My only thought is that even if I do seek help for myself, I still come home to a struggling husband. His sadness is mine, his struggles are mine.

I hear you... and I want to tell you, with kindness, that it doesn't have to be that way. If you are interested in self-help books, I'd like to pass along a recommendation from my therapist, it's called Codependent No More. Don't let the part about "controlling others" throw you off, it's really about caring for yourself the way you deserve to be cared for and not letting other people's problems consume you.

I hear the fear, and your fear is valid. And I agree that your husband is too caught up in himself... so maybe it's an excellent time to work on yourself.

u/whatsreallygoingon · 2 pointsr/AskReddit

Seriously, Danweiser is right.

You should check out the book "Codependent no More".

u/downtownjj · 2 pointsr/RealEstate

I try not to give too much personal advice, but I would definitley keep the title in your name, charge them rent, (even if it's like 40$ or something), and then buy yourself this book

u/Clicker8371 · 2 pointsr/Anxiety

My SO and I have been together for my entire adult life as my anxiety has gotten worse and worse. My therapist had me read a book called Codependent No More.

It doesn't deal with anxiety directly, but it helped me quite a bit with an issue similar to yours.

Sorry if that sounds wrong, it might help - it might not. I'm not accusing you of being codependent or trying to discredit your feelings.

u/infiniteart · 2 pointsr/alcoholism

Alcoholism is not the same thing as codependency

I'm not diagnosing you with either, but what I am saying is when my therapist had me read a book called codependent no more That really opened my consciousness to a lot of my behaviors that I'd never ever considered being something about which I even had a choice.

You might read it and learn something, if you want.

u/BaesicDogGirl · 2 pointsr/abusiverelationships

You are worthy of love, you're just not going to the right people to get it, and most importantly you're not loving yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, at all.

Take a step back from seeking out love from other people, and work on loving yourself. The rest will come. I know because I've been you.

My ex already had another girlfriend by the time he broke up with me. It was truly devastating. I had very dark days and blamed myself for not being good enough for him to stay and let him walk all over me even after the breakup. That was three years ago. Today, I am so happy with who I am and I am also in a healthy relationship for the first time in my life with a loving and giving partner.

I recommend this book on abandonment and this one on codependency.

​

Keep your head up! You are worthy of so much in life. You have enough. You do enough. You are enough.

u/hubbyofhoarder · 1 pointr/Divorce

I didn't take the position that my actions were in any way equivalent, morally or otherwise to those of my ex, nor am I suggesting that you do so. If a mythical sky man evaluated me and my ex, I would nearly certainly be judged to be better. So what? Focusing on how much better I was, or how hard I worked at our marriage doesn't help me to heal, to be a better parent, or be a better partner. I'm not hurting anymore, so I can reflect honestly on some things I did and know that I was not the man, husband and father I wish I had been. Focusing on my superiority also didn't help me understand my own dogged willingness to soldier on in a horrible relationship to my own and my son's detriment.

Have you considered the possibility that you're a co-dependent? Has your ex's life swung further out of control now that you're not there to compensate?

Co-dependent No More by Melodie Beattie might be worth checking out for you: http://amzn.com/0894864025

u/drippingw_alchemy · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

I read an incredibly empowering book when I 25/f went through a similar situation http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0894864025?pc_redir=1396751285&robot_redir=1

Here is a link to the book on amazing. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or just want to get stuff off your chest! Best of luck!

u/dorky2 · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

If you really can't swing therapy, try reading some self-help books. This "think of others before self" thing isn't just a neutral personality trait that is part of who you are. It is a self-destructive habit that is hurting you, and you can change it. It is your responsibility.

I am not big on self-help books, but my sister swears by this one. Good luck to you. You do have the ability to change these patterns.

u/YourTherapistSays · 1 pointr/psychologystudents

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_1NNUCbHRNAKFT

u/Otherkin · 1 pointr/AdviceAnimals

I used to be like that until I read a self-help book on co-dependency. It's not super scientific, but it does offer a different way of looking at life.
http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

u/skipdivided · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

I think that your awareness of this is the first step. You're already seeing a counselor, so that's the next step.

I've been seeing counselors for as long as I can remember, and it hasn't been until I decided to take action that anything has actually changed. This action takes different forms for different people. I'm in a position now where, similar to you, I've been in relationships for the majority of my life. I'm currently dating a man who completely loves me - clingy, neediness, "crazy" and all. And despite all of this, my knowledge that these characteristics are still here has influenced my decision to end this relationship and embark on one I've been avoiding for years; my relationship with myself. I'm going to work to get to know myself as hard I would work to get to know a guy I'm interested in. Figure out what I like to do, what makes me tick, what I want my morning routine to be, what I want to eat at a restaurant, what music I'm going to listen to... Whatever it is that I would like to know about a significant other, if I don't know about it in myself, then I am looking to find out - explore myself and put effort into my own happiness and self love. We hear it all the time from many clichéd sources, but if you don't love yourself, you'll never be able to love or be loved by someone else.

I'm going to guess that, based on your description (been in relationships forever, have daddy issues, and are clingy/insecure) that my situation is not dissimilar to yours. Do yourself a favor and take care of it sooner than later. It will be a constant effort to work through, but you will be happier for a longer part of your life than if you wait to deal with it.

I hope the best for you!

Edit: Typically this "diagnosis" is called Codependent. Read about it and see if the descriptions apply to you. I read a book called Codependent No More that helped me hugely. Some applied, some didn't, but it helped regardless.

u/Xemnas81 · 1 pointr/PurplePillDebate

Yes, if you took away all the focus inn sexual strategy, misogyny, feminism and evolutionary psychology, in TRP you'd have a support group for co-dependent men with rough childhoods.

http://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-1-4684-8956-9_5

http://www.drglover.com/no-more-mr-nice-guy/the-book.html

http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

http://cmapspublic2.ihmc.us/rid=1LPSL5QBZ-2YSV70-3PQ0/Attachment%20style%20as%20a%20predictor%20of%20adult%20romantic%20relationships.pdf

http://www.researchgate.net/publication/6915789_Adult_attachment_style_as_mediator_between_childhood_neglectabuse_and_adult_depression_and_anxiety._Social_Psychiatry_and_Psychiatric_Epidemiology_41_796-805

Connect the dots.

I agree though, therapy would be better-r/PunchingMorpheus handle this sort of thing a lot for those on the fence or going ex-red. It is a shame that r/offmychest ban anyone who has even subbed to TRP.

u/lazysnakes · 1 pointr/askMRP

I would suggest you both look over this book: CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie. A real eye opener. To me the whole process of swallowing the redpill is about recognising and removing codependent behaviours, I see real similarities here. Outcome independence. You cannot control or change others, only yourself. There are also meetings CoDA meetings, like AA but for codependents, that your gf might benefit from if she gets that far down the road.

u/myreallife123 · 1 pointr/hoarding

Once again, thank you for taking the time.

Your words are extremely helpful.
Your idea of focusing on what I can do is very helpful.

This also goes very well with what I am learning from my reading in [Codependent No More] (http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025).

I know this is a process and I can only control myself, but I find it to be such an uphill battle cleaning something up after my wife only to find it almost immediately filled again with clutter. Or seeing my kids learning these bad habits. This coupled with the condemnation from her for doing her work is very difficult for me. I think this is why learning to focus on what "I" can control as you (and the books) suggest is so important.

Many thanks internet friend.

u/Uhtred_McUhtredson · 1 pointr/BPDlovedones

This website over time has consistently been my "go to" for getting the most insight about my relationship in general. I think all of Shari's BPD articles are gold.

At first I only read them to understand my ex, who she describes to an absolute tee. When I would read about the typical male BPD partner, I pretty much ignored that as I didn't think it related to me at all. It stuck in my mind, however, and over the months I'd keep coming back and thinking "Yeah, maybe I am like that," or "She really is describing my own childhood pretty accurately, I just never thought of it that way before."

So here I am, almost exactly a year later, and I come back to those articles all the time because I now see how I am that person she describes. When the pwBPD is gone, we still have to live with ourselves and I think having a better understanding of why I made the choices I did is priceless.

Here's a good article that deals with codependency in BPD relationships.
Borderline Waifs and Unsung Heroes

As for an actual book on the subject, the only one I ever read was Codependent No More
I didn't really feel like I needed another after that one. I was on the fence about the whole codependency thing at first and only got the book to prove to myself it didn't fit me. Before the end of the first chapter I was absolutely convinced I was codependent.

u/freakscene · 1 pointr/ADHD

This would be more appropriate for /r/relationships.

> •He is slow walking his divorce; delaying anything to do with lawyers, with mediators, mostly due to feeling overwhelmed. His ex is also not pushing me to do it so its causing me to always be the one reminding him he needs to follow up on certain matters

> •He forgets to do so many things all the time; which then bite him in the ass. When things come up in our daily life that I know he’ll forget, I tell him right away to put it right there and then in his Google Calendar in his phone, but then it seems like I’m bossing him around.

You are way overstepping boundaries here.


>•He fails to make plans for dates, special events, etc.

Do you actually ask him to make plans? Do you make plans too? Do you feel neglected with him, and if so, do you genuinely think he is interested in fixing that problem?

>•A lot of his needs often because immediate emergencies that trump everything because they were left to the last minute and must be attended to right away.

That's his problem, not yours. He can face his own consequences. He forgets to RSVP for a wedding, or attend a parent-teacher conference? Shrug it off and focus on your own day. Besides, he's not going to be more responsible if you keep swooping in and fixing everything before it blows up- that's called being an enabler.

>•He doesn’t really think about my needs or doing anything for me.

If he's dragging his feet on the divorce, not making space for romantic dates, and not thinking about your needs, what do you think that means? Is this the way you want to be treated in a relationship? And why do you think it's an ADHD issue vs. just not really being ready for another relationship (if he's really even that into you).

I'd recommend reading "Codependent No More" and seeing a therapist yourself. Not with the goal of fixing him, but with the goal of relenting your desire to control what he does, to discuss your desire to medicate him into being the man you want instead of asking yourself if you love him the way he is, and how to learn to focus on doing things YOU like and achieving YOUR personal goals.

u/meginmotion · 1 pointr/menwritingwomen

this book was eye opening

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself https://www.amazon.com/dp/0894864025/

u/Calichusetts · 1 pointr/SMARTRecovery

Yes, one of the members at my meeting recommended this book and several people have already said its a really good insight into their lives and addiction:

https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

u/Slowlyloosinghope · 1 pointr/Divorce

I believe this is it:

Codependent No More

u/snakeplantselma · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

The child of an alcoholic... you're primed to be a codependent. I recommend the book Codependent No More, How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. It's excellent for SOs of alcoholics, workaholics, all-the-holics. You can't control her behavior, but you also don't have to allow you being controlled by it.

u/filmdude · 1 pointr/SEXAA

That's great to hear! So happy that you are starting recovery for yourself. Sorry we had to delete the thread because of the triggering words. I wish we didn't have to do that, but we really value keeping this little sub a safe place.

Here are some books and websites that might help you (they have helped me):

The Big Book of AA
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/alcoholics-anonymous

Codependent No More
https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

Al-Anon (Help Group for those with control/care-taking issues)
https://ppgalanon.wordpress.com/weekly-phone-meetings/

Hope you keep coming back and update us on your progress.

u/VanillaRoyale · 1 pointr/suggestmeabook

A book about codependency might be good, though I'm not certain on memoirs. I'm thinking specifically Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself . From a review: "In her lifetime, she has survived abandonment, kidnapping, sexual abuse, drug and alcohol addiction, divorce, and the death of a child."

Had a friend read this, and the concepts really freed her to live her life, define what her desires were, and feel the need to manage other's lives less. Highly recommend it, and there are many personal anecdotes. Really easy to relate to.

u/ceebee6 · 1 pointr/amiugly

It sounds as if you might be codependent. I'd suggest reading Codependent No More and starting to look into therapy if you need someone to help you grow. Putting up with these types of relationships isn't good for you, and it's a vicious cycle.

You need to get yourself healthy on your own first before you can find a partner who will treat you well. And you deserve to be treated much better than these assholes have been treating you.

u/vicious_armbar · 1 pointr/asktrp

You're co-dependent. Read Codependent No More and apply it. It's written by a woman so the prose is a little touch-feely for my tastes. But the knowledge contained in it is very valuable.

u/QMHA_ALLDAY · 1 pointr/mentalhealth

I get that, totally. You're upset because people in reception of these places see 100 things a day and I'm willing to bet your friend's situation is one of them. They saw him, they sized him up and they waved him off. We could make up some narrative about their triage of patients and trying to find the ones that they, "know they can help." That wouldn't do your friend any good though.

Here's what I'm noticing,

> I'll have to wait until he's in a more stable mood to broach the AA with him.

> try to convince him there's still something that can help

> we've both cried for help every way I can think of over the last year

> He's totally given up

This is all language that is placing him in the role of the victim and you in the role of hero. This story you're building is going to do nothing but leave him powerless, because it's "poor him" that can't do anything about his disease. It's going to leave you helpless and feeling worthless, because no "hero" can "fix" this issue.

I know what I'm going to say is going to go against your narrative, but the truth is, you have no dog in this fight.

Your sad feelings, your fear of death, your attachment to a positive outcome, your need to be a (helpless) witness to his downfall...all of these pale in comparison and are insignificant to what he could lose.

His life. His chance at a future. His right to be a free and independent human being.

His reward activation pathways need a chance to heal and he's the only one who can right them. Nobody can make him do anything. He can, and he knows he needs to. There's not an alcoholic alive who doesn't know the truth of what the drink does for them.

Like I said before, he might not die. He might try to kill himself and live. He might not try to kill himself and drink for 30 years. He might get drunk and kill somebody because of an error in judgement. These things are his responsibility.

Get yourself to a CODA meeting. Bring what you've written here. Listen to stories of others who have suffered the same way you have and learn from them. At very least read "Codependent No More." and realize these stories don't have to be the same as yours. The people in these stories are engaged in the same power dynamic and it runs their lives.

Thank you for posting and sharing your story. I'm hopeful others will read your pain and understand more through your lens. I thank you for being his friend and doing what is best for both of you.

u/smitten_kitten_73 · 1 pointr/loveafterporn
u/hiwhoami · 0 pointsr/AskReddit

Even if you're not co-dependent, read the book Codependent No More. Lots of people do subtle things that kill their relationships whether they're aware of it or not.

u/Rick_Perrys_Asshole · -7 pointsr/Divorce

>It sounds like you did this and are projecting on to me. I am not your wife, so please don’t assume you know the dynamics of relationship with my soon to be ex.

I am not projecting anything. I am simply giving you a different POV of how you stated things. I thought I was pretty clear in my response

>Take a step back and do some self analysis. I know nothing of your STBX and I also know nothing of you, but the way you talk ... sheds some light

>Where does all your money go? If you are working in your business and not earning money, that is a hobby, not a job.

Combative, aggressive, and demeaning. I agree with you, though. My STBX was the same. She wanted me to pay for everything and she wanted to keep 'her' money to herself. But the way you wrote that always leads to a fight

>If you are going to come back much later than you said, please tell me. He never did.

On board with you on this one. Except she saw it as me wanting to control her life. I told her "we've got a 1 and 3 year old at home, I would like to know where their mother is going to be and when she plans on coming home.. that is not controlling, it is the basic block of a relationship!"

>I apologized and took him out to dinner to say sorry.

You are describing traits of a codependent. Read https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

But understand this, your STBX didn't make you a codependent, something in your upbringing did. And codependents tend to put themselves in "rescue me" situations.

>He took our son to his friends smoke shop and I told him that wasn’t appropriate.

How old is your son? did he smoke? You realize that once you divorce, if he gets 50/50, then he can do that and you will have no say since it is his parenting time ?

>He flicked our kids in the head, pulled their ears, and spanked them hard enough to leave bruises. I stood up against him and protected them. He yelled in my face and called me a bitch for doing so

Not going to touch this one. Sorry.

>saying you should never criticize a partner is not realistic.

You have a long and hard path ahead of you. I wish you luck. This sub can provide a lot of very meaningful help, just make sure you turn the magnifying glass on yourself and don't spend all your time criticizing your ex

I did a write up a while ago, maybe it might help you

https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/bxcifm/rpas_guide_to_divorce_phase_1_near_death_of_the/